Friday, November 14, 2014
The Same Old Song
Carly and Sonny are in the slammer beating dead horses (poor Allegra!) and Dr. O's bidding good riddance to Jake. Oh, and a Fed shows up at Wyndemere.
SONNY: Michael hates me, Carly. I'm DEAD TO HIM, which is Corinthos for having been disowned. I don't blame him, seeing that I offed AJ but the pain and the angst of losing my CHOSEN SON are real, Carly. I don't care about being sent to P-ville, or that other son--what's his name--Morgan, still loves me. I LOST MICHAEL FOR GOOD!!! Carly, you have to stop blaming yourself for what Franco did and for what I did. I should have killed that bastard the moment he came back into town. Say WHAT? HE HAS THE BABY???
CARLY: Oh, Sonny! It's all MY FAULT that our FAVORITEST SON hates our guts. I wore that hideous spy cam around my neck! I convinced myself Franco was a changed man and the tumor made him do what he did before. EVERYONE warned me about Franco. Even LITTLE CORN GIRL!!! Even little corn girl! Everything went to hell in a handbasket when Jason died. I bought into the lie that Franco was Jason's twin and that he had a little sliver of Jason in him. No, he's 100% Franco! By the way, that freak has your daughter-or-granddaughter. God, I hope she's your daughter because if Morgan's the father, that means I'm a GRANDMOTHER, Sonny! A FREAKIN' GRANDMOTHER! I'd rather believe that baby was born out of your crypt sex with Ava than that I'm a GRANDMOTHER!
ALEXIS: Here's the deal, Duke. You either deliver Sonny's head on a stick or you're sharing a cellblock in Pentonville. Take it or leave it. Sorry, Lucy, but my client does not want to help himself. That's all I can say. Ever heard of attorney/client privilege? Didn't think so.
DUKE: I will NOT give up Sonny for freedom. There has to be some other way. On the other hand, bromance is in the air! I gave Sonny my word and in our world, your word is everything. Hello, Lucy. Thank you for having my back, but I'm kind of too busy having Sonny's back right now. WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT PEPPERONI???
LUCY: Anna! I need to see DUKE! You know, the good looking Scottish guy you dumped? Why can't I talk to him? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? Oh, he's talking with Alexis. Ok, I'll just stay here and bug you until he's done, 'kay? Hi Dukie-pie! Did Alexis bust you out of here? No? Well I'm going to tag along to the arraignment and pester some sense into you.
NIK: Cattle trade. The Dow. Stocks and bonds. Verrry interesting. Good morning, Britt. Don't we look like an old married couple, all reading our print newspapers over breakfast? What has Obrecht done this time? I swear she and my grandmother used to be mahjong buddies. Let's go have some sex, shall we? Damn doorbell! Why did I ever let Alfred negotiate vacation time. So un-Cassadine of me. What can I do for you, Agent Sloane? Oh yeah, Victor. I didn't know ANYTHING about whatever crazy experiments he was up to in the WSB. Or the cryo-lab for that matter, unless he was trying to defrost my father for the 5,000th time. Is it true he defrosted grandmother too? Oh, it's BRITT you want to talk to. What have you done, Britt? Am I going to have to kick you out of Wyndemere and break Spencer's heart AGAIN?
BRITT: What's up in the financial world, Nikolas? Oh, crap, what has my mother done this time? Another scandal? Mother, mother, mother! Ok, let's hit the sheets. Or get the door. It's a Fed. Me? Is this about my...mother? Please don't let it be about the disappearing thing with Spencer. Oh, it's about Daddy Faison this time. I thought he was back at that German super-max. He's not? He's dead? Should I be sad or should I be scared? Commissioner Devane and Robin's dad killed him? What do I have to do?
AGENT SLOANE: Hello. I am agent Sloane. I have a few questions for you, Mr. Cassadine. It's about your late uncle Victor. He was up to no good as head of the WSB. Do you know anything of his dirty dealings? Dr. Westbourne, it has come to my attention that your father was killed by rogue WSB agents Anna Devane and Robert Scorpio. We need you to help throw the book at Devane. Scorpio is still MIA. However, there is a man who looks just like him a few soap towns away...
OBRECHT: Herr Doe! Vat aah you still doing here? I sought you were discharged last night? I see Nurse Webber is still super-glued to your hip. I trust you have spoken wiss Social Services and found a nice homeless shelter to to go? You aah taking in ze stray, Nurse Webber? Vy am I not surprised? I vill not miss your insolence, Herr Doe. You vill use ze Nina Chair to leave zis hospital. Ve can't have you getting injured and suing us. Anna Devane, mortal enemy of mine! Vatch vere you aah going!
JAKE DOE: I'm still here, Dr. O. And you're still a German battleax. Chill, doc! I'm on my way out. I'm going home to be Uhlizabeth's English Patient. Check out this awesome cane! Bye, Dr. O. What, the Nina Chair again? I liked my cane better. Hey, whoa, back up the bus. Who's that dude? And that old guy? And the old lady? It's that old deja vu feeling again. It's really creepy. Am I a Nicklemaine--I mean a Quartermaine? I feel like that name fits. Nah, I'm just some random stranger in a Nina Chair. I'll stick with Doe for now. Nice digs, Uhlizabeth. What do we have here? The guy in that picture looks like a Jason.
LIZ: Relax, Dr. O. We're on our way out. We're turning in the release papers right now. He's coming home with me. Why? Um, in case you haven't noticed, Dr. O, I'm in lurve with him! Let's get out of here, Jake. My boys can't wait to meet you. You recognize him? He's Alan Quartermaine. He was Chief of Staff here once upon a time. Way better at it than Obrecht. He died a few years ago. That's Edward, his dad and Lila, his mom. They died too. We're home!
KIKI: Michael! What the hell are you doing with Rooosalieeee? You're MY boyfriend, not HERS! Go away, ROOOOSALIEEEE! Get out of MY BOYFRIEND'S bed! Michael, I know I lied to you about everything including Santa Claus, but I STILL LOOOOVE YOU!!! YOU HAVE TO TAKE ME BACK PUH-PUH-PUH-LEASE!!! You can't throw away what WE HAD just because I lie like a rug! OH MIIICHAAAEELL!
MICHAEL: What does it LOOK like I'm doing, KIKI? I'm having SEX with ROSALIE and I wanted to KEEP HAVING SEX with ROSALIE but YOUR DEAD-TO-ME ASS came barging into MY APARTMENT instead! You're a liar. You lied about everything, now you made Rosalie disappear. WE'RE DONE, KIKI! How many ways do I have to say it? YOU'RE DEAD TO ME. GO BACK TO MY EX-BROTHER MORGAN. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. HELLO, EX-FATHER. HELLO, EX-MOTHER. How's life in the hoosegow?
ROSALIE: I gotta go. Sorry about all this drama, Kiki. You guys need to talk.
SONNY: Michael hates me, Carly. I'm DEAD TO HIM, which is Corinthos for having been disowned. I don't blame him, seeing that I offed AJ but the pain and the angst of losing my CHOSEN SON are real, Carly. I don't care about being sent to P-ville, or that other son--what's his name--Morgan, still loves me. I LOST MICHAEL FOR GOOD!!! Carly, you have to stop blaming yourself for what Franco did and for what I did. I should have killed that bastard the moment he came back into town. Say WHAT? HE HAS THE BABY???
CARLY: Oh, Sonny! It's all MY FAULT that our FAVORITEST SON hates our guts. I wore that hideous spy cam around my neck! I convinced myself Franco was a changed man and the tumor made him do what he did before. EVERYONE warned me about Franco. Even LITTLE CORN GIRL!!! Even little corn girl! Everything went to hell in a handbasket when Jason died. I bought into the lie that Franco was Jason's twin and that he had a little sliver of Jason in him. No, he's 100% Franco! By the way, that freak has your daughter-or-granddaughter. God, I hope she's your daughter because if Morgan's the father, that means I'm a GRANDMOTHER, Sonny! A FREAKIN' GRANDMOTHER! I'd rather believe that baby was born out of your crypt sex with Ava than that I'm a GRANDMOTHER!
ALEXIS: Here's the deal, Duke. You either deliver Sonny's head on a stick or you're sharing a cellblock in Pentonville. Take it or leave it. Sorry, Lucy, but my client does not want to help himself. That's all I can say. Ever heard of attorney/client privilege? Didn't think so.
DUKE: I will NOT give up Sonny for freedom. There has to be some other way. On the other hand, bromance is in the air! I gave Sonny my word and in our world, your word is everything. Hello, Lucy. Thank you for having my back, but I'm kind of too busy having Sonny's back right now. WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT PEPPERONI???
LUCY: Anna! I need to see DUKE! You know, the good looking Scottish guy you dumped? Why can't I talk to him? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? Oh, he's talking with Alexis. Ok, I'll just stay here and bug you until he's done, 'kay? Hi Dukie-pie! Did Alexis bust you out of here? No? Well I'm going to tag along to the arraignment and pester some sense into you.
NIK: Cattle trade. The Dow. Stocks and bonds. Verrry interesting. Good morning, Britt. Don't we look like an old married couple, all reading our print newspapers over breakfast? What has Obrecht done this time? I swear she and my grandmother used to be mahjong buddies. Let's go have some sex, shall we? Damn doorbell! Why did I ever let Alfred negotiate vacation time. So un-Cassadine of me. What can I do for you, Agent Sloane? Oh yeah, Victor. I didn't know ANYTHING about whatever crazy experiments he was up to in the WSB. Or the cryo-lab for that matter, unless he was trying to defrost my father for the 5,000th time. Is it true he defrosted grandmother too? Oh, it's BRITT you want to talk to. What have you done, Britt? Am I going to have to kick you out of Wyndemere and break Spencer's heart AGAIN?
BRITT: What's up in the financial world, Nikolas? Oh, crap, what has my mother done this time? Another scandal? Mother, mother, mother! Ok, let's hit the sheets. Or get the door. It's a Fed. Me? Is this about my...mother? Please don't let it be about the disappearing thing with Spencer. Oh, it's about Daddy Faison this time. I thought he was back at that German super-max. He's not? He's dead? Should I be sad or should I be scared? Commissioner Devane and Robin's dad killed him? What do I have to do?
AGENT SLOANE: Hello. I am agent Sloane. I have a few questions for you, Mr. Cassadine. It's about your late uncle Victor. He was up to no good as head of the WSB. Do you know anything of his dirty dealings? Dr. Westbourne, it has come to my attention that your father was killed by rogue WSB agents Anna Devane and Robert Scorpio. We need you to help throw the book at Devane. Scorpio is still MIA. However, there is a man who looks just like him a few soap towns away...
OBRECHT: Herr Doe! Vat aah you still doing here? I sought you were discharged last night? I see Nurse Webber is still super-glued to your hip. I trust you have spoken wiss Social Services and found a nice homeless shelter to to go? You aah taking in ze stray, Nurse Webber? Vy am I not surprised? I vill not miss your insolence, Herr Doe. You vill use ze Nina Chair to leave zis hospital. Ve can't have you getting injured and suing us. Anna Devane, mortal enemy of mine! Vatch vere you aah going!
JAKE DOE: I'm still here, Dr. O. And you're still a German battleax. Chill, doc! I'm on my way out. I'm going home to be Uhlizabeth's English Patient. Check out this awesome cane! Bye, Dr. O. What, the Nina Chair again? I liked my cane better. Hey, whoa, back up the bus. Who's that dude? And that old guy? And the old lady? It's that old deja vu feeling again. It's really creepy. Am I a Nicklemaine--I mean a Quartermaine? I feel like that name fits. Nah, I'm just some random stranger in a Nina Chair. I'll stick with Doe for now. Nice digs, Uhlizabeth. What do we have here? The guy in that picture looks like a Jason.
LIZ: Relax, Dr. O. We're on our way out. We're turning in the release papers right now. He's coming home with me. Why? Um, in case you haven't noticed, Dr. O, I'm in lurve with him! Let's get out of here, Jake. My boys can't wait to meet you. You recognize him? He's Alan Quartermaine. He was Chief of Staff here once upon a time. Way better at it than Obrecht. He died a few years ago. That's Edward, his dad and Lila, his mom. They died too. We're home!
KIKI: Michael! What the hell are you doing with Rooosalieeee? You're MY boyfriend, not HERS! Go away, ROOOOSALIEEEE! Get out of MY BOYFRIEND'S bed! Michael, I know I lied to you about everything including Santa Claus, but I STILL LOOOOVE YOU!!! YOU HAVE TO TAKE ME BACK PUH-PUH-PUH-LEASE!!! You can't throw away what WE HAD just because I lie like a rug! OH MIIICHAAAEELL!
MICHAEL: What does it LOOK like I'm doing, KIKI? I'm having SEX with ROSALIE and I wanted to KEEP HAVING SEX with ROSALIE but YOUR DEAD-TO-ME ASS came barging into MY APARTMENT instead! You're a liar. You lied about everything, now you made Rosalie disappear. WE'RE DONE, KIKI! How many ways do I have to say it? YOU'RE DEAD TO ME. GO BACK TO MY EX-BROTHER MORGAN. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. HELLO, EX-FATHER. HELLO, EX-MOTHER. How's life in the hoosegow?
ROSALIE: I gotta go. Sorry about all this drama, Kiki. You guys need to talk.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Long Overdue November
So, seeing that Halloween in The Chuckles was stretched to epic proportions to ensure The Great Pumpkin's arrival, now we find ourselves (finally) in November. Meanwhile, in the real world, it's been November for almost two weeks.
FRANCO: Wow, was that the Longest. Halloween. Ever. The good news is, The Great Pumpkin finally rose up out of the pumpkin patch. The bad news is, I'm on the lam with someone even crazier than myself and a day-old premature baby that by a strange wrinkle in the space-time continuum appears to be 4 months old. Hey, Nina! This baby you call Zyrtec is not yours with Silas. I think you've been screwing around with SONNY 'cuz that kid looks just like him. See, I can't let you dial that cockadoody phone because if you call Silas, he calls the Po-Po and we're getting thrown in The Big House. Either that or we're bunking with my wacky BLT-loving mother in Ferncliff. Hey hey! I take it back, you are the baby's mother. The baby needs her mother because, despite my many attempts at kidnapping infants, I don't know how to do the whole diaper thing. Give me the phone, Nina. No Silas. Capiche?
NINA: Guess what, Baby Zyrtec? You're in another country now! Can you say Canada? This is my friend Franco. I need to call Silas. He's probably worried sick about me and Baby Zyrtec. Gimme the phone. What? Why can't I call him? You sound just like my mean mommy! She told me I shouldn't call Silas and then she PRETENDED to call Silas. She crossed me and so I went after her with Mr. Lamp. Franco, you don't want me to find a household weapon to attack you with now, do you? I'm not a nice person when I don't get my way. Baby Zyrtec IS TOO MY BABY!!! She's MY BABY WITH SILAS! Take that back, Franco! Say you know she's my baby! SAY IT, SAY IT, SAY IT!!! You know why you're my bestie, Franco? Because you're crazy just like me. But we're a GOOD CRAZY! WE'RE A CRAZY-GOOD CRAZY! Here, hold Zyrtec! Isn't she the cutest thing you've ever seen? She's not a day over 4 months old. Oh, Franco, you are hilarious playing Bomb or No Bomb with Carly and those people I don't know. Your mother's crazy too? Boo Yah!
MICHAEL: Dammit, phone! Where's the DEAD TO ME function? So, Rosalie, wanna have some more sex? You're the only other person who exists in my world anymore. Besides me of course. Mom--CARLY, and SONNY are DEAD TO ME. So are MORGAN and KIKI. Kiki has done nothing but lie to me and keep secrets from me. She even lied to me about Morgan having rabies! Speaking of MORGAN, he's weak and gullible. He let Kiki totally play him. She played him like a banjo. Ok, let's have some more sex. What could you have possibly done, Rosalie, that you want to forget? Don't think you need to be feeling sorry for Ava. She killed Connie Falconeri who was Sonny's girlfriend. That poor baby has two criminals for parents and she's been kidnapped by a Heather Webber-grade whackjob. Rosalie, I think we should adopt that kid and protect her from the evildoers of the world. More. Sex. Now.
ROSALIE: I had a great time, Michael, but I have to get going. You have a girlfriend. Oh, that's right, you disowned her. She's not my favorite person in the world, but you might, after you're finished being totally justifiably pissed off, want to get back together. I sort of did have an ulterior motive for sleeping with you. I wanted to forget being chewed out by Nut-face Nina's cop brother-cousin. He knew that I told Crazypants' mother where Ava was because said mother would have told my secret if I didn't. What, Ava's a murderer? Poor kid. What the hell. Let's go at it some more.
KIKI: Michael, PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE WITH 5,000 CHERRIES ON TOP, PLEASE CALL ME! I'm SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU!!! Hi Dad. I think I'm DEAD TO MICHAEL. He won't answer his phone. I've left him 6 trillion messages. I MIIIIISSS HHHHIIIMMM! Thanks for the advice, Dad. I'll go over to his apartment right now. Like, O to the MG! What is MY BOYFRIEND doing in bed with Roooosalieeee?
SILAS: Ava, I think you need to listen to your brother and stay in bed. Detective West is trying to get answers from Madeline right now. Kiki, what's eating ya? Did you try calling him? You need to go over there and fight for him.
AVA: Where am I? WHERE'S MY BABY! I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE AND FIND HER! She's with NINA THE NUTCASE! I am going to go rip that Madeline woman a new one! She helped NINA take MY BABY!!! JULIAN, I HAVE TO FIND MY BABY! Silas, Silas you have to let me out of here to FIND MY BABY!!!! Nina's YOUR DERANGED WIFE!
NATHAN: Mother, I need to ask you some questions. You're at the hospital. You got knocked unconscious. The cuffs? You're under arrest for aiding and abetting a kidnapping. Where is Nina? She left? Where did she go? Who was with her? Franco? How did Franco know where Nina was?
MADELINE: Ugh, where am I? Why am I in the hospital? What's with the handcuffs? Is this 50 shades of white coats? Hi James! I don't know where Nina is. The last time I saw her she was holding lamp parts over me in murderous fashion. Then someone came and took her and the baby. That someone? Franco. Franco saved me from certain Death By Motel Lamp and then I passed out again.
DR. OBRECHT: I am happy to help you Nassan. I am your muzzer. Magda looks so veak and small in zat hospital bed. I used to be so afraid of her. She vasn't always zis skinny little blonde wis no German accent. Nassan, I am afraid I vas ze one to tell Franco vere Nina vas. Nina and Franco aah friends.
MORGAN: Mom, I'm so glad Franco didn't shoot you or blow you up. Even if you do sometimes forget I exist because you're so obsessed with Mikey. Hey, Mom, no worries. You were wrong about Franco just like I was wrong about Ava. Talking to Mikey might not be in the cards, Mom. I'm kinda DEAD TO HIM. So is Kiki. We knew about Dad killing AJ. Ava told us. That's before I learned that Ava killed Connie. Oh man, how can you guys arrest my mom? Ava, there are people looking for your baby. She will be found.
CARLY: Morgan, thank you for making sure Michael didn't shoot Sonny. He would have DESTROYED HIS LIFE if he did. Once he got over this whole Sonny shooting AJ thing, he would have really regretted it if he had pulled the trigger. About Ava, you can be forgiven for being wrong about her. You're young and naive. Hey, I'm glad I didn't lose you too. What? FRANCO KIDNAPPED A BABY TOO? IT DOESN'T END WITH THAT FREAK! It's okay, Morgan. I knew this arrest was coming. Besides, I have a hankering to see Sonny. Sonny! I've missed you! Now we're in the clink together.
SONNY: I have to get the hell out of here to go find my daughter or granddaughter. I've gotta know which one she is, for one. For two, she's out there with a total lunatic, and for three, she's a premature baby who needs to be in the hospital. Oh, good! Alexis to the rescue! Come on, Alexis. Spring me for old time's sake. I HAVE TO FIND THAT BABY! Carly! You're in one piece! Franco didn't blow you up! Thank God!
DUKE: That's funny. I don't remember hiring an attorney. I can't afford you, Alexis. Lucy paid? How generous of her. I was hoping it was Anna, but oh well. Alexis, defend Sonny instead. I'd take a bullet for that man.
ANNA: D.A. Baldwin, do you know where Franco is? He is facing kidnapping charges for holding Carly, Shawn, Jordan, and your ex Heather Webber hostage. That's a nice letter, but you need to arrest your son. I need that warrant. No favoritism.
SCOTT: No, I don't know where Franco is, but I got this nice male-bonding letter from him. He got all sentimental about sharing steak and booze with me while we were in our fuzzy robes at the MetroCourt. Fine, fine! I'll issue a warrant.
ALEXIS: I'm not here to defend you, Sonny. I'm here for Duke. Hello, Sonny? You fired me, remember! You gave me the pink slip for canoodling with Julian. Call Diane. She hasn't been in bed with any Jeromes. Not to my knowledge at least. That woman does get around. Is she still hung up on Max?
FRANCO: Wow, was that the Longest. Halloween. Ever. The good news is, The Great Pumpkin finally rose up out of the pumpkin patch. The bad news is, I'm on the lam with someone even crazier than myself and a day-old premature baby that by a strange wrinkle in the space-time continuum appears to be 4 months old. Hey, Nina! This baby you call Zyrtec is not yours with Silas. I think you've been screwing around with SONNY 'cuz that kid looks just like him. See, I can't let you dial that cockadoody phone because if you call Silas, he calls the Po-Po and we're getting thrown in The Big House. Either that or we're bunking with my wacky BLT-loving mother in Ferncliff. Hey hey! I take it back, you are the baby's mother. The baby needs her mother because, despite my many attempts at kidnapping infants, I don't know how to do the whole diaper thing. Give me the phone, Nina. No Silas. Capiche?
NINA: Guess what, Baby Zyrtec? You're in another country now! Can you say Canada? This is my friend Franco. I need to call Silas. He's probably worried sick about me and Baby Zyrtec. Gimme the phone. What? Why can't I call him? You sound just like my mean mommy! She told me I shouldn't call Silas and then she PRETENDED to call Silas. She crossed me and so I went after her with Mr. Lamp. Franco, you don't want me to find a household weapon to attack you with now, do you? I'm not a nice person when I don't get my way. Baby Zyrtec IS TOO MY BABY!!! She's MY BABY WITH SILAS! Take that back, Franco! Say you know she's my baby! SAY IT, SAY IT, SAY IT!!! You know why you're my bestie, Franco? Because you're crazy just like me. But we're a GOOD CRAZY! WE'RE A CRAZY-GOOD CRAZY! Here, hold Zyrtec! Isn't she the cutest thing you've ever seen? She's not a day over 4 months old. Oh, Franco, you are hilarious playing Bomb or No Bomb with Carly and those people I don't know. Your mother's crazy too? Boo Yah!
MICHAEL: Dammit, phone! Where's the DEAD TO ME function? So, Rosalie, wanna have some more sex? You're the only other person who exists in my world anymore. Besides me of course. Mom--CARLY, and SONNY are DEAD TO ME. So are MORGAN and KIKI. Kiki has done nothing but lie to me and keep secrets from me. She even lied to me about Morgan having rabies! Speaking of MORGAN, he's weak and gullible. He let Kiki totally play him. She played him like a banjo. Ok, let's have some more sex. What could you have possibly done, Rosalie, that you want to forget? Don't think you need to be feeling sorry for Ava. She killed Connie Falconeri who was Sonny's girlfriend. That poor baby has two criminals for parents and she's been kidnapped by a Heather Webber-grade whackjob. Rosalie, I think we should adopt that kid and protect her from the evildoers of the world. More. Sex. Now.
ROSALIE: I had a great time, Michael, but I have to get going. You have a girlfriend. Oh, that's right, you disowned her. She's not my favorite person in the world, but you might, after you're finished being totally justifiably pissed off, want to get back together. I sort of did have an ulterior motive for sleeping with you. I wanted to forget being chewed out by Nut-face Nina's cop brother-cousin. He knew that I told Crazypants' mother where Ava was because said mother would have told my secret if I didn't. What, Ava's a murderer? Poor kid. What the hell. Let's go at it some more.
KIKI: Michael, PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE WITH 5,000 CHERRIES ON TOP, PLEASE CALL ME! I'm SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU!!! Hi Dad. I think I'm DEAD TO MICHAEL. He won't answer his phone. I've left him 6 trillion messages. I MIIIIISSS HHHHIIIMMM! Thanks for the advice, Dad. I'll go over to his apartment right now. Like, O to the MG! What is MY BOYFRIEND doing in bed with Roooosalieeee?
SILAS: Ava, I think you need to listen to your brother and stay in bed. Detective West is trying to get answers from Madeline right now. Kiki, what's eating ya? Did you try calling him? You need to go over there and fight for him.
AVA: Where am I? WHERE'S MY BABY! I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE AND FIND HER! She's with NINA THE NUTCASE! I am going to go rip that Madeline woman a new one! She helped NINA take MY BABY!!! JULIAN, I HAVE TO FIND MY BABY! Silas, Silas you have to let me out of here to FIND MY BABY!!!! Nina's YOUR DERANGED WIFE!
NATHAN: Mother, I need to ask you some questions. You're at the hospital. You got knocked unconscious. The cuffs? You're under arrest for aiding and abetting a kidnapping. Where is Nina? She left? Where did she go? Who was with her? Franco? How did Franco know where Nina was?
MADELINE: Ugh, where am I? Why am I in the hospital? What's with the handcuffs? Is this 50 shades of white coats? Hi James! I don't know where Nina is. The last time I saw her she was holding lamp parts over me in murderous fashion. Then someone came and took her and the baby. That someone? Franco. Franco saved me from certain Death By Motel Lamp and then I passed out again.
DR. OBRECHT: I am happy to help you Nassan. I am your muzzer. Magda looks so veak and small in zat hospital bed. I used to be so afraid of her. She vasn't always zis skinny little blonde wis no German accent. Nassan, I am afraid I vas ze one to tell Franco vere Nina vas. Nina and Franco aah friends.
MORGAN: Mom, I'm so glad Franco didn't shoot you or blow you up. Even if you do sometimes forget I exist because you're so obsessed with Mikey. Hey, Mom, no worries. You were wrong about Franco just like I was wrong about Ava. Talking to Mikey might not be in the cards, Mom. I'm kinda DEAD TO HIM. So is Kiki. We knew about Dad killing AJ. Ava told us. That's before I learned that Ava killed Connie. Oh man, how can you guys arrest my mom? Ava, there are people looking for your baby. She will be found.
CARLY: Morgan, thank you for making sure Michael didn't shoot Sonny. He would have DESTROYED HIS LIFE if he did. Once he got over this whole Sonny shooting AJ thing, he would have really regretted it if he had pulled the trigger. About Ava, you can be forgiven for being wrong about her. You're young and naive. Hey, I'm glad I didn't lose you too. What? FRANCO KIDNAPPED A BABY TOO? IT DOESN'T END WITH THAT FREAK! It's okay, Morgan. I knew this arrest was coming. Besides, I have a hankering to see Sonny. Sonny! I've missed you! Now we're in the clink together.
SONNY: I have to get the hell out of here to go find my daughter or granddaughter. I've gotta know which one she is, for one. For two, she's out there with a total lunatic, and for three, she's a premature baby who needs to be in the hospital. Oh, good! Alexis to the rescue! Come on, Alexis. Spring me for old time's sake. I HAVE TO FIND THAT BABY! Carly! You're in one piece! Franco didn't blow you up! Thank God!
DUKE: That's funny. I don't remember hiring an attorney. I can't afford you, Alexis. Lucy paid? How generous of her. I was hoping it was Anna, but oh well. Alexis, defend Sonny instead. I'd take a bullet for that man.
ANNA: D.A. Baldwin, do you know where Franco is? He is facing kidnapping charges for holding Carly, Shawn, Jordan, and your ex Heather Webber hostage. That's a nice letter, but you need to arrest your son. I need that warrant. No favoritism.
SCOTT: No, I don't know where Franco is, but I got this nice male-bonding letter from him. He got all sentimental about sharing steak and booze with me while we were in our fuzzy robes at the MetroCourt. Fine, fine! I'll issue a warrant.
ALEXIS: I'm not here to defend you, Sonny. I'm here for Duke. Hello, Sonny? You fired me, remember! You gave me the pink slip for canoodling with Julian. Call Diane. She hasn't been in bed with any Jeromes. Not to my knowledge at least. That woman does get around. Is she still hung up on Max?
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Wayback Wednesday: The Beginnings of General Hilarity
Wayback is a gross overstatement, since this blog goes back all of 2 1/2 weeks, but Thursdays are always busy for me so I'm archiving the recaps I did in the comments section of WubTub before I started this blog.
The Very First Recap: All is Cray-Cray in The Chuckles (Friday Oct. 17, 2014)
It was a turn-the-cray-cray-dial-up-to-11 kind of day!
NINA: The list, mother, THE LIST!!! You were on the list, you got crossed off the list, now YOU'RE BACK ON AGAIN!!! I'm gonna kill you with this antler thing and--oh, wait, never mind, can you steal Ava's baby for me instead?
FRANCO: Hi Mom! Long time no see. I'm marrying Carly. But you were right, she is a lying slut. That's why you're gonna be front and center at our WEDDING!
HEATHER: Where's my real son Steven LARZZZZ! I have no use for sons who try to kill me. Mmmm, is that a BLT? I was RIGHT??? Hallelujah, I WAS RIGHT!!! Steven Who? Do I get to kill the lying wench before or after she walks down the aisle? I always liked you better anyway.
NATHAN: Where's Nina?
MADELINE: BEWARE THE NINA!
SILAS: BEWARE THE NINA!
AVA: Where the #&@#& are Kiki and Silas? My uterus is being shot out of a cannon here!!!
SABRINA: I'm a murderess! Toss me in the clink, Detective and throw away the key!
Line of the day has to go to Nina: Who are you calling? Ghostbusters?
Monday, Oct. 20: The Cray Goes On
Nutty Nina's back at it today and so are Crazy and Son of Crazy. Here goes:
NINA: Will you do it, Mommy? Will you steal Ava's baby for me? Pretty please with sugar on top? Daddy woulda done it. By the way, Daddy loved me 1,000 times more than he loved you. He NEVER said no to me. Screw ethics, Mom! How does a bundle of cold hard cash, as in MY MONEY which you have NONE OF, make you feel? Uh oh! Jay's here. Make him disappear, Mom.
MADELINE: No, Nina, I'm not going to steal a baby for you because all of the sudden, I grew a moral compass. I'm sorry, James. I had to chain the door to keep out THE NINA! No, she's not hiding behind a wall with a household object re-purposed as a weapon in her hand.
NATHAN: Where's Nina? I have to stop her from doing whatever supposedly violent things she's doing.
HEATHER: You want me at your wedding? Gee, New Favorite Son, I'd love to come, but, you know, a bunch of Navy SEALS have been commissioned to make sure I stay in this place in the afterlife. You can bust me out? That's so nice of you, you deliverer of BLTs but how? How are we going to team up to bring down--OLIVIA?? What's that evil shrew doing on your spycam? That LSD was supposed to kill her, not make her everybody's psychic friend. Now back to Carly. How are you planning on springing me so we can be mother and son partners in crime?
SHAWN: Oh oh here she comes! Heather at three o'clock. She ain't faking labor pains and getting away in anyone's car this time.
OLIVIA: Psychic visions? What psychic visions--OMG OMG OMG!!! It's HEATHER WEBBER WITH A KNIFE IN THE METROCOURT!
SONNY: Come on, Olivia. It looks like you're in need of some libations.
CARLY: I'm marrying Franco and nothing you can say will stop me.
BOBBIE: Guess what, Brad? Lucas has a top-secret M.D. degree. You've been working at a hospital and he's been a doctor all along.
LUCAS: MOTHER! You weren't supposed to say anything about my secret degree! It's a S-E-C-R-E-T, remember? I'm not gonna practice medicine and nothing you say will stop me from not practicing medicine.
SILAS: I've got just the thing for you, Ava. A shot that will stop your uterus from orbiting Neptune. Remember, needle good, pills bad.
AVA: Thanks, Silas. Even though you still kinda hate me it was nice of you to come over and stick the anti-labor needle in me.
SABRINA: Carrrrrrrrrlos didn't do it. I just know he didn't 'cuz you know AJ didn't kill Connie. Carrrrrrrlos is in the clink because Ava threatened to off me and my kid if he didn't but that doesn't mean she killed AJ. Or does it?
MICHAEL: If Carrrrrrrrlos didn't do it, then who did? Ava? This is gonna put a damper on sexy time with Kiki. Do I still have Rosalie's number?
Tuesday, Oct. 21: No Time for Drug Dealers
NINA: So you'll do it, Mommy? Say it out loud: Nina, I will help you steal Ava's baby. Yay, Mom! Even though you're doing it for the payola. Beggars can't be choosers. Okay, now pinterest had a how-to on finger-knitting hair. Let me practice. No, Mom, I don't know exactly where Ava is, but Rosalie does. You know, short, dark hair, mildly attractive but could use some time at the gym if she really wants to seduce Michael away from Kiki. But she ain't telling. I may just have to tell her dirty little secret.
MADELINE: Deets, please! Hey, Rosalie, it's Nina's Mama. How about we have a little tete a tete--James! No, I don't know where Nina is. She is not six feet away from me mouthing your name.
SHAWN: Looks like Heather & Franco might be BFFs. Gonna be hard to frame her for his murder that way.
SONNY: But the log at Ferncliff just says that he visited. It didn't say they got all chummy about taking down Carly on her wedding day. For all we know, he could have threatened her with Death By BLT.
CARLY: Let's go somewhere else, Franco. Somewhere you won't go antagonizing Sonny.
FRANCO: How cute. You're all afraid of Sonny now. Guess what, I talked to Michael about Sonny & AJ.
MICHAEL: Kiki, we need to talk. I think your mom offed my dad because this Sabrina person I've only known for five seconds says her Carrrrrrrrlos didn't do it. Hey, commish. I think I know who killed AJ.
KIKI: Pfft! Since when are you and Sabrina BFFs? Carrrrrrlos confessed so Carrrrrrrlos did it. End of Story. It's not like Mom was covering for you other dad, Sonny.
TJ: Weee Sill Voose Plate. Damn! French is so hard. Mom, can't you see I'm studying? I have no time to talk to drug dealers. I have a midterm tomorrow
JORDAN: I know I've hurt you, Thomas, but I just can't tell you yet that I'm not a drug dealer. But I will say I didn't know my fellow dealers were adding a little something-something to the coke.
AVA: I'm feeling so much better now that my uterus has returned to its rightful position in my abdomen. I could paint a whole nursery right now. How's about bright cheerful green. Don't like that? Day-glo orange with purple accents? Let's go with a total '80s theme. By the way, Silas, I only hid Kiki from you because I didn't want you to be sent to the hoosegow with motive to ice Nina for 20 years.
SILAS: You need your rest, Ava. You know, I kinda sorta forgive you for that now that I know you were just depriving me of 20 years with my daughter to protect me. I'll be back in a few hours with another injection from The Needle of Non-Labor Goodness. Don't take any more Baby-Killer pills in the meantime.
NATHAN: Hey, aren't you Rosalie, my sister-cousin's nurse? Where IS Nina anyway? Please tell me she's not off doing violent things.
ROSALIE: Your guess is as good as mine. She gave me the axe and I'm totally ignoring her phone calls. OMG, now her MOM wants to talk to me.
Wednesday, Oct. 22: Return of Ze Boss
LIZ: Look, Jake, new non-ICU room, with a window and everything! You don't have to eat that NutriSlop. That's our crazy chief of staff Dr. Obrecht's idea. She wants to torture the patients before she releases them. Hey, don't try to walk! I know of someone who has a wheelchair she doesn't need anymore. Um, hello Frau Frankenstein! Who busted you out of lockup this time?
JAKE DOE: I heard TWO voices at the scene of The Car Accident That Changed My Face. TWO! That Ashford lady and someone else. Who was she? She sounded blonde...and pregnant. Oh, so this is German battleaxe who runs this place. Yeah, not digging the health slop. It looks like something that would be coming up from my stomach, not down into it.
OBRECHT: Ze boss eez back! Oh how I've missed your insolence, Nurse Webber. Remember the last time I fired you? Herr Doe, you must eat the NutriGruel. You want to call yourself Jake? What aah you, a mongrel dog? How about Cesaaah, now ZAT is a fine name. Commissioner Devane, did you miss me you schadenfreude gewurztraminer? I shot Victor to protect my son now why did you shoot my Cesaaah?
LULU: Eat your Baby NutriSlop, Rocco. It's yummy! So, Tracy, what's the latest on Dad. Is mobbed up to his eyeballs or was that just an ugly rumor? But where is Jerry keeping him?
TRACY: Ha! Luke has been innocent all along! Jerry Jacks kidnapped him and has been brainwashing him. If I hand him ELQ on a silver platter, he will give my husband back to me. I just have to bamboozle Michael into giving his shares to me after I conspired with Luke to bring him down. That'll be easy once my son Ned agrees to help me.
OLIVIA: Dante, sweetheart, will you go check to make sure Heather Webber is safely locked away at Ferncliff so I don't keep having these psychic visions of her wielding knives? Thanks, honey.
SONNY: (with his eyes) Dante, don't do it. (with his mouth) Hey, Rocco, Grampa Sonny has an offer you can't refuse.
NED: So, resorting to smearing "Ted Ashton" in your rag sheet now, Julian? All because you want your sleazy mobbed-up hands on Alexis? Go ahead. Make my day.
JULIAN: Get out of dodge, Ted, or your name will be Mud in The Chuckles. Alexis is mine for the taking and you don't wanna mess with a mobster who owns the fourth estate. Alexis, you will come back to me once I remove Ted from the equation.
ALEXIS: So, Sam, you're saying Jerry is holding Luke hostage and he's Julian's boss? This changes everything. No, it doesn't. He's still a lying scoundrel. Ned! Julian! Cool it with the fisticuffs!
SAM: So, Jerry has Luke and Tracy is eating out of his hand. Patrick, you make a great adventure buddy, but I'm really missing Jason.
PATRICK: That's okay. I sometimes miss Robin too, but then I remember that she would rather be anywhere else but with me and Emma. But, I have a new friend with benefits, so that sorta makes it better.
MICHAEL: Commish, who killed AJ? Sabrina said it wasn't Carlos. Kiki said it wasn't Ava but I kind of think it was Ava because Dad Sonny promised he wouldn't kill Dad AJ. You gotta help me here.
ANNA: Yeah, good luck with that. I don't have enough to go on beyond "she said she said". Well, if it isn't Leisl Obrecht, the woman I can't keep behind bars. What do you want this time you Teutonic sociopath?
MORGAN: Kiki, tell me you didn't tell Michael that Ava didn't kill AJ but you didn't tell her she did kill AJ either. By the way, your dad injected the Needle of Goodness into your mom again so I think the kid's gonna be okay.
KIKI: Of course not, I just stalled, then he called the cops. If he finds out Sonny did it, IT WILL DESTROY HIM!!!
Thursday, Oct. 23: The Nina Chair
LIZ: So, Jake, let me tell you the life story of my ex-lover Jason. He was a Q, got into an accident, lost his memory, then he wasn't a Q anymore. Sound familiar? How about a spin around the hospital in the Nina Chair? Come on, it'll be fun! Here's the art studio where Nina's BFF and fellow lunatic Franco finger paints and calls it therapy. Uh oh, looks like I actually have another patient. Whodathunkit? Catch ya later.
JAKE: So this Jason guy, does he remind you of me for some crazy reason? Oh, alright, I'll ride the Nina Chair but let me try to stand up first. Franco...I think I might sorta know this guy. Hey can you paint me something? Where have I seen this tall blonde chick before?
FRANCO: Can't wait for our wedding tomorrow, Carly. Love you. NOT! Ok, maybe I still love her a little. Nah, she doesn't love me. She loves Sonny. Sit tight, Mom, someone will be by to spring you soon.
HEATHER: Uh, hello Franco! Snarly Carly is a lying, cheating wench, remember? The wedding is supposed to be about REVENGE! What did Sonny do? Deets, PLEASE!!! So when am I getting outta here? Guess this black guy's here to spring me. Could do much worse...
SONNY: We've gotta off Franco, Shawn. If we don't he's gonna marry Carly and we can't have that. I'll take care of Dante and make sure he checks on Heather by calling the dude Franco paid to spring her, right before Shawn knocks him out.
SHAWN: Gotta problem. Franco's still chummy with his Mom. He went back AGAIN today. Gonna have to get creative on this one.
ALEXIS: Julian, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about whether you have ever associated with Jerry? Aw Ned, I miss being your friend with benefits and you being the guy I date when I don't want to date someone else.
NED: Hey, Julian, get lost! Sorry about all the fisticuffs, Alexis, but you're kinda worth it. No, mother, I will NOT give my shares of ELQ to Jerry Jacks. Screw Luke!
TRACY: Ned, please, pretty please with a cherry on top, give me your ELQ shares. Luke will DIE if you don't. Michael Schmichael, it's a matter of life or death! Alice, please give me your shares even though I would only get you a new heart if you didn't blab to Michael about stealing ELQ right out from under him. It's for Mister Luke. Yay, Alice, you're awesome!
SKINNY ALICE: Gee, Monica, I'm sorry about Jason still being "dead". If only I knew and you knew that he isn't. Oh, alright Tracy if it will make you shut up I'll give you my ELQ shares to save Mister Luke, but only to save Mister Luke because I still kinda hate your guts.
LULU: Where is my dad? Has Tracy rescued him from Jerry yet? Yeah, Dante, you'd better make sure Heather's still locked up at Ferncliff, seeing that she almost killed my cousin and all. Cousin Carly! So are you excited about your big day? The Haunted Star is all ready--OOPS! That was supposed to be a surprise. Franco bait and switched you.
DANTE: So, Mom, what's eatin' ya? Don't worry, I'll make sure Heather's still behind lock and key. Oh, you're pining after Ned? So go tell him you're hot for him already!
CARLY: Wedding's tomorrow and I'm pretending to be so excited but I'm really kinda dreading it because I'm only marrying Franco to keep him quiet about Sonny killing AJ. Hi cousin Lulu. What do you mean the Haunted Star is ready? I'm marrying Franco at the MetroCourt because I do everything at the MetroCourt these days. Everything except sleep with Sonny. That I do at my place and at Michael's apartment.
Friday, October 24: Ghost In Da Crypt!
NINA: So, have you found AVA yet, Mommy? No? Then GET ON IT!!! Time's a wastin' Hi Franco, my fellow whackjob! So we're both cooking up some pretty wild schemes, aren't we now? You surprising Carly on her wedding day with a can of whoopass that may or may not include a live screening of a sex tape and me getting my mom to steal a slut's kid. Good times, bestie, good times! You know, mothers can be very useful if you threaten to impale them with antlers. You should try that sometime, Franco. Like, booyah! Who let the dogs out? Sorry, Franco. Can't come to the wedding. Got a baby to steal, but good luck with your blowing Carly's world apart. I'll be rooting for you. What's a matter, Mommy? Don't you like my new best friend? Are you jealous? So did you get Rosalie to tell you where Ava is? You DID? Sah-weet! Do tell, Mommy, DO TELL!!!
MADELINE: Will you be patient, Nina? I'm working on the whole Project Find Ava thing. Who's this loser? Why hello, Rosalie. So are you going to tell me where Ava is or am I going to have to tell everyone your DIRTY LITTLE SECRET? That's more like it. I'm back, Nina. If you can get rid of that no-good Franco, I'll tell you where Ava is.
JAKE: Don't tell me you think you recognize me too. Well, don't leave me hanging. Who the hell am I? Jason again? What is it about this dude that has women so obsessed with him. So you're saying this Franco guy was only psycho because of his brain tumor so you're marrying him but your mobster ex Sonny doesn't approve. Yeah, this town gets more interesting by the day.
CARLY: You aren't...nah, he's dead. He's been dead for two years. So, I'm about to marry this guy Franco. He was once a serial killer, then he had his brain tumor removed. Now he's just a misunderstood ex serial killer who does art therapy at the hospital. You're not going to like, blab this to anyone, are you? You look like a trustworthy guy who somewhat resembles my dead bestie, so I'm good.
LULU: It says it's my dad. Answer it, Tracy! Ok, I'll answer. Hi Daddy. Ugh, it's Jerry! Jerry, you psycho, where's my dad? Tracy, it's for you.
TRACY: Listen, Jerry, I've got my shares and Alice's. Do we have a deal. Who is this Russian chick you sent? Ok, I'll give my shares to Blonde Russian if you give me my hubby back. Ok, Jerry, where's Luke?
NED: Like hell you're getting ELQ, Jerry! You stay away from Brook Lynn or I'll find Heather Webber and get her to inject you with LSD and I'll have Sabrina Santiago give you some bad medicine. If you mess with my daughter, you'll be hallucinating that you are going into labor!
SONNY: Well, if it isn't Ghost Connie gracing the Quartermaine crypt! Judging by your legs, I thought for a minute you were Helena Cassadine. Did you do something with your hair? You see, I killed AJ because I thought he killed you and I hated his guts anyway. Now, I want to kill Ava because she REALLY DID kill you. No, I'm not going to kill the baby. I'm gonna bump Ava off AFTER she gives birth. Just gotta find her first. Hey, Michael. Nothing, just catching up with some dearly departed ghosts.
BRUNETTE GHOST CONNIE: Hello, Sonny! Well, since we are in a crypt, whaddaya say we go at it for old time's sake. Ha ha! Just kidding! Look, I know you're feeling guilty about the AJ thing, but don't go killing your unborn child or grandchild because of it.
MICHAEL: So, Rosalie, seen Ava lately? No? Ok, catch you later, unless you want me to keep you company while this slightly intimidating blonde lady grills you.
ROSALIE: Hi Michael. About Ava, if you find her, what are you going to do? Nah, I can handle this woman. I worked for NINA for crying out loud! Hi Nina's mom. By any chance, are you as nutty as your daughter? Sorry I asked. Alright, alright, I'll tell you!
AVA: Enjoy being nursemaid to me while I'm still alive, Kiki. Once this baby sees the light of day, I'm history. What do you mean Michael's after me to. He's been talking to that wacky nurse Sabrina who thinks I killed her kid? Ok, so I sorta kinda mentioned her name when threatening Carlos but what was I supposed to say?
KIKI: Stop talking about your impending death! By the way, Michael's after you too. He thinks you killed AJ. Sabrina said Carrrrrrlos didn't do it so you're next on the list. Doorbell! Hide, Mom, hide!
The Very First Recap: All is Cray-Cray in The Chuckles (Friday Oct. 17, 2014)
It was a turn-the-cray-cray-dial-up-to-11 kind of day!
NINA: The list, mother, THE LIST!!! You were on the list, you got crossed off the list, now YOU'RE BACK ON AGAIN!!! I'm gonna kill you with this antler thing and--oh, wait, never mind, can you steal Ava's baby for me instead?
FRANCO: Hi Mom! Long time no see. I'm marrying Carly. But you were right, she is a lying slut. That's why you're gonna be front and center at our WEDDING!
HEATHER: Where's my real son Steven LARZZZZ! I have no use for sons who try to kill me. Mmmm, is that a BLT? I was RIGHT??? Hallelujah, I WAS RIGHT!!! Steven Who? Do I get to kill the lying wench before or after she walks down the aisle? I always liked you better anyway.
NATHAN: Where's Nina?
MADELINE: BEWARE THE NINA!
SILAS: BEWARE THE NINA!
AVA: Where the #&@#& are Kiki and Silas? My uterus is being shot out of a cannon here!!!
SABRINA: I'm a murderess! Toss me in the clink, Detective and throw away the key!
Line of the day has to go to Nina: Who are you calling? Ghostbusters?
Monday, Oct. 20: The Cray Goes On
Nutty Nina's back at it today and so are Crazy and Son of Crazy. Here goes:
NINA: Will you do it, Mommy? Will you steal Ava's baby for me? Pretty please with sugar on top? Daddy woulda done it. By the way, Daddy loved me 1,000 times more than he loved you. He NEVER said no to me. Screw ethics, Mom! How does a bundle of cold hard cash, as in MY MONEY which you have NONE OF, make you feel? Uh oh! Jay's here. Make him disappear, Mom.
MADELINE: No, Nina, I'm not going to steal a baby for you because all of the sudden, I grew a moral compass. I'm sorry, James. I had to chain the door to keep out THE NINA! No, she's not hiding behind a wall with a household object re-purposed as a weapon in her hand.
NATHAN: Where's Nina? I have to stop her from doing whatever supposedly violent things she's doing.
HEATHER: You want me at your wedding? Gee, New Favorite Son, I'd love to come, but, you know, a bunch of Navy SEALS have been commissioned to make sure I stay in this place in the afterlife. You can bust me out? That's so nice of you, you deliverer of BLTs but how? How are we going to team up to bring down--OLIVIA?? What's that evil shrew doing on your spycam? That LSD was supposed to kill her, not make her everybody's psychic friend. Now back to Carly. How are you planning on springing me so we can be mother and son partners in crime?
SHAWN: Oh oh here she comes! Heather at three o'clock. She ain't faking labor pains and getting away in anyone's car this time.
OLIVIA: Psychic visions? What psychic visions--OMG OMG OMG!!! It's HEATHER WEBBER WITH A KNIFE IN THE METROCOURT!
SONNY: Come on, Olivia. It looks like you're in need of some libations.
CARLY: I'm marrying Franco and nothing you can say will stop me.
BOBBIE: Guess what, Brad? Lucas has a top-secret M.D. degree. You've been working at a hospital and he's been a doctor all along.
LUCAS: MOTHER! You weren't supposed to say anything about my secret degree! It's a S-E-C-R-E-T, remember? I'm not gonna practice medicine and nothing you say will stop me from not practicing medicine.
SILAS: I've got just the thing for you, Ava. A shot that will stop your uterus from orbiting Neptune. Remember, needle good, pills bad.
AVA: Thanks, Silas. Even though you still kinda hate me it was nice of you to come over and stick the anti-labor needle in me.
SABRINA: Carrrrrrrrrlos didn't do it. I just know he didn't 'cuz you know AJ didn't kill Connie. Carrrrrrrlos is in the clink because Ava threatened to off me and my kid if he didn't but that doesn't mean she killed AJ. Or does it?
MICHAEL: If Carrrrrrrrlos didn't do it, then who did? Ava? This is gonna put a damper on sexy time with Kiki. Do I still have Rosalie's number?
Tuesday, Oct. 21: No Time for Drug Dealers
NINA: So you'll do it, Mommy? Say it out loud: Nina, I will help you steal Ava's baby. Yay, Mom! Even though you're doing it for the payola. Beggars can't be choosers. Okay, now pinterest had a how-to on finger-knitting hair. Let me practice. No, Mom, I don't know exactly where Ava is, but Rosalie does. You know, short, dark hair, mildly attractive but could use some time at the gym if she really wants to seduce Michael away from Kiki. But she ain't telling. I may just have to tell her dirty little secret.
MADELINE: Deets, please! Hey, Rosalie, it's Nina's Mama. How about we have a little tete a tete--James! No, I don't know where Nina is. She is not six feet away from me mouthing your name.
SHAWN: Looks like Heather & Franco might be BFFs. Gonna be hard to frame her for his murder that way.
SONNY: But the log at Ferncliff just says that he visited. It didn't say they got all chummy about taking down Carly on her wedding day. For all we know, he could have threatened her with Death By BLT.
CARLY: Let's go somewhere else, Franco. Somewhere you won't go antagonizing Sonny.
FRANCO: How cute. You're all afraid of Sonny now. Guess what, I talked to Michael about Sonny & AJ.
MICHAEL: Kiki, we need to talk. I think your mom offed my dad because this Sabrina person I've only known for five seconds says her Carrrrrrrrlos didn't do it. Hey, commish. I think I know who killed AJ.
KIKI: Pfft! Since when are you and Sabrina BFFs? Carrrrrrlos confessed so Carrrrrrrlos did it. End of Story. It's not like Mom was covering for you other dad, Sonny.
TJ: Weee Sill Voose Plate. Damn! French is so hard. Mom, can't you see I'm studying? I have no time to talk to drug dealers. I have a midterm tomorrow
JORDAN: I know I've hurt you, Thomas, but I just can't tell you yet that I'm not a drug dealer. But I will say I didn't know my fellow dealers were adding a little something-something to the coke.
AVA: I'm feeling so much better now that my uterus has returned to its rightful position in my abdomen. I could paint a whole nursery right now. How's about bright cheerful green. Don't like that? Day-glo orange with purple accents? Let's go with a total '80s theme. By the way, Silas, I only hid Kiki from you because I didn't want you to be sent to the hoosegow with motive to ice Nina for 20 years.
SILAS: You need your rest, Ava. You know, I kinda sorta forgive you for that now that I know you were just depriving me of 20 years with my daughter to protect me. I'll be back in a few hours with another injection from The Needle of Non-Labor Goodness. Don't take any more Baby-Killer pills in the meantime.
NATHAN: Hey, aren't you Rosalie, my sister-cousin's nurse? Where IS Nina anyway? Please tell me she's not off doing violent things.
ROSALIE: Your guess is as good as mine. She gave me the axe and I'm totally ignoring her phone calls. OMG, now her MOM wants to talk to me.
Wednesday, Oct. 22: Return of Ze Boss
LIZ: Look, Jake, new non-ICU room, with a window and everything! You don't have to eat that NutriSlop. That's our crazy chief of staff Dr. Obrecht's idea. She wants to torture the patients before she releases them. Hey, don't try to walk! I know of someone who has a wheelchair she doesn't need anymore. Um, hello Frau Frankenstein! Who busted you out of lockup this time?
JAKE DOE: I heard TWO voices at the scene of The Car Accident That Changed My Face. TWO! That Ashford lady and someone else. Who was she? She sounded blonde...and pregnant. Oh, so this is German battleaxe who runs this place. Yeah, not digging the health slop. It looks like something that would be coming up from my stomach, not down into it.
OBRECHT: Ze boss eez back! Oh how I've missed your insolence, Nurse Webber. Remember the last time I fired you? Herr Doe, you must eat the NutriGruel. You want to call yourself Jake? What aah you, a mongrel dog? How about Cesaaah, now ZAT is a fine name. Commissioner Devane, did you miss me you schadenfreude gewurztraminer? I shot Victor to protect my son now why did you shoot my Cesaaah?
LULU: Eat your Baby NutriSlop, Rocco. It's yummy! So, Tracy, what's the latest on Dad. Is mobbed up to his eyeballs or was that just an ugly rumor? But where is Jerry keeping him?
TRACY: Ha! Luke has been innocent all along! Jerry Jacks kidnapped him and has been brainwashing him. If I hand him ELQ on a silver platter, he will give my husband back to me. I just have to bamboozle Michael into giving his shares to me after I conspired with Luke to bring him down. That'll be easy once my son Ned agrees to help me.
OLIVIA: Dante, sweetheart, will you go check to make sure Heather Webber is safely locked away at Ferncliff so I don't keep having these psychic visions of her wielding knives? Thanks, honey.
SONNY: (with his eyes) Dante, don't do it. (with his mouth) Hey, Rocco, Grampa Sonny has an offer you can't refuse.
NED: So, resorting to smearing "Ted Ashton" in your rag sheet now, Julian? All because you want your sleazy mobbed-up hands on Alexis? Go ahead. Make my day.
JULIAN: Get out of dodge, Ted, or your name will be Mud in The Chuckles. Alexis is mine for the taking and you don't wanna mess with a mobster who owns the fourth estate. Alexis, you will come back to me once I remove Ted from the equation.
ALEXIS: So, Sam, you're saying Jerry is holding Luke hostage and he's Julian's boss? This changes everything. No, it doesn't. He's still a lying scoundrel. Ned! Julian! Cool it with the fisticuffs!
SAM: So, Jerry has Luke and Tracy is eating out of his hand. Patrick, you make a great adventure buddy, but I'm really missing Jason.
PATRICK: That's okay. I sometimes miss Robin too, but then I remember that she would rather be anywhere else but with me and Emma. But, I have a new friend with benefits, so that sorta makes it better.
MICHAEL: Commish, who killed AJ? Sabrina said it wasn't Carlos. Kiki said it wasn't Ava but I kind of think it was Ava because Dad Sonny promised he wouldn't kill Dad AJ. You gotta help me here.
ANNA: Yeah, good luck with that. I don't have enough to go on beyond "she said she said". Well, if it isn't Leisl Obrecht, the woman I can't keep behind bars. What do you want this time you Teutonic sociopath?
MORGAN: Kiki, tell me you didn't tell Michael that Ava didn't kill AJ but you didn't tell her she did kill AJ either. By the way, your dad injected the Needle of Goodness into your mom again so I think the kid's gonna be okay.
KIKI: Of course not, I just stalled, then he called the cops. If he finds out Sonny did it, IT WILL DESTROY HIM!!!
Thursday, Oct. 23: The Nina Chair
LIZ: So, Jake, let me tell you the life story of my ex-lover Jason. He was a Q, got into an accident, lost his memory, then he wasn't a Q anymore. Sound familiar? How about a spin around the hospital in the Nina Chair? Come on, it'll be fun! Here's the art studio where Nina's BFF and fellow lunatic Franco finger paints and calls it therapy. Uh oh, looks like I actually have another patient. Whodathunkit? Catch ya later.
JAKE: So this Jason guy, does he remind you of me for some crazy reason? Oh, alright, I'll ride the Nina Chair but let me try to stand up first. Franco...I think I might sorta know this guy. Hey can you paint me something? Where have I seen this tall blonde chick before?
FRANCO: Can't wait for our wedding tomorrow, Carly. Love you. NOT! Ok, maybe I still love her a little. Nah, she doesn't love me. She loves Sonny. Sit tight, Mom, someone will be by to spring you soon.
HEATHER: Uh, hello Franco! Snarly Carly is a lying, cheating wench, remember? The wedding is supposed to be about REVENGE! What did Sonny do? Deets, PLEASE!!! So when am I getting outta here? Guess this black guy's here to spring me. Could do much worse...
SONNY: We've gotta off Franco, Shawn. If we don't he's gonna marry Carly and we can't have that. I'll take care of Dante and make sure he checks on Heather by calling the dude Franco paid to spring her, right before Shawn knocks him out.
SHAWN: Gotta problem. Franco's still chummy with his Mom. He went back AGAIN today. Gonna have to get creative on this one.
ALEXIS: Julian, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about whether you have ever associated with Jerry? Aw Ned, I miss being your friend with benefits and you being the guy I date when I don't want to date someone else.
NED: Hey, Julian, get lost! Sorry about all the fisticuffs, Alexis, but you're kinda worth it. No, mother, I will NOT give my shares of ELQ to Jerry Jacks. Screw Luke!
TRACY: Ned, please, pretty please with a cherry on top, give me your ELQ shares. Luke will DIE if you don't. Michael Schmichael, it's a matter of life or death! Alice, please give me your shares even though I would only get you a new heart if you didn't blab to Michael about stealing ELQ right out from under him. It's for Mister Luke. Yay, Alice, you're awesome!
SKINNY ALICE: Gee, Monica, I'm sorry about Jason still being "dead". If only I knew and you knew that he isn't. Oh, alright Tracy if it will make you shut up I'll give you my ELQ shares to save Mister Luke, but only to save Mister Luke because I still kinda hate your guts.
LULU: Where is my dad? Has Tracy rescued him from Jerry yet? Yeah, Dante, you'd better make sure Heather's still locked up at Ferncliff, seeing that she almost killed my cousin and all. Cousin Carly! So are you excited about your big day? The Haunted Star is all ready--OOPS! That was supposed to be a surprise. Franco bait and switched you.
DANTE: So, Mom, what's eatin' ya? Don't worry, I'll make sure Heather's still behind lock and key. Oh, you're pining after Ned? So go tell him you're hot for him already!
CARLY: Wedding's tomorrow and I'm pretending to be so excited but I'm really kinda dreading it because I'm only marrying Franco to keep him quiet about Sonny killing AJ. Hi cousin Lulu. What do you mean the Haunted Star is ready? I'm marrying Franco at the MetroCourt because I do everything at the MetroCourt these days. Everything except sleep with Sonny. That I do at my place and at Michael's apartment.
Friday, October 24: Ghost In Da Crypt!
NINA: So, have you found AVA yet, Mommy? No? Then GET ON IT!!! Time's a wastin' Hi Franco, my fellow whackjob! So we're both cooking up some pretty wild schemes, aren't we now? You surprising Carly on her wedding day with a can of whoopass that may or may not include a live screening of a sex tape and me getting my mom to steal a slut's kid. Good times, bestie, good times! You know, mothers can be very useful if you threaten to impale them with antlers. You should try that sometime, Franco. Like, booyah! Who let the dogs out? Sorry, Franco. Can't come to the wedding. Got a baby to steal, but good luck with your blowing Carly's world apart. I'll be rooting for you. What's a matter, Mommy? Don't you like my new best friend? Are you jealous? So did you get Rosalie to tell you where Ava is? You DID? Sah-weet! Do tell, Mommy, DO TELL!!!
MADELINE: Will you be patient, Nina? I'm working on the whole Project Find Ava thing. Who's this loser? Why hello, Rosalie. So are you going to tell me where Ava is or am I going to have to tell everyone your DIRTY LITTLE SECRET? That's more like it. I'm back, Nina. If you can get rid of that no-good Franco, I'll tell you where Ava is.
JAKE: Don't tell me you think you recognize me too. Well, don't leave me hanging. Who the hell am I? Jason again? What is it about this dude that has women so obsessed with him. So you're saying this Franco guy was only psycho because of his brain tumor so you're marrying him but your mobster ex Sonny doesn't approve. Yeah, this town gets more interesting by the day.
CARLY: You aren't...nah, he's dead. He's been dead for two years. So, I'm about to marry this guy Franco. He was once a serial killer, then he had his brain tumor removed. Now he's just a misunderstood ex serial killer who does art therapy at the hospital. You're not going to like, blab this to anyone, are you? You look like a trustworthy guy who somewhat resembles my dead bestie, so I'm good.
LULU: It says it's my dad. Answer it, Tracy! Ok, I'll answer. Hi Daddy. Ugh, it's Jerry! Jerry, you psycho, where's my dad? Tracy, it's for you.
TRACY: Listen, Jerry, I've got my shares and Alice's. Do we have a deal. Who is this Russian chick you sent? Ok, I'll give my shares to Blonde Russian if you give me my hubby back. Ok, Jerry, where's Luke?
NED: Like hell you're getting ELQ, Jerry! You stay away from Brook Lynn or I'll find Heather Webber and get her to inject you with LSD and I'll have Sabrina Santiago give you some bad medicine. If you mess with my daughter, you'll be hallucinating that you are going into labor!
SONNY: Well, if it isn't Ghost Connie gracing the Quartermaine crypt! Judging by your legs, I thought for a minute you were Helena Cassadine. Did you do something with your hair? You see, I killed AJ because I thought he killed you and I hated his guts anyway. Now, I want to kill Ava because she REALLY DID kill you. No, I'm not going to kill the baby. I'm gonna bump Ava off AFTER she gives birth. Just gotta find her first. Hey, Michael. Nothing, just catching up with some dearly departed ghosts.
BRUNETTE GHOST CONNIE: Hello, Sonny! Well, since we are in a crypt, whaddaya say we go at it for old time's sake. Ha ha! Just kidding! Look, I know you're feeling guilty about the AJ thing, but don't go killing your unborn child or grandchild because of it.
MICHAEL: So, Rosalie, seen Ava lately? No? Ok, catch you later, unless you want me to keep you company while this slightly intimidating blonde lady grills you.
ROSALIE: Hi Michael. About Ava, if you find her, what are you going to do? Nah, I can handle this woman. I worked for NINA for crying out loud! Hi Nina's mom. By any chance, are you as nutty as your daughter? Sorry I asked. Alright, alright, I'll tell you!
AVA: Enjoy being nursemaid to me while I'm still alive, Kiki. Once this baby sees the light of day, I'm history. What do you mean Michael's after me to. He's been talking to that wacky nurse Sabrina who thinks I killed her kid? Ok, so I sorta kinda mentioned her name when threatening Carlos but what was I supposed to say?
KIKI: Stop talking about your impending death! By the way, Michael's after you too. He thinks you killed AJ. Sabrina said Carrrrrrlos didn't do it so you're next on the list. Doorbell! Hide, Mom, hide!
LooneyTunes On The Run
Thanks to Dr. Obrecht tipping Franco off, the unholy alliance that is Franco & Nina are taking Baby Zyrtec and shipping out of The Chuckles. No, the month of November has not yet arrived there.
FRANCO: Yo ho yo ho a pirate's life for me! I'm shipping out of this here town as soon as my ship comes in. In the meantime, I'm gonna stand here and pontificate on the subjects of karma and collateral damage. I know not where my journey will take me, but I know a few fine folks in The Chuckles will miss me. Take Dr. Liesl Obrecht, for example. I have to drop by the hospital and say goodbye to the woman who gave me a chance to do some good in the world. Liesl, I will truly miss you, but I must be going. I have to take the Franco Experience elsewhere. Nina, what about Nina? She's at the Rendezvous Motel you say? Room 106? Now I really must be going. Thanks for the German lesson. Auf wiedersehn. Nina, you have to leave now. Your auntie Liesl is onto you and she even tipped off her mortal enemy, the police commish. Take the baby and come with me, because they're coming for you NOW! (on the DVD to Carly) Hey Carly. I decided not to blow you up or shoot you or anything, but one of these days I'll be back. Sleep on that and kiss that sweet little corn girl for me.
NINA: Sweet sleeping Baby Zyrtec. You look so peaceful, yes you do! Now let's make your grandma comfy while she's passed out. Here grandma! Here's a blanket for you and a pillow. About that blood stain...we can just tell Silas that Grandma had a little too much red wine. Now where is my dear husband Silas? Maybe...Maybe Grandma didn't call Silas AT ALL! Bad, Bad, Grandma! Mirror Mirror on the wall, Will Silas Come? Did my mother really call? Mirror mirror...(dream sequence) Silas! I knew you'd come. Are you alone? Here she is! Here is Baby Zyrtec! Oh, her. Baby Zyrtec's crazy grandma tried to plunge a Needle of Badness into her. I had to knock her out. I knew you would approve. Oh, Silas! (dream sequence ends) Silas? Where are you? Mommy? Did you call Silas like I asked you to? Let's take a look. No, you called Auntie Liesl! Bad Mommy! Mr. Lamp has some more punishment for you! Franco? Meet Baby Zyr--We have to leave NOW? But Silas isn't here yet! Silas needs to meet his daughter! They know? Who told them? Baby Zyrtec, we're going on a little field trip. Meet my friend Franco.
SILAS: (in Nina's dream sequence) Hello, Nina. I'm here. Is this our beautiful daughter? Zyrtec is a lovely name. Pharmaceuticals are underrated sources for baby names. It's okay, Nina. You did the right thing. Madeline had done enough to destroy our lives already. Let's start our life together with our new baby girl. (kisses Nina)
MORGAN: Where's my daughter or little sister? WHERE'S MY DAUGHTER OR LITTLE SISTER? Where did that deranged Nina woman take her? WE HAVE TO FIND HER, COMMISH! DON'T JUST STAND THERE! WE HAVE TO FIND HER RIGHT NOW! Kiki, what are we going to do? How can you be so calm? Mikey hates us and my little premature female baby relative is missing!
KIKI: Hey, Morgan, I'm freaking out too, but I'm freaking out more calmly. She's my little sister too. I know Michael hates us but I had to tell him. Too many people were keeping secrets from him. I can't believe my mom killed Connie Falconeri. But she's still my mom just like Sonny is still your dad.
MICHAEL: Hey, Rosalie. I've had the worst day of my life. I almost killed my disowned father. I disowned him because he killed my REAL father AJ Quartermaine. Sonny was all about keeping his word but he BROKE HIS PROMISE TO ME!!!! TO ME, HIS FAVORITE SON!!! And that's not all. My MOM knew and she kept it from me. So did my ex-girlfriend Kiki and my ex-brother Morgan. All--DISOWNED!!! You were the only one who was honest with me. You knew Morgan and Kiki were up to something and you tried to warn me but I wouldn't listen. What do you mean you weren't looking out for me? What does your crazy boss have to do with anything? Why didn't you sleep with me? Am I not your type? Secrets, they destroy EVERYTHING! (kisses Rosalie) Hey, let's get out of here. I kinda want to have sex with you now.
ROSALIE: What did you do to make your day so terrible, Michael? Did you kill someone? Wow, so everybody knew? Even Morgan and Kiki? I knew something was up with those two. They were always in cahoots with one another. Hey, I'm no angel. I wasn't telling you about Morgan and Kiki's secret-keeping to help you. I was doing it because my bonkers boss Nina wanted me to seduce you away from Kiki. Didn't you know I was coming onto you? Hey, you're a great guy Michael. You saved my life when that goon tried to kill both of us. Nina, that crazy wheelchair-faking boss had a S.E.C.R.E.T. about me. A SECRET that you're not supposed to tell A.N.Y.O.N.E. Shhhh! So she was going to, you know, destroy my life if I didn't follow her twisted orders. Man am I tipsy! That was some strong stuff! Whoa, what's that kiss about? Hey, I'll go with you. Take that, Nina the nut-face!
CARLY: Thanks, Dante, for saving my favoritest son from himself. He would have DESTROYED HIS LIFE if he had shot Sonny. It's all the STUPID NECKLACE'S FAULT! That thing was so ugly and I only wore it to prove to myself that I was into Franco. Or something like that. I DON'T KNOW! I know I'm going to have to answer for covering up what Sonny did but all I care about is the safety of Michael, oh and my other kids too. Morgan and, uh, Josslyn? Yeah, Josslyn Michael will cool down and he'll remember that he loves Sonny. Hmm, what's this. A DVD from Franco. What the hell. Dammit, Franco! You sick freak!
ANNA: Morgan, Kiki, we are doing all we can to find that baby. Here comes Heather, right on cue. By the way, Heather, Max Giambetti gave you up as his shooter. You're coming to a holding cell to hang out with Sonny and Duke. (at the Rendezvous Motel) Police! What the? Dammit, Obrecht!
OBRECHT: (listening to voicemails) Ven will ze board get off my back? Magda? Vat is zis about? Hello, Franco! Vat brings you here? You are leaving zis hospital? Vy? You do such good vork here. Perhaps you vould like to take a sabbatical? I got a very interesting message from my sister Magda. She vas looking for Dr Clay. It seems my unstable niece Nina has stolen a baby. I must call ze police, even if it means tipping off zat corrupt commissioner Anna. Hello? I have some information about Nina and ze baby. Zey are at ze Rendezvous Hotel, room 106. I am so sorry you have to leave, Franco. I vill miss you. There is an old German word for goodbye. Auf weidersehn. Until we meet again.
SONNY: Duke, what are you doing here? I'm so sorry I dragged you into this and destroyed your relationship with Anna. It's all my fault. You're a good man, Duke. You didn't deserve any of this. Hey Commish, you mind letting me out of here so I can find that daughter or granddaughter of mine? Seeing as you all are too busy busting me and Duke to find a premature baby.
DUKE: Word got out that I gave a false alibi for the night AJ was shot. I stood by my story. I wasn't going to throw you under the bus, Sonny. You gave me a job. You gave my life meaning. Anna hates me, but I wasn't going to turn you in.
HEATHER: (gagged) Erpen der der! (spits out gag) Open the door! Finally, some reason! See, there was no BOMB! Silly sane people! (at the police station) It's all BLT man's fault. He tricked me. I didn't do anything wrong! Oh, that Max guy.
DANTE: What are all of you doing here? How long have you been here? Do you all need to get checked out by EMTs? Where did Franco go? Well, you're all free to go. (at Carly's) Michael almost killed Sonny, but I talked him down. Morgan got in the middle of the two of them and told Michael that if he wanted to shoot Sonny, he'd have to shoot him too. Hey, take care of yourself, Carly.
JORDAN: Hey, Shawn, we can't leave until you tell me that you are not going to blab to TJ about our secret. Yes, I'm well aware we almost died tonight, but do we need to destroy TJ's relationship to us because of that? Oh, alright, we'll tell him.
SHAWN: We almost died tonight, Jordan. If we did, TJ would never know the truth. I think he deserves to know.
FRANCO: Yo ho yo ho a pirate's life for me! I'm shipping out of this here town as soon as my ship comes in. In the meantime, I'm gonna stand here and pontificate on the subjects of karma and collateral damage. I know not where my journey will take me, but I know a few fine folks in The Chuckles will miss me. Take Dr. Liesl Obrecht, for example. I have to drop by the hospital and say goodbye to the woman who gave me a chance to do some good in the world. Liesl, I will truly miss you, but I must be going. I have to take the Franco Experience elsewhere. Nina, what about Nina? She's at the Rendezvous Motel you say? Room 106? Now I really must be going. Thanks for the German lesson. Auf wiedersehn. Nina, you have to leave now. Your auntie Liesl is onto you and she even tipped off her mortal enemy, the police commish. Take the baby and come with me, because they're coming for you NOW! (on the DVD to Carly) Hey Carly. I decided not to blow you up or shoot you or anything, but one of these days I'll be back. Sleep on that and kiss that sweet little corn girl for me.
NINA: Sweet sleeping Baby Zyrtec. You look so peaceful, yes you do! Now let's make your grandma comfy while she's passed out. Here grandma! Here's a blanket for you and a pillow. About that blood stain...we can just tell Silas that Grandma had a little too much red wine. Now where is my dear husband Silas? Maybe...Maybe Grandma didn't call Silas AT ALL! Bad, Bad, Grandma! Mirror Mirror on the wall, Will Silas Come? Did my mother really call? Mirror mirror...(dream sequence) Silas! I knew you'd come. Are you alone? Here she is! Here is Baby Zyrtec! Oh, her. Baby Zyrtec's crazy grandma tried to plunge a Needle of Badness into her. I had to knock her out. I knew you would approve. Oh, Silas! (dream sequence ends) Silas? Where are you? Mommy? Did you call Silas like I asked you to? Let's take a look. No, you called Auntie Liesl! Bad Mommy! Mr. Lamp has some more punishment for you! Franco? Meet Baby Zyr--We have to leave NOW? But Silas isn't here yet! Silas needs to meet his daughter! They know? Who told them? Baby Zyrtec, we're going on a little field trip. Meet my friend Franco.
SILAS: (in Nina's dream sequence) Hello, Nina. I'm here. Is this our beautiful daughter? Zyrtec is a lovely name. Pharmaceuticals are underrated sources for baby names. It's okay, Nina. You did the right thing. Madeline had done enough to destroy our lives already. Let's start our life together with our new baby girl. (kisses Nina)
MORGAN: Where's my daughter or little sister? WHERE'S MY DAUGHTER OR LITTLE SISTER? Where did that deranged Nina woman take her? WE HAVE TO FIND HER, COMMISH! DON'T JUST STAND THERE! WE HAVE TO FIND HER RIGHT NOW! Kiki, what are we going to do? How can you be so calm? Mikey hates us and my little premature female baby relative is missing!
KIKI: Hey, Morgan, I'm freaking out too, but I'm freaking out more calmly. She's my little sister too. I know Michael hates us but I had to tell him. Too many people were keeping secrets from him. I can't believe my mom killed Connie Falconeri. But she's still my mom just like Sonny is still your dad.
MICHAEL: Hey, Rosalie. I've had the worst day of my life. I almost killed my disowned father. I disowned him because he killed my REAL father AJ Quartermaine. Sonny was all about keeping his word but he BROKE HIS PROMISE TO ME!!!! TO ME, HIS FAVORITE SON!!! And that's not all. My MOM knew and she kept it from me. So did my ex-girlfriend Kiki and my ex-brother Morgan. All--DISOWNED!!! You were the only one who was honest with me. You knew Morgan and Kiki were up to something and you tried to warn me but I wouldn't listen. What do you mean you weren't looking out for me? What does your crazy boss have to do with anything? Why didn't you sleep with me? Am I not your type? Secrets, they destroy EVERYTHING! (kisses Rosalie) Hey, let's get out of here. I kinda want to have sex with you now.
ROSALIE: What did you do to make your day so terrible, Michael? Did you kill someone? Wow, so everybody knew? Even Morgan and Kiki? I knew something was up with those two. They were always in cahoots with one another. Hey, I'm no angel. I wasn't telling you about Morgan and Kiki's secret-keeping to help you. I was doing it because my bonkers boss Nina wanted me to seduce you away from Kiki. Didn't you know I was coming onto you? Hey, you're a great guy Michael. You saved my life when that goon tried to kill both of us. Nina, that crazy wheelchair-faking boss had a S.E.C.R.E.T. about me. A SECRET that you're not supposed to tell A.N.Y.O.N.E. Shhhh! So she was going to, you know, destroy my life if I didn't follow her twisted orders. Man am I tipsy! That was some strong stuff! Whoa, what's that kiss about? Hey, I'll go with you. Take that, Nina the nut-face!
CARLY: Thanks, Dante, for saving my favoritest son from himself. He would have DESTROYED HIS LIFE if he had shot Sonny. It's all the STUPID NECKLACE'S FAULT! That thing was so ugly and I only wore it to prove to myself that I was into Franco. Or something like that. I DON'T KNOW! I know I'm going to have to answer for covering up what Sonny did but all I care about is the safety of Michael, oh and my other kids too. Morgan and, uh, Josslyn? Yeah, Josslyn Michael will cool down and he'll remember that he loves Sonny. Hmm, what's this. A DVD from Franco. What the hell. Dammit, Franco! You sick freak!
ANNA: Morgan, Kiki, we are doing all we can to find that baby. Here comes Heather, right on cue. By the way, Heather, Max Giambetti gave you up as his shooter. You're coming to a holding cell to hang out with Sonny and Duke. (at the Rendezvous Motel) Police! What the? Dammit, Obrecht!
OBRECHT: (listening to voicemails) Ven will ze board get off my back? Magda? Vat is zis about? Hello, Franco! Vat brings you here? You are leaving zis hospital? Vy? You do such good vork here. Perhaps you vould like to take a sabbatical? I got a very interesting message from my sister Magda. She vas looking for Dr Clay. It seems my unstable niece Nina has stolen a baby. I must call ze police, even if it means tipping off zat corrupt commissioner Anna. Hello? I have some information about Nina and ze baby. Zey are at ze Rendezvous Hotel, room 106. I am so sorry you have to leave, Franco. I vill miss you. There is an old German word for goodbye. Auf weidersehn. Until we meet again.
SONNY: Duke, what are you doing here? I'm so sorry I dragged you into this and destroyed your relationship with Anna. It's all my fault. You're a good man, Duke. You didn't deserve any of this. Hey Commish, you mind letting me out of here so I can find that daughter or granddaughter of mine? Seeing as you all are too busy busting me and Duke to find a premature baby.
DUKE: Word got out that I gave a false alibi for the night AJ was shot. I stood by my story. I wasn't going to throw you under the bus, Sonny. You gave me a job. You gave my life meaning. Anna hates me, but I wasn't going to turn you in.
HEATHER: (gagged) Erpen der der! (spits out gag) Open the door! Finally, some reason! See, there was no BOMB! Silly sane people! (at the police station) It's all BLT man's fault. He tricked me. I didn't do anything wrong! Oh, that Max guy.
DANTE: What are all of you doing here? How long have you been here? Do you all need to get checked out by EMTs? Where did Franco go? Well, you're all free to go. (at Carly's) Michael almost killed Sonny, but I talked him down. Morgan got in the middle of the two of them and told Michael that if he wanted to shoot Sonny, he'd have to shoot him too. Hey, take care of yourself, Carly.
JORDAN: Hey, Shawn, we can't leave until you tell me that you are not going to blab to TJ about our secret. Yes, I'm well aware we almost died tonight, but do we need to destroy TJ's relationship to us because of that? Oh, alright, we'll tell him.
SHAWN: We almost died tonight, Jordan. If we did, TJ would never know the truth. I think he deserves to know.
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