It's Not Easy Bein' Green

      Nina, Maxie and Dillon are shocked and chagrined to see the first issue of the revamped Crimson looking as if it were thrown in a giant vat of green ink.   Julian, however, has no interest in remedying the problem.   The Crimson issue isn't the only thing that's green in Port Chuckles today.   Olivia arrives at the Davis-Jerome abode with a giant framed picture of her, Julian, and baby Leo posing in the green Ugly Christmas Sweaters she got them. 

    As for the less green parts of the show, Jason and Sam get closer as he shares a memory with her.   Franco lets Jake draw on his art therapy pad and is shocked by the macabre nature of what the kid drew.  Patrick and Robin tell Emma, then Anna, that they are moving out west for a fresh start and new job opportunities.   Jordan's mystery New Year's Eve date is revealed as they meet at Kelly's for Date #2.  

     CRIMSON OFFICE

       DILLON:  Let's pop open some bubbly because the first issue of NinaCrimson is RIGHT HERE, hot off the presses! 
       MAXIE:  O to the MG!   YAY US!  
       NINA:  We friggin' DID IT, you guys! 
       DILLON:  (opens the box) UH OH! 
       NINA:  What Oh? 
       DILLON:  When you said this issue was going to make Crimson a lot of the green stuff, I think the printers took that literally. 
        NINA:  What the...IT'S ALL GREEN!   THE WHOLE MAGAZINE IS FRIGGIN' GREEN!    THE COVER IS GREEN!  THE PAGES ARE GREEN!   ST. PATRICK'S DAY ISN'T UNTIL MARCH!!!!
       MAXIE:  That is SO not what I had in mind when I pitched environmentally-friendly couture. 
      

      LAKE HOUSE

       OLIVIA:  Merry Christmas!  Happy New Year!  Thanks for inviting me.  Oh yeah, you didn't, but who am I to hold a grudge?  This is for you, Julian. 
        JULIAN:  It's...well...HUGE! 
        ALEXIS:  That's one way of putting it.  
        OLIVIA:  I know the perfect place for it.   Right over the fireplace for all to see!  
        ALEXIS:  Isn't it a little...I don't know...Christmasy?   More of a seasonal decoration, don't you think?  
        JULIAN:  It's got Leo in it, so I really don't care how obnoxious...ly cute the sweaters are.  


       SAM'S APARTMENT

       JASON:  I remembered something.  
       SAM:  Continue...but only if you feel like continuing.  I'm not going to PUSH or PRESSURE you or anything. 
       JASON:  I remembered the footbridge and younger Robin, and me giving you that necklace.  Did I give you that necklace or am I having a fake memory? 
       SAM:  You TOTALLY gave this to me.  
       JASON:  This remembering thing's got me a little nervous, even though Robin said I wasn't that bad of a guy.  If I remember too much, Sonny's gonna make me be his goon again and I really don't want to be anyone's goon.  Especially if it means having a goon chip put in my head. 

       
      SCORPIO-DRAKE HOUSE

       ROBIN:  Emma, we have big, huge news.  We're moving to CALIFORNIA!   You know what's in California?   DISNEYLAND! 
       EMMA:  We're moving to DISNEYLAND?   Won't Grandma miss us if we're all the way on the other side of the country? 
       PATRICK:  We're not moving TO Disneyland, sweetheart, but we're moving to a place called Berkeley where Mommy and Daddy have new jobs and you'll go to a new school.  Isn't that awesome? 
       EMMA:  I'm going to miss my friends.  Even Spencer, who still thinks he's in love with me.   If I leave him behind, he might have a heart attack. 
      ROBIN:  Spencer will miss you, Emma, because you're a sweet girl, but I think his heart will be just fine.  I know.  I'm a doctor.  
      EMMA:  But you better tell Grandma.  Her heart's a lot older than Spencer.  

     
      KELLY'S

      JORDAN:  Remember how I had a date with this guy on New Year's Eve?
      ANNA:  How did it go?  
      JORDAN:  He's going to show up any minute for Date #2.  
      ANNA:  That's great news.  (phone rings)  Excuse me.  (to Robin over phone)  Robin?  Are you okay?  Have you been kidnapped for the 3,000th time?   Where's Patrick?  Where's Emma?
      ROBIN:  Mom, we're fine, but can you teleport yourself over here so we can tell you something huge?  
      ANNA:  Are you sure it has NOTHING to do with Jacks, Cassadines, Obrechts, or any other of this town's most notorious evildoers? 
      ROBIN:  I'm sure.  Now get over here, like five minutes ago!  

    
      HOSPITAL

        FRANCO:  Hey kid, wanna play with my crayons and scribble pad?  
        JAKE:  STRANGER DANGER!  
        LIZ:  Stay away from my sweet little boy you...FRANCO! 
        FRANCO:  But I'm a changed man.  You let me take you to that gala thingy, didn't you?   Besides we're both pariahs, remember?  
        LIZ:  Remember how you kidnapped Aiden when he was a baby to give your fake mom a Franco 2.0?  
        FRANCO:  But I was a totally different person then.  I even LOOKED different and had curlier hair.  And brown eyes.   I'm not that guy anymore.   Now everybody just calls me Todd, even thought that's not my name.  It's really kinda weird though.  
        LIZ:  Fine, Jake can use your crayons, but i'll be watching you.   Think Robert DeNiro in Meet The Parents.  

      
      CRIMSON OFFICE

      JULIAN:  What's the emergency?
      NINA:  Code Green, Julian.  There was a not-so-little mishap at the printers.   Either his kid finger-painted on millions of copies of our first issue of Crimson 2.0 or someone is making a very literal statement on going green.
      JULIAN:  Yeah, it will match the shade of the advertiser's faces when they see it.  Oh well, don't cry over spilt milk.   What's done is done. 
      NINA:  We need to reprint this issue or Crimson's in the crapper!  
      JULIAN:  As I'm sure you've noticed, we're not flush with cash.  See ya.   
      MAXIE:  There goes my fashion career!  
      NINA:  Come on, guys!  Embrace the green!   Crimson is Green in 2016.  Say it with me!  
      MAXIE:  But Crimson means RED!  
      DILLON:  Therein lies the irony, Maxie.   Embrace the irony.  Embrace the green!
      CRIMSON MAGAZINE COPIES:  It's not easy being green...

    
      LAKE HOUSE

       OLIVIA:  Just admit it Alexis.  You HATE the picture.  That's fine.  I'll de-gift it. 
       ALEXIS:  Don't you passive-aggressive with me, Olivia.  Besides, degifting is even worse than regifting. 
       OLIVIA:  Is that a rock I see on your finger?  So now Julian's getting ENGAGED without letting his baby mama know?   Was it the sweaters, Alexis?  WAS IT THE SWEATERS??? 
       ALEXIS:  Well...do you really want me to answer that?  

      
      KELLY'S  

      JORDAN:  This really is a small town.  Everybody knows each other here. 
      DR. MADDOX:  I'm a colleague of her son-in-law.  Is that a problem for you?  How do you really feel about this, Jordan? 
      JORDAN:  No it's totally fine.  No problem at all. 
      DR. MADDOX:  These BLTs are really good.  
      JORDAN:  Well, my ex came up with the recipe.  It even got him kidnapped by a BLT-obsessed madwoman once.   I kid you not.  
      DR. MADDOX:  BLT obsession, that's a new one, even for me. 


     SAM'S APARTMENT

      JASON:  I've been having a really good time with you, Sam.  Maybe because I'm kinda sorta remembering why I chose you for a wife.  Do you want to go get coffee? 
      SAM:  Coffee sounds good.  No pressure.  

    
      SCORPIO-DRAKE HOUSE

       ROBIN:  Mom, Patrick, Emma, and I are moving 3,000 miles away because I got a way better job in California than staying here and working for Obrecht. 
       ANNA:  California.  I suppose it does help to put some distance between yourself and a woman who held you captive for almost two years.  
       ROBIN:  At least this time I'm not abandoning my family.  I'm taking them with me.  Hey, you can come too if you'd like. 
      ANNA:  As soon as I'm finished chasing down some bad guys in Port Chuckles, I will consider it. 
      EMMA:  Grandma, I'm moving to California with Mommy and Daddy.   Is that going to make you really sad?
      ANNA:  I will miss you, sweet Emma, but we will visit each other.  
      EMMA:  There's one thing you have to do before we leave, Mommy and Daddy.  You have to get married again and never EVER get a divorce! 

      
      HOSPITAL

      FRANCO: (looking at Jake's drawings)  And I thought I was one disturbed kid!   Get this one to Art Therapy STAT.  

Scorpio-Drakes Give Their Notice

    After being offended by Dr. O's offer to reinstate her job as long as she takes a pay cut, Robin and Patrick decide to take their talents elsewhere.   Sonny shares his leg-moving good news with Robin and Patrick, but learn that Patrick is referring his case to a new doctor.   The Davis Girls and Julian's breakfast at Kelly's is interrupted by Anna's harassment of Julian.  Anna shares some intel with Jordan about Carrrrrrrrrlos.   Sabrina is taken to the hospital with contractions.   Liz wakes Jason from a nightmare. 

     KELLY'S

         KRISTINA:  Sam, how much sex did you and Jason have last night?  Or should we call it this morning? 
         SAM:  Jump the gun much, Kristina?   Jason and I played pool.  End of story.  
         MOLLY:  Come ON, Sam, that was the most boring story EVER!    
         SAM:  Remember how Jason didn't remember being my hubby?   He still doesn't.  We're taking things slowly.  
        
     
        JORDAN'S OFFICE

        PAUL:  Where's your BFF Anna? 
        JORDAN:  What's it to you? 
        PAUL:  She's AWOL.  But, hey, good job keeping the hoodlums at bay.   Gold star! 
        JORDAN:  Go away, you smarmy ass!

       
         HOSPITAL

         PATRICK:  Hey, how's it going with Dr. O?
         DR. OBRECHT:  Ze name is Dr. Liesl Obrecccchhhhht!  
         ROBIN:  She wants me to take a pay cut.
         DR. OBRECHT:  Ze whole hospital ees on a budget, Dr. Scohpio.  Ve must cut back on excessive spending.   Eizzer you take your job back viss less money oah you pound ze pavement looking for a job elsevere! 
         PATRICK:  Screw you, Dr. O!  Screw you and your miserable treatment of a brilliant doctor like my once and future wife!  
         DR. OBRECHT:  It's Dr. Obreccccchhhht!   Vy do I bozzer?  
         ROBIN:  I think I've made my decision.  


         MICHAEL:  Hey Dad, congrats on moving your leg!  
         SONNY:  Thank you, son.  How's it goin' between you and Sabrina? 
         MICHAEL:  Did I forget to congratulate you on you leg movement? 
         SONNY:  Whatsamatter, Michael?  Why are you trying to change the subject? 
         MICHAEL:  Sabrina and I are history, Dad, and that baby I thought was mine will be rolling his or her Rs and doing Julian Jerome's dirty work.  
        

         SABRINA:  Oooh!  AAAAGHHH!  Contractions!   Baby's coming!  
         FELIX:  It's totally cool, Bri.  We're at the hospital now. 
         LUCAS:  Felix is right, Sabrina.  I'm the new designated doctor of all specialties now.  Need an OBGYN, I'm your man.    Need a brain surgeon?   I can do that too.   Quad bypass?   You're looking at they guy who will saw open your chest.  

         
         LIZ'S HOUSE
   
          JASON:  (mumbling incoherently in his sleep)  No!  Uh...Oh...Aggghh!  
          LIZ:  Jason, wakey wakey!
          JASON:  AAAAGGGGHHHH!  
          LIZ:  I know I lied to you for seven months and all, but am I seriously THAT scary?
          JASON:  I was having a bad dream and now I completely forgot what I was dreaming about.  
          LIZ:  You and Jake are two peas in a pod. 
          JASON:  That reminds me.   We need to divvy up custody of that kid.   I'll call Diane and have her set something up.
          LIZ:  Ugggh!  I can't stand Diane!   I'll call Alexis.   
        

          KELLY'S

           SAM:  Now, about the wedding...
           ANNA:  So there's going to be a wedding!   Am I invited? 
           JULIAN:  Don't hold your breath waiting for an invitation. 
           ANNA:  I'll try not to cry myself to sleep.   Don't say I didn't warn you, Alexis.  


         HOSPITAL

            ROBIN:  Sonny!  Long time no see!   I heard how you ended up in the chair.  That totally sucks. 
            SONNY:  Robin!  Good to see ya!   I moved my leg, you know.   I'm gettin' outta this thing ASAP. 
            ROBIN:  I wouldn't be surprised.   Nothing keeps a Sonny Corinthos down. 
            SONNY:  So where's that son of a bitch that held you captive?
            ROBIN:  Well, Helena's "dead".  Jerry's in Schteinmaur.  
            SONNY:  Two words:  Cesar Faison.
            ROBIN:  Do me a favor and concentrate on getting out of this chair and not after avenging my captor, okay?  
            PATRICK:  So, Sonny, I have a little bad news.  Robin and I are taking our talents to an Obrecht-free hospital, so I'll be referring you to a new doctor.  
            SONNY:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAT???

     
          KELLY'S

          SAM:  What do you mean my place is on the market, Mom?  It's still my place.  
          ALEXIS:  Apparently, the realtor didn't get the memo. 
          JULIAN:  Leave it to me.  I'll go over there to straighten it all out.  
          SAM:  Ooooookay.  
          MOLLY:  Mom, I want to move into the dorms.   Oh, and to never have sex EVER!  

          JORDAN'S OFFICE

          ANNA:  Carrrrrrrrrrrlos is still alive. 
          JORDAN:  Hello?  His body was cremated.   He was in a friggin' BOX! 
          ANNA:  It turns out that Box Full O Carrrrrrrrrlos wasn't full of Carrrrrrrrrrlos after all.  I saw him and he dropped some medallion on the ground at the pier.  
          JORDAN:  So whose body was that? 
          ANNA:  I plead the fifth...for now.  
          JORDAN:  So how am I supposed to believe you? 
          ANNA:  Think about it, Jordan!  The M.E. had him cremated awfully quickly.  And now he's on sudden leave?   I smell a rat right in this PCPD.  
          JORDAN:  You mean a mole?  How intriguing.  

          
         HOSPITAL

        MICHAEL:  Are you okay, Sabrina? 
        SABRINA:   I'm fine, Michael.  Besides having lied to you and you dumping me and all.   It was just Braxton Hicks.  
         MICHAEL:  Okay.  Good luck with this whole baby thing.  At least your kid will be bilingual and won't need earplugs for all the loud Quartermaine quarrels.  


         SAM'S APARTMENT

          PAUL:  Nice place.  Too bad it isn't on the market anymore. 
          JULIAN:  Can you do me a favor and call off your gaurd dog Anna?   She still thinks I'm a mobster.  Can you tell her to get with the times already?  
          PAUL:  Sure thing, Jerome.  And don't worry, we dropped the Lavery case a long time ago.   You're off the hook.  
         

      
       

        
       

        

2015 Year in Review

       Here it is, better late than never:

                                           Sung to the tune of Billy Joel's "Piano Man"
                   

On New Year’s Day in Port Chuckles, Liv and Julian in the same bed

Maxie and Nathan had finally met up, and Alexis was still dating Ned.

Fluke hid out in the sad basement of his old family home on Elm Street

Helena controlled Jake, her Soldier Boy.  She made a spy of Rosalie

                                               

Sonny was sitting in prison, with Ava and Franco there too

And let’s not forget about Johnny.  Turns out he was working for Fluke.

                                                                         CHORUS

       Sing us a song of Port Chuckles

In the year twenty-fifteen

The highs and the lows and who comes and who goes

The stories unfolding onscreen.  

Fluke, he was planning a party, a soiree on the Haunted Star

Helena made Jake put a bomb on the boat.  It was planted behind the bar.

Sonny and Julian plotted a jailbreak to save both their sons. 

 Franco and Ava were tagging along but she ran into Carrrrrrrlos’s gun.

Heather met Nina at Shadybrook.  Tried to kill her with LSD

Then Franco showed up and injected himself, to save his girl Nina, you see.

CHORUS

Sonny jumped into the harbor with the bomb that was on the boat

He saved all the Haunted Star’s passengers.  But he was not gonna gloat.

The mayor then gave him a pardon. And Michael flew into a rage

 He took custody of baby Avery, all that did was set up the stage

For Michael to be drugged by Morgan and Kiki so that he would lose

Custody of Baby A.J. for looking all strung out on booze.

CHORUS

Tracy and Lulu went searching for answers on Luke’s long lost sis

They found her and she said Luke killed his dear mom, he wished that he had swung and missed.

Luke’s sister Pat had a daughter.  Valerie was the girl’s name.

After Pat died in that Elm Street house, Val began staking her claim

On Dante who showed her such sympathy, while Lulu gave her a wide berth

Because Val attacked Luke in the hospital, she’s the worst cousin on Earth. 

CHORUS

The Nurses’ Ball brought the drama.  Ric’s lie was outed onstage

Hayden was not Jake Doe’s hubby.  Liz left the ballroom in a rage.

Nik told Liz that Jake was Jason, for he was back from the dead

Because she wanted Jason all to herself, the truth from Jason she hid.

Olivia went into labor.  Duke Lavery was rubbed out.

Anna put four bullets in Carrrrrrrrrrlos’ chest, which did fill her with grief and doubt.

CHORUS

Silas told Ava some bad news.  She had cancer and she’s gonna die.

Unless she got bone marrow from Crypt Baby, for her life the finish was nigh.

Nina got so pissed at Franco, when he thought she snatched Ava’s kid

She dumped him and married Ric Lansing, and gaslight his new wife Ric did.

Ava survived her lymphoma.  To Port Chuckles she had returned.

 Disguised as one Denise DiMuccio.   Ava was dead as far as she was concerned.

CHORUS

Madeline Reeves silenced Silas.  DiMuccio’s cover was blown

Kiki found out Morgan was cheating, with her mother Ava Jerome!

Paul Hornsby returned for son Dillon.  Dante had fireworks with Val

Lulu skipped town to save Lucky.  Li’l Jake had been Helena’s pal.

Luke left Port Chuckles to find himself.  Laura moved in with her son.

Hayden awoke from her coma.  Sonny was felled by a gun.

CHORUS

Sam and Patrick made wedding plans.  Liz and Jake made them as well.

Spinelli returned to help figure Jake out.   Carly found out and did tell

Jake that his real name was Jason.  He was her long lost best friend.

They went to the church to tell everyone the wedding to Liz had to end.

Jason’s still missing his memories such as being married to Sam

Liz lied to him for all of seven months.  Nik, he was in on her plan.

CHORUS

Sonny is now in a wheelchair.  Paul Hornsby’s gun put him there

Because he was after Corinthos mob turf and now Avery’s in Ava’s care

Helena supposedly bit the dust.  Her grandson, he took a swan dive.

Sent sailing o’er a MetroCourt balcony.  It’s because of Liz that he survived.

Robin was rescued from Jerry by Patrick and her mom and dad.

The Scorpio Drake family’s whole once again and Emma is no longer sad.

CHORUS 

Anna did not murder Carrrrrrrrlos.  He turned up alive, in one piece

But Anna and Mac know what Paul Hornsby did.   He’s in trouble, to say the least.

Nina and Maxie run Crimson, determined to save the sinking ship.

Alexis is living with Julian because they are now joined at the hip.

Lulu is hiding a fugitive.  Her ex-lover Johnny is back.

He’s camped out on the Haunted Star with a task: Put Val’s career under attack.

FINAL CHORUS: 

So that is what went down in Port Chuckles.

In the year twenty-fifteen.

What troubles and joys will those girls and those boys

Find in the year twenty-sixteen?

Photos courtesy of Lisa's GH Screencaps and General Hospital Snark.

General Downton

      In honor of last night's premiere of the first episode of the final season of Downton Abbey, today's blog will be done as if General Hospital took place in 1920s England.  Enjoy!   

       HAUNTED STAR

             LULU:  Dear Johnny, I do not wish to engage in extramarital relations, even as my own husband carried on with my loose cousin. 
             JOHNNY:  Dear Lesley Lu, it disappoints me greatly that you should be so considerate of your corrupt husband's feelings.  He is most unworthy of your love.  
              LULU:  I cannot allow him to discover that I have been carrying on with a man on the run from the law.   We must cease this tomfoolery at once! 

      
         NINA/FRANCO/KIKI'S APARTMENT

             FRANCO:  My passion for you, fair Nina, has overcome me.  We must consummate our relationship. 
              NINA:  I fear the consequences of carrying on in such a manner.   If I only had a confidante to mediate this most embarrassing and awkward position I find myself in.   Someone of brilliant russet hair and considerable girth who prepares meals for the upstairs aristocracy.  
              FRANCO:  I expect our relationship to be one that encompasses all aspects of romantic entanglements, fair Nina.  'Tis the beginning of a brand new year, Nina.  We shall commence 1925 with the fullest expresssion of our love for each other. 
             NINA:  Yet I fear I will not perform adequately. 
             FRANCO:  Such fear is unfounded, my dearest!   Come now, Nina.  


          THE FLOATING RIB

           SPINELLI:  Fair Samantha, I have witnessed the most thrilling of moments between you and your once and future romantic companion. 
           SAM:  Oh, my dear Mr. Spinelli!   I fear you have witnessed but a mirage!   The estimable Mr. Morgan and I were merely engaging in a game of billiards.  
           ELLIE:  My true love Damien, it is my estimation that Samantha is right.   She and Mr. Morgan were merely involved in a friendly sporting match.   You will have to excuse my Damien.  His enthusiasm knows no containment. 

           
         LIZ'S HOUSE

         JAKE:  Father, for I have seen such horrors!   I am so afraid of what lurks in the wilderness!  
         JASON:  Fear not, my child.  Your imagination is merely overactive.    All will be well, Master Jake. 
         LIZ:  Your father is right, my little boy.   Mr. Morgan, you have no obligation to stay. 
         JAKE:  But Father MUST stay, Mother!   Only he can quell the monsters in my imagination!  
         JASON:  Dear Elizabeth, will you please inform me as to what has transpired?  
         LIZ:  I was putting the children to bed and I heard a most frightful scream from young Jake.   He thought he saw an apparition peering through the window.   It gave him a dreadful fright.  
         JAKE:  Will you spend the night here, Father, should these monsters return while I am sleeping? 
         JASON:  I shall not leave you, young lad. 


        PIER 54

         DANTE:  Young brother, what, may I ask, are you doing in this most nefarious place?  
         MORGAN:  I am in need of fresh air, Dante.   The medication I am on to quell the demons in my mind are making me feel most unpleasant.   Yet you are also at this dark, dangerous pier.  Why is that? 
         DANTE:  I plan on attending the soiree aboard the Haunted Star. 
         MORGAN:  For what purpose?   Your estranged wife is also aboard.  Have you come to antagonize her? 
      

         KIKI:  Morgan, I must ask, what is causing you to behave so strangely?   Are you not taking your prescribed medication to quell the demons of your mind? 
         MORGAN:  Blast this dreadful medication!   It makes me feel most odd!  
         KIKI:  But you must continue to take your tablets, my dear friend, or your demons will overtake you. 
         MORGAN:  Why must you sound exactly like my mother?   Every last person in this godforsaken place wants me to take my blasted medication!  
         KIKI:  Morgan, you mustn't be so obstinate!   You must continue your course of treatment or those demons shall continue to haunt you!  
         MORGAN:  Very well.  I shall make a resolution in this new year to take my blasted medication on schedule.  


          FRANCO/NINA/KIKI'S APARTMENT

         FRANCO:  Nina, my true love, we have succeeded in consummating our wildest passions!  
         NINA:  I fear we did not consummate our passions correctly.  We must attempt to consummate them anew!  

          
         HAUNTED STAR

        DANTE:  Lesley Lu, may I ask what your are doing alone in this dark, desolate cabin?
        LULU:  Dante, may I ask what you are doing aboard this vessel?  
        DANTE:  Perhaps I was mistaken when I thought that our marriage was not beyond reconciliation?   When your brother was tossed from a balcony and taken to hospital, you were most grateful for my support, were you not?   
        LULU:  That does not change the fact that you had relations with my depraved cousin!
        DANTE:  Are you carrying on with a male companion?   To whom do these celebratory spectacles belong?  
        LULU:  You must leave AT ONCE!  NEVER TO RETURN!