Did Someone Say Ned?

     Dillon's big brother, who is about the same age as his father, is back in town to see Tracy through her brain worm crisis.  Anna and Sonny are on the same page regarding Duke and Griffin.  Jordan and Curtis team up to stop a masked gunman at Kelly's.  Liz convinces Haychel to pack up and leave town, but Curtis (and Nikolas) don't agree that Port Chuckles would be better off without the daughter of Faux Bernie Madoff.  After being mistaken for Edward, Jason is really feeling his Q side.   While Valerie falls for Curtis, Jordan and Andre make plans to get cozier.   Ava asks Scott to protect her from her angry minions. 

       OUTSIDE TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM

      JASON:  That was weird.  My aunt thinks I'm my own grandpa.  
      SAM:  Isn't there a song about that?  
      ME:  As a matter of fact, Sam, there is!  

                
         JASON & SAM:  Well, jeez, that sounds like the family tree of everyone in this freakin' town!

      
         SONNY'S HOUSE

       ANNA:  Word on the interwebs is that Carrrrrrrrrlos is alive.  Someone tweeted it and re-tweeted it about 5,000 times!  Was that you, Sonny?  
       SONNY:  Have you ever seen a mobster tweet?   Besides, I don't want nothin' with Carrrrrrrlos.  He's just the bait to send Julian to the slammer.   We gotta get justice for Duke and his kid.  
       ANNA:  You KNOW about Duke's son? 
       SONNY:  We've met.   For a brain surgeon, he's a damn good preacher.  
       ANNA:  I got that same impression, that he moonlights as a man of the cloth. 

       
        SCOTT'S HOTEL ROOM

       SCOTT:  What's the emergency?  I was in the middle of interpreting a ouija book from my off-and-on ex lover left to her by her crazy-ass ex-mother-in-law.   
       AVA:  My peeps are after me because I accidentally helped the D.A. bust a gun deal. 
       SCOTT:  My services don't cover being a human shield. 
       AVA: I prefer to think of you as my service hedgehog.  

     
      KELLY'S

       VALERIE:  Remember how I helped you put together that Crimson magazine, traipsing through the mud and breaking my shoe?   You owe me 500 bucks.  
       CURTIS:  If I give you your cut, will you go out with me again?  
       VALERIE:  You'd pay a half grand to go out with me?   At least you don't think of me as a cheap date.  

        JORDAN:  You'd think they'd have more places to eat in this town.  
        ANDRE:  Seeing that Port Chuckles contains all of three dining establishments, you have a 33% chance of running into Curtis if you choose to eat out in public. 

       RANDOM GUNMAN:  If it's a Tuesday, I hold up Kelly's.  HANDS UP!  ELECTRONICS DOWN!  OPEN THE REGISTER!  

       JORDAN & CURTIS:  If it's a Tuesday, we kick your ass! (Jordan and Curtis take the gunman down and cuff him.)
       JORDAN:  I'm the commish.  You're under arrest!   
       CURTIS:  Daaaaayuuummm!  We still got it!  
       
     
       TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM

       DILLON:  Mom, what year is it?   Who's President?   Who's walking through the door right now?  
       TRACY:  What's with the stupid questions, Dillon?  Hello, Ned.   Have you come to watch me die of brain worms? 
       NED:  Great to see you too, Mom.  What's this about brain worms?  
       TRACY:  It's all your father's fault, Ned.  I ran into him in Mexico and he gave me some space cake weed tacos with a side of worms which are now residing and reproducing IN. MY. BRAIN.  
       NED:  I really have been away too long, haven't I, Mom?  

    
       WYNDEMERE

       LIZ:  Pack your bags, HAYCHEL because I'm calling the cops with a HAYCHEL BARNLIN sighting and sending YOU to the hoosegow.   See ya, wouldn't wanna BE YA!   (leaves with ginormous Cheshire Cat grin on her face)
      HAYCHEL:  Goodbye, Wyndemere.   Goodbye couch.  Goodbye 9,000 thread count sheets.  Goodbye pillows.  Goodbye intriguingly creepy painting of Nikolas's fascinatingly diabolical grandmother.  

      
      HOSPITAL

      JASON:  Funny thing happened when Tracy mistook me for Edward.  I came out of that room never feeling more Quartermaine than I do right now.  
      SAM:  Your dad and grandfather would be getting all the warm and fuzzy family feels if they could hear you right now.  

    
      KELLY'S

      ANDRE:  After I lead my group therapy session to bring more emotional stability to Port Chuckles, how about we eat in a not-so-public place.  
      JORDAN:  That might not be such a bad idea.  It gives as a much better chance of finding a Curtis-free zone.  

      CURTIS:  So, you  got outed as Rachel Faux Madoff Berlin.  
      HAYCHEL:  I'm being run out of town by Busy Lizzie, keeper of the family jewels of half the men in this town. 
      CURTIS:  You need some help dealing with Busy Lizzie?   Or is it Shotgun Prince Hubby you gotta protect yourself from?  
      HAYCHEL:  There's nothing left for me here in Port Chuckles.   I have no friends.   Besides Busy Lizzie, Snooping Sam hates me too, not to mention Catty Carly.  Even your gal pal Val ditched Wyndemere to get the hell away from me.   Then there's the family I married into.  Mother Hen Laura clucks in disapproval when she sees me and simpering sister Lulu does the same.  
      CURTIS:  What am I, chopped liver?   If Shotgun Prince Hubby tries to kick you outta his castle, all you gotta do is play the I-know-you-tried-to-have-me-killed card.  

     
      METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM

      LIZ:  I got rid of Haychel!  I got rid of Haychel!   At least I think I did.   One well-placed threat to call the PCPD did the trick. 
      NIKOLAS: Bad Liz!  I sorta kinda still like Haychel, even if she's the lying daughter of an infamous Madoff wannabe.  
      LIZ:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????   
      NIKOLAS:  At least she didn't conspire with my kid to fake his disappearance and scare the crap out of me in the process!  

      
      SCOTT'S METROCOURT ROOM

      SCOTT:  I'm broke.  Raymond Berlin robbed me blind.  
      AVA:  And I need a service hedgehog to keep my underlings from roasting me at a luau.   So, Scott Baldwin, will you be my service hedgehog?  
      SCOTT:  When's the last time a hedgehog protected anyone from mob goons?  
      AVA:  You're not just any old hedgehog, Scott.  You're a SERVICE hedgehog!