Johnny The Fugitive wants to crash on the Haunted Star for awhile because life gets lonely on the run from the law. Jason confronts a panicked Liz about her lies. Sabrina gives advice to Patrick before meeting up with Michael and Felix at The Floating Rib. Patrick calls it quits with Sam, who begs him to reconsider. Olivia chews Dante out for giving up on his marriage to Lulu.
HAUNTED STAR
JOHNNY: The fugitive life ain't what it's cracked up to be, Lulu. I'm desperate for human companionship. Whaddaya say I hang out on this here boat for awhile?
LULU: You want me to harbor a fugitive?
JOHNNY: So, unleash this puppy and you won't be in the harbor with said fugitive.
LULU: You're hilarious, Johnny.
DILLON: Lulu? Are you still mad at me?
LIZ'S HOUSE
JAKE: Where's Daddy? I can't sleep and I want him to tell me that Little Motorcycle That Could story again.
LIZ: Daddy was feeling like a late night Slurpee, so he went to 7-Eleven. He'll be back soon.
THE TRUTH: Has lying to your kid become THAT EASY for you?
JAKE: Did he get one for me too? Whatever Daddy wants, I want too. I'm kinda obsessed with him.
LIZ: I know the feeling.
PATRICK & SAM'S HOUSE
JASON: Start talking, Sam.
SAM: Elizabeth knew you were Jason because when you proposed to her, she went to cry in the chapel and when I asked her why she couldn't marry you, she said it was because of me. Oh and Jake told Danny that his mommy had a big huge ginormous secret that his grandma said involved you. When I asked Laura, she got all squirmy, which basically seals the deal.
JASON: This is the part where I ask for proof. Present your evidence, counselor.
SAM: My MOM is the lawyer, Jason, not me. All I know is that I'm right, Elizabeth is lying and you have a right to know the truth.
THE TRUTH: To know me is to love me. Or is it to deny me? Whatever it is, I shall set you free.
JASON: Are you sure you're not just trying to break me and Elizabeth up so I'll come running back to you and magically remember EVERYTHING? What about ol' Paddy boy?
SAM: I just told you the truth. Do what you want with it.
HOSPITAL
MICHAEL: Where's Dr. Lee, Felix? I need to ask him why my baby is so HUMONGOUS.
FELIX: Where's Sabrina? Shouldn't she want to know about her gigantic baby just as much as you do?
MICHAEL: She's been dodging questions about where the Plus Size Baby department is at Wyndhams. I'm meeting her over at the rib. Wanna come with?
DANTE'S APARTMENT
VALERIE: It was such an adrenaline rush sneaking out of Kelly's like that. Let's have sex. We don't have to wait for another holiday you know.
DANTE: Phew! I was thinking I can't keep it zipped another two weeks.
OLIVIA: Knock knock!
VALERIE: You ordered pizza? I like a guy with a big appetite.
OLIVIA: It's your mama, Dante. Open up if you wanna see your kid.
VALERIE: I'll go hide in a corner and listen in like they do on Southwest General.
FLOATING RIB
SABRINA: Remember me?
PATRICK: Hey, Sabrina. Remember how Robin came bursting through the church doors on our wedding and how I callously dumped you for a woman who was going to leave me to cure ebola-slash-unfreeze Jason and a couple crooked Cassadines?
SABRINA: I knew I was history the moment Emma screamed "Mommy"
PATRICK: Well, the shoe's on the other foot now with Sam and Jason and I'm the one who's history.
SABRINA: Maybe I can find a nice female Quartermaine to set you up with.
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: Are we still unfriends?
LULU: Nah, all you did was point me to the truth.
THE TRUTH: See? Everyone wants a piece of me!
DILLON: How are things going with Dante The Cheater?
LULU: We're so finished because he can't stop banging you-know-who.
DILLON: Yeah, that sucks...for you. By the way, I'm moving back to LA after Christmas because, you know, director's gotta direct.
LULU: Bummer. I think I'll actually miss you.
JOHNNY: (dropping something while hiding behind the bar) CLANK
DILLON: What was THAT?
DANTE'S APARTMENT
OLIVIA: So, have you made up with Lulu yet?
DANTE: Three words, Ma. Not. Gonna. Happen.
OLIVIA: Dante Angelo Falconeri, you better get back together with Lulu or I'll sic Heather Webber on you. And withhold the cannolis.
DANTE: She served me papers, Ma. She's moving on and so am I.
OLIVIA: You aren't seeing that homewrecking slut of a cousin of hers, are you?
VALERIE: (hiding behind a wall) Ouch!
DANTE: Be nice, Ma.
OLIVIA: I was. There were choicer words I could've used.
PATRICK & SAM'S HOUSE
PATRICK: You know, Sam, you've gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em and I'm folding.
SAM: But...but...I really am still in love with you...when I'm not obsessing over Jason.
FLOATING RIB
FELIX: Heads up, Bri: Michael was trying to pry information out of Dr. Lee about the hugeness of your baby.
SABRINA: OMG! If he talks to Dr. Lee, he'll find out Carrrrrrrrrrrrlos is the father of my baby.
FELIX: Better for him to find out now than when the baby comes out rolling his or her r's.
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: What the hell is this dude doing here?
JOHNNY: I could ask you the same question, pretty boy.
DANTE'S APARTMENT
VALERIE: Rocco's feeling warm.
DANTE: Crap! He's got the Baby Uncle Leo sickness. I've gotta run and get him some meds.
OLIVIA: Knock knock
VALERIE: (Opens door. Sees Olivia instead of Dante) CRAP!
LIZ'S HOUSE
JASON: Did you know who I was, Elizabeth?
LIZ: I love you, Jason. I love you and you love me and the boys and we're one big happy family.
JASON: Did you know?
LIZ: I took you in when you were a stray amnesiac from the hospital with a new face and a Cassadine mind control chip in your head.
JASON: DID. YOU. KNOW?
LIZ: Don't believe that troublemaking, jealous shrew Sam. She's just pissed that you don't remember being married to her.
JASON: DAMMIT ELIZABETH ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION! DID YOU KNOW I WAS JASON BEFORE I KNEW I WAS JASON?
LIZ: YES!
THE TRUTH: Free at last! Free at last! Booyah!
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!
Johnny Z's back and at Lulu's service. Jason tells Sam to get lost, but isn't ready to dismiss what she has to say about Liz. Nathan urges Dante to stop seeing Valerie while Bobbie cautions Valerie about what could happen if she keeps seeing Dante. Patrick is pissed when Sam can't let go of Liz's lying to Jason. Nikolas and Hayden are still not sure they can trust each other.
HAUNTED STAR
LULU: Maxie, which Christmas decorations make the best murder weapons?
MAXIE: Well, there's strangulation by Christmas lights, bludgeoning by giant candy cane, or being an adult and not taking revenge at all.
LULU: Since when are YOU an adult?
MAXIE: Ha ha. Remember how you have a kid named Rocco? As far as I know, Judge Walters is still on the bench. Just sayin'
LIZ'S HOUSE
SAM: Jason, your so-called fiancee is lying to you. She knew for MONTHS that you were Jason and she must have conveniently forgotten to tell you.
JASON: Sam, I'm going to give you two choices. Number one, you be nice to Elizabeth and you can stay. Number two, you GET THE HELL OUT!!!
SAM: ExcayUSE me for trying to rescue you from your LYING BITCH of a fiancee.
JASON: Get in line. It starts behind Carly.
KELLY'S
BOBBIE: Valerie! Long time, no see. Even though we are living in the same house.
VALERIE: Yeah, I've been kinda busy banging my cousin's hubby.
BOBBIE: So I've heard. Join the club. Carly and I are charter members.
VALERIE: So you're totally okay with me sexing up Dante? Sah-WEET!
BOBBIE: Well, it would be better if the woman whose husband you were shagging wasn't my other niece, but who am I to talk? Wanna have some French food and expensive wine?
VALERIE: Thanks, but no thanks, Aunt Bobbie. I've got a date to eat french fries with Dante.
PCPD
NATHAN: Gotta go. Meeting Maxie at Kelly's. Even fashionistas have to eat.
DANTE: Maybe I'll see you there. Double date with me and Valerie?
NATHAN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT? Bad idea, partner. BAD IDEA! Maxie will go into vigilante mood, tell Lulu, who will tell Jordan and you and Val could be standing in the unemployment line.
DANTE: Yeah, I forgot. No one in this town knows how to mind their own damn business.
PATRICK & SAM'S HOUSE
EMMA: Daddy, are you going to give Sam another ring pop tonight?
PATRICK: It all depends on if she's done divorcing Danny's daddy, sweetheart.
EMMA: But you ARE going to get married, right?
PATRICK: I consulted my Magic 8 Ball and all signs point to yes.
EMMA: Sam's the COOLEST!
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: I had another one of those dreams, Nikolas. You know, those dreams when you are trying to kill me.
THE TRUTH: Gee, I wonder why...
NIKOLAS: Ever consider therapy, Hayden?
HAYDEN: Why don't you trust me, Nikolas?
NIKOLAS: Because my ex, Britt, conspired with a nine year old to scare the crap out of me, that's why. Oh, and she stole my sister's embryo.
HAYDEN: Sounds like a real peach. My ex-hubby was a real son of a bitch, so yeah, I have trust issues too.
NIKOLAS: I miss our Petit Mort.
HAYDEN: Relationships are about way more than Petit Mort, Nikolas. I still don't trust you not to strangle me in my sleep.
HAUNTED STAR
JOHNNY: I'm baaaaaaaack!
LULU: Correct me if I'm wrong, Johnny, but aren't you still a fugitive?
JOHNNY: Fugitive shmugitive! It's not like anyone's gonna go after me for shooting Julian Jerome on your psycho dad's orders. I hear you and Dante are on the rocks.
LULU: He slept with my skank of a cousin.
JOHNNY: Anything I can do to help?
LULU: I want my cousin Valerie out of the picture. Can you make her disappear?
JOHNNY: So you're offing family members now, Lulu? Is Diabolical Daddy starting to rub
off on you?
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: Do you believe Sam, Jason? Do you think I'm a lying bitch? Should I invest in flame-proof pants?
JASON: Let me get back to you on that.
PATRICK'S HOUSE
PATRICK: So, are you divorced from Jason yet?
SAM: Working on it. You know lawyers.
PATRICK: Weren't you going to stay and bug your mother until she got it done?
SAM: I had other priorities. Like rattling Elizabeth's chains. She TOTALLY knew Jason was Jason and didn't bother to tell him.
PATRICK: We're OVER!
SAM: Overreact much?
KELLY'S
VALERIE: I am still so into you, Dante. Please tell me you won't dump me to get back together with ShrewLu
DANTE: I love our booty calls, Valerie, but we have to keep it on the down low. There are peeps who want to bust us for fraternization.
VALERIE: Ooooh, a secret romance! That's hot!
PCPD
MAXIE: Surprise! I miss you, Nathan. It's so hard to have sex when you're so busy being a cop and I'm so busy being a fashionista.
NATHAN: We're just going to have to make time. The interrogation room is free...
SAM & PATRICK'S HOUSE
JASON: Sorry for being all anger boy on you earlier, Sam. I'm ready to hear you out now.
SAM: Elizabeth knew you were Jason before Carly told you. She knew for MONTHS.
THE TRUTH: Aaaah, freedom!
HAUNTED STAR
LULU: Maxie, which Christmas decorations make the best murder weapons?
MAXIE: Well, there's strangulation by Christmas lights, bludgeoning by giant candy cane, or being an adult and not taking revenge at all.
LULU: Since when are YOU an adult?
MAXIE: Ha ha. Remember how you have a kid named Rocco? As far as I know, Judge Walters is still on the bench. Just sayin'
LIZ'S HOUSE
SAM: Jason, your so-called fiancee is lying to you. She knew for MONTHS that you were Jason and she must have conveniently forgotten to tell you.
JASON: Sam, I'm going to give you two choices. Number one, you be nice to Elizabeth and you can stay. Number two, you GET THE HELL OUT!!!
SAM: ExcayUSE me for trying to rescue you from your LYING BITCH of a fiancee.
JASON: Get in line. It starts behind Carly.
KELLY'S
BOBBIE: Valerie! Long time, no see. Even though we are living in the same house.
VALERIE: Yeah, I've been kinda busy banging my cousin's hubby.
BOBBIE: So I've heard. Join the club. Carly and I are charter members.
VALERIE: So you're totally okay with me sexing up Dante? Sah-WEET!
BOBBIE: Well, it would be better if the woman whose husband you were shagging wasn't my other niece, but who am I to talk? Wanna have some French food and expensive wine?
VALERIE: Thanks, but no thanks, Aunt Bobbie. I've got a date to eat french fries with Dante.
PCPD
NATHAN: Gotta go. Meeting Maxie at Kelly's. Even fashionistas have to eat.
DANTE: Maybe I'll see you there. Double date with me and Valerie?
NATHAN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAT? Bad idea, partner. BAD IDEA! Maxie will go into vigilante mood, tell Lulu, who will tell Jordan and you and Val could be standing in the unemployment line.
DANTE: Yeah, I forgot. No one in this town knows how to mind their own damn business.
PATRICK & SAM'S HOUSE
EMMA: Daddy, are you going to give Sam another ring pop tonight?
PATRICK: It all depends on if she's done divorcing Danny's daddy, sweetheart.
EMMA: But you ARE going to get married, right?
PATRICK: I consulted my Magic 8 Ball and all signs point to yes.
EMMA: Sam's the COOLEST!
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: I had another one of those dreams, Nikolas. You know, those dreams when you are trying to kill me.
THE TRUTH: Gee, I wonder why...
NIKOLAS: Ever consider therapy, Hayden?
HAYDEN: Why don't you trust me, Nikolas?
NIKOLAS: Because my ex, Britt, conspired with a nine year old to scare the crap out of me, that's why. Oh, and she stole my sister's embryo.
HAYDEN: Sounds like a real peach. My ex-hubby was a real son of a bitch, so yeah, I have trust issues too.
NIKOLAS: I miss our Petit Mort.
HAYDEN: Relationships are about way more than Petit Mort, Nikolas. I still don't trust you not to strangle me in my sleep.
HAUNTED STAR
JOHNNY: I'm baaaaaaaack!
LULU: Correct me if I'm wrong, Johnny, but aren't you still a fugitive?
JOHNNY: Fugitive shmugitive! It's not like anyone's gonna go after me for shooting Julian Jerome on your psycho dad's orders. I hear you and Dante are on the rocks.
LULU: He slept with my skank of a cousin.
JOHNNY: Anything I can do to help?
LULU: I want my cousin Valerie out of the picture. Can you make her disappear?
JOHNNY: So you're offing family members now, Lulu? Is Diabolical Daddy starting to rub
off on you?
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: Do you believe Sam, Jason? Do you think I'm a lying bitch? Should I invest in flame-proof pants?
JASON: Let me get back to you on that.
PATRICK'S HOUSE
PATRICK: So, are you divorced from Jason yet?
SAM: Working on it. You know lawyers.
PATRICK: Weren't you going to stay and bug your mother until she got it done?
SAM: I had other priorities. Like rattling Elizabeth's chains. She TOTALLY knew Jason was Jason and didn't bother to tell him.
PATRICK: We're OVER!
SAM: Overreact much?
KELLY'S
VALERIE: I am still so into you, Dante. Please tell me you won't dump me to get back together with ShrewLu
DANTE: I love our booty calls, Valerie, but we have to keep it on the down low. There are peeps who want to bust us for fraternization.
VALERIE: Ooooh, a secret romance! That's hot!
PCPD
MAXIE: Surprise! I miss you, Nathan. It's so hard to have sex when you're so busy being a cop and I'm so busy being a fashionista.
NATHAN: We're just going to have to make time. The interrogation room is free...
SAM & PATRICK'S HOUSE
JASON: Sorry for being all anger boy on you earlier, Sam. I'm ready to hear you out now.
SAM: Elizabeth knew you were Jason before Carly told you. She knew for MONTHS.
THE TRUTH: Aaaah, freedom!
Monday, December 7, 2015
Meet The Truth
There's a new character on General Hilarity. He or she (the jury's out on this character's gender) is not portrayed by any actor on the show (you know, budget cuts and all) but plays a central role in many key storylines. Allow me to introduce The Truth. The Truth is not just the truth that Liz kept Jason's identity hidden from him. The Truth represents other truths in Port Chuckles as well, such as Carrrrrrrrrlos being alive and carrying Sabrrrrrrrrrrrrina's baby, Sloane being dead, Paul Hornsby being crooked, Nina being set up by Julian, Nikolas having Hayden shot and Ava helping Paul traffic guns. The Truth is all-knowing and torments the people who are trying to keep The Truth hidden.
LIZ'S HOUSE
SAM: Liar, liar, PANTS ON FIRE! (takes a match out of her leather jacket, lights it, and torches Liz's pants)
LIZ: What are you? PSYCHO? You LITERALLY lit my pants on fire!
SAM: Stop, drop, and ROLL in the lies you have been telling Jason since--I don't know--the moment he woke up from having his face re-arranged?
THE TRUTH: Preach it, sister!
LIZ: (rolling on the floor to put out the flames) You're just jealous because Jason picked ME instead of you. Helena was right. You really are a guttersnipe.
SAM: Helena was right about YOU too, little miss Innocent Flower.
GHOST HELENA: My my! Such posthumous praise for my unmatched powers of perception. Or is posthumous a trifle premature a term, considering that I am, after all, a Cassadine.
LIZ: Jason loves me. Deal with it and get the H-E-double hockey sticks out of my house!
SAM: I'm SO telling Jason on you. Kiss your cozy little web of lies goodbye...and buy some fireproof pants.
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
CARLY: You can't marry Elizabeth, Jason. She's setting a trap and you're the mouse.
JASON: If you want to be my friend, stop comparing me to rodents.
CARLY: I'm totes serious, Jason! You're supposed to be a gun-totin' MOB GOON, not some Mike Brady wannabe.
THE TRUTH: Go Carly! Go Carly! Go go go Carly!
JASON: What if I don't WANNA be a mob goon? What if I want to get a perm, wear bellbottoms, design houses with only one bathroom for nine people, and give REALLY GROOVY dad lectures to Greg, Peter, and Bobby--I mean Cameron, Jake and Aiden?
CARLY: What's next? Elizabeth wearing a blond mullet?
JASON: Okay, so I have to draw the line somewhere, but it's NONEOFYADAMNBIZNESS if I want to marry Elizabeth!
CARLY: It IS TOO my business. EVERYTHING IN THIS TOWN is my business. Especially if it involves ANY OTHER WOMAN and you, Sonny, and Michael. And sometimes Morgan, but Kiki's alright, even if she did run me off the road and almost kill me.
GALLERY
JULIAN: Hey sis, what did one stripey painting say to the other?
AVA: Since when do ex-mobsters make dad jokes?
JULIAN: Since I AM a dad. Do Sam, Lucas, and Leo sound familiar to you?
AVA: Very funny, Julian. I've been a little...preoccupied lately...with my new squeeze. Well, he's sort of a squeeze. More like a firm embrace.
JULIAN: (in a sing-songy voice) Ava has a boyfriend!
AVA: He's not a boyfriend. Yet. Just a friend with lots of benefits.
JULIAN: I'll bet.
HOSPITAL
SONNY: So, doc, when will I get out of this GODDAMN wheelchair and start walkin' again?
PATRICK: About that... Nothing doing with your spinal cord, Sonny. Ever heard of the concept of patience? Why do you think that's what we call you people we treat in this hospital?
SONNY: SCREW YOU, non-miracle-working quack job!
PATRICK: I'm done here. (leaves)
GALLERY
SONNY: THIS is cozy. What is this? A warm family gathering of my enemies, among all these stripey paintings? By the way, Raj called. He says you've been running assault rifles through this gallery. A little macabre for modern art, don't you think?
JULIAN: So THAT's your secret boyfriend. Raj. Hey, I have no prejudice against Southeast Asians. No need to keep Raj from me.
AVA: I don't know anyone named Raj. Much less someone named Raj who runs guns.
SONNY: PFFFFFFFFFFT! You and Raj are thick as thieves, AVA and my precious daughter is in the middle of your gun-running operation.
AVA: PFFFFFFFFFFT right back atcha, Sonny! You don't scare me. What's the worst you can do to me? Roll over me?
JULIAN: Why are you associating yourself with Raj the Gunrunner, sis?
THE TRUTH: Let's see...she's running military-grade weapons for our stand-up D.A. and her latest booty call, Paul Hornsby?
SLOANE'S APARTMENT
PAUL: Hey sad-looking landlord, did you see anyone break into this place? Someone like--you know--a thin brunette with a British accent who won't return my texts?
SAD LANDLORD: No, but there was a man. I don't know what he looked like. All I saw was his, how you say, back side? What about the bum who lives here? He skip out on rent for three months!
PAUL: What did said back side look like? Never mind. You go get yourself a sammich and I'll do a little piddling around here. Who knows? I may just leave some spare change around to cover that deadbeat's rent.
THE TRUTH: Well, you got the "dead" part right. Are you REALLY inquiring into the state of Mac Scorpio's butt, D.A. Hornsby? Really?
PIER 54
ANNA: Funny thing happened when I dialed the number I found in Sloane's apartment. Someone answered.
MAC: Don't keep me in suspense, Anna. Who was it?
ANNA: Three guesses.
MAC: Donald Trump.
ANNA: You're hilarious, Mac. Try again.
MAC: Santa Claus.
ANNA: Are you even trying?
MAC: The WSB? Robert?
ANNA: It was Paul Hornsby. Our "upstanding" D.A. is revisiting the skeletons in his closet and adding to his collection by the day.
MAC: I want in.
ANNA: Are you sure?
MAC: I'm bored to tears running The Rib. I want to be your adventure buddy.
HOSPITAL
EPIPHANY: 'Fess up, Drake, Jr. What's eatin' you?
PATRICK: It's Sam. She's in love with me. But she's also still stuck on Jason.
EPIPHANY: How stuck on Jason? Like band-aid stuck or Krazy Glue stuck?
PATRICK: Probably somewhere in-between.
EPIPHANY: Remember how you were about to walk down the aisle to marry Sabrina and Robin just waltzed right into that church and back into your life?
PATRICK: Yeah, and I ended up dumping Sabrina and Robin ended up dumping me and Emma for unfreezing Jason, then ran off to save the entire continent of Africa.
EPIPHANY: You have a point.
THE TRUTH: Africa my ass! She's being held captive by a "dead" woman's goons.
LIZ'S HOUSE
SAM: Lying bitch!
LIZ: Jealous shrew!
JASON: Is there a reality TV show filming here that I don't know about?
THE TRUTH: Buckle your seatbelt, Jason ol' boy! I'm a-comin' and I'm gonna BLOW YOUR MIND!
LIZ'S HOUSE
SAM: Liar, liar, PANTS ON FIRE! (takes a match out of her leather jacket, lights it, and torches Liz's pants)
LIZ: What are you? PSYCHO? You LITERALLY lit my pants on fire!
SAM: Stop, drop, and ROLL in the lies you have been telling Jason since--I don't know--the moment he woke up from having his face re-arranged?
THE TRUTH: Preach it, sister!
LIZ: (rolling on the floor to put out the flames) You're just jealous because Jason picked ME instead of you. Helena was right. You really are a guttersnipe.
SAM: Helena was right about YOU too, little miss Innocent Flower.
GHOST HELENA: My my! Such posthumous praise for my unmatched powers of perception. Or is posthumous a trifle premature a term, considering that I am, after all, a Cassadine.
LIZ: Jason loves me. Deal with it and get the H-E-double hockey sticks out of my house!
SAM: I'm SO telling Jason on you. Kiss your cozy little web of lies goodbye...and buy some fireproof pants.
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
CARLY: You can't marry Elizabeth, Jason. She's setting a trap and you're the mouse.
JASON: If you want to be my friend, stop comparing me to rodents.
CARLY: I'm totes serious, Jason! You're supposed to be a gun-totin' MOB GOON, not some Mike Brady wannabe.
THE TRUTH: Go Carly! Go Carly! Go go go Carly!
JASON: What if I don't WANNA be a mob goon? What if I want to get a perm, wear bellbottoms, design houses with only one bathroom for nine people, and give REALLY GROOVY dad lectures to Greg, Peter, and Bobby--I mean Cameron, Jake and Aiden?
CARLY: What's next? Elizabeth wearing a blond mullet?
JASON: Okay, so I have to draw the line somewhere, but it's NONEOFYADAMNBIZNESS if I want to marry Elizabeth!
CARLY: It IS TOO my business. EVERYTHING IN THIS TOWN is my business. Especially if it involves ANY OTHER WOMAN and you, Sonny, and Michael. And sometimes Morgan, but Kiki's alright, even if she did run me off the road and almost kill me.
GALLERY
JULIAN: Hey sis, what did one stripey painting say to the other?
AVA: Since when do ex-mobsters make dad jokes?
JULIAN: Since I AM a dad. Do Sam, Lucas, and Leo sound familiar to you?
AVA: Very funny, Julian. I've been a little...preoccupied lately...with my new squeeze. Well, he's sort of a squeeze. More like a firm embrace.
JULIAN: (in a sing-songy voice) Ava has a boyfriend!
AVA: He's not a boyfriend. Yet. Just a friend with lots of benefits.
JULIAN: I'll bet.
HOSPITAL
SONNY: So, doc, when will I get out of this GODDAMN wheelchair and start walkin' again?
PATRICK: About that... Nothing doing with your spinal cord, Sonny. Ever heard of the concept of patience? Why do you think that's what we call you people we treat in this hospital?
SONNY: SCREW YOU, non-miracle-working quack job!
PATRICK: I'm done here. (leaves)
GALLERY
SONNY: THIS is cozy. What is this? A warm family gathering of my enemies, among all these stripey paintings? By the way, Raj called. He says you've been running assault rifles through this gallery. A little macabre for modern art, don't you think?
JULIAN: So THAT's your secret boyfriend. Raj. Hey, I have no prejudice against Southeast Asians. No need to keep Raj from me.
AVA: I don't know anyone named Raj. Much less someone named Raj who runs guns.
SONNY: PFFFFFFFFFFT! You and Raj are thick as thieves, AVA and my precious daughter is in the middle of your gun-running operation.
AVA: PFFFFFFFFFFT right back atcha, Sonny! You don't scare me. What's the worst you can do to me? Roll over me?
JULIAN: Why are you associating yourself with Raj the Gunrunner, sis?
THE TRUTH: Let's see...she's running military-grade weapons for our stand-up D.A. and her latest booty call, Paul Hornsby?
SLOANE'S APARTMENT
PAUL: Hey sad-looking landlord, did you see anyone break into this place? Someone like--you know--a thin brunette with a British accent who won't return my texts?
SAD LANDLORD: No, but there was a man. I don't know what he looked like. All I saw was his, how you say, back side? What about the bum who lives here? He skip out on rent for three months!
PAUL: What did said back side look like? Never mind. You go get yourself a sammich and I'll do a little piddling around here. Who knows? I may just leave some spare change around to cover that deadbeat's rent.
THE TRUTH: Well, you got the "dead" part right. Are you REALLY inquiring into the state of Mac Scorpio's butt, D.A. Hornsby? Really?
PIER 54
ANNA: Funny thing happened when I dialed the number I found in Sloane's apartment. Someone answered.
MAC: Don't keep me in suspense, Anna. Who was it?
ANNA: Three guesses.
MAC: Donald Trump.
ANNA: You're hilarious, Mac. Try again.
MAC: Santa Claus.
ANNA: Are you even trying?
MAC: The WSB? Robert?
ANNA: It was Paul Hornsby. Our "upstanding" D.A. is revisiting the skeletons in his closet and adding to his collection by the day.
MAC: I want in.
ANNA: Are you sure?
MAC: I'm bored to tears running The Rib. I want to be your adventure buddy.
HOSPITAL
EPIPHANY: 'Fess up, Drake, Jr. What's eatin' you?
PATRICK: It's Sam. She's in love with me. But she's also still stuck on Jason.
EPIPHANY: How stuck on Jason? Like band-aid stuck or Krazy Glue stuck?
PATRICK: Probably somewhere in-between.
EPIPHANY: Remember how you were about to walk down the aisle to marry Sabrina and Robin just waltzed right into that church and back into your life?
PATRICK: Yeah, and I ended up dumping Sabrina and Robin ended up dumping me and Emma for unfreezing Jason, then ran off to save the entire continent of Africa.
EPIPHANY: You have a point.
THE TRUTH: Africa my ass! She's being held captive by a "dead" woman's goons.
LIZ'S HOUSE
SAM: Lying bitch!
LIZ: Jealous shrew!
JASON: Is there a reality TV show filming here that I don't know about?
THE TRUTH: Buckle your seatbelt, Jason ol' boy! I'm a-comin' and I'm gonna BLOW YOUR MIND!
Friday, December 4, 2015
No blog today
I just wasn't feeling the show today. The parts of it I saw (before and after the news report) just didn't really inspire me to go online and watch the rest. I hope next week's shows will be better than this week's. Until Monday...
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Dr. Carrrrrrrrrrrlos
Another mini-blog today because it's been a very busy week...
CARLOS: Zabrrrrrrrrrrrrina, querrrrrrrrrrrrida, I ain't goin' nowhere 'til you talk to me.
SABRINA: Get lost, Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos. I'm still pretending Michael is the father of my baby.
TRACY: So, Winter Gala anyone?
DANTE: Hey Val, wanna go out on a date? I'm kinda sorta single now.
VALERIE: You have to ask? Here's to dumping my shrew of a cousin.
LULU: GRRRRRRRRR! I'm FULL OF COUSIN RAGE! AND CHEATING SOON-TO-BE-EX-HUSBAND RAGE. GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
MAXIE: How to tame the ferocious Lulu??? Tell her not to do anything I would do?
AVA: If I have gallery sex with you, will you tell me where we're shipping your guns?
PAUL: Relax, ladies! There's enough of me to go around!
DR. MADDOX: I have WAYS to keep you in therapy, Ms. Devane
ANNA: Therapy's overrated.
MICHAEL: DAMN, that baby's HUGE!
CARLOS: Zabrrrrrrrrrrrrina, querrrrrrrrrrrrida, I ain't goin' nowhere 'til you talk to me.
SABRINA: Get lost, Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos. I'm still pretending Michael is the father of my baby.
TRACY: So, Winter Gala anyone?
DANTE: Hey Val, wanna go out on a date? I'm kinda sorta single now.
VALERIE: You have to ask? Here's to dumping my shrew of a cousin.
LULU: GRRRRRRRRR! I'm FULL OF COUSIN RAGE! AND CHEATING SOON-TO-BE-EX-HUSBAND RAGE. GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
MAXIE: How to tame the ferocious Lulu??? Tell her not to do anything I would do?
AVA: If I have gallery sex with you, will you tell me where we're shipping your guns?
PAUL: Relax, ladies! There's enough of me to go around!
DR. MADDOX: I have WAYS to keep you in therapy, Ms. Devane
ANNA: Therapy's overrated.
MICHAEL: DAMN, that baby's HUGE!
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Morgan Gets Medicated
Gonna be a very brief blog today:
HOSPITAL
SONNY: Now that you've got your meds, you can come live with us so we can make sure you take them.
MORGAN: Can't you just exile me to Siberia instead?
METROCOURT
TRACY: Hayden, you're fired
HAYDEN: PFFFFFFFFFFT! Fire The Nikolas Whisperer at your own risk.
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
SAM: Nikolas and Elizabeth TOTALLY knew NotJake was Jason before Carly told him. I'M TELLING!
PATRICK: I'm thinking you need to take another trip out of the country. I hear Zimbabwe is nice this time of year.
WYNDEMERE
LAURA: The truth shall set you free, Nikolas.
GHOST HELENA: That was MY LINE, you trollop!
NIKOLAS: I'M NOT TELLING!
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: Don't get dizzy looking at all those zeroes, Maxie. I told you I was LOADED.
MAXIE: We need an intern. Dillon, you're hired.
DILLON: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Can I work long distance from L.A.?
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: You're free to go and find your Jason-ness, Jason.
JASON: Never listen to Carly AGAIN! EVER!
HOSPITAL
SONNY: Now that you've got your meds, you can come live with us so we can make sure you take them.
MORGAN: Can't you just exile me to Siberia instead?
METROCOURT
TRACY: Hayden, you're fired
HAYDEN: PFFFFFFFFFFT! Fire The Nikolas Whisperer at your own risk.
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
SAM: Nikolas and Elizabeth TOTALLY knew NotJake was Jason before Carly told him. I'M TELLING!
PATRICK: I'm thinking you need to take another trip out of the country. I hear Zimbabwe is nice this time of year.
WYNDEMERE
LAURA: The truth shall set you free, Nikolas.
GHOST HELENA: That was MY LINE, you trollop!
NIKOLAS: I'M NOT TELLING!
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: Don't get dizzy looking at all those zeroes, Maxie. I told you I was LOADED.
MAXIE: We need an intern. Dillon, you're hired.
DILLON: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Can I work long distance from L.A.?
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: You're free to go and find your Jason-ness, Jason.
JASON: Never listen to Carly AGAIN! EVER!
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Let Him Go
Carly chews Liz out for trying to trap Jason. Sam asks Laura about Jake's secret. Nikolas tells Alexis that Helena is dead and buried (Please let Nikolas be lying about the buried part or let the "family plot" be a cryo chamber!). Sam is pissed that Patrick is pushing her to divorce Jason. Maxie and a fellow fashionista give Nina a makeover. Franco (correctly) suspects that Julian is setting Nina up.
CRIMSON OFFICE
JULIAN: Nina, you kinda suck at being a magazine editor. Shape up or ship out.
MAXIE: You're not going to be a mean, scroogey boss and fire her are you? Because I can totally fix her.
NINA: Fix me?
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: Yes, Aunt Alexis. Helena is dead and I pushed the dirt onto her myself.
ALEXIS: Where's the champagne? I want to pop a cork and do the chicken dance on her grave.
GHOST HELENA: Oh, poor, mousy Natasha! Naivete is only endearing in the young. I shall haunt you in the afterlife and upon my return to this world.
HOSPITAL
LIZ: What do YOU want, Carly?
CARLY: I want you to set Jason free from that little trap you set for him. You know, the "Operation Domesticate Jason Morgan" trap. Jason will NOT be tamed, fenced in, or de-mobbed.
LIZ: WhatEVER, Carly! Jason LOVES me and he LOVES my boys. He doesn't even REMEMBER being Sonny's top goon.
CARLY: Which is just peachy with you, isn't it? But it ain't Jason. Jason Morgan is a danger-loving killbot for the best mob kingpin that ever existed and don't you forget that.
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
SAM: So, Laura, I had a little chat with Jake and he told me you and Elizabeth have a BIG HUGE SECRET about Jason. Care to elaborate?
LAURA: You're taking the word of an 8 year old?
SAM: And you've NEVER had a kid overhear something before?
LAURA: What did he say?
SAM: That he heard you and Elizabeth talking about Jason and that you were kind of pissed at her about some big secret she was keeping from him. Did the Cassadines implant something else in him besides that mind-control chip? Can he fly? Levitate? Speak 20 different languages? Split off into two separate, identical bodies like an amoeba?
HOSPITAL
PATRICK: What's up, Jason? Divorce Sam yet?
JASON: Mind your own business much, doc?
PATRICK: You need to divorce Sam so I can marry her. Oh, and stay away from her so she doesn't get confused and start talking about dragons and phoenixes again.
JASON: Whoa, dude, are you SERIOUSLY that insecure?
LIZ: You just want Jason to be your Mr. Fix-It and do damage control while you make like Miley Cyrus and swing through Port Chuckles on a wrecking ball.
CARLY: Enjoy Jason while you have him in your cozy little cocoon of lies because when he finds his Jason Morgan-ness again and finds out you knew who he was and didn't tell him, he will dump your ass so fast he'll be at Sam's doorstep even before he leaves yours.
METROCOURT
FRANCO: Hey Julian, by any chance are you setting Nina up to--I don't know--run Crimson into the ground while simultaneously falling on her ass?
JULIAN: What? Me? Set Nina up? Are you still on your wacked-out mother's LSD? I felt sorry for Nina because of the coma and her wacked-out mother, so it was a pity hire. You happy now?
FRANCO: If you're setting her up, I just might remember my days as a serial killer. Funny how things just come back to you.
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: OMG, Maxie, I have NO FRIGGIN' CLUE what I'm doing. I don't know how to Editor-in-Chief a magazine at all.
MAXIE: Remember how I said I was going to give you a makeover? I invited my fashionista friend Graffiti over and we're going to make YOU all Crimsony.
WYNDEMERE
ALEXIS: Is it just me or is The Dragon Lady rubbing off on you, Nikolas?
NIKOLAS: So I put a little something-something in her tea. You're welcome.
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: (looking in the mirror) Who the hell is THAT?
MAXIE: That is YOU. It's Nina 2.0!
NINA: No WAY! I look like I was dipped in a tub of AWESOME!
JULIAN: (looking at Nina) Who the hell is THAT?
NINA: It's me 2.0. My creator and I need more money because, Mr. Scroogey Man, awesomeness doesn't come cheap.
JULIAN: Yeah, good luck with that. Try gofundme.
NINA: I could totally go fund MYSELF. I just remembered I'm LOADED!
WYNDEMERE
LAURA: Threat level RED! Sam's onto us! Or she will be very soon. We're SCREWED, Nikolas!
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
SAM: Mom, what are you doing here?
ALEXIS: I'm here to help Patrick divorce you and Jason.
SAM: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: I've been doing a lot of thinking, Jason and I only need the light when it's burning low. I only miss the sun when it starts to snow and I only know I love you when I let you go.
JASON: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?
CRIMSON OFFICE
JULIAN: Nina, you kinda suck at being a magazine editor. Shape up or ship out.
MAXIE: You're not going to be a mean, scroogey boss and fire her are you? Because I can totally fix her.
NINA: Fix me?
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: Yes, Aunt Alexis. Helena is dead and I pushed the dirt onto her myself.
ALEXIS: Where's the champagne? I want to pop a cork and do the chicken dance on her grave.
GHOST HELENA: Oh, poor, mousy Natasha! Naivete is only endearing in the young. I shall haunt you in the afterlife and upon my return to this world.
HOSPITAL
LIZ: What do YOU want, Carly?
CARLY: I want you to set Jason free from that little trap you set for him. You know, the "Operation Domesticate Jason Morgan" trap. Jason will NOT be tamed, fenced in, or de-mobbed.
LIZ: WhatEVER, Carly! Jason LOVES me and he LOVES my boys. He doesn't even REMEMBER being Sonny's top goon.
CARLY: Which is just peachy with you, isn't it? But it ain't Jason. Jason Morgan is a danger-loving killbot for the best mob kingpin that ever existed and don't you forget that.
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
SAM: So, Laura, I had a little chat with Jake and he told me you and Elizabeth have a BIG HUGE SECRET about Jason. Care to elaborate?
LAURA: You're taking the word of an 8 year old?
SAM: And you've NEVER had a kid overhear something before?
LAURA: What did he say?
SAM: That he heard you and Elizabeth talking about Jason and that you were kind of pissed at her about some big secret she was keeping from him. Did the Cassadines implant something else in him besides that mind-control chip? Can he fly? Levitate? Speak 20 different languages? Split off into two separate, identical bodies like an amoeba?
HOSPITAL
PATRICK: What's up, Jason? Divorce Sam yet?
JASON: Mind your own business much, doc?
PATRICK: You need to divorce Sam so I can marry her. Oh, and stay away from her so she doesn't get confused and start talking about dragons and phoenixes again.
JASON: Whoa, dude, are you SERIOUSLY that insecure?
LIZ: You just want Jason to be your Mr. Fix-It and do damage control while you make like Miley Cyrus and swing through Port Chuckles on a wrecking ball.
CARLY: Enjoy Jason while you have him in your cozy little cocoon of lies because when he finds his Jason Morgan-ness again and finds out you knew who he was and didn't tell him, he will dump your ass so fast he'll be at Sam's doorstep even before he leaves yours.
METROCOURT
FRANCO: Hey Julian, by any chance are you setting Nina up to--I don't know--run Crimson into the ground while simultaneously falling on her ass?
JULIAN: What? Me? Set Nina up? Are you still on your wacked-out mother's LSD? I felt sorry for Nina because of the coma and her wacked-out mother, so it was a pity hire. You happy now?
FRANCO: If you're setting her up, I just might remember my days as a serial killer. Funny how things just come back to you.
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: OMG, Maxie, I have NO FRIGGIN' CLUE what I'm doing. I don't know how to Editor-in-Chief a magazine at all.
MAXIE: Remember how I said I was going to give you a makeover? I invited my fashionista friend Graffiti over and we're going to make YOU all Crimsony.
WYNDEMERE
ALEXIS: Is it just me or is The Dragon Lady rubbing off on you, Nikolas?
NIKOLAS: So I put a little something-something in her tea. You're welcome.
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: (looking in the mirror) Who the hell is THAT?
MAXIE: That is YOU. It's Nina 2.0!
NINA: No WAY! I look like I was dipped in a tub of AWESOME!
JULIAN: (looking at Nina) Who the hell is THAT?
NINA: It's me 2.0. My creator and I need more money because, Mr. Scroogey Man, awesomeness doesn't come cheap.
JULIAN: Yeah, good luck with that. Try gofundme.
NINA: I could totally go fund MYSELF. I just remembered I'm LOADED!
WYNDEMERE
LAURA: Threat level RED! Sam's onto us! Or she will be very soon. We're SCREWED, Nikolas!
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
SAM: Mom, what are you doing here?
ALEXIS: I'm here to help Patrick divorce you and Jason.
SAM: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: I've been doing a lot of thinking, Jason and I only need the light when it's burning low. I only miss the sun when it starts to snow and I only know I love you when I let you go.
JASON: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?
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