Screencap from General Hospital Snark
Monday, March 9, 2015
Poor Ava :(
Ava gets the three words from Silas that nobody wants to hear from their doctor. Sonny is willing to go back to the slammer in order to keep Michael from Crypt Baby Avery. Kiki convinces Morgan to skip the island and head back home with the baby. Maxie tells Nathan that her thing with Spin is in the past. Meanwhile, Spin gives Tracy & Lulu Pat Spencer's last known address. Luke, Franco, & Nina's escape plan goes awry and only the ear-munching monster gets away.
SHADYBROOK
LUKE: So are you in or are you out?
FRANCO: I'm in if Nina's in.
NINA: Fine, let's let the ear-chewer help us get out of here and be together.
FRANCO: Nina, you stand guard and I'll untie him.
LUKE: Like hell you will! The goddess stays with me.
FRANCO: I'm not leaving my girlfriend alone in a room with a guy who came in here with a muzzle.
LUKE: Do you want out of here or not?
FRANCO: Fine, but if you eat any part of the goddess's face, you're gonna DIE!
NINA: If he bites, I'll scream. Now go distract the guard by being your delightfully tripped-out self. You are way more fun than boring old Silas anyway.
DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT
MAXIE: YOU want to break up with ME? After all we've been through? Fake Aussie jewel thieves, exploding clinics, unhinged judges and all that?
NATHAN: But Spinelli kissed you and you didn't stop him. You still have Spinelli on your lips. That means, the next time I kiss you, I'll be kissing Spinelli too. No thanks.
MAXIE: Spinelli and I may have a history and a kid together, but don't tell me you don't have an ex that, if she walked through this door, you wouldn't still have feelings for.
NATHAN: Fine, I might have an ex or two that I was once madly in love with, but I haven't kissed her like, five minutes ago.
MAXIE: I'm choosing YOU, Nathan. Just like Spinelli chose Ellie way back when I actually did want to get back together with him before all the eat pray love meeting Levi thing happened. Come home with me and let's just be together for awhile. I need to refresh your memory on how awesome our sex was.
NATHAN: I have to admit, it was pretty awesome.
SPINELLI: Don't mind me. I thought you were kicking the musclebound detective to the curb.
MAXIE: You made a miscalculation, Spinelli. Nathan wins. You lose. Buh-bye!
SPINELLI: For now.
SONNY'S HOUSE
MICHAEL: Sonny, tell my posse and me where Avery is or it's back to P-ville with your ass.
CARLY: Michael, please! It doesn't have to be like this.
SONNY: He's not laying his hands on my daughter. You can go ahead and arrest me. I was getting used to live in the clink anyway.
MICHAEL: While you're at it, you can arrest Carly too. She and Sonny are thick as thieves, and by that I mean thieves of AJ's life.
CARLY: Michael, please! It doesn't have to be like this.
MICHAEL: For the last time, WHERE'S THE GODDAMNED BABY?
CARLY: Fine, arrest me too.
SONNY: Over my dead body! By the way, Michael, it doesn't have to be like this.
RYAN'S BAR
KIKI: Come on, Morgan. Let's just go home.
MORGAN: If we don't hightail it to that island, we will never see our little sister again.
KIKI: Michael will be chasing us around the globe, Morgan. Is that any way for a little baby to live? Think about what our little sis has gone through so far. She was conceived in a crypt, forced out of the womb early by some bad medicine, born in the presence of a crazy woman, kidnapped by said crazy woman, visited a state prison, lost her mother, and now you want to fly her to some island in the middle of nowhere?
MORGAN: Fine, we'll take her home, but I'll be damned if I'm just gonna hand her over to Mikey.
Q MANSION
SPINELLI: I have a small nugget of information for you.
TRACY: Out with it, Spinelli!
SPINELLI: An address. Here it is.
TRACY: Great. I'm going to go there, like yesterday.
SPINELLI: Not so fast.
TRACY: Why the hell not?
SPINELLI: Pat doesn't live there anymore. It's her last known address, as of 10 years ago.
TRACY: A lot of good that does us!
LULU: It's better than nothing, Tracy.
TRACY: I suppose so, but we need to get there RIGHT NOW and find out where Pat is living so we can figure out how to fix Luke! Time is of the essence.
LULU: I'm going with you.
SPINELLI: If you don't mind, I shall remain here. I must conceal myself from a certain musclebound detective who wants to blacken an orbital region or two of mine.
SHADYBROOK
GUARD: Franco, go back to your room.
FRANCO: I'm not crazy, sir. I'm just a little unwell. I know, right now you can't tell. By the way, have you seen the girl with kaleidoscope eyes? She was in the art room and she just disappeared. I have to find her because she has my diamonds. They are brilliant diamonds and I need them back before I go through the turnstyle.
LUKE: Shoot me and I'll snap this goddess's neck!
FRANCO: Bad boy! No biscuit for you!
LUKE: I'm hangry! GRRRRRRRRR!!!!! Drops Nina and runs
FRANCO: Are you okay, Nina?
NINA: Next time you want to kill that maniac, I won't stand in your way. Because Silas is in the past and you are my future.
SONNY'S HOUSE
KIKI: Michael, you have changed into a very bad person. I'm not so sure I want to hand my little sister over to you.
MICHAEL: How about I show you my scar from when I was shot in the head. Do you want that to happen to Avery?
KIKI: No, but I don't want to take her away from the people who love her either.
MORGAN: Sorry about not going to the island, Dad. I didn't want to drag Kiki into this.
SONNY: It's okay, son. I shouldn't have put you up to it.
MICHAEL: May I have my sister now, Kiki?
KIKI: Fine, but take good care of her.
MICHAEL: I'll make sure she remembers her mother. And, by the way, I'm going to call her AJ.
SECRET GREEN BAD NEWS ROOM
AVA: What do you mean my days are numbered?
SILAS: Three words: You. Have. Cancer.
AVA: And you know this how?
SILAS: When I was saving your life, I ran a bunch of tests and found that you have a really bad kind of Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. I'm sorry, Ava.
AVA: Why are you just telling me this now?
SILAS: I was kind of too distracted by the memorial service.
AVA: So I survived getting shot and falling off a bridge only to find out I'm dying of friggin' CANCER???? Can't I get a bone marrow transplant or something?
SILAS: That would be possible if there were a match. Nobody who was tested when Danny was sick is a match.
AVA: What about my mother?
SILAS: Her bone marrow is too old.
AVA: What about strangers?
SILAS: You have some very unique blood running through your veins, Ava. Your blood type is so unique that you are the only one in the world that has it.
AVA: But badass mob bosses don't die of CANCER! They get blown up or shot or drawn and quartered, but they don't get cancer.
SILAS: I'm so sorry, Ava. I'm so sorry.
SHADYBROOK
LUKE: So are you in or are you out?
FRANCO: I'm in if Nina's in.
NINA: Fine, let's let the ear-chewer help us get out of here and be together.
FRANCO: Nina, you stand guard and I'll untie him.
LUKE: Like hell you will! The goddess stays with me.
FRANCO: I'm not leaving my girlfriend alone in a room with a guy who came in here with a muzzle.
LUKE: Do you want out of here or not?
FRANCO: Fine, but if you eat any part of the goddess's face, you're gonna DIE!
NINA: If he bites, I'll scream. Now go distract the guard by being your delightfully tripped-out self. You are way more fun than boring old Silas anyway.
DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT
MAXIE: YOU want to break up with ME? After all we've been through? Fake Aussie jewel thieves, exploding clinics, unhinged judges and all that?
NATHAN: But Spinelli kissed you and you didn't stop him. You still have Spinelli on your lips. That means, the next time I kiss you, I'll be kissing Spinelli too. No thanks.
MAXIE: Spinelli and I may have a history and a kid together, but don't tell me you don't have an ex that, if she walked through this door, you wouldn't still have feelings for.
NATHAN: Fine, I might have an ex or two that I was once madly in love with, but I haven't kissed her like, five minutes ago.
MAXIE: I'm choosing YOU, Nathan. Just like Spinelli chose Ellie way back when I actually did want to get back together with him before all the eat pray love meeting Levi thing happened. Come home with me and let's just be together for awhile. I need to refresh your memory on how awesome our sex was.
NATHAN: I have to admit, it was pretty awesome.
SPINELLI: Don't mind me. I thought you were kicking the musclebound detective to the curb.
MAXIE: You made a miscalculation, Spinelli. Nathan wins. You lose. Buh-bye!
SPINELLI: For now.
SONNY'S HOUSE
MICHAEL: Sonny, tell my posse and me where Avery is or it's back to P-ville with your ass.
CARLY: Michael, please! It doesn't have to be like this.
SONNY: He's not laying his hands on my daughter. You can go ahead and arrest me. I was getting used to live in the clink anyway.
MICHAEL: While you're at it, you can arrest Carly too. She and Sonny are thick as thieves, and by that I mean thieves of AJ's life.
CARLY: Michael, please! It doesn't have to be like this.
MICHAEL: For the last time, WHERE'S THE GODDAMNED BABY?
CARLY: Fine, arrest me too.
SONNY: Over my dead body! By the way, Michael, it doesn't have to be like this.
RYAN'S BAR
KIKI: Come on, Morgan. Let's just go home.
MORGAN: If we don't hightail it to that island, we will never see our little sister again.
KIKI: Michael will be chasing us around the globe, Morgan. Is that any way for a little baby to live? Think about what our little sis has gone through so far. She was conceived in a crypt, forced out of the womb early by some bad medicine, born in the presence of a crazy woman, kidnapped by said crazy woman, visited a state prison, lost her mother, and now you want to fly her to some island in the middle of nowhere?
MORGAN: Fine, we'll take her home, but I'll be damned if I'm just gonna hand her over to Mikey.
Q MANSION
SPINELLI: I have a small nugget of information for you.
TRACY: Out with it, Spinelli!
SPINELLI: An address. Here it is.
TRACY: Great. I'm going to go there, like yesterday.
SPINELLI: Not so fast.
TRACY: Why the hell not?
SPINELLI: Pat doesn't live there anymore. It's her last known address, as of 10 years ago.
TRACY: A lot of good that does us!
LULU: It's better than nothing, Tracy.
TRACY: I suppose so, but we need to get there RIGHT NOW and find out where Pat is living so we can figure out how to fix Luke! Time is of the essence.
LULU: I'm going with you.
SPINELLI: If you don't mind, I shall remain here. I must conceal myself from a certain musclebound detective who wants to blacken an orbital region or two of mine.
SHADYBROOK
GUARD: Franco, go back to your room.
FRANCO: I'm not crazy, sir. I'm just a little unwell. I know, right now you can't tell. By the way, have you seen the girl with kaleidoscope eyes? She was in the art room and she just disappeared. I have to find her because she has my diamonds. They are brilliant diamonds and I need them back before I go through the turnstyle.
LUKE: Shoot me and I'll snap this goddess's neck!
FRANCO: Bad boy! No biscuit for you!
LUKE: I'm hangry! GRRRRRRRRR!!!!! Drops Nina and runs
FRANCO: Are you okay, Nina?
NINA: Next time you want to kill that maniac, I won't stand in your way. Because Silas is in the past and you are my future.
SONNY'S HOUSE
KIKI: Michael, you have changed into a very bad person. I'm not so sure I want to hand my little sister over to you.
MICHAEL: How about I show you my scar from when I was shot in the head. Do you want that to happen to Avery?
KIKI: No, but I don't want to take her away from the people who love her either.
MORGAN: Sorry about not going to the island, Dad. I didn't want to drag Kiki into this.
SONNY: It's okay, son. I shouldn't have put you up to it.
MICHAEL: May I have my sister now, Kiki?
KIKI: Fine, but take good care of her.
MICHAEL: I'll make sure she remembers her mother. And, by the way, I'm going to call her AJ.
SECRET GREEN BAD NEWS ROOM
AVA: What do you mean my days are numbered?
SILAS: Three words: You. Have. Cancer.
AVA: And you know this how?
SILAS: When I was saving your life, I ran a bunch of tests and found that you have a really bad kind of Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. I'm sorry, Ava.
AVA: Why are you just telling me this now?
SILAS: I was kind of too distracted by the memorial service.
AVA: So I survived getting shot and falling off a bridge only to find out I'm dying of friggin' CANCER???? Can't I get a bone marrow transplant or something?
SILAS: That would be possible if there were a match. Nobody who was tested when Danny was sick is a match.
AVA: What about my mother?
SILAS: Her bone marrow is too old.
AVA: What about strangers?
SILAS: You have some very unique blood running through your veins, Ava. Your blood type is so unique that you are the only one in the world that has it.
AVA: But badass mob bosses don't die of CANCER! They get blown up or shot or drawn and quartered, but they don't get cancer.
SILAS: I'm so sorry, Ava. I'm so sorry.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Take The Baby and Run
That's what Ava wanted to do and that's what Sonny's trying to do via Morgan & Kiki whizzing Crypt Baby Avery off to his island. Franco wants to kill Luke...until he wants to run away with him.
RYAN'S BAR
AVA: Avery is coming with me!
SILAS: Sorry, Ava, but Not. Gonna. Happen.
AVA: Like hell it won't! If I don't take my baby and RUN, I'll never see her again.
DELIA: Listen to Silas, honey. If you take that precious baby, you'll get caught and sent back to the Big House.
AVA: This coming from the woman who abandoned ME as a baby!
SILAS: Come on, Ava. We need to get out of here before Morgan and Kiki come back.
Q MANSION
TRACY: Congratulations, Michael! You and your judge switcharoo make you a tried and true Quatermaine. Your great grandfather, may he rest in peace, would be proud.
MICHAEL: Would he be? Like, for real?
TRACY: Of course he would. You seized the Quartermaine resources and used them to your advantage. Alice is preparing the nursery as we speak.
MICHAEL: I'll be going over there soon to pick her up. I trust the "Littlest Q" onesies have arrived.
TRACY: The onesies, the blanket, the pacifier, the whole shebang. Be sure you don't go to Sonny's alone. At the very least bring a bomb-sniffing dog.
SHADYBROOK
FRANCO: I'm fixin' to end you, father's-ear-eating maniac!
LUKE: Be my guest. Your daddy never had the cajones to end me himself. He has to send his kid to do it for him.
FRANCO: Luke Spencer, meet Mr. Pillow! Starts smothering Luke with a pillow.
NINA: Franco, what the hell?
FRANCO: Nina, this is not a good time. Trying to avenge my dad's ear. Come back in 5 minutes.
NINA: Gimme that pillow! It's a sad state of affairs when I'm the sanest person in the room. If you kill this guy, we can't run away together.
LUKE: Listen to the Goddess. By the way, why don't you two kiddies run away with ME! I've got places to go, people to ea--I mean meet.
RYAN'S BAR
MORGAN: My dad said to take the baby and fly off to his island.
KIKI: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?????
Q MANSION
ALICE: Did I hear right? Mister Luke bit Scott Baldwin's EAR off? The Dominator is impressed!
TRACY: Only part of his ear, but yes. It's the latest sick twist on my hubby's descent into madness. But the real Luke is buried there somewhere. I saw him for 5 minutes while he was in his cell at the PCPD. Now, we just have to free him from that monster who's sharing his body
ALICE: If anyone can fix Mister Luke, Miss Tracy, you can.
LULU & DANTE'S APARTMENT
NATHAN: Great, Maxie, now you're sucking face with that clown!
MAXIE: I didn't suck HIS face, he sucked MINE!
NATHAN: This is where being bigger, stronger, and in WAY better shape has it's benefits. Spinelli, you're going DOWN!
MAXIE: No bloodshed, please!
SPINELLI: Was that a ping I heard? I may have uncovered valuable information in the quest for the mysterious Spencer sibling.
NATHAN: Lemme see it.
SPINELLI: I'm afraid that is not permitted per my agreement with Tracy Quartermaine. She is not one to be trifled with. Gotta go.
MAXIE: Let's go back to my place and have some dinner and sex.
NATHAN: I've lost my appetite for both. Perhaps you should go home and wash the Spinelli off of you.
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Michael will not get his hands on my daughter. Morgan is spiriting her to my island
CARLY: Great, make Morgan an accomplice and get him thrown in prison.
SONNY: You should probably leave before it all goes down.
CARLY: Hell no. We're in this together.
MICHAEL: Where's my baby sister?
SONNY: Upstairs. I'll go get her.
MICHAEL: Like hell you will. I'll have the court-appointed social worker do the honors.
SONNY: Sit down, have some scotch
MICHAEL: I'm taking the kid and getting the hell out of here.
SOCIAL WORKER: She's not here.
MICHAEL: Why am I not shocked. WHERE. IS. SHE?
SECRET GREEN RECOVERY ROOM
AVA: I miss my babies! I ache for them!
SILAS: I know you do. I'm sorry.
AVA: What to do next, Ava Jerome, what to do next?
SILAS: I've got some bad news for you, Ava.
AVA: What do you mean, bad news?
SILAS: Your days are numbered.
RYAN'S BAR
AVA: Avery is coming with me!
SILAS: Sorry, Ava, but Not. Gonna. Happen.
AVA: Like hell it won't! If I don't take my baby and RUN, I'll never see her again.
DELIA: Listen to Silas, honey. If you take that precious baby, you'll get caught and sent back to the Big House.
AVA: This coming from the woman who abandoned ME as a baby!
SILAS: Come on, Ava. We need to get out of here before Morgan and Kiki come back.
Q MANSION
TRACY: Congratulations, Michael! You and your judge switcharoo make you a tried and true Quatermaine. Your great grandfather, may he rest in peace, would be proud.
MICHAEL: Would he be? Like, for real?
TRACY: Of course he would. You seized the Quartermaine resources and used them to your advantage. Alice is preparing the nursery as we speak.
MICHAEL: I'll be going over there soon to pick her up. I trust the "Littlest Q" onesies have arrived.
TRACY: The onesies, the blanket, the pacifier, the whole shebang. Be sure you don't go to Sonny's alone. At the very least bring a bomb-sniffing dog.
SHADYBROOK
FRANCO: I'm fixin' to end you, father's-ear-eating maniac!
LUKE: Be my guest. Your daddy never had the cajones to end me himself. He has to send his kid to do it for him.
FRANCO: Luke Spencer, meet Mr. Pillow! Starts smothering Luke with a pillow.
NINA: Franco, what the hell?
FRANCO: Nina, this is not a good time. Trying to avenge my dad's ear. Come back in 5 minutes.
NINA: Gimme that pillow! It's a sad state of affairs when I'm the sanest person in the room. If you kill this guy, we can't run away together.
LUKE: Listen to the Goddess. By the way, why don't you two kiddies run away with ME! I've got places to go, people to ea--I mean meet.
RYAN'S BAR
MORGAN: My dad said to take the baby and fly off to his island.
KIKI: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?????
Q MANSION
ALICE: Did I hear right? Mister Luke bit Scott Baldwin's EAR off? The Dominator is impressed!
TRACY: Only part of his ear, but yes. It's the latest sick twist on my hubby's descent into madness. But the real Luke is buried there somewhere. I saw him for 5 minutes while he was in his cell at the PCPD. Now, we just have to free him from that monster who's sharing his body
ALICE: If anyone can fix Mister Luke, Miss Tracy, you can.
LULU & DANTE'S APARTMENT
NATHAN: Great, Maxie, now you're sucking face with that clown!
MAXIE: I didn't suck HIS face, he sucked MINE!
NATHAN: This is where being bigger, stronger, and in WAY better shape has it's benefits. Spinelli, you're going DOWN!
MAXIE: No bloodshed, please!
SPINELLI: Was that a ping I heard? I may have uncovered valuable information in the quest for the mysterious Spencer sibling.
NATHAN: Lemme see it.
SPINELLI: I'm afraid that is not permitted per my agreement with Tracy Quartermaine. She is not one to be trifled with. Gotta go.
MAXIE: Let's go back to my place and have some dinner and sex.
NATHAN: I've lost my appetite for both. Perhaps you should go home and wash the Spinelli off of you.
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Michael will not get his hands on my daughter. Morgan is spiriting her to my island
CARLY: Great, make Morgan an accomplice and get him thrown in prison.
SONNY: You should probably leave before it all goes down.
CARLY: Hell no. We're in this together.
MICHAEL: Where's my baby sister?
SONNY: Upstairs. I'll go get her.
MICHAEL: Like hell you will. I'll have the court-appointed social worker do the honors.
SONNY: Sit down, have some scotch
MICHAEL: I'm taking the kid and getting the hell out of here.
SOCIAL WORKER: She's not here.
MICHAEL: Why am I not shocked. WHERE. IS. SHE?
SECRET GREEN RECOVERY ROOM
AVA: I miss my babies! I ache for them!
SILAS: I know you do. I'm sorry.
AVA: What to do next, Ava Jerome, what to do next?
SILAS: I've got some bad news for you, Ava.
AVA: What do you mean, bad news?
SILAS: Your days are numbered.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Zacchara-ed
That's what Maxie accuses Spinelli of doing and it means making someone privy to an illegal activity, like when Johnny asked Maxie help him skip town. Spinelli isn't the only one Zacchara-ing on today's show. Ava, by showing up at her mom's bar, Zacchara-ed her mother. Ava, being on the run from the law because she's alive and the cops don't know it, engaged in said Zacchara-ing in order to see Crypt Baby Avery. Silas wants to prevent Ava from Zacchara-ing Kiki as well. Avery knows Mama Ava's still breathing too, but since she's, what, four months old, she's below the age limit for being a Zacchara-ee.
By the way, Luke Mike Tysoned (it's only Van Goghing when you do it to yourself) Scott Baldwin, further proof that he's more bonkers than Franco, Nina, and Heather put together.
DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT
MAXIE: Spinelli, what are you doing here? I came here to see LULU, not YOU-YOU.
SPINELLI: It is a most fortuitous meeting, Maximista. Perhaps you are here to confess your residual feelings for me?
MAXIE: Will you please shut up about that, Spinelli! I am SO not still in love with you. I love NATHAN now. NATHAN is my boyfriend. What are you doing here anyway?
SPINELLI: I'm assisting Lulu and Tracy in their search for answers about Luke Spencer. I've exhausted all the legal channels--
MAXIE: STOP there! I will NOT be a part of anything illegal. You're Zacchara-ing me!
SPINELLI: If I don't show you any illegal searches, does that mean I have a chance with you?
MAXIE: You HAD your chance, Spinelli, but you chose Ellie.
SPINELLI: Would THIS change your mind? kisses Maxie
COURTHOUSE
RIC: I call conflict of interest. You're getting your groove on with the petitioner's grandmother!
JUDGE WALTERS: And you are your client's BROTHER, so there! I rule in favor of Michael Quartermaine. Now where's the kid?
SONNY: Ummmm
JUDGE WALTERS: I can't heeeeeaaaaar you!
SONNY: She's at home with the nanny.
CARLY: Liar! She's in New York with Morgan!
SONNY: Michael's not taking my daughter away from me.
HOSPITAL
TRACY: I never thought I'd feel sorry for Scott Baldwin. Luke has really gone off the deep end.
LULU: Is Scott going to press charges?
TRACY: Not before my husband gets the help he needs.
BOBBIE: Sorry about your ear, Scott. Had I known my brother had turned into a rottweiler, I would have made sure he wore a muzzle. But he's a sick, sick puppy...I mean man. Something is very wrong inside my brother's brain.
SCOTT: You can say that again! He BIT MY EAR OFF!!!!!
BOBBIE: To be fair, the doctors reattached it.
RYAN'S BAR
AVA: Hello Mother!
DELIA: Crap, now I'm seeing ghosts. You sing one Irish wake song...
AVA: Nice to see you too, Mom. It's me, Ava. In the flesh.
DELIA: It can't be! You were shot and fell off a bridge. How can you be alive?
AVA: Someone saved, someone saved, someone saved, someone saved my life that night!
SILAS: That would be me. Ava, what are you doing out of the Secret Green Recovery Room?
AVA: I had to eavesdrop on my own wake. I wanted to hear nice things being said about me. That and see my adorable Crypt Baby Avery!
SILAS: Look, I get that you missed your kid, but you have brought one more party into our Ring of Secrecy. I believe Port Chuckles has a slang term for that: Zacchara-ing. You just Zacchara-ed your mother and I'll be damned if I let the two of your Zacchara Kiki too.
SHADYBROOK
NINA: Marco
FRANCO: Polo
NINA: Marco
FRANCO: Polo
NINA: JAY
FRANCO: You're supposed to say MARCO!
NATHAN: Nina, make new friends.
FRANCO: That's not nice.
NATHAN: I thought Franco wasn't lucid. I thought the LSD made him crazy. I mean, crazier than before.
FRANCO: Crazy. I was crazy once. They put me in a rubber room. I died in that room. They buried me with the rats. Rats, they drive me crazy. Crazy, I was crazy once...
NATHAN: Like I said, sister-cousin, Make. New. Friends.
DANTE: Time to go to your cage, Luke. You wouldn't be able to harm any of my loved ones chained to a bed. See you, wouldn't want to be you.
FRANCO: reading paper Dammit! That maniac bit my dad's ear off! He's gotta pay! Which way to the lion's cages?
By the way, Luke Mike Tysoned (it's only Van Goghing when you do it to yourself) Scott Baldwin, further proof that he's more bonkers than Franco, Nina, and Heather put together.
DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT
MAXIE: Spinelli, what are you doing here? I came here to see LULU, not YOU-YOU.
SPINELLI: It is a most fortuitous meeting, Maximista. Perhaps you are here to confess your residual feelings for me?
MAXIE: Will you please shut up about that, Spinelli! I am SO not still in love with you. I love NATHAN now. NATHAN is my boyfriend. What are you doing here anyway?
SPINELLI: I'm assisting Lulu and Tracy in their search for answers about Luke Spencer. I've exhausted all the legal channels--
MAXIE: STOP there! I will NOT be a part of anything illegal. You're Zacchara-ing me!
SPINELLI: If I don't show you any illegal searches, does that mean I have a chance with you?
MAXIE: You HAD your chance, Spinelli, but you chose Ellie.
SPINELLI: Would THIS change your mind? kisses Maxie
COURTHOUSE
RIC: I call conflict of interest. You're getting your groove on with the petitioner's grandmother!
JUDGE WALTERS: And you are your client's BROTHER, so there! I rule in favor of Michael Quartermaine. Now where's the kid?
SONNY: Ummmm
JUDGE WALTERS: I can't heeeeeaaaaar you!
SONNY: She's at home with the nanny.
CARLY: Liar! She's in New York with Morgan!
SONNY: Michael's not taking my daughter away from me.
HOSPITAL
TRACY: I never thought I'd feel sorry for Scott Baldwin. Luke has really gone off the deep end.
LULU: Is Scott going to press charges?
TRACY: Not before my husband gets the help he needs.
BOBBIE: Sorry about your ear, Scott. Had I known my brother had turned into a rottweiler, I would have made sure he wore a muzzle. But he's a sick, sick puppy...I mean man. Something is very wrong inside my brother's brain.
SCOTT: You can say that again! He BIT MY EAR OFF!!!!!
BOBBIE: To be fair, the doctors reattached it.
RYAN'S BAR
AVA: Hello Mother!
DELIA: Crap, now I'm seeing ghosts. You sing one Irish wake song...
AVA: Nice to see you too, Mom. It's me, Ava. In the flesh.
DELIA: It can't be! You were shot and fell off a bridge. How can you be alive?
AVA: Someone saved, someone saved, someone saved, someone saved my life that night!
SILAS: That would be me. Ava, what are you doing out of the Secret Green Recovery Room?
AVA: I had to eavesdrop on my own wake. I wanted to hear nice things being said about me. That and see my adorable Crypt Baby Avery!
SILAS: Look, I get that you missed your kid, but you have brought one more party into our Ring of Secrecy. I believe Port Chuckles has a slang term for that: Zacchara-ing. You just Zacchara-ed your mother and I'll be damned if I let the two of your Zacchara Kiki too.
SHADYBROOK
NINA: Marco
FRANCO: Polo
NINA: Marco
FRANCO: Polo
NINA: JAY
FRANCO: You're supposed to say MARCO!
NATHAN: Nina, make new friends.
FRANCO: That's not nice.
NATHAN: I thought Franco wasn't lucid. I thought the LSD made him crazy. I mean, crazier than before.
FRANCO: Crazy. I was crazy once. They put me in a rubber room. I died in that room. They buried me with the rats. Rats, they drive me crazy. Crazy, I was crazy once...
NATHAN: Like I said, sister-cousin, Make. New. Friends.
DANTE: Time to go to your cage, Luke. You wouldn't be able to harm any of my loved ones chained to a bed. See you, wouldn't want to be you.
FRANCO: reading paper Dammit! That maniac bit my dad's ear off! He's gotta pay! Which way to the lion's cages?
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Memorial Crashin'
Yes, Ava crashed her own memorial service, incognito as a homeless person. Maura West played it perfectly, as Ava watched her loved ones pay her homage and watched Kiki break down. How cute was Avery's "Mute Button" binky? Okay, maybe not quite as cute as Avery herself. That baby is so cute she needs a warning label.
RYAN'S BAR
JULIAN: Ava was the little sis I grew up not knowing, but as I got to know her, I came to appreciate how badass she really was.
AVA: silently Damn straight I'm badass!
KIKI: Even though my mother lied to me about who my dad was, I forgave her because, who on a soap opera doesn't lie to a kid about who their parents are, right? OMG, I can't take it anymore. I MISS YOU MOM!
AVA: silently Oh, Kiki! I want to throw my arms around you and hug you and kiss you but I can't because of Silas and Sonny and the PCPD.
MORGAN: Yeah, Ava and me hooked up because Kiki dumped me for my brother, but we're cool now. She also murdered my dad's girlfriend, which made things complicated. Still, we had some good times in the sack.
AVA: silently I'd drink to that...if I weren't in disguise as a homeless person, crashing my own memorial service.
DELIA: I sure regret giving Ava up for adoption as a baby, but I had another soap to be on at the time and, well, that's how things go sometimes. But I did help her try to escape Sonny Corinthos when he was holding her prisoner in his house.
AVA: silently See you later, mother.
COURTHOUSE
RIC: No fair switching judges!
SONNY: Yeah, no fair!
JUDGE WALTERS: Grow up, boys! Maxie Jones sounds more mature than you right now.
MICHAEL: silently Thank you, grandmother.
JUDGE WALTERS: Mr. Corinthos, you're up. Swear on the Bible while I bite my tongue to avoid laughing.
SONNY: Michael, my golden boy, I still love you even though you are trying to take my daughter away from me. I will always love you and favor you over all other children, including Avery.
ALEXIS: You can still change your mind, Michael.
MICHAEL: Stares vindictively.
Q MANSION
TRACY: Guess who's babysitting Danny today? Soon, he'll have another little Quartermaine to play with.
NED: How did you know Olivia's pregnant?
TRACY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT??????
HOSPITAL
SLOANE: So, have you made up your mind, Mr. Doe?
JAKESON: It's not like I have much of a choice. I'll be your snitch.
SLOANE: Informant, Mr. Doe. You will be my informant in the Jerome organization. Julian Jerome is going DOWN! Uh oh, your keeper's here. Keep this on the down-low.
LIZ: Commissioner Sloane, can't you see HE'S RECOVERING FROM BRAIN SURGERY! BRAIN. SURGERY.
SLOANE: Take a chill pill, nurse. I'm dropping the charges against your boy toy. He's a free man. See you soon, Mr. Doe, and I mean SOON.
LIZ: That was suspiciously easy.
JAKESON: Are you here to play Wheel of Women, Uhlizabeth?
BOSTON
NIKOLAS: I have something to tell you, Sam
SAM: OMG, I have been talking about myself and Jake this whole time! So if what you have to tell me is "Shut up, Sam" I will totally shut my trap.
NURSE: Mr. Cassadine, Spencer needs you.
Q MANSION
TRACY: You have a thing for getting Bensonhurst women pregnant, Ned.
NED: Olivia is a lovely woman. Besides, I thought you already knew. What other new little Quartermaine were you talking about?
TRACY: Avery. Monica pulled a fast one and got her boyfriend Judge Walters to take over the custody hearing. Michael should be bringing little Avery home today.
NED: You sound confident.
TRACY: What part of Judge Walters is Monica's Boyfriend did you not understand?
NED: Quartermaines 1: Sonny Corinthos: nada!
TRACY: That's more like it. You know I'm not the cookie-baking grandmotherly sort, but I like the pitter-patter of new little Quartermaine feet.
RYAN'S BAR
KIKI: I need some air. Morgan, let's take a walk.
SILAS: I need to get back to my Mystery Patient.
KIKI: Thanks for coming, Dad!
SILAS: I wouldn't miss it, sweetheart.
DELIA: I guess it's just you and me, Avery. Nice binky, by the way. How about I sing you a lullaby about your cousin. Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling...
AVA: Guess who!
RYAN'S BAR
JULIAN: Ava was the little sis I grew up not knowing, but as I got to know her, I came to appreciate how badass she really was.
AVA: silently Damn straight I'm badass!
KIKI: Even though my mother lied to me about who my dad was, I forgave her because, who on a soap opera doesn't lie to a kid about who their parents are, right? OMG, I can't take it anymore. I MISS YOU MOM!
AVA: silently Oh, Kiki! I want to throw my arms around you and hug you and kiss you but I can't because of Silas and Sonny and the PCPD.
MORGAN: Yeah, Ava and me hooked up because Kiki dumped me for my brother, but we're cool now. She also murdered my dad's girlfriend, which made things complicated. Still, we had some good times in the sack.
AVA: silently I'd drink to that...if I weren't in disguise as a homeless person, crashing my own memorial service.
DELIA: I sure regret giving Ava up for adoption as a baby, but I had another soap to be on at the time and, well, that's how things go sometimes. But I did help her try to escape Sonny Corinthos when he was holding her prisoner in his house.
AVA: silently See you later, mother.
COURTHOUSE
RIC: No fair switching judges!
SONNY: Yeah, no fair!
JUDGE WALTERS: Grow up, boys! Maxie Jones sounds more mature than you right now.
MICHAEL: silently Thank you, grandmother.
JUDGE WALTERS: Mr. Corinthos, you're up. Swear on the Bible while I bite my tongue to avoid laughing.
SONNY: Michael, my golden boy, I still love you even though you are trying to take my daughter away from me. I will always love you and favor you over all other children, including Avery.
ALEXIS: You can still change your mind, Michael.
MICHAEL: Stares vindictively.
Q MANSION
TRACY: Guess who's babysitting Danny today? Soon, he'll have another little Quartermaine to play with.
NED: How did you know Olivia's pregnant?
TRACY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT??????
HOSPITAL
SLOANE: So, have you made up your mind, Mr. Doe?
JAKESON: It's not like I have much of a choice. I'll be your snitch.
SLOANE: Informant, Mr. Doe. You will be my informant in the Jerome organization. Julian Jerome is going DOWN! Uh oh, your keeper's here. Keep this on the down-low.
LIZ: Commissioner Sloane, can't you see HE'S RECOVERING FROM BRAIN SURGERY! BRAIN. SURGERY.
SLOANE: Take a chill pill, nurse. I'm dropping the charges against your boy toy. He's a free man. See you soon, Mr. Doe, and I mean SOON.
LIZ: That was suspiciously easy.
JAKESON: Are you here to play Wheel of Women, Uhlizabeth?
BOSTON
NIKOLAS: I have something to tell you, Sam
SAM: OMG, I have been talking about myself and Jake this whole time! So if what you have to tell me is "Shut up, Sam" I will totally shut my trap.
NURSE: Mr. Cassadine, Spencer needs you.
Q MANSION
TRACY: You have a thing for getting Bensonhurst women pregnant, Ned.
NED: Olivia is a lovely woman. Besides, I thought you already knew. What other new little Quartermaine were you talking about?
TRACY: Avery. Monica pulled a fast one and got her boyfriend Judge Walters to take over the custody hearing. Michael should be bringing little Avery home today.
NED: You sound confident.
TRACY: What part of Judge Walters is Monica's Boyfriend did you not understand?
NED: Quartermaines 1: Sonny Corinthos: nada!
TRACY: That's more like it. You know I'm not the cookie-baking grandmotherly sort, but I like the pitter-patter of new little Quartermaine feet.
RYAN'S BAR
KIKI: I need some air. Morgan, let's take a walk.
SILAS: I need to get back to my Mystery Patient.
KIKI: Thanks for coming, Dad!
SILAS: I wouldn't miss it, sweetheart.
DELIA: I guess it's just you and me, Avery. Nice binky, by the way. How about I sing you a lullaby about your cousin. Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling...
AVA: Guess who!
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Revolving Door
Is Jakeson Dorgan the most popular patient EVER at GH? He has THREE women obsessed with him and a greasy police commissioner wanting him to be his undercover snitch. In the Big Apple, Delia has her bar decked out for Ava's memorial service, which we knew Ava would crash, even though she could barely get out of her hospital bed. In court, Alexis tries to talk Michael out of continuing, but fails and Michael pulls off a judge switcheroo mid-hearing to boot.
RYAN'S BAR
DELIA: Is Morgan coming to the memorial?
KIKI: He's coming. So is my uncle Julian, Mom's half-brother.
DELIA: How about Silas?
KIKI: If he can tear himself away from his Mystery Patient.
SECRET GREEN RECOVERY ROOM
AVA: Silas, you are the absolute best Silas that I know. Thank you for saving my life and not sending me back to Pentonville. Can we at least tell Kiki I'm not dead?
SILAS: I hate lying to our kid, but if we tell her, we get her in the same crapload of trouble we're in if anyone finds out about this Secret Green Recovery Room. Cell phone rings I've gotta take this.
HOSPITAL
JAKESON: Well, come on in Carly. You're the next contestant on Jake's Wheel O' Women!
CARLY: So I overheard you talking to the cops. What's up?
JAKESON: I'm asking the questions here, Ma'am. I'm the host of the show.
CARLY: Yeah, so can I choose What Does Sloane Want From You for 1,000,?
JAKESON: Here's the clue, and remember to phrase your answer in the form of a question: The Police Commissioner will free Jake Doe from charges as long as he does this.
CARLY: What the hell are you talking about?
JAKESON: That is incorrect. The correct answer is What is working undercover for the Jerome Organization? Pick again. Remember, vowels cost $250.
KELLY'S
MORGAN: Hey Dad, can I borrow the little sister for a day? I promise to return her washed, filled up, and without a scratch. Ava's memorial service is today in NYC and Avery needs to say goodbye to her mom.
SONNY: I don't know about this, Morgan. It's not like she'll know what's going on and, well, you know I hated Ava's guts for murdering Connie.
MORGAN: Please, Dad! Pretty please with a cherry on top? It's for Kiki. She could have sued you for custody too but unlike a stupid brother who shall remain nameless, decided not to.
SONNY: Okay, but don't let her stay up late watching reruns of Tales from The Crypt.
COURTHOUSE
RIC: I kicked your ass on the stand today, Michael, so my advice is to fold your tent and concede Avery to Sonny.
ALEXIS: I object to you badgering my client, Ric. If you're bored, go get some herbal tea and solve the sudoku puzzle in today's Port Chuckles Press.
MICHAEL: I have no intention of giving up my quest to stick it to Sonny...oh and keep Avery safe from stray bullets too.
SECRET GREEN RECOVERY ROOM
SILAS: It's Kiki.
AVA: Put her on speaker! I'll be as quiet as a mouse.
SILAS: Fine. Kiki, where are you?
KIKI: I'm at Mom's memorial service. Can you come or do you have to stay with your Top Secret Patient?
SILAS: I am in New York and isn't the service in Port Chuckles?
KIKI: No, change of venue, courtesy of my grandmother. It's at Ryan's bar. Can you come. It would mean a lot to mom.
AVA: to herself Yes, it would mean a whole lot to mom if you showed up so I can sneak out of here and crash my own funeral, Tom Sawyer-style.
SILAS: I'll be there.
COURTHOUSE
JULIAN: Hey, Sonny. So are we friends now, enemies, or are we going to settle for frenemies?
SONNY: That depends. Are you getting your ducks in a row for a takeover of this town?
JULIAN: Yeah, kinda. We owned this place before you took over.
SONNY: That's cute. I've owned it for the past 20 years and I'll own it for the next 20.
RYAN'S BAR
KIKI: Avery! You've gotten SO BIG! OMG, Morgan, thanks for bringing her!
SILAS: Hi Kiki! Avery's here?
KIKI: Um, hello! Didn't you get my text?
SILAS: Dang it! Never let top secret patients play with your phone!
AVA: outside Nice turnout! And there's my little girl, just a window away!
COURTHOUSE
ALEXIS: Michael, as your lawyer, I advise you to quit while you still have the chance to salvage a relationship with your family. If you continue, you can kiss your parents goodbye and deprive your little sister of her family. That and you have a 99.9% chance of losing this and if you lose, I lose.
MICHAEL: I WON'T BACK DOWN! And I scrapped the judge from yesterday. Monica called in some favors.
RYAN'S BAR
DELIA: Is Morgan coming to the memorial?
KIKI: He's coming. So is my uncle Julian, Mom's half-brother.
DELIA: How about Silas?
KIKI: If he can tear himself away from his Mystery Patient.
SECRET GREEN RECOVERY ROOM
AVA: Silas, you are the absolute best Silas that I know. Thank you for saving my life and not sending me back to Pentonville. Can we at least tell Kiki I'm not dead?
SILAS: I hate lying to our kid, but if we tell her, we get her in the same crapload of trouble we're in if anyone finds out about this Secret Green Recovery Room. Cell phone rings I've gotta take this.
HOSPITAL
JAKESON: Well, come on in Carly. You're the next contestant on Jake's Wheel O' Women!
CARLY: So I overheard you talking to the cops. What's up?
JAKESON: I'm asking the questions here, Ma'am. I'm the host of the show.
CARLY: Yeah, so can I choose What Does Sloane Want From You for 1,000,?
JAKESON: Here's the clue, and remember to phrase your answer in the form of a question: The Police Commissioner will free Jake Doe from charges as long as he does this.
CARLY: What the hell are you talking about?
JAKESON: That is incorrect. The correct answer is What is working undercover for the Jerome Organization? Pick again. Remember, vowels cost $250.
KELLY'S
MORGAN: Hey Dad, can I borrow the little sister for a day? I promise to return her washed, filled up, and without a scratch. Ava's memorial service is today in NYC and Avery needs to say goodbye to her mom.
SONNY: I don't know about this, Morgan. It's not like she'll know what's going on and, well, you know I hated Ava's guts for murdering Connie.
MORGAN: Please, Dad! Pretty please with a cherry on top? It's for Kiki. She could have sued you for custody too but unlike a stupid brother who shall remain nameless, decided not to.
SONNY: Okay, but don't let her stay up late watching reruns of Tales from The Crypt.
COURTHOUSE
RIC: I kicked your ass on the stand today, Michael, so my advice is to fold your tent and concede Avery to Sonny.
ALEXIS: I object to you badgering my client, Ric. If you're bored, go get some herbal tea and solve the sudoku puzzle in today's Port Chuckles Press.
MICHAEL: I have no intention of giving up my quest to stick it to Sonny...oh and keep Avery safe from stray bullets too.
SECRET GREEN RECOVERY ROOM
SILAS: It's Kiki.
AVA: Put her on speaker! I'll be as quiet as a mouse.
SILAS: Fine. Kiki, where are you?
KIKI: I'm at Mom's memorial service. Can you come or do you have to stay with your Top Secret Patient?
SILAS: I am in New York and isn't the service in Port Chuckles?
KIKI: No, change of venue, courtesy of my grandmother. It's at Ryan's bar. Can you come. It would mean a lot to mom.
AVA: to herself Yes, it would mean a whole lot to mom if you showed up so I can sneak out of here and crash my own funeral, Tom Sawyer-style.
SILAS: I'll be there.
COURTHOUSE
JULIAN: Hey, Sonny. So are we friends now, enemies, or are we going to settle for frenemies?
SONNY: That depends. Are you getting your ducks in a row for a takeover of this town?
JULIAN: Yeah, kinda. We owned this place before you took over.
SONNY: That's cute. I've owned it for the past 20 years and I'll own it for the next 20.
RYAN'S BAR
KIKI: Avery! You've gotten SO BIG! OMG, Morgan, thanks for bringing her!
SILAS: Hi Kiki! Avery's here?
KIKI: Um, hello! Didn't you get my text?
SILAS: Dang it! Never let top secret patients play with your phone!
AVA: outside Nice turnout! And there's my little girl, just a window away!
COURTHOUSE
ALEXIS: Michael, as your lawyer, I advise you to quit while you still have the chance to salvage a relationship with your family. If you continue, you can kiss your parents goodbye and deprive your little sister of her family. That and you have a 99.9% chance of losing this and if you lose, I lose.
MICHAEL: I WON'T BACK DOWN! And I scrapped the judge from yesterday. Monica called in some favors.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Fakeout
Franco's long strange LSD trip was another piece of performance art and Nina's pissed at him. Ric gets a couple of lawyer slams in on Michael in Crypt Baby Avery's custody hearing. Julian and Carlos have it out, then decide to bury the hatchet and rejoin forces. Sloane has a job for Jake. Nik updates Liz on Spencer's condition. Ava wants out of the Secret Green Recovery Room.
SHADYBROOK
FRANCO: By the way, Nina, all the LSD hallucinations and crazy talk--I totes faked it. You faked crazy. I faked crazy. Now we're even.
NINA: We are SO not even and I'm ALL KINDS OF PISSED AT YOU right now. Liar, liar pants on fire!
FRANCO: Aw, come on Nina Anne McPhyllis! You were so into my performance art.
NINA: Yeah, about that...I was about to be FREE and I faked a nutter in a COURTHOUSE so I could get sent back here to be with YOU! By the way, Bionic Baby Jaime says hi.
FRANCO: And I lied for YOU. Even Steven. Just be happy I didn't call you Steven. Hows about we forget all this pissed-offedness and make out.
NINA: Okay, but only once. Then I have to work on forgiving you.
COURTHOUSE
RIC: So Michael, you profess to be this squeaky-clean Mr. Rogers type who is a far better option to raise the adorable Crypt Baby Avery than my client.
MICHAEL: Vindictive stare at Sonny
AVERY: I object!
JUDGE: Will someone escort the world's youngest attorney out of the courtroom? Minimum age to represent a client in Port Charles is six months.
RIC: Do you recall a certain incident in, what, 2009, when, after you put on your cardigan and freshly polished shoes, took an axe and MURDERED CLAUDIA ZACCHARA? Yes, that makes you an axe murderer, Michael Quartermaine. Would anyone in this courtroom agree to allow their child to be raised by AN AXE MURDERER???
ALEXIS: Objection, your honor. This case is taking too long and Julian's keeping the bed warm.
JUDGE: Overruled. Continue, Mr. Lansing.
RIC: Michael, you were rather peeved that Sonny Corinthos shot your biological father, were you not? Upon hearing of his pardoning, you felt that justice was not served. Where was your interest in your baby sister when Kiki Jerome was caring for her? I rest my case. By the way, you're an ungrateful bastard because Sonny saved your sorry life when he took a ticking bomb from your hands.
GREEN ROOM
AVA: OMG, CARLY is holding my baby and pretending to be her mother! I've gotta get out of here and wrench Avery out of that bitch's hands!
SILAS: I'm sorry, Ava, but going back to Port Charles is too big a risk.
AVA: Can I at least call Julian?
SILAS: Nah. Not a good idea. The less people who know you're alive, the better.
AVA: What about you, Silas. Are you going to send me back to the hoosegow once I've recovered?
SILAS: No. I'm sorta kinda still in love with you.
AVA: So what's next? Am I supposed to just live my life while whoever raises Avery poisons her against me?
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
JULIAN: Carlos, you sister-killing rat bastard, you've gotta DIE!
CARLOS: I just shot her, man. I didn't push her over a bridge.
JULIAN: Don't split hairs. I'm still gonna kill you.
CARLOS: Julian, we were friends, man! You gonna kill an old friend? Whaddaya say we let bygones be bygones and team up again? You want to take over The Chuckles? You need the muscle and that's me. Carrrrrrrrlos Rivera.
JULIAN: Yeah, okay, as long as you've got that working for Luke Spencer thing out of your system you could be useful.
HOSPITAL
JAKE: What do you mean "Maybe Ric does have to worry about me"? Does that mean you're into me?
LIZ: I could be. You are next in the queue.
SLOANE: Sorry to crash the party, but I need a word with Mr. Doe.
LIZ: I don't think so. He's recovering from BRAIN SURGERY. Do you know what BRAIN SURGERY is?
SLOANE: Are all the nurses like this?
LIZ: Do all the police commissioners have greasy hair?
SLOANE: This is official police business so find some other patients. There have to be other sick people here and you're the only nurse I see so scram.
LIZ: I'm gonna tell Dr. O on you and she's gonna speak some angry German at you and dress up like a Krampus, so I'd watch out if I were you.
SLOANE: Here's the deal, Jake. You're free as long as you go undercover with the Jeromes.
JAKE: You want me to be a snitch?
SLOANE: Basically, yeah. I got in a ring with Scott Baldwin on your behalf so if you don't keep me posted on Julian's return to mob life, you're going to P-ville for a long, long time.
LIZ: Here comes Obrecht and she's wearing the suit.
SHADYBROOK
FRANCO: By the way, Nina, all the LSD hallucinations and crazy talk--I totes faked it. You faked crazy. I faked crazy. Now we're even.
NINA: We are SO not even and I'm ALL KINDS OF PISSED AT YOU right now. Liar, liar pants on fire!
FRANCO: Aw, come on Nina Anne McPhyllis! You were so into my performance art.
NINA: Yeah, about that...I was about to be FREE and I faked a nutter in a COURTHOUSE so I could get sent back here to be with YOU! By the way, Bionic Baby Jaime says hi.
FRANCO: And I lied for YOU. Even Steven. Just be happy I didn't call you Steven. Hows about we forget all this pissed-offedness and make out.
NINA: Okay, but only once. Then I have to work on forgiving you.
COURTHOUSE
RIC: So Michael, you profess to be this squeaky-clean Mr. Rogers type who is a far better option to raise the adorable Crypt Baby Avery than my client.
MICHAEL: Vindictive stare at Sonny
AVERY: I object!
JUDGE: Will someone escort the world's youngest attorney out of the courtroom? Minimum age to represent a client in Port Charles is six months.
RIC: Do you recall a certain incident in, what, 2009, when, after you put on your cardigan and freshly polished shoes, took an axe and MURDERED CLAUDIA ZACCHARA? Yes, that makes you an axe murderer, Michael Quartermaine. Would anyone in this courtroom agree to allow their child to be raised by AN AXE MURDERER???
ALEXIS: Objection, your honor. This case is taking too long and Julian's keeping the bed warm.
JUDGE: Overruled. Continue, Mr. Lansing.
RIC: Michael, you were rather peeved that Sonny Corinthos shot your biological father, were you not? Upon hearing of his pardoning, you felt that justice was not served. Where was your interest in your baby sister when Kiki Jerome was caring for her? I rest my case. By the way, you're an ungrateful bastard because Sonny saved your sorry life when he took a ticking bomb from your hands.
GREEN ROOM
AVA: OMG, CARLY is holding my baby and pretending to be her mother! I've gotta get out of here and wrench Avery out of that bitch's hands!
SILAS: I'm sorry, Ava, but going back to Port Charles is too big a risk.
AVA: Can I at least call Julian?
SILAS: Nah. Not a good idea. The less people who know you're alive, the better.
AVA: What about you, Silas. Are you going to send me back to the hoosegow once I've recovered?
SILAS: No. I'm sorta kinda still in love with you.
AVA: So what's next? Am I supposed to just live my life while whoever raises Avery poisons her against me?
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
JULIAN: Carlos, you sister-killing rat bastard, you've gotta DIE!
CARLOS: I just shot her, man. I didn't push her over a bridge.
JULIAN: Don't split hairs. I'm still gonna kill you.
CARLOS: Julian, we were friends, man! You gonna kill an old friend? Whaddaya say we let bygones be bygones and team up again? You want to take over The Chuckles? You need the muscle and that's me. Carrrrrrrrlos Rivera.
JULIAN: Yeah, okay, as long as you've got that working for Luke Spencer thing out of your system you could be useful.
HOSPITAL
JAKE: What do you mean "Maybe Ric does have to worry about me"? Does that mean you're into me?
LIZ: I could be. You are next in the queue.
SLOANE: Sorry to crash the party, but I need a word with Mr. Doe.
LIZ: I don't think so. He's recovering from BRAIN SURGERY. Do you know what BRAIN SURGERY is?
SLOANE: Are all the nurses like this?
LIZ: Do all the police commissioners have greasy hair?
SLOANE: This is official police business so find some other patients. There have to be other sick people here and you're the only nurse I see so scram.
LIZ: I'm gonna tell Dr. O on you and she's gonna speak some angry German at you and dress up like a Krampus, so I'd watch out if I were you.
SLOANE: Here's the deal, Jake. You're free as long as you go undercover with the Jeromes.
JAKE: You want me to be a snitch?
SLOANE: Basically, yeah. I got in a ring with Scott Baldwin on your behalf so if you don't keep me posted on Julian's return to mob life, you're going to P-ville for a long, long time.
LIZ: Here comes Obrecht and she's wearing the suit.
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