Doc Martin Comes to Port Chuckles

    Okay, so it's not the acerbic British TV doctor or his portrayer, but Sonny's new doc certainly draws such comparisons and Sonny isn't having any of it.   Kristina hides her latest grade report from Alexis as Sam lets slip that Krissy is studying pre-law.   Jason wants to ensure Liz and the boys' safety after Mystery Intruder strikes again.  Maxie wants to call the cops on Johnny when she sees him with Lulu at the Haunted Star.   Hayden has a proposal for Nikolas.   Carly and Sam team up in an effort to keep Jason out of the hoosegow.

        HOSPITAL

       LUCAS:  I really wish I could be your new doc, Sonny, but even the turbo track of the InstaDoctor school won't let me me a specialist in spinal cord injuries yet.   Sucks doesn't it?   Well, allow me to introduce Dr. Mays.
        DR. MAYS:  Enough with the pleasantries.  I want to examine my new patient STAT.  I've got other patients waiting.
        CARLY:  Well, then, let's get this show on the road.
        DR. MAYS:  There will be no "let's".  I will see the patient and ONLY the patient.   Muzzles for interfering family members are an unnecessary expense.
        SONNY:  You aren't some bastard son of Dr. Obrecht, are you?
        DR. MAYS:  You.  In the exam room.  YESTERDAY!
        CARLY:  Go ahead, Sonny.   I have to do hotel stuff anyway.
        SONNY:  I ain't goin' nowhere without my wife.   Either Carly stays or I'll find myself another doctor.


        ALEXIS & JULIAN'S LAKE HOUSE

        KRISTINA:  (reading report card)  How do negative grade point averages even EXIST?  
        SAM:  Thanks for putting me up, Mom, but I have to get back to my apartment before someone tries to buy it out from under me.
        ALEXIS:  But Kristina's going back to school and Molly chose dorm life and I'll be ALL ALONE when I'm not canoodling with Julian.
        KRISTINA:  About that...School doesn't start until...um...next week.   So, Sam, how are things going with Jason?   Have you had sex yet?  Or at the very least, made out?
        SAM:  Jason is still having 2-second memories at a time, Kristina.   It's WAAAAAAAY too soon to think about anything but going on a coffee date at Kelly's.

       
          HAUNTED STAR

        MAXIE:  Holy CRAP, Lulu!  Have you been harboring A FUGITIVE?   I'm totes calling the cops!
        JOHNNY:  That's hilarious, Maxie.   (steals Maxie's cell phone) How can you call the cops without your phone?
        MAXIE:  Hello?  I'm in a relationship with a VERY SEXY cop and the last time I helped your fugitive ass, he almost broke up with me, so there is NO WAY IN HELL I'm helping you again.
        LULU:  If you send Johnny to prison, you send ME too.  Your BFF!!!   Please!   Pretty please with a cherry on top, chocolate sprinkles, and lots of whipped cream!  
        MAXIE:  I get it!   You and Johnny are HOOKING UP!    It was HIM you had stashed away in that cabin on New Year's Eve, not Dillon!   It was JOHNNY you were hiding from Dante!
       LULU:  It's not like Dante didn't sleep around with my SLUT COUSIN behind MY BACK!
       MAXIE:  Remember how you have a kid with Dante?  A cute little boy named Rocco?
       LULU:  Oh yeah, Rocco!  I knew that little blond boy had an Italian name.  Now I know why.   Dante is his father.
       MAXIE:  If you want to get back together with said father of your blond, Italian little Rocco boy, you'd better ditch your fugitive boyfriend.
     

        LIZ'S HOUSE

       JASON:  Call the cops.  I'm going to go upstairs and tell Jake some more motorcycle stories to calm him down.
        JAKE:  COOL!   You're the best dad EVER!   I want mommy to krazy glue you to me so you'll NEVER LEAVE ME EVER AGAIN!
     

        LAKE HOUSE

      SAM:  Hey Mom, did you know Krissy is studying pre-Law?
      ALEXIS:  ALL THE MOTHER-DAUGHTER PRIDE FEELS!!!!!!  (phone rings)  See how cool it is to be a lawyer?  Always in demand.   (goes upstairs)
      KRISTINA:   SAM!
      SAM:  You were SO all up in my love life, I had to change the subject.
      KRISTINA:  But YOUR LOVE LIFE is distracting me from my NEGATIVE GPA!   Did you know negative GPAs existed?
       SAM:  But your aced your law class, right?
   
        LIZ'S HOUSE

        GRANDPA COP:  We'll run some prints and see who's been stalking your house, Ms. Webber.
        LIZ:  Who are you?   I thought Dante and Nathan were the only cops in this town?   You're, like, way older than any other cop I've ever seen.  
        GRANDPA COP:  I'm on loan from Central Casting.   Don't you recognize me without my Santa suit, holding the tiniest residents of Port Chuckles and being assisted by Kiki The Elf?   Any of you have any enemies?
        JASON:  Well, there's this one guy, but he's in the hospital.  Never mind that I put him there.
        LIZ:  Carly wouldn't terrorize Jake because she's Jason's female bestie/ex-lover/part of the Cult of CarSaSon. 
        GRANDPA COP: We'll launch an investigation.   Meanwhile, there's a Motel 6 on Route 31.
        JASON:  Yeah, that place is kinda shady.  I'll put Elizabeth and the boys up at The Metro Court.
         LIZ:  Considering who runs the MetroCourt, I might be safer at the Motel 6.


         HOSPITAL

        SONNY:  Lucas, are you sure you can't take over my case?
        LUCAS:  Yeah, I'm sure.  I haven't even gotten to the chapter on spinal injuries in Fast-Tracking Medical Careers for Dummies yet.   But I may know I guy who can.   He doesn't look like Patrick, which is a total bummer because that man was serious medical eye candy, but he's not Anger Doc either.

   
       HAYDEN:  Marry me, Nikolas!   Then I can protect ELQ for you.
       NIKOLAS:  That's hilarious, Hayden.   You're a known con artist.   How do I know you won't snatch ELQ from my reluctantly-trusting hands?
       HAYDEN:  Because I'll sign a prenup.
       NIKOLAS:  I have an idea?   Why don't we wait until we fall in love to get married?   Doesn't it usually work that way?
       HAYDEN:  Hello?  You're a Cassadine!   If anyone knows about marriages of convenience, it has to be you.
      NIKOLAS:  I might just have some romantic feels for you, Hayden.  Why can't you allow me to explore them?

   
      LAKE HOUSE

      ALEXIS:  I'm so proud of you, my future Supreme Court Justice daughter!
      KRISSY:  Jump the gun much, Mom?

 
     METROCOURT

      SAM:  Carly, you have to help me.   Hayden and Nikolas are accusing Jason of hurling him over the balcony!   They could send him to The Big House if we don't find a witness who's not afraid to 'fess up that she saw my cousin popping Jason in the kisser!
      CARLY:  You are SO right, Sam.  We have to save Jason from P-ville!   I think I can help.   No, I KNOW I can help.  You know how persuasive one Carly Corinthos can be.