The Adventures of Light-Haired Man and Dark-Haired Man

      Sam convinces Dr. Scheinberg and his wife to help Jason by telling the police that it was Nikolas who threw the first punch.  Jason's protectiveness gives Liz all the guilt feels.   Johnny leaves Valerie in an abandoned cabin.  Laura suspects that Lulu is in cahoots with Johnny.   Tracy's call rattles Hayden's cage.  

        METROCOURT

          LIZ:  You being all nice to me is freaking me out.   You haven't said the words "lying" or "seven months" once since Jake saw his Mystery Creeper. 
          JASON: You see, Jake won't detach himself to my leg and I'm feeling all protective. 
          JAKE:  Dad, I want ice cream. 
       

         CABIN

         VALERIE:  Who the hell ARE you anyway?   You're not that Tommy Zucchini guy the cops are looking for, are you? 
          JOHNNY:  None of YOUR beeswax, you annoying hostage you!  
          VALERIE:  That answers THAT question.  
           JOHNNY:  SHUT UP AND LET ME TIE YOU TO THE DAMN CHAIR!  
          

         MAXIE'S APARTMENT

           LAURA:  Lulu, what do you know about Johnny Zacchara?  
           LULU:  All I know is that IT'S ALL VALERIE'S FAULT!  
           LAURA:  You harboring a fugitive is Valerie's fault?   
           LULU:  Damn straight it is!   So is world hunger, gun violence, food poisoning at Chipotle, and Donald Trump running for president!   IT'S ALL VALERIE'S FAULT!!!!!!!   

   
          METROCOURT

            DR. SCHEINBERG:  All I saw was Dark-Haired Man popping Light-Haired Man in the kisser, then Light-Haired Man threw a punch in his own defense and when Dark-Haired Man tried to hit back, he flew clear over the balcony!  
           SAM:  Awesome!   Just tell that to the cops and my hubby goes free.  
           DR. SCHEINBERG:  What's in it for me?  
           SAM:  You see, my hubby has a CRAZY good sob story of being shot in the back, falling into the harbor, being captured by my evil relatives, frozen, defrosted, run over by an SUV, losing his memory, then a year later, finding out who he really is.   He was a mob hitman in his previous life, so if you and your wife don't say my evil cousin Dark-Haired Man started the fight, my hubby Light-Haired Man goes to jail for years and years and doesn't get to see his 3-year-old son grow up.  
           DR. SCHEINBERG:  (looking at a picture of Jason)  I know this guy!  I ran a DNA test on him.   He tested negative for any hurling-rich-princes-off-of-balconies genes, so he has to be innocent.  
           SAM:  Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!  

      
          WYNDEMERE

          TRACY:  (over phone) Hurry up, RACHEL and get me ELQ before everyone knows you are RACHEL.  
          ME:  Who the hell is this Rachel person?  
          HAYDEN:  You made your point.  NOBODY can know I'm Rachel.  
          ME:  Rachel WHO???  Am I missing something?  


         PCPD

         DILLON:  Fine, I saw Johnny on the Haunted Star and he said he was only staying for one night.   He was going to spend the rest of his time here staying at the Holiday Inn Express, I swear!
         DANTE:  So THAT'S who Lulu had squirreled away in the closet on New Year's Eve!   If Cannoli fever didn't spell the end of my marriage, THIS sure will.
     
       
         CABIN

          JOHNNY:  Gotta go, but I lit a candle for you to remember me by.  
          VALERIE:  (bound and gagged) DERNT LERVE MER HER! 
          JOHNNY:  Sorry, you're going to have to speak more clearly.  I can't understand a word you're saying.  
         VALERIE:  EEEERRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
          JOHNNY:  Guess it wasn't that important.  Buh-BYE!  
         VALERIE:  (knocks over candle trying to untie herself.)  ERMERGERD!!!!!   DER KERBERN ERS ERN FER!!!!    ERM GERNER DER!!!