I'm back after a long time away to spoof today's show because it featured some of the batshit craziness that I miss from back when Ron Carlivati was the head writer. Here goes...
METROCOURT:
DIANE: Do I know you? I feel like I've seen you somewhere in the Soapyverse.
NORA: I've been around. Hey, aren't you the bigshot lawyer in this town?
DIANE: I am THE lawyer in this town. My gal pal Alexis fell in love with ANOTHER mobster and he made her do stuff that the bar frowned upon, so that leaves me. Speaking of mobsters, I got a huge custody case handed to be by the mob kingpin of Port Chuckles and I'm facing this badass attorney Nora Buchanan from a place called Llanview.
NORA: Yeah, I hear she's the cat's pajamas.
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Hey, sweetlips, your kid got freaky when I talked to him about Sam and his new baby sister. He's all like "Helena put a ginormous curse on Sam". Better keep your eye on that one.
LIZ: Aw, Jakey has such an imagination! He could be the next Franco.
FRANCO: If your 9-year-old is freaking ME out, I'd think you'd be a little more concerned.
LIZ: Jakey just wants to be a regular kid who happens to have memories of life on a creepy island with a maniacal octogenarian. By the way, I haven't seen you mopping up any medical waste yet. Aren't you supposed to be the janitor?
FRANCO: Didn't get the gig. I was totally bummed until I got this swell job as a parking attendant.
CRIMSON
VALENTIN: Nina, you broke curfew. Consider yourself grounded. No phone for 2 weeks!
NINA: So you noticed? I thought you were busy bringing flowers to Anna Devane in the hospital.
VALENTIN: So I gave her a "Sorry You Passed Out After Breaking Into My House" bouquet, but that's as far as it went. But back to your transgression: Charlotte cried herself to sleep since you weren't there to tuck her in and tell her haute couture bedtime stories.
NINA: Awww, poor Charlotte!
VALENTIN: What about "Awwww, poor Valentin"? We need to be thick as thieves for our custody hearing. No Anna accusations in the courtroom, you hear?
NINA: Fine, then I'm not going!
VALENTIN: FINE!
ANNA'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DANTE: Do I have to handcuff you to this hospital bed, Anna?
ANNA: Controlling much? This is MY rare blood cancer, not yours. Seeing what Tracy had to deal with last year with those brain worms, I guess I got off rather easy.
GRIFFIN: Anna, why so vertical? You should be resting in this here bed.
ANNA: Crazy Olivia Jerome is on the lam! I need to pull up my big girl spy panties and lure her out of hiding.
SUB-BASEMENT OF GH
ROBIN: Do I have a "Kidnap Me" sign on my back? WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!?!?
OLIVIA J: Oh, little Robin, this will be like old times! We're going on a little field trip down under.
ROBIN: What do you need in Australia?
OLIVIA J: Down under this hospital you silly goose you! We're going to the secret resurrection lab where my idol HELENA CASSADINE revived her beloved son Stavros!
ROBIN: Seriously??? Her again????
OLIVIA J: Helena and I go WAY back. In our previous lives, I was a flighty, two-timing chick from DC who was cheating on her disabled son with a rich playboy. She was much nicer then even if she sometimes didn't like me that much.*
METROCOURT
LAURA: Thanks, Diane, for repping my daughter. I'm fully aware she has a 7-year-old with a restraining order against her, but she's really a nice lady.
DIANE: It's no problem, Laura. When Sonny asks me to jump, the first thing I do is ask how high.
VALENTIN: Hello Ms. Buchanan. I really appreciate you hopping soap towns to represent me and Nina.
NORA: It's no problem, Mr. Cassadine. It's not like anything was going on in Llanview these days. It's been a sad ghost town since 2012. There was a brief attempt at a new-age revival, but it wasn't to be. By the way, where is this Nina?
VALENTIN: She bailed.
LULU: (to herself) YYYYYESSSSSS!
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Do you get a weird feeling that there's a dude in the trunk of this car all gagged and freezing his ass off?
LIZ: Could be. Let's check.
SUB-BASEMENT OF GH
OLIVIA J: Go toward the light! The glowing green light! Helena calling!
ROBIN: Oh brother.
OLIVIA J: See these fancy schmancy machines, Robin? They defrosted Stavros like a microwave warms up a Lean Cuisine. Can you help me defrost Duke?
ROBIN: Let me explain how cryogenics works. You need a not-quite-dead body. Duke has been reabsorbed into the Scottish soil.
OLIVIA J: But...but...I have a secret vial with a lock of his hair. Surely you can re-construct him from his DNA.
ROBIN: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! No. And don't call me Shirley. (knocks over Olivia's vial)
OLIVIA J: YOU BROKE HIM!!!!! YOU BROKE MY DUKEY!!!!! BAD, BAD GIRL!!!
ROBIN: This is what I get for coming back to the Chuckles...
CRIMSON:
NINA: (over phone with Charlotte) I miss you, Charlotte. I'm so sorry I had to do some adulting last night and work late. Total bummer. Yeah, I'll totes sing your song about stars.
HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE
FRANCO: Look, I found a Julian! Did I call it or what?
LIZ: Yeah, I think he might need some medical attention.
JULIAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
GRIFFIN: He's gonna live...unfortunately.
ANNA: I swear he's like a Cassadine. He NEVER DIES!
ELEVATOR
OLIVIA J: Remember me?
GRIFFIN: How could I forget those Crazy Eyes?
JULIAN'S HOSPITAL ROOM
ANNA: Who did this to you, Julian? Was it Olivia?
JULIAN: I'm feeling sleepy.
ANNA: DAMMIT, JULIAN, ANSWER ME!!!!
* Back in the 80s, Tonja Walker (Olivia) and Constance Towers (Helena) both starred on Capitol and Tonja's character Lizbeth was dating Connie's character Clarissa's son Thomas while fooling around with Jordy Clegg on the side.
Monday, March 6, 2017
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Nurses' Ball 2016 Day 2: Game of Throne
It may not have been on stage (because that would have been REALLY tacky!) but the ol' commode made an appearance Day 2 of the Nurses' Ball all the same...
BALLROOM
NED: Don't I look like Elton?
EMMA: Don't I look very cute?
NED: Don't fall off the piano!
EMMA: I love to sparkle and shine!
NED: I'm still around. Don't forget I'm in town. E-ven though NOBODY KNOWS IT!
EMMA: When were you la-st on?
NED: I think it was when my mom had brain worms.
NED: I'm a Quartermaine!
EMMA: And I'm a Scorpio-Drake!
NED & EMMA: Get your checkbooks out now!
LUCY: What they said! Isn't Emma the CUTEST THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN?
FELIX: Hey Brad, your other half is missing. Where's Lucas?
BRAD: Don't sweat it. He's off doing Lucas things.
BACKSTAGE
EPIPHANY: What the HAYULL is goin' on in there? (opens bathroom door)
DR. OBRECHT: ERNTER MER NER! ER NERD TER PERFERM MER NERMBER. ZER SERND ERF MERSERK!
EPIPHANY: Hmmm, do I really want to take the gag outta this woman's mouth?
DR. OBRECHT: DERNT JERST STERND ZERE! GERT ZERS GERG ERTA MER MERF! EPIPHANY: (reluctantly removes gag) Don't make me regret this.
DR. OBRECHT: Now get me off zis verflucht toilet and find my handpuppets AT ONCE!
EPIPHANY: Do you mean to say the queen wants to be dethroned? As for the puppets, do you remember one Mr. Marbles?
BALLROOM
HAYCHEL: So, Commish, about that time I was shot...
JORDAN: Really? You're going to make me WORK at the friggin' NURSES' BALL? Get lost!
FELIX: Hey Brad, your other half is missing. Where's Lucas?
BRAD: Don't sweat it. He's off doing Lucas things.
BACKSTAGE
LUCAS: OMG, Mom? Isn't the floor kind of a rough place to take a nap?
BOBBIE: Lucas? Where are we? Why am I dressed as a nurse? OMG, this is the Nurses' Ball! Why is backstage spinning like the mirror ball at the Campus Disco?
LUCAS: Yeah, we better get you to the hospital and trade that nurse's getup for a gown and slippery socks.
BOBBIE: Remember how you're supposed to get married in 5 minutes?
CARLY: Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the cheapest slut of all.
AVA: Cute, Carly, real cute. Too bad your nursery rhymes will be lost on Avery because tomorrow morning, she's MINE!
CARLY: I don't think so. Watch it and weep, Jerome!
VIDEO CLIP
AVA: Smack me good, Paul, smack me REAL GOOD!
PAUL: 50 Shades of Sexy Paintings, baby! You know artwork has eyes.
AVA: Don't I know it! Artwork tells no lies. It lays it all out for everyone to see!
PAUL: What exactly do you mean by that, sugarlips?
BACKSTAGE
AVA: You know I recorded that on purpose, didn't you? You never know when you're gonna need a sex tape to spice things up.
CARLY: Wait until Kiki sees it. Wait 'till it goes VIRAL!
BALLROOM
LUCY: As if one cute kiddo on stage at the Nurses' Ball weren't enough, here is Jake Webber! JAKE: Need. Franco. NOW!
LIZ: You can do it, Jakey!
FRANCO: Quackity quack, don't talk back!
JAKE: Quack quack baby!
FRANCO: You quack me up!
JAKE: Life is like a hurricane, here in Duckburg!
FRANCO: Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes, it's a duck blur!
JAKE: Might solve a mystery
FRANCO: Or rewrite history!
JAKE & FRANCO: Ducktales! Woo-oo!
BACKSTAGE
JAKE: Franco, you were the AWESOMEST OF AWESOME!
FRANCO: And you were AWESOMER than the AWESOMEST OF AWESOME!
LIZ: Go Jakey! Go Jakey! Go go go Jakey!
JAKE: Dad, wasn't Franco hilarious?
JASON: That's one way of putting it, son.
HOSPITAL
LUCAS: I need some help here. The opening number took a lot outta my mom and she passed out.
DR. FINN: I can check her for brain worms. They're my specialty. That and bearded dragons.
DR. OBRECHT: Be afraid, Bobbie Spencer. Be verrrry afraid of Doctah Finish Zem Off.
OUTSIDE BALLROOM
PAUL: We have a problem, young lady.
AVA: Oh really? Whatever do you mean, Mister District Attorney?
PAUL: I'll put his to you simply: You're Carly's bitch, Miss Jerome.
BALLROOM
LUCY: Are 'yall ready for this? It's Magic Milo time!!!
MAGIC MILO: Lucas has been replaced by a priest. This should be fun.
GRIFFIN: Money for AIDS research, Griffin. Money for AIDS research.
CURTIS: Nobody tells Curtis Ashford to shut up. NO-BO-DY!
FELIX: Man that new priest is lookin' hotter than Hades!
DILLON: Last year I was all about a Lulu. Now I'm into a Kiki. How does this keep happening?
WOMENFOLK AND BRAD: WOOT WOOT! SEXY SEXY!
HOSPITAL
DR. FINN: Good news, Nurse Spencer. You don't have brain worms. Bad news: Your head is spinning 'round and 'round like a record. You remember those, right? Records ? Anyway, you might need an exorcist. I'll see if I can scare one up.
LUCAS: This dude's a little nuts, but he knows what he's doing, Mom. He extracted thousands of worms from Tracy Quartermaine's brain. Looks like I'm gonna have to put the ol' kibosh on the Nurses' Ball nuptials.
BOBBIE: You will do NO SUCH THING, LUCAS JONES! Marry Brad already, before he finds another secret wife!
BACKSTAGE
AVA: Gimme your phone, CAR-LY! NOW!
CARLY: You never know when you might need a sex tape to spice things up. How do you like your little packet of sriracha now, A-VA? By the way, I still have the flash drive.
AVA: WHADDAYAWANT FROM ME?
CARLY: Hello? She's a year and a half old and calls my hubby DADDY!
AVA: And she calls ME mommy!
CARLY: Want the flash drive? You're gonna have to fight me for it and with my catfighting track record...good luck with that.
AVA: (grabs flash drive from Carly while she's gloating and flushes it down the toilet) Let it go! Let it go! Put it in and flush it down! I don't care what you're going to say.
CARLY: It is on the cloud! Diaper changing never bothered me anyway.
OUTSIDE THE BALLROOM
DIANE: Sorry to have to do this to you during THE social event of the year, but you're being served.
JASON: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT??? Sorry to have to say this, Sam, but your cousin's a rat bastard.
NIKOLAS: I said BEHAVE YOURSELF or I'll send you to time out. What part of "Don't kibitz with the cops" do you not understand?
CURTIS: Sexy Bodyguard to the rescue. Hands off the Haychel, Princey-Prince!
BALLROOM
LUCY: Surprise! Brad Cooper and Lucas Jones are getting HITCHED right here at the 2016 Nurses' Ball. Should I start humming "Here Come The Grooms" yet?
BRAD: I'm here. That makes one of us.
HOSPITAL
UNCONSCIOUS LUCAS: Told you I shouldn't have seen Brad before the ceremony. The superstition is real, people. It's real!
BALLROOM
NED: Don't I look like Elton?
EMMA: Don't I look very cute?
NED: Don't fall off the piano!
EMMA: I love to sparkle and shine!
NED: I'm still around. Don't forget I'm in town. E-ven though NOBODY KNOWS IT!
EMMA: When were you la-st on?
NED: I think it was when my mom had brain worms.
NED: I'm a Quartermaine!
EMMA: And I'm a Scorpio-Drake!
NED & EMMA: Get your checkbooks out now!
LUCY: What they said! Isn't Emma the CUTEST THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN?
FELIX: Hey Brad, your other half is missing. Where's Lucas?
BRAD: Don't sweat it. He's off doing Lucas things.
BACKSTAGE
EPIPHANY: What the HAYULL is goin' on in there? (opens bathroom door)
DR. OBRECHT: ERNTER MER NER! ER NERD TER PERFERM MER NERMBER. ZER SERND ERF MERSERK!
EPIPHANY: Hmmm, do I really want to take the gag outta this woman's mouth?
DR. OBRECHT: DERNT JERST STERND ZERE! GERT ZERS GERG ERTA MER MERF! EPIPHANY: (reluctantly removes gag) Don't make me regret this.
DR. OBRECHT: Now get me off zis verflucht toilet and find my handpuppets AT ONCE!
EPIPHANY: Do you mean to say the queen wants to be dethroned? As for the puppets, do you remember one Mr. Marbles?
BALLROOM
HAYCHEL: So, Commish, about that time I was shot...
JORDAN: Really? You're going to make me WORK at the friggin' NURSES' BALL? Get lost!
FELIX: Hey Brad, your other half is missing. Where's Lucas?
BRAD: Don't sweat it. He's off doing Lucas things.
BACKSTAGE
LUCAS: OMG, Mom? Isn't the floor kind of a rough place to take a nap?
BOBBIE: Lucas? Where are we? Why am I dressed as a nurse? OMG, this is the Nurses' Ball! Why is backstage spinning like the mirror ball at the Campus Disco?
LUCAS: Yeah, we better get you to the hospital and trade that nurse's getup for a gown and slippery socks.
BOBBIE: Remember how you're supposed to get married in 5 minutes?
CARLY: Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the cheapest slut of all.
AVA: Cute, Carly, real cute. Too bad your nursery rhymes will be lost on Avery because tomorrow morning, she's MINE!
CARLY: I don't think so. Watch it and weep, Jerome!
VIDEO CLIP
AVA: Smack me good, Paul, smack me REAL GOOD!
PAUL: 50 Shades of Sexy Paintings, baby! You know artwork has eyes.
AVA: Don't I know it! Artwork tells no lies. It lays it all out for everyone to see!
PAUL: What exactly do you mean by that, sugarlips?
BACKSTAGE
AVA: You know I recorded that on purpose, didn't you? You never know when you're gonna need a sex tape to spice things up.
CARLY: Wait until Kiki sees it. Wait 'till it goes VIRAL!
BALLROOM
LUCY: As if one cute kiddo on stage at the Nurses' Ball weren't enough, here is Jake Webber! JAKE: Need. Franco. NOW!
LIZ: You can do it, Jakey!
FRANCO: Quackity quack, don't talk back!
JAKE: Quack quack baby!
FRANCO: You quack me up!
JAKE: Life is like a hurricane, here in Duckburg!
FRANCO: Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes, it's a duck blur!
JAKE: Might solve a mystery
FRANCO: Or rewrite history!
JAKE & FRANCO: Ducktales! Woo-oo!
BACKSTAGE
JAKE: Franco, you were the AWESOMEST OF AWESOME!
FRANCO: And you were AWESOMER than the AWESOMEST OF AWESOME!
LIZ: Go Jakey! Go Jakey! Go go go Jakey!
JAKE: Dad, wasn't Franco hilarious?
JASON: That's one way of putting it, son.
HOSPITAL
LUCAS: I need some help here. The opening number took a lot outta my mom and she passed out.
DR. FINN: I can check her for brain worms. They're my specialty. That and bearded dragons.
DR. OBRECHT: Be afraid, Bobbie Spencer. Be verrrry afraid of Doctah Finish Zem Off.
OUTSIDE BALLROOM
PAUL: We have a problem, young lady.
AVA: Oh really? Whatever do you mean, Mister District Attorney?
PAUL: I'll put his to you simply: You're Carly's bitch, Miss Jerome.
BALLROOM
LUCY: Are 'yall ready for this? It's Magic Milo time!!!
MAGIC MILO: Lucas has been replaced by a priest. This should be fun.
GRIFFIN: Money for AIDS research, Griffin. Money for AIDS research.
CURTIS: Nobody tells Curtis Ashford to shut up. NO-BO-DY!
FELIX: Man that new priest is lookin' hotter than Hades!
DILLON: Last year I was all about a Lulu. Now I'm into a Kiki. How does this keep happening?
WOMENFOLK AND BRAD: WOOT WOOT! SEXY SEXY!
HOSPITAL
DR. FINN: Good news, Nurse Spencer. You don't have brain worms. Bad news: Your head is spinning 'round and 'round like a record. You remember those, right? Records ? Anyway, you might need an exorcist. I'll see if I can scare one up.
LUCAS: This dude's a little nuts, but he knows what he's doing, Mom. He extracted thousands of worms from Tracy Quartermaine's brain. Looks like I'm gonna have to put the ol' kibosh on the Nurses' Ball nuptials.
BOBBIE: You will do NO SUCH THING, LUCAS JONES! Marry Brad already, before he finds another secret wife!
BACKSTAGE
AVA: Gimme your phone, CAR-LY! NOW!
CARLY: You never know when you might need a sex tape to spice things up. How do you like your little packet of sriracha now, A-VA? By the way, I still have the flash drive.
AVA: WHADDAYAWANT FROM ME?
CARLY: Hello? She's a year and a half old and calls my hubby DADDY!
AVA: And she calls ME mommy!
CARLY: Want the flash drive? You're gonna have to fight me for it and with my catfighting track record...good luck with that.
AVA: (grabs flash drive from Carly while she's gloating and flushes it down the toilet) Let it go! Let it go! Put it in and flush it down! I don't care what you're going to say.
CARLY: It is on the cloud! Diaper changing never bothered me anyway.
OUTSIDE THE BALLROOM
DIANE: Sorry to have to do this to you during THE social event of the year, but you're being served.
JASON: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT??? Sorry to have to say this, Sam, but your cousin's a rat bastard.
NIKOLAS: I said BEHAVE YOURSELF or I'll send you to time out. What part of "Don't kibitz with the cops" do you not understand?
CURTIS: Sexy Bodyguard to the rescue. Hands off the Haychel, Princey-Prince!
BALLROOM
LUCY: Surprise! Brad Cooper and Lucas Jones are getting HITCHED right here at the 2016 Nurses' Ball. Should I start humming "Here Come The Grooms" yet?
BRAD: I'm here. That makes one of us.
HOSPITAL
UNCONSCIOUS LUCAS: Told you I shouldn't have seen Brad before the ceremony. The superstition is real, people. It's real!
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Nurses' Ball 2016 Day 1: Mic Drop
Because a little Nina with a microphone on the Nurses' Ball Red Carpet is a dangerous thing...
METROCOURT ROOM
EMMA: Is it time for us to pretend to watch the Nurses' Ball yet, Mommy?
ROBIN: Just about. Too bad Daddy is stuck in Genoa City pretending to be some guy named Billy. Oh well, I had to miss the Nurses' Ball last year because I was AGAIN being held captive by Cassdines, so I guess this year it's his turn.
RED CARPET
DONNIE SHELDON: Joining us on the Red Carpet this year, for some reason, is Editor-In-Chief of Crimson magazine, Nina Reeves.
NINA: Hi camera! It's me, Nina. I'm on the red carpet. Look, it's AH-na Devane, the ex-commish who's now a criminal! Tell me, AH-na, is orange the new black?
ANNA: It's ANNA, dammit. ANNA!!!
NINA: That went well.
BACKSTAGE
AMY: I'm SUPER psyched to be onstage this year. Like O to the MG, I'm going to be star of the show. Remember when The Britch showed up ON STAGE at the Nurses' Ball, PREGGERS??? And IT WASN'T EVEN HER BABY!! And LAST YEAR, Ric Lansing proposed to Elizabeth and CARLY outed him for hiring Hayden Barnes--I mean RACHEL BERLIN to be Jake Doe's--I mean JASON MORGAN'S fake wife!
LIZ: OMG, my ears are bleeding! Please make it stop and give that girl a muzz--kerPLUNK!
FRANCO: I'll save you, Elizabeth, because I'M YOUR HERO!
LIZ: You are?
METROCOURT
CARLY: I mean it, Obrecht! No opening number shenanigans this year or I'll have you forcibly removed from the stage.
DR. OBRECHT: How predictable do you sink I am, Mrs. Corinsos? Seizing control of ze opening number is, as you Americans say, SO last year.
CARLY: AND the year before.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
KIKI: What's the service hedgehog still doing here?
AVA: Hello! He's intercepting dead birds. Why else would I let him saw a log cabin on my couch every night?
SCOTT: Is that a way to treat your service lawyer hedgehog dead bird wrangling date for this shindig?
AVA: Considering last year at this time even I thought I was dead, attending the social event of the year with a snoring hedgehog is a step up.
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is Prince Nikolas Cassadine...
NINA: And RACHEL BERLIN! You know, daughter of the Raymond that EVERYBODY HATES! So, where's your SECRET STASH of Daddy's cash?
HAYCHEL: Go to hell.
NIKOLAS: Now that's not very Cassadine Royalty of you, Haychel. Smile and say you're sorry. I'll have you know, Donnie, that my wife has PLENTY of secret stashes. Of what, nobody knows!
BAR AT METROCOURT
ANDRE: They say "Physician heal thyself". I hope that applies to shrinks because, Jordan, I have a bad case of lovin' you.
JORDAN: As long as it's just me and not Anna too. Two's company, Andre. Three's a crowd.
ANDRE: But Three IS Company. Come and knock on our door. We've been waiting for you...
BACKSTAGE
LUCAS: Why is Brad here, Mom. That's bad luck. Now something bad WILL happen.
BRAD: What could happen? You accidentally marry Felix instead? By the way, please don't do that.
LUCAS: Do what?
BRAD: Marry Felix by mistake.
FELIX: I ain't NOBODY'S mistake. Chill out, boys! It's your wedding day. Be happy! Be gay!
LUCAS & BRAD: We'll pretend we didn't hear that.
HOSPITAL
MAXIE: Griffin, you need to release Nathan NOW because it's the Nurses' Ball and I can't fly solo on the red carpet.
GRIFFIN: Sorry, no can do. Head injury and all.
MAXIE: Fine, then YOU be my date.
GRIFFIN: I'm a priest. Priests don't date.
MAXIE: Fine, be my ESCORT.
GRIFFIN: That's even worse! (checks phone and sees text from Emma). On second thought, what the hey?
RED CARPET
NINA: Kiki Zherome, don't you look lovely tonight.
KIKI: Thanks. This is super awkward, sharing a date with my MOM!
NINA: By mom, she means Homewrecker Extraordinaire Ava Zherome who slept with MY LATE EX HUBBY SILAS.
AVA: Someone put a gag order on that woman! Prepare to hand Avery over, CARLY!
CARLY: We'll see about that. I'm about to take a little field trip.
NINA: Look, here's my AMAZEBALLS assistant Maxie Jones with a man who isn't my brother!
MAXIE: That's because your brother is still recovering from being hit in the head with a rock thrown by Carrrrrrrrlos and I'm standing with the man who's keeping him in the hospital to heal his wounds. Oh, and he's also a priest, so Nathan has no reason to be jelly.
BALLROOM
EMMA: Grandma Anna!
ANNA: Emma? Am I seeing things again? I'm I still in the freezer on the docks? Is Duke going to pop out of that curtain next? How come I'm not freezing my arse off?
EMMA: Grandma Anna, you said the British word for ---
ROBIN: O-kay, Emma, now can you tell me where this Griffin guy is? Hi Mom. Sorry I'm not Duke. I have been in some hallucinations lately, though. Just ask Jason.
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is former mob hitman who, rumor has it, is just now remembering ALL of his past and here's his ex-wife Sam. So, are you the happiest divorced couple EVER or what?
SAM: Have you seen my parents?
JASON: I remember the Nurses' Ball. It's all coming back to me now. Every single number. I'm starting to wonder if my brain can hold all this information I'm remembering.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
CARLY: It's time to play detective. Now if I were a flash drive with a murder confession on it, where would I hide? Sock drawer? Bra drawer? Cocktail shaker? BINGO! You're going DOWN, Ava Jerome. Carly C does it again! Crap, is that the door? No, I guess it isn't. Time to get back to the ball and bring Ava to her KNEES!
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is the woman who inspired the "Sorry Your House Exploded" t-shirts at the Sad Robe Store, Elizabeth Webber and on her arm is serial killer-turned art therapist, the one-named Franco! What an odd pairing these two.
NINA: I'll say.
LIZ: Holy CRAP I'm wearing the same dress as HAYCHEL!
MAXIE: You SO wore it better, but yeah, I'll find you something else.
NINA: Twinsies!
HAYCHEL: Could this infernal Nurses' Ball GET any worse?
NIKOLAS: You're going DOWN, Jason Morgan. NOBODY sics the IRS on a Cassadine. Do you KNOW who I share DNA with?
ROBIN: Oh NOES! Two of my best friends hate each other's guts. What am I gonna DO? Whose side am I on?
BALLROOM
EMMA: Griffin, you're WAY too cute to be a priest.
GRIFFIN: God doesn't think so. He called me and I answered. But that doesn't mean I can't play Cowboys and Neurosurgeons with you, kiddo.
BACKSTAGE
CARLY: Where's the murder confession? What the---OMG! This is even BETTER! Carly Corinthos's Nurses' Ball Whistleblowing Streak is about to claim another victim!
BALLROOM
LUCY: Let the 2016 Nurses' Ball BEGIN!
GH STAFF: NURSES! We not gonna do that same old song from '14 and '15, that'd just be wrong. We're bringin' on the new which means we're rappin' 'cuz the old song made everybody start nappin'. NURSES! We're name droppin' GH history 'cuz we got a motormouth newbie tryin' to create buzz.
AMY: Amy Driscoll's my name. Port Chuckles gossip's my game. I'm finally on stage because stage crew's just lame. The writers named me after Amy Vining. People say I'm obnoxious, but they're just whining.
EPIPHANY: I'm Nurse Johnson and Magic Milo's my man. I always got my wits when the sh(*% hits the fan. I don't take no crap from the Mad Teutonic. She really needs to work on her English phonics.
ANDRE: I'm the sexy shrink who makes women drool. Jordan is a cop who likes to play by the rules. Sometimes my heart feels divided and it drives me insane 'cuz I have myself a crush on Anna Devane.
FELIX: Felix DuBois knows a thing or two about how to turn Brad Cooper into a better dude. Now he's marrying Lucas and I'm his best man. Lucy Coe will do the honors like only she can.
BRAD: I'm Brad Cooper and I run the GH lab. Your blood gets sent to me after you get a jab. I used to be a sleazeball and I used to have a wife. I divorced Rosalie and I'm about to change my life.
BOBBIE: I'm Bobbie Spencer and I guess I'm still a nurse. I started feeling funny and now I feel worse. When this number is over and they say that's a wrap I'm gonna go backstage and have myself a nap!
EVERYONE: NURSES!
METROCOURT BROOM CLOSET
DR. OBRECHT (tied up and gagged) ERDERVERSS! ERDERVERSS! ERVER MERNERN ER GRERT YER! SMER ERN WHERT, CLERN ERN BRERT, YERL BER HERPER TER MERT MER!
BACKSTAGE
BOBBIE: I was so not kidding when I said I needed a nap. Now if only I could find a so--(collapses)
METROCOURT ROOM
EMMA: Is it time for us to pretend to watch the Nurses' Ball yet, Mommy?
ROBIN: Just about. Too bad Daddy is stuck in Genoa City pretending to be some guy named Billy. Oh well, I had to miss the Nurses' Ball last year because I was AGAIN being held captive by Cassdines, so I guess this year it's his turn.
RED CARPET
DONNIE SHELDON: Joining us on the Red Carpet this year, for some reason, is Editor-In-Chief of Crimson magazine, Nina Reeves.
NINA: Hi camera! It's me, Nina. I'm on the red carpet. Look, it's AH-na Devane, the ex-commish who's now a criminal! Tell me, AH-na, is orange the new black?
ANNA: It's ANNA, dammit. ANNA!!!
NINA: That went well.
BACKSTAGE
AMY: I'm SUPER psyched to be onstage this year. Like O to the MG, I'm going to be star of the show. Remember when The Britch showed up ON STAGE at the Nurses' Ball, PREGGERS??? And IT WASN'T EVEN HER BABY!! And LAST YEAR, Ric Lansing proposed to Elizabeth and CARLY outed him for hiring Hayden Barnes--I mean RACHEL BERLIN to be Jake Doe's--I mean JASON MORGAN'S fake wife!
LIZ: OMG, my ears are bleeding! Please make it stop and give that girl a muzz--kerPLUNK!
FRANCO: I'll save you, Elizabeth, because I'M YOUR HERO!
LIZ: You are?
METROCOURT
CARLY: I mean it, Obrecht! No opening number shenanigans this year or I'll have you forcibly removed from the stage.
DR. OBRECHT: How predictable do you sink I am, Mrs. Corinsos? Seizing control of ze opening number is, as you Americans say, SO last year.
CARLY: AND the year before.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
KIKI: What's the service hedgehog still doing here?
AVA: Hello! He's intercepting dead birds. Why else would I let him saw a log cabin on my couch every night?
SCOTT: Is that a way to treat your service lawyer hedgehog dead bird wrangling date for this shindig?
AVA: Considering last year at this time even I thought I was dead, attending the social event of the year with a snoring hedgehog is a step up.
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is Prince Nikolas Cassadine...
NINA: And RACHEL BERLIN! You know, daughter of the Raymond that EVERYBODY HATES! So, where's your SECRET STASH of Daddy's cash?
HAYCHEL: Go to hell.
NIKOLAS: Now that's not very Cassadine Royalty of you, Haychel. Smile and say you're sorry. I'll have you know, Donnie, that my wife has PLENTY of secret stashes. Of what, nobody knows!
BAR AT METROCOURT
ANDRE: They say "Physician heal thyself". I hope that applies to shrinks because, Jordan, I have a bad case of lovin' you.
JORDAN: As long as it's just me and not Anna too. Two's company, Andre. Three's a crowd.
ANDRE: But Three IS Company. Come and knock on our door. We've been waiting for you...
BACKSTAGE
LUCAS: Why is Brad here, Mom. That's bad luck. Now something bad WILL happen.
BRAD: What could happen? You accidentally marry Felix instead? By the way, please don't do that.
LUCAS: Do what?
BRAD: Marry Felix by mistake.
FELIX: I ain't NOBODY'S mistake. Chill out, boys! It's your wedding day. Be happy! Be gay!
LUCAS & BRAD: We'll pretend we didn't hear that.
HOSPITAL
MAXIE: Griffin, you need to release Nathan NOW because it's the Nurses' Ball and I can't fly solo on the red carpet.
GRIFFIN: Sorry, no can do. Head injury and all.
MAXIE: Fine, then YOU be my date.
GRIFFIN: I'm a priest. Priests don't date.
MAXIE: Fine, be my ESCORT.
GRIFFIN: That's even worse! (checks phone and sees text from Emma). On second thought, what the hey?
RED CARPET
NINA: Kiki Zherome, don't you look lovely tonight.
KIKI: Thanks. This is super awkward, sharing a date with my MOM!
NINA: By mom, she means Homewrecker Extraordinaire Ava Zherome who slept with MY LATE EX HUBBY SILAS.
AVA: Someone put a gag order on that woman! Prepare to hand Avery over, CARLY!
CARLY: We'll see about that. I'm about to take a little field trip.
NINA: Look, here's my AMAZEBALLS assistant Maxie Jones with a man who isn't my brother!
MAXIE: That's because your brother is still recovering from being hit in the head with a rock thrown by Carrrrrrrrlos and I'm standing with the man who's keeping him in the hospital to heal his wounds. Oh, and he's also a priest, so Nathan has no reason to be jelly.
BALLROOM
EMMA: Grandma Anna!
ANNA: Emma? Am I seeing things again? I'm I still in the freezer on the docks? Is Duke going to pop out of that curtain next? How come I'm not freezing my arse off?
EMMA: Grandma Anna, you said the British word for ---
ROBIN: O-kay, Emma, now can you tell me where this Griffin guy is? Hi Mom. Sorry I'm not Duke. I have been in some hallucinations lately, though. Just ask Jason.
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is former mob hitman who, rumor has it, is just now remembering ALL of his past and here's his ex-wife Sam. So, are you the happiest divorced couple EVER or what?
SAM: Have you seen my parents?
JASON: I remember the Nurses' Ball. It's all coming back to me now. Every single number. I'm starting to wonder if my brain can hold all this information I'm remembering.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
CARLY: It's time to play detective. Now if I were a flash drive with a murder confession on it, where would I hide? Sock drawer? Bra drawer? Cocktail shaker? BINGO! You're going DOWN, Ava Jerome. Carly C does it again! Crap, is that the door? No, I guess it isn't. Time to get back to the ball and bring Ava to her KNEES!
RED CARPET
DONNIE: Here is the woman who inspired the "Sorry Your House Exploded" t-shirts at the Sad Robe Store, Elizabeth Webber and on her arm is serial killer-turned art therapist, the one-named Franco! What an odd pairing these two.
NINA: I'll say.
LIZ: Holy CRAP I'm wearing the same dress as HAYCHEL!
MAXIE: You SO wore it better, but yeah, I'll find you something else.
NINA: Twinsies!
HAYCHEL: Could this infernal Nurses' Ball GET any worse?
NIKOLAS: You're going DOWN, Jason Morgan. NOBODY sics the IRS on a Cassadine. Do you KNOW who I share DNA with?
ROBIN: Oh NOES! Two of my best friends hate each other's guts. What am I gonna DO? Whose side am I on?
BALLROOM
EMMA: Griffin, you're WAY too cute to be a priest.
GRIFFIN: God doesn't think so. He called me and I answered. But that doesn't mean I can't play Cowboys and Neurosurgeons with you, kiddo.
BACKSTAGE
CARLY: Where's the murder confession? What the---OMG! This is even BETTER! Carly Corinthos's Nurses' Ball Whistleblowing Streak is about to claim another victim!
BALLROOM
LUCY: Let the 2016 Nurses' Ball BEGIN!
GH STAFF: NURSES! We not gonna do that same old song from '14 and '15, that'd just be wrong. We're bringin' on the new which means we're rappin' 'cuz the old song made everybody start nappin'. NURSES! We're name droppin' GH history 'cuz we got a motormouth newbie tryin' to create buzz.
AMY: Amy Driscoll's my name. Port Chuckles gossip's my game. I'm finally on stage because stage crew's just lame. The writers named me after Amy Vining. People say I'm obnoxious, but they're just whining.
EPIPHANY: I'm Nurse Johnson and Magic Milo's my man. I always got my wits when the sh(*% hits the fan. I don't take no crap from the Mad Teutonic. She really needs to work on her English phonics.
ANDRE: I'm the sexy shrink who makes women drool. Jordan is a cop who likes to play by the rules. Sometimes my heart feels divided and it drives me insane 'cuz I have myself a crush on Anna Devane.
FELIX: Felix DuBois knows a thing or two about how to turn Brad Cooper into a better dude. Now he's marrying Lucas and I'm his best man. Lucy Coe will do the honors like only she can.
BRAD: I'm Brad Cooper and I run the GH lab. Your blood gets sent to me after you get a jab. I used to be a sleazeball and I used to have a wife. I divorced Rosalie and I'm about to change my life.
BOBBIE: I'm Bobbie Spencer and I guess I'm still a nurse. I started feeling funny and now I feel worse. When this number is over and they say that's a wrap I'm gonna go backstage and have myself a nap!
EVERYONE: NURSES!
METROCOURT BROOM CLOSET
DR. OBRECHT (tied up and gagged) ERDERVERSS! ERDERVERSS! ERVER MERNERN ER GRERT YER! SMER ERN WHERT, CLERN ERN BRERT, YERL BER HERPER TER MERT MER!
BACKSTAGE
BOBBIE: I was so not kidding when I said I needed a nap. Now if only I could find a so--(collapses)
Monday, May 23, 2016
Look At The DIIIIIIIIAMONDS!
Liz catching Nikolas picking up Haychel's diiiiiiiiamonds made today a blogworthy show. Also, I love the Nurses' Ball, so you may see a few more blogs this week. Without further ado...
METROCOURT
BOBBIE: Look who's back in town for the Nurses' Ball! ME! Or did I never really leave town? The writers' broom closet is really close quarters. Oh, hi niece!
VALERIE: Hi aunt! I agree, the broom closet does get pretty crowded. And here I thought I was off studying at cop school. At least Lulu isn't trying to sic her fugitive friends on me, so there's that. Where's my sorta boyfriend Curtis? Is he hanging out with that Haychel chick again? By the way, I miss my mom.
FELIX: Hey, dayplayers on ladders, put some pep in your step. Nurses' Ball is TOMORROW! It's not like we didn't know this for MONTHS IN ADVANCE. Hop to!
BRAD: Take a chill pill, Felix! The Nurses' Ball is going to be extra awesome this year because Lucas and I are gettin' ourselves hitched!
FELIX: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
HOSPITAL
DR. OBRECHT: Doctah Finn, consider yourself on notice. You aah undah investigation.
DR. FINN: What for? Were you not at the meeting with the new Chief of Staff? Dr. Q says I'm clean as a whistle. You can stick your German Inquisition where the sun don't shine.
DR. OBRECHT: I vouldn't be so cavalier if I vere you, doctah Finn. I have been looking into your vork in zat city called Minneapolis in ze interest of putting togezzer a Doctah Finn Body Count.
DR. FINN: Yeah, good luck with that. You might just find out that some people die of old age. You're getting on in years yourself, Dr. O. Maybe you should be getting your affairs in order.
DR. OBRECHT: Aah you sreatening me, Doctah Finn? I vill continue my investigation and I vill see zat you aah srown in the SCHLAMMER!
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Look at the DIIIIIIIIIIAMONDS! That must be A ZILLION CARATS strewn across this floor! And you said you were broke.
NIKOLAS: You didn't see the diamonds, Liz. Begone! NOW!
LIZ: Overreact much, Nikolas? OMG, are these HAYCHEL'S DAD'S DIAMONDS????
NIKOLAS: What? You expect me to be living above the local greasy spoon and serving up BLTs at Kelly's? I have my standards, Liz.
LIZ: But those are BLOOD DIAMONDS, Nikolas! Haychel's dad got them from Ponzi-ing a bunch of poor, unsuspecting people! I can't unsee this!
NIKOLAS: Yes you can and you will. Cassadine orders.
SHED IN PUERTO RICO
MARCOS: Sorry cuz, but you gots to DIE!
SABRINA: Noooo, Marrrrrrrrrrcos! Don't kill me! I have a baaaaaaaaybeeeeeee!
MARCOS: Your mistake, gettin' involved with Sonny Corrrrrrrintos's kid.
SABRINA: But he BROKE UP WITH ME! I hid Carrrrrrrrrrlos from him and made him believe my baaaaaaaaybeeeeeeee was his!
MARCOS: Um...don't care. I gotta cover my ass, even if it means killing my cuz.
MICHAEL: SABS! (Jumps Marcos and gets his gun)
SONNY: Easy, boy. Kick the gun over to me. It always looks more badass when I've got one in each hand .
SABRINA: Michael, you saved my life! MY HERO!
SONNY: Get a room! Might I suggest my private jet? Just finish up by the time I get back from dealing with this random goon.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
JULIAN: Check this out, good wife. I have a little something something for you to make up for the whole murdering Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos with your evil step granny's dagger. You like? It's full of diiiiiiiiiiamonds!
ALEXIS: I don't like your face anymore.
JULIAN: Say WHAAAAAAAT? Is that an accusation, Alexis? I don't like accusations. Accusations make me VERY CRANKY! (cell phone rings) Whaddaya want? Oh, hi son I almost forgot I had.
LUCAS: (over the phone) Hey dad, get to GH ASAP.
JULIAN: Are you bleeding?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: Is your leg falling off?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: I'm kinda in the middle of yelling at my wife. Can this wait?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: Fine, I'll be there and you'd better be in one piece.
SHED IN PUERTO RICO
MARCOS: I come in peace, man.
SONNY: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Prepare to DIE! Just kidding. I need you alive to help me send Julian Jerome to Pumpkinville. Get it? Pumpkinville? Orange jumpsuits? Where's your sense of humor, man?
MARCOS: I don't know no Julian Jerome. Is he in the NBA? Is he on Game of Thrones? Is he running for President?
SONNY: Does the name Carrrrrrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrriverrrrrrra ring a bell?
MARCOS: Well, DUH! Carrrrrrrrrrrlos is my compadre. We go back a long way. He didn't say nothin' about this Julian Jerome guy.
SONNY: You know what, Marrrrrrrrrcos? I'm not gonna kill ya. I'll let the fellas in cellblock D do the honors. Orange really is your color.
WYNDEMERE
HAYCHEL: Gimme my DIIIIIIIIIIIIAMONDS BACK!
NIKOLAS: NOT. GONNA. HAPPEN.
HAYCHEL: Dem's FIGHTIN' WORDS! (Jumps Nikolas and they end up on the floor) Hey, you wanna have some Petit Mort?
NIKOLAS: You disgust me! By the way, you're going to pretend to be my loving wife tomorrow at the Nurses' Ball. Cassadine Orders. You know what those mean, don't you, Haychel?
HAYCHEL: Two words: Orange Jumpsuit.
SONNY'S PLANE
SABRINA: OMG OMG OMG! Marrrrrrrrcos could have killed me and I might never have seen my baaaaaaaybeeeeee again! Sorry I lied about Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos, Michael.
MICHAEL: Aw, Sabs, I'm sorry I ditched you and drove you to run away with the guy! Why didn't you TELL me that life on the run with a fugitive was getting under your skin?
SABRINA: Because...because he shot your dad and you guys hated his guts and I had all the guilt feels about making you believe you were the baby daddy and I knew I wouldn't last five minutes in lockup and...
MICHAEL: Hey, I get it, I get it. You know Carrrrrrrrrlos is dead for real this time, right?
SABRINA: Come on, Michael, this is Port Chuckles! No one dies for real in this town!
METROCOURT
CURTIS: Hey girlfriend! Nice moves.
VALERIE: So you decided to show up after all. How come I don't get to see you practice stripping?
CURTIS: Because Lucy Coe has us rehearse in an undisclosed location. No spoilers, girl! Not even for you.
VALERIE: How about for Haychel?
CURTIS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
VALERIE: Ha ha! Just kidding!
HOSPITAL
HAYCHEL: Dr. Finn. Here's 10 grand. Does that make me slightly less of a bitch to you?
DR. FINN: Um, NO!
HAYCHEL: Well, I tried. At least you'll never run out of lizard food.
DR. FINN: Roxy's a BEARDED DRAGON, you idiot!
LIZ: Dr. Finn, are you going to pass out?
DR. FINN: NONEOFYADAMNBIZNESS!
LIZ: That went well...
JULIAN: So, Lucas, what's the big emergency?
LUCAS: I'm getting married at the Nurses' Ball tomorrow and a need a best man. Are you in, Dad?
JULIAN: Um, NO!
LUCAS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? I thought you were totally down with my gay marriage. You told me you voted for Bernie Sanders in the primary.
JULIAN: I've totally gone progressive, son. I'm feeling the Bern real good. Trouble is, I just offed Carrrrrrrrrrlos and stuff's a little crazy right now. You understand, don't you? A Jerome's gotta do what a Jerome's gotta do.
ALEXIS & JULIANS' HOUSE
ALEXIS: Diane, will you help me pick my self-respect off the floor?
DIANE: I can try. Is it about your mobster hubby and the Carrrrrrrlos thing?
ALEXIS: I knew he was a mobster when I married him but HE SAID HE'D CHANGED!
DIANE: This is going to be harder than I'd thought. Do you have any actual factual evidence that can get him sent up the river?
ALEXIS: Well...
JULIAN: You didn't tell me we had company. Are you conspiring with Diane to accuse me of more stuff I actually did but won't admit to doing?
METROCOURT
BRAD: Hey Felix, a little favor to ask. This is really last minute, but I kinda need a best man for my wedding tomorrow. Interested?
FELIX: You're right, it's totes last minute and feels like a sad consolation prize...but what the hey? It's not like I won't be looking FAB-U-LOSO for the Ball already, so you've got yourself a best man.
LUCAS: Sweet. Thanks, Felix. My dad turned me down because "stuff got complicated" so my sister's going to step in and be my best person. This is going to be THE BEST NURSES' BALL EVER!
METROCOURT
BOBBIE: Look who's back in town for the Nurses' Ball! ME! Or did I never really leave town? The writers' broom closet is really close quarters. Oh, hi niece!
VALERIE: Hi aunt! I agree, the broom closet does get pretty crowded. And here I thought I was off studying at cop school. At least Lulu isn't trying to sic her fugitive friends on me, so there's that. Where's my sorta boyfriend Curtis? Is he hanging out with that Haychel chick again? By the way, I miss my mom.
FELIX: Hey, dayplayers on ladders, put some pep in your step. Nurses' Ball is TOMORROW! It's not like we didn't know this for MONTHS IN ADVANCE. Hop to!
BRAD: Take a chill pill, Felix! The Nurses' Ball is going to be extra awesome this year because Lucas and I are gettin' ourselves hitched!
FELIX: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
HOSPITAL
DR. OBRECHT: Doctah Finn, consider yourself on notice. You aah undah investigation.
DR. FINN: What for? Were you not at the meeting with the new Chief of Staff? Dr. Q says I'm clean as a whistle. You can stick your German Inquisition where the sun don't shine.
DR. OBRECHT: I vouldn't be so cavalier if I vere you, doctah Finn. I have been looking into your vork in zat city called Minneapolis in ze interest of putting togezzer a Doctah Finn Body Count.
DR. FINN: Yeah, good luck with that. You might just find out that some people die of old age. You're getting on in years yourself, Dr. O. Maybe you should be getting your affairs in order.
DR. OBRECHT: Aah you sreatening me, Doctah Finn? I vill continue my investigation and I vill see zat you aah srown in the SCHLAMMER!
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Look at the DIIIIIIIIIIAMONDS! That must be A ZILLION CARATS strewn across this floor! And you said you were broke.
NIKOLAS: You didn't see the diamonds, Liz. Begone! NOW!
LIZ: Overreact much, Nikolas? OMG, are these HAYCHEL'S DAD'S DIAMONDS????
NIKOLAS: What? You expect me to be living above the local greasy spoon and serving up BLTs at Kelly's? I have my standards, Liz.
LIZ: But those are BLOOD DIAMONDS, Nikolas! Haychel's dad got them from Ponzi-ing a bunch of poor, unsuspecting people! I can't unsee this!
NIKOLAS: Yes you can and you will. Cassadine orders.
SHED IN PUERTO RICO
MARCOS: Sorry cuz, but you gots to DIE!
SABRINA: Noooo, Marrrrrrrrrrcos! Don't kill me! I have a baaaaaaaaybeeeeeee!
MARCOS: Your mistake, gettin' involved with Sonny Corrrrrrrintos's kid.
SABRINA: But he BROKE UP WITH ME! I hid Carrrrrrrrrrlos from him and made him believe my baaaaaaaaybeeeeeeee was his!
MARCOS: Um...don't care. I gotta cover my ass, even if it means killing my cuz.
MICHAEL: SABS! (Jumps Marcos and gets his gun)
SONNY: Easy, boy. Kick the gun over to me. It always looks more badass when I've got one in each hand .
SABRINA: Michael, you saved my life! MY HERO!
SONNY: Get a room! Might I suggest my private jet? Just finish up by the time I get back from dealing with this random goon.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
JULIAN: Check this out, good wife. I have a little something something for you to make up for the whole murdering Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos with your evil step granny's dagger. You like? It's full of diiiiiiiiiiamonds!
ALEXIS: I don't like your face anymore.
JULIAN: Say WHAAAAAAAT? Is that an accusation, Alexis? I don't like accusations. Accusations make me VERY CRANKY! (cell phone rings) Whaddaya want? Oh, hi son I almost forgot I had.
LUCAS: (over the phone) Hey dad, get to GH ASAP.
JULIAN: Are you bleeding?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: Is your leg falling off?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: I'm kinda in the middle of yelling at my wife. Can this wait?
LUCAS: Nope.
JULIAN: Fine, I'll be there and you'd better be in one piece.
SHED IN PUERTO RICO
MARCOS: I come in peace, man.
SONNY: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Prepare to DIE! Just kidding. I need you alive to help me send Julian Jerome to Pumpkinville. Get it? Pumpkinville? Orange jumpsuits? Where's your sense of humor, man?
MARCOS: I don't know no Julian Jerome. Is he in the NBA? Is he on Game of Thrones? Is he running for President?
SONNY: Does the name Carrrrrrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrriverrrrrrra ring a bell?
MARCOS: Well, DUH! Carrrrrrrrrrrlos is my compadre. We go back a long way. He didn't say nothin' about this Julian Jerome guy.
SONNY: You know what, Marrrrrrrrrcos? I'm not gonna kill ya. I'll let the fellas in cellblock D do the honors. Orange really is your color.
WYNDEMERE
HAYCHEL: Gimme my DIIIIIIIIIIIIAMONDS BACK!
NIKOLAS: NOT. GONNA. HAPPEN.
HAYCHEL: Dem's FIGHTIN' WORDS! (Jumps Nikolas and they end up on the floor) Hey, you wanna have some Petit Mort?
NIKOLAS: You disgust me! By the way, you're going to pretend to be my loving wife tomorrow at the Nurses' Ball. Cassadine Orders. You know what those mean, don't you, Haychel?
HAYCHEL: Two words: Orange Jumpsuit.
SONNY'S PLANE
SABRINA: OMG OMG OMG! Marrrrrrrrcos could have killed me and I might never have seen my baaaaaaaybeeeeee again! Sorry I lied about Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos, Michael.
MICHAEL: Aw, Sabs, I'm sorry I ditched you and drove you to run away with the guy! Why didn't you TELL me that life on the run with a fugitive was getting under your skin?
SABRINA: Because...because he shot your dad and you guys hated his guts and I had all the guilt feels about making you believe you were the baby daddy and I knew I wouldn't last five minutes in lockup and...
MICHAEL: Hey, I get it, I get it. You know Carrrrrrrrrlos is dead for real this time, right?
SABRINA: Come on, Michael, this is Port Chuckles! No one dies for real in this town!
METROCOURT
CURTIS: Hey girlfriend! Nice moves.
VALERIE: So you decided to show up after all. How come I don't get to see you practice stripping?
CURTIS: Because Lucy Coe has us rehearse in an undisclosed location. No spoilers, girl! Not even for you.
VALERIE: How about for Haychel?
CURTIS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?
VALERIE: Ha ha! Just kidding!
HOSPITAL
HAYCHEL: Dr. Finn. Here's 10 grand. Does that make me slightly less of a bitch to you?
DR. FINN: Um, NO!
HAYCHEL: Well, I tried. At least you'll never run out of lizard food.
DR. FINN: Roxy's a BEARDED DRAGON, you idiot!
LIZ: Dr. Finn, are you going to pass out?
DR. FINN: NONEOFYADAMNBIZNESS!
LIZ: That went well...
JULIAN: So, Lucas, what's the big emergency?
LUCAS: I'm getting married at the Nurses' Ball tomorrow and a need a best man. Are you in, Dad?
JULIAN: Um, NO!
LUCAS: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? I thought you were totally down with my gay marriage. You told me you voted for Bernie Sanders in the primary.
JULIAN: I've totally gone progressive, son. I'm feeling the Bern real good. Trouble is, I just offed Carrrrrrrrrrlos and stuff's a little crazy right now. You understand, don't you? A Jerome's gotta do what a Jerome's gotta do.
ALEXIS & JULIANS' HOUSE
ALEXIS: Diane, will you help me pick my self-respect off the floor?
DIANE: I can try. Is it about your mobster hubby and the Carrrrrrrlos thing?
ALEXIS: I knew he was a mobster when I married him but HE SAID HE'D CHANGED!
DIANE: This is going to be harder than I'd thought. Do you have any actual factual evidence that can get him sent up the river?
ALEXIS: Well...
JULIAN: You didn't tell me we had company. Are you conspiring with Diane to accuse me of more stuff I actually did but won't admit to doing?
METROCOURT
BRAD: Hey Felix, a little favor to ask. This is really last minute, but I kinda need a best man for my wedding tomorrow. Interested?
FELIX: You're right, it's totes last minute and feels like a sad consolation prize...but what the hey? It's not like I won't be looking FAB-U-LOSO for the Ball already, so you've got yourself a best man.
LUCAS: Sweet. Thanks, Felix. My dad turned me down because "stuff got complicated" so my sister's going to step in and be my best person. This is going to be THE BEST NURSES' BALL EVER!
Monday, May 9, 2016
The Jason Show that was All About Jason
I'm back, albeit on a "recurring" basis. In other words, when I see a show I feel like blogging, I'll blog it. Today's show was a standalone staring Jason Jake Quartermaine Morgan Doe Morgan as himself. When Carrrrrrrrrrrlos was making a run for it, the PCPD transfer van crashed into a dude on a motorcycle. Who could that POSSIBLY BE? What a TRULY BAFFLING turn of events! But hey, whatever puts HELLZ-BELLZ on my screen works for me!
ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD ALONG RTE 9 (because Rte 31 was closed for construction)
JASON: ANOTHER ACCIDENT??? This is getting ridiculous, people! Who ran me down this time? A giant honkin' COP VAN! Can anyone give cops a ticket for reckless driving or do they have to do it themselves? Hey, anyone alive in there???
GHOST OF RANDOM COP WHO WAS DRIVING VAN: Um, not me. Thanks for cutting off my raging lunatic prisoner, PUNK!
JASON: Oooookay, he's dead. Any other mangled bodies around here, dead or alive?
UNCONSCIOUS DANTE: Is it just me or am I being pinned down by a giant honkin' prisoner transfer van?
HALLUCI-ROBIN: You can SAVE, Dante, Jason. You can do it! Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPER JASON, hero hitman with a conscience!
MYSTERIOUS BLUE ROOM IN Q MANSION
SAM: Should I tuck Danny in, chat up my ex-nephew-in-law, or wring my hands worrying about the whereabouts of my ex-hubby Jason?
MICHAEL: I vote for option B. Hey, if it's any comfort, I'm wringing my hands worrying about the whereabouts of my ex-girlfriend, so I can totes relate.
SAM: For that matter, where is Danny? I haven't seen him since he was, like, four.
MICHAEL: Yeah, he's grown so much and the baby teeth count is down by at least five or six.
ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD
JASON: Dante, buddy, the bad news is that you're trapped under this prison van. The good news is that Robin says I'm Super Jason and I can get you out of here if I put my mind to it. The other bad news is that I have a headache that Excedrin can't touch.
HALLUCI-ROBIN: You'll figure it out, Jason, and you'll save Dante. Go Jason! Go Jason! Go go go Jason!
JASON: So, it I just move the dead guy out of the driver's seat and put the van in neutral...
HALLUCI-CARLY: Good luck with that. One wrong move and Dante turns into Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump.
JASON: So now I'm hallucinating Carly. Who's next? Elizabeth? God forbid, Franco???
HALLUCI-CARLY: Forget about those losers! I'M here! Your BESTIE!
JASON: Then why have you been spending so much time with that weird doctor and his pet lizard?
HALLUCI-CARLY: It's a service lizard. No, make that a service bearded dragon. Why Jasey-jase, are you JEALOUS?
MYSTERIOUS BLUE Q ROOM
SAM: I miss the old Jason, but I feel guilty about it because Jason-Minus-Memories is a really nice guy as long as he's not in the same room with my pompous cousin or Franco.
MICHAEL: Wanna start a We Hate Nikolas and Franco club?
SAM: Thanks but no thanks. I'm too busy worrying about my mom and mourning the loss of her principles, yet feeling like a hypocrite for doing so.
MICHAEL: Well, Julian's an asshat, but he IS your dad. I can relate. There was a time I thought my dad was an asshat for killing my bio-dad, who, for a long time I thought HE was the biggest asshat of all. My dad and I are tight again, but I'm still divided between my Quartermaine self and my Corinthos self. We could totally be doing shots right now, but I'm still having stroller tipping flashbacks.
ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD
JASON: If I can't drive the van, maybe I can use my superhuman strength to lift it. Who am I kidding? I need a jack.
HALLUCI-HELENA: What? Were you expecting a grease monkey to hand you a jack? Such laziness is most unbecoming of my solider boy.
JASON: I should have known. Get lost you diabolical deadly-yet-actually dead diva! Nice legs, by the way.
HALLUCI-HELENA: Rumors of my demise HAVE been exaggerated in the past. Let that be a warning to you, Soldier Boy.
JASON: I saw you die Hellz-A-Bellz. Ergo, you are most certainly dead.
HALLUCI-HELENA: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So physically skilled, yet so unfortunately gullible. Do you believe EVERYTHING you see on Cassadine Island?
JASON: Speaking of Cassadine Island, what in the name of the Sad Robe Store did you do to my son Jake? Even FRANCO is freaked out by the kid and that's truly disturbing.
HALLUCI-HELENA: I can assure you, Mister Morgan, that I have NEVER worn a sad robe.
JASON: Do you have any mysterious Cassadine pain relief potions on you by any chance? It feels like Satan is driving nails into my headspace.
HALLUCI-HELENA: That is your mind resisting The Conditioning.
JASON: Dr. Drake removed my "conditioning". I should know. I had a maxi pad stuck on my forehead for two months. Then it was downgraded to a pantiliner.
HALLUCI-HELENA: I am nothing if not thorough. Who's to say there isn't more where that came from?
MYSTERIOUS BLUE Q ROOM
SAM: Maybe we'd all be better of if Daddy Julian was in the clink. Wait, wasn't that what my mom said about Jason?
MICHAEL: But Jason was a GOOD mobster who only killed BAD mobsters. Just like my dad.
ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD
HALLUCI-SAM: Jason, don't listen to that curse-spewing maybe-dead Maleficent. You can save Dante and you can be whatever Jason you want to be.
HALLUCI-HELENA: (rolls eyes) Oh, the TEDIUM!
JASON: I must have a fever of 250 right now. My head is about to explode! MAKE IT STOP!
HALLUCI-HELENA: Rockabye Jason, lay your head down. Your memories, nowhere to be found. Go to sleep now, it will ease the pain. When you wake up, nothing will remain.
JASON: Sam, you gotta let me know. Should I stay or should I go?
HALLUCI-SONNY: Why don't you stay-ay-ay! Just a little bit longer!
JASON: I really am hallucinating now. Sonny's SINGING! Is this some sort of twisted musical based on my life? Is this the Nurses' Ball? I'M SOOOOOO CONFUUUUUSED!
HALLUCI-SONNY: Oooh, you make me live! Oh, you're my best friend!
JASON: Queen now. Okay. What's next, Sonny? Bohemian Rhapsody? Can you do the Fandango?
HALLUCI-SONNY: I see your true colors shining through! I see your true colors, and that's why I love you.
JASON: Simon says, stop singing and help me rescue your kid. I'll use this Rte 9 sign as a lever and you drag Dante out from under that big honkin' prison van, 'kay?
HALLUCI-SONNY: When you're lost and alone and you're sinking like a stone--
JASON: Dude, you're killing me.
HALLUCI-SONNY: Carry on!
MYSTERY BLUE Q ROOM
DANNY: Bad news, Mom. Annabelle 2.0 peed in Scary Aunt Tracy's closet.
SAM: Holy SORAS, what's in the water in this ginormous mansion? How old ARE you now, Danny?
DANNY: Duh, Mom! I'm six. Or maybe seven. Isn't it weird how I got older and my brother Jake got younger? We're practically the same age now.
SAM: It's less weird than you might think, kiddo. We live in a very strange town.
DANNY: At least I'm not too old for my mom to sing me a lullaby.
SAM: Um...Lullaby, and good night...and that's the only part I remember...
ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD
JASON: Ooof! Ugh! GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
RTE 9 SIGN: Here ya go, man.
JASON: Hey Dante, good news. No Lieutenant Dan legs for you. You're welcome.
PRISON VAN: KABOOM!
JASON: ...And THAT happened...
ALL OF JASON'S HALLUCINATIONS: Nothing really matters. Anyone can see. Nothing really matters. Nothing really matters. To me. Anywhere the wind blooooooows!
JASON: I could really use some morphine right now...
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Taking Some Time Off
I know I've been cutting some corners lately on this blog and now I'm telling you I'm taking some time away from blogging. The show is dragging and besides repeated jokes about brain worms, Carrrrrrrrlos and service lizards, there's just not a lot to work with lately. I'm having a minor (nothing to worry about!) medical procedure tomorrow so now's as good a time as any to put the hilarity on hold. I'm not sure yet when I'll be back and when I do come back it may not be for every episode. Thank you to those who follow and read this blog. Your loyalty is greatly appreciated.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Haychel Goes Rogue (and So Does Sonny!)
Haychel has good news and bad news for the back-to-her-old-snarky-self Tracy, still recovering from brain surgery. She also has hubby Nikolas over a barrel. Paul breaks free of his captivity in time to thwart Anna's capture of Carlos. Jason has a plan to put Nikolas in his place. Nathan tries to shut down Maxie's questions about Claudette.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Gimme my phone. I need to yell at a certain bitch who owes me my family's company.
NED: Hello, mother? You just had an extremely complicated radical wormectomy. Are you sure you should be putting the health of your cerebrum at risk? Besides, what happened to the kinder, gentler Tracy who just declared her love to Monica?
TRACY: Ever heard of anesthesia, Ned? Whatever I said to Monica never happened because I was still under the sauce.
NED: You need your rest, mother.
TRACY: I just woke up from a friggin NAP, Ned. If you aren't going to fork over the phone, at least text Haychel that she needs to haul ass to this room with ELQ in her hands or the world will know just where Rachel Berlin is hiding out.
WYNDEMERE
HAYCHEL: Here's the deal, dear hubby: You sign ELQ over to moi or you get sent to the hoosegow.
NIKOLAS: What happened to our oh-so-romantic loveless marriage cease-fire?
HAYCHEL: Sleeping with knives is too Cassadine even for me. Sign or haul ass to prison.
NIKOLAS: Like HELL I'm signing my fortune over to Raymond BerMadoff's daughter.
HAYCHEL: Poor little Spencer, raised by his self-righteous granny and having to talk to his daddy on the prison phone. Gotta go! There's a certain so-called associate fresh out of brain surgery who I need to troll.
MAXIE'S BEDROOM
MAXIE: Sex with you is amazing. Why that tramp Claudette would cheat on a hot cop like you...I just don't get it. Are you still feeling the emotional scars from her screwing you over?
NATHAN: You sure know how to kill a mood, Maxie.
SONNY'S PLANE
ANNA: Full disclosure: I shot Carrrrrrrrrrrlos in the chest four times. Too bad he was wearing a bulletproof vest.
SONNY: You tried, Anna. No one can fault you for lack of effort.
ANNA: I could go to prison for this if we catch Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos and have him rat out Julian, but it will be SOOOOO worth it to avenge Duke's death.
SONNY: Isn't there a little thing called justifiable homicide?
ANNA'S HOUSE
PAUL: DERM IT ERNA! (takes duct tape off his mouth) How nice of you to leave me one hand free. Note the sarcasm dripping in my voice. If this was some sort of sex game, it would help if you actually showed up. If you're trying to stop me from stopping you from going after Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, you know better than to leave me with a free hand to reach for your mail and find a paper clip to unlock my cuff. There's a price to pay for messing with Paul Hornsby.
JASON'S APARTMENT
JASON: I have unfinished business with your cousin Nikky.
SAM: What, you're going to go over there and finish the job? Think of Danny, Jason. You can even think of Jake too.
JASON: I'm not going to snap his royal assholish neck, if that's what you're worried about. There are better ways to deal with pompous princes whose grandmothers implant mind control chips in my brain.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
HAYCHEL: So, Tracy, did the good doctors remove all the worms from your brain. By the way, EEEEEEEEWWWW!
TRACY: Shut up, Haychel, and show me ELQ.
HAYCHEL: I have a better idea. Inside this box you will find two most important pieces of my husband's male anatomy.
TRACY: I sure hope you're speaking figuratively, because now it's my turn to say EEEEEEWWWW!
HAYCHEL: Nikolas is signing over ELQ as we speak.
TRACY: Hallelujah!
HAYCHEL: Don't get too excited, worm lady. ELQ is mine and I'm not just giving it away.
TRACY: Have you forgotten the terms of our arrangement, HAYCHEL BARNLIN?
HAYCHEL: It's too late, Tracy. The cat's out of the bag, so to speak. I have nothing to lose and you just got Berlin'd.
SONNY'S PLANE
AUTHORITIES: Anna Devane, consider yourself screwed. A certain wronged party at your Port Chuckles residence has informed me of your lawless shenanigans at his expense and we have a warrant out for your arrest.
ANNA: Stupid F$#%^&ING PAUL HORNSBY! (to self) I should have chloroformed him THRICE)
SONNY: Sorry, Anna, but I gotta go. Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos must be found and I have a Costco butterly net to put to use.
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: Mother, I'm completely and utterly screwed! Haychel knows I tried to have her plugged and I either sign my fortune over to her or suit up in those plebeian prison blues.
LAURA: If Haychel turns you in, she might as well turn Elizabeth and I too. Honey, we're all screwed.
NIKOLAS: I'm such a bad son. Such a bad, bad son. I'm sorry, mother.
LAURA: On the upside, you did save Lulu when she was a dark-haired toddler, so it all evens out in the end.
QUITO, ECUADOR
SONNY: Carrrrrrrrrrrlos, I'm comin' for ya and I've got a net. It's really too bad my new pal Anna couldn't come along and plug you another four times in the chest after recording your admission that Julian was behind the hit on Duke.
CARRRRRRRRRLOS: Not if I plug you fiiiiiiiirst!
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Gimme my phone. I need to yell at a certain bitch who owes me my family's company.
NED: Hello, mother? You just had an extremely complicated radical wormectomy. Are you sure you should be putting the health of your cerebrum at risk? Besides, what happened to the kinder, gentler Tracy who just declared her love to Monica?
TRACY: Ever heard of anesthesia, Ned? Whatever I said to Monica never happened because I was still under the sauce.
NED: You need your rest, mother.
TRACY: I just woke up from a friggin NAP, Ned. If you aren't going to fork over the phone, at least text Haychel that she needs to haul ass to this room with ELQ in her hands or the world will know just where Rachel Berlin is hiding out.
WYNDEMERE
HAYCHEL: Here's the deal, dear hubby: You sign ELQ over to moi or you get sent to the hoosegow.
NIKOLAS: What happened to our oh-so-romantic loveless marriage cease-fire?
HAYCHEL: Sleeping with knives is too Cassadine even for me. Sign or haul ass to prison.
NIKOLAS: Like HELL I'm signing my fortune over to Raymond BerMadoff's daughter.
HAYCHEL: Poor little Spencer, raised by his self-righteous granny and having to talk to his daddy on the prison phone. Gotta go! There's a certain so-called associate fresh out of brain surgery who I need to troll.
MAXIE'S BEDROOM
MAXIE: Sex with you is amazing. Why that tramp Claudette would cheat on a hot cop like you...I just don't get it. Are you still feeling the emotional scars from her screwing you over?
NATHAN: You sure know how to kill a mood, Maxie.
SONNY'S PLANE
ANNA: Full disclosure: I shot Carrrrrrrrrrrlos in the chest four times. Too bad he was wearing a bulletproof vest.
SONNY: You tried, Anna. No one can fault you for lack of effort.
ANNA: I could go to prison for this if we catch Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos and have him rat out Julian, but it will be SOOOOO worth it to avenge Duke's death.
SONNY: Isn't there a little thing called justifiable homicide?
ANNA'S HOUSE
PAUL: DERM IT ERNA! (takes duct tape off his mouth) How nice of you to leave me one hand free. Note the sarcasm dripping in my voice. If this was some sort of sex game, it would help if you actually showed up. If you're trying to stop me from stopping you from going after Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos, you know better than to leave me with a free hand to reach for your mail and find a paper clip to unlock my cuff. There's a price to pay for messing with Paul Hornsby.
JASON'S APARTMENT
JASON: I have unfinished business with your cousin Nikky.
SAM: What, you're going to go over there and finish the job? Think of Danny, Jason. You can even think of Jake too.
JASON: I'm not going to snap his royal assholish neck, if that's what you're worried about. There are better ways to deal with pompous princes whose grandmothers implant mind control chips in my brain.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
HAYCHEL: So, Tracy, did the good doctors remove all the worms from your brain. By the way, EEEEEEEEWWWW!
TRACY: Shut up, Haychel, and show me ELQ.
HAYCHEL: I have a better idea. Inside this box you will find two most important pieces of my husband's male anatomy.
TRACY: I sure hope you're speaking figuratively, because now it's my turn to say EEEEEEWWWW!
HAYCHEL: Nikolas is signing over ELQ as we speak.
TRACY: Hallelujah!
HAYCHEL: Don't get too excited, worm lady. ELQ is mine and I'm not just giving it away.
TRACY: Have you forgotten the terms of our arrangement, HAYCHEL BARNLIN?
HAYCHEL: It's too late, Tracy. The cat's out of the bag, so to speak. I have nothing to lose and you just got Berlin'd.
SONNY'S PLANE
AUTHORITIES: Anna Devane, consider yourself screwed. A certain wronged party at your Port Chuckles residence has informed me of your lawless shenanigans at his expense and we have a warrant out for your arrest.
ANNA: Stupid F$#%^&ING PAUL HORNSBY! (to self) I should have chloroformed him THRICE)
SONNY: Sorry, Anna, but I gotta go. Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos must be found and I have a Costco butterly net to put to use.
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: Mother, I'm completely and utterly screwed! Haychel knows I tried to have her plugged and I either sign my fortune over to her or suit up in those plebeian prison blues.
LAURA: If Haychel turns you in, she might as well turn Elizabeth and I too. Honey, we're all screwed.
NIKOLAS: I'm such a bad son. Such a bad, bad son. I'm sorry, mother.
LAURA: On the upside, you did save Lulu when she was a dark-haired toddler, so it all evens out in the end.
QUITO, ECUADOR
SONNY: Carrrrrrrrrrrlos, I'm comin' for ya and I've got a net. It's really too bad my new pal Anna couldn't come along and plug you another four times in the chest after recording your admission that Julian was behind the hit on Duke.
CARRRRRRRRRLOS: Not if I plug you fiiiiiiiirst!
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