Actual sunshine in Port Chuckles? Outdoor scenes that actually look like they were filmed outdoors? I guess it's something different, but compared to the April 1 show last year, it was just business as usual today. Dante warns Curtis not to do Valerie wrong. Nathan 'fesses up to Maxie about Claudette. Alexis laments the way she handled Kristina's coming out. Lucas and Brad finally set a date. (Rosalie must have gone into Witness Protection). A famous fashionista I have personally never heard of agrees to do a feature for Crimson. Curtis cracks the Crimson sabotage case. Nikolas wants a divorce from Haychel. Jason and Sam discuss Haychel's shooting.
GYM
DANTE: Hey Curtis, if you screw Valerie over, you have to answer to me.
CURTIS: Hey Falconeri, last I checked, Valerie doesn't have "Property of Dante Falconeri" tattooed on her forehead.
NATHAN: Hey Partner, remember how you got back together with Lulu? Two's company, three's a crowd. I should know. Maxie's still in the dark about my ex-wife.
DANTE: You selling tix for when you tell her? I want a front row seat.
JASON'S NEW PLACE
SAM: What's wrong, Jason? Instructions for that toychest in Swahili?
JASON: It's from IKEA. Close enough. Where's my stupid Allen wrench? It doesn't even look like a wrench. It's just some bent piece of metal.
SAM: Maybe I should help you with this, what with my badassery in all things mechanical.
JASON: So how's your case going?
SAM: So Hayden is Rachel and her dad is Bernie Madoff and they ran some cons together. Bernie was busted and Rachel was broke, so she hit Ric up for some quick cash. When that went south and she found out you were Jason, she moved on to her next meal ticket: my cousin, the prince.
THE REAL OUTDOORS
ALEXIS: Kristina told me she was gay and I came off sounding like Ted Cruz.
JULIAN: And I thought I screwed the pooch when Lucas came out to me! What did you say to her?
ALEXIS: That she was sexually confused and manipulated by her lesbian cougar professor.
JULIAN: Okay, you win at offspring coming out support FAIL.
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: OMG! It's JOE ZEE!!! Be still my fashionista heart!
NINA: Your boss is kinda awesome, isn't she?
JOE: It's an HONOR to meet the creative geniuses behind the green issue!
MAXIE; About that, it wasn't really supposed to be green. Our printer screwed us over and we turned limes into limeade. And when our printer screwed us over AGAIN and printed all the pages loose, Nina dropped them out of a plane!
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
KRISTINA: Lucas, I am sexually confused and somewhere between 10 and 100% gay.
LUCAS: Now THERE'S something you don't hear every day. What makes you think you are some degree of gay?
KRISTINA: I have a mad crush on my hot older female professor.
LUCAS: Welcome to my world. Do you parents know?
KRISTINA: Mom knows, but she's in a decidedly un-liberal state of denial. She thinks my prof planted gay seeds in my head or whatever.
METROCOURT ROOM
NIKOLAS: I want a divorce, Haychel.
HAYCHEL: But...but...even though I was conning you into giving me ELQ so I could turn it over to Tracy, I really did love you.
NIKOLAS: Our marriage was a lie. You signed the documents under your fake name.
HAYCHEL: Because if I signed them with my real name, the whole Vegas Burger King Wedding never would have happened.
CRIMSON OFFICE
MAXIE: So, my boyfriend has this ex-girlfriend that he declared his love to while under the sauce in the hospital after getting shot. He lied to me and said she was his dog. Then I told him to just forget about the whole thing.
JOE: Good call. Let bygones be bygones. Nice shoes.
MAXIE: Thanks Supreme Fashionista! (hugs Joe)
NATHAN: What did I just walk in on?
MAXIE: Nathan, I want you to meet the best fashionista on the planet, Joe Zee. Joe, this is said boyfriend Nathan West.
JOE: Gotta go to LA to deal with another red carpet wardrobe malfunction.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
LUCAS: Brad and I are FINALLY getting married.
ALEXIS & JULIAN: Congratulations!
ALEXIS: I'm SO happy for you! You're gay and not being swayed by any manipulative professor.
KRISTINA: NO FAIR!!! I'm SO outta here.
CRIMSON OFFICE
CURTIS: (over phone) Billing department, we got ourselves a problem. No fair charging us for binding when there's no binding holding the latest issue of Crimson together. The Editor-in-Chief dropped pages from a PLANE for crying out loud and told everybody to put the damn magazine together themselves! SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? It was SUPPOSED to be printed that way? SAYS WHO??? Hmmmmmmmm, the plot thickens...
NINA: Mr. Ashford, what's the latest on our saboteur? (Julian walks out of the elevator)
CURTIS: You'd better sit down for this.
JASON'S NEW PLACE
SAM: What if YOU weren't the target of that bullet? What if it was Haychel?
JASON: Why would Shawn Butler want to shoot Haychel?
SAM: What if there was a SECOND SHOOTER?
THE REAL OUTDOORS
NATHAN: Maxie, I have to tell you something. Claudette is my ex-wife.
MAXIE: April Fool! Right?
NATHAN: What? It's April Fool's Day? How come nobody told me? But seriously, Maxie, I was married to Claudette.
MAXIE: And you telling me this NOW?
NATHAN: You know how things are in this town. When couples get too happy, something has to happen to shake them up. Besides, you had enough past to dredge up for the both of us!
Friday, April 1, 2016
Thursday, March 31, 2016
The Backstory of A Service Lizard
Dr. Finn tells Carly how Roxy became his Service Lizard. Emma's spending Spring Break with Grandma Anna and meets Griffin at Kelly's. Sonny tells Julian that Carrrrrrrrrlos is still walking the face of the earth. Sonny and Anna's plan to tap Paul's phone is a success. A sudden noise makes Kiki jump out of her skin. Ava wants to know what kind of deal Julian made with Hammer.
KELLY'S
GRIFFIN: There you have it. Proof that I am Duke's kid.
ANNA: As long as this test was run anywhere other than GH, this is very good news. No offense to the place where you make your living, but DNA tests run there are done by soap opera writers, which means they are wrong 99.9% of the time.
GRIFFIN: Do my rugged good looks and secret desire to wear a kilt make up for the apparently dubious results of the DNA test?
EMMA: Kilts are so cool. They're the only skirts boys can wear and not get laughed at. I'm Emma, by the way, and my grandma's the most amazing grandma that ever existed.
GRIFFIN: I'm Griffin and I never got to meet my dad.
EMMA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
FREEDMAN CLINIC
MORGAN: I'm telling you, Keeks, I'm bad news. I'm dangerous to be around. Not to mention, my feels are broken and so is Little Morgan.
KIKI: But there is GOOD in you Morgan. Once you get your meds all straightened out, Good, Fun Morgan can be set free.
MORGAN: What if the meds turn Good, Fun Morgan into Flat, Boring Morgan?
CLINIC WORKER: (drops tray) Oops!
KIKI: AAAAGGGHHHH!!!! Am I dead, Morgan? Who shot me?
MORGAN: It's okay, Keeks. The clumsy orderly guy just dropped a tray. Nobody got shot.
KIKI: Nobody...(pant, pant, wheeze, wheeze) got...(pant, pant, wheeze, wheeze) shot?
MORGAN: Remember to BREATHE, Keeks.
KIKI: Wow, I totes freaked, didn't I? Maybe I belong in this place too. Wanna be roomies?
HOSPITAL
DR. FINN: Nurse Johnson, do you have the specimens I requested?
EPIPHANY: Crickets for the Service Lizard? Here you go. (hands a bag to Dr. Finn)
DR. FINN: Thanks, Nurse J.
PAUL: So, are you the doctor who diagnosed my ex-wife with brain worms?
DR. FINN: Not for me to say. Ask your ex-wife. Gotta go feed my Service Lizard.
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Remember how you had this goon called Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos shoot my BFF Duke?
JULIAN: No, because I never ordered him to shoot Lavery. Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos had a mind of his own.
SONNY: Has, Julian. Present tense. Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos alive.
JULIAN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT??? Wasn't his carcass pulled out of the harbor a few months back?
SONNY: Don't believe everything you print in that newspaper of yours, Julian. He's sucking up oxygen just like you and me.
JULIAN: I know you sent that black rose to Ava, by the way.
SONNY: When do I send Ava roses? Ain't got no TIME for that!
FREEDMAN CLINIC
AVA: Um, thanks for keeping Kiki alive after she was shot on the pier.
CARLY: Um, you're welcome. I actually LIKE Kiki.
KELLY'S
SONNY: Hey there Emma! Long time no see!
EMMA: Hi Mr. Sonny. Mommy and Daddy told me to hug you. (Hugs Sonny)
SONNY: You here visiting your grandma?
EMMA: Mommy and Daddy are in Morocco.
ANNA: Hello Paul! Put down that cell phone for 5 seconds so I can introduce you to my new friend Griffin.
PAUL: Introducing me to your friends now, Anna? Does this mean something?
ANNA: Paul, this is Griffin Munro, brain surgeon and Duke Lavery's long lost son. Griffin, this is Paul Hornsby, our esteemed District Attorney.
PAUL: Hey there, Griffin. Do you know anything about brain worms? You see, my ex-wife--
GRIFFIN: That's a conversation for another day, Mr. District Attorney. We are, after all, in a dining establishment.
SONNY: You got it done, Brick?
BRICK: Hell yeah I did, Boss. Next time Carrrrrrrrrrrlos calls the D.A., you'll hear every word.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
CARLY: I was thinking you and your Service Lizard might need some fresh towels.
DR. FINN: The owner comes by to bring me new towels? To what do I owe this service?
CARLY: I brought a little present for Roxy. Whole foods was having a sale on Lizard Lettuce Lunch so I thought, what the hey?
DR. FINN: Roxy only does organic. She has a discerning palate and understands climate change.
CARLY: How does someone go about getting a Service Lizard?
DR. FINN: Roxy crawled into my sleeping bag while I was camping Down Under. She was in a bad way, so I did my doctor thing and made a little splint for her broken leg. You should have seen it. I set her free, but she came right back like a boomerang. After all, we were in Australia. So, I smuggled her into the States and the rest is history.
HOSPITAL
AVA: So, how was Hammer Time?
JULIAN: I took care of it.
AVA: Can you be a little less vague?
JULIAN: You're safe from your goons.
AVA: What did you have to do to make that happen? Sell your firstborn? Sam and I have never been close, but I don't want to see her sacrificed to The Organization.
KELLY'S
GRIFFIN: There you have it. Proof that I am Duke's kid.
ANNA: As long as this test was run anywhere other than GH, this is very good news. No offense to the place where you make your living, but DNA tests run there are done by soap opera writers, which means they are wrong 99.9% of the time.
GRIFFIN: Do my rugged good looks and secret desire to wear a kilt make up for the apparently dubious results of the DNA test?
EMMA: Kilts are so cool. They're the only skirts boys can wear and not get laughed at. I'm Emma, by the way, and my grandma's the most amazing grandma that ever existed.
GRIFFIN: I'm Griffin and I never got to meet my dad.
EMMA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
FREEDMAN CLINIC
MORGAN: I'm telling you, Keeks, I'm bad news. I'm dangerous to be around. Not to mention, my feels are broken and so is Little Morgan.
KIKI: But there is GOOD in you Morgan. Once you get your meds all straightened out, Good, Fun Morgan can be set free.
MORGAN: What if the meds turn Good, Fun Morgan into Flat, Boring Morgan?
CLINIC WORKER: (drops tray) Oops!
KIKI: AAAAGGGHHHH!!!! Am I dead, Morgan? Who shot me?
MORGAN: It's okay, Keeks. The clumsy orderly guy just dropped a tray. Nobody got shot.
KIKI: Nobody...(pant, pant, wheeze, wheeze) got...(pant, pant, wheeze, wheeze) shot?
MORGAN: Remember to BREATHE, Keeks.
KIKI: Wow, I totes freaked, didn't I? Maybe I belong in this place too. Wanna be roomies?
HOSPITAL
DR. FINN: Nurse Johnson, do you have the specimens I requested?
EPIPHANY: Crickets for the Service Lizard? Here you go. (hands a bag to Dr. Finn)
DR. FINN: Thanks, Nurse J.
PAUL: So, are you the doctor who diagnosed my ex-wife with brain worms?
DR. FINN: Not for me to say. Ask your ex-wife. Gotta go feed my Service Lizard.
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Remember how you had this goon called Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos shoot my BFF Duke?
JULIAN: No, because I never ordered him to shoot Lavery. Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos had a mind of his own.
SONNY: Has, Julian. Present tense. Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos alive.
JULIAN: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAT??? Wasn't his carcass pulled out of the harbor a few months back?
SONNY: Don't believe everything you print in that newspaper of yours, Julian. He's sucking up oxygen just like you and me.
JULIAN: I know you sent that black rose to Ava, by the way.
SONNY: When do I send Ava roses? Ain't got no TIME for that!
FREEDMAN CLINIC
AVA: Um, thanks for keeping Kiki alive after she was shot on the pier.
CARLY: Um, you're welcome. I actually LIKE Kiki.
KELLY'S
SONNY: Hey there Emma! Long time no see!
EMMA: Hi Mr. Sonny. Mommy and Daddy told me to hug you. (Hugs Sonny)
SONNY: You here visiting your grandma?
EMMA: Mommy and Daddy are in Morocco.
ANNA: Hello Paul! Put down that cell phone for 5 seconds so I can introduce you to my new friend Griffin.
PAUL: Introducing me to your friends now, Anna? Does this mean something?
ANNA: Paul, this is Griffin Munro, brain surgeon and Duke Lavery's long lost son. Griffin, this is Paul Hornsby, our esteemed District Attorney.
PAUL: Hey there, Griffin. Do you know anything about brain worms? You see, my ex-wife--
GRIFFIN: That's a conversation for another day, Mr. District Attorney. We are, after all, in a dining establishment.
SONNY: You got it done, Brick?
BRICK: Hell yeah I did, Boss. Next time Carrrrrrrrrrrlos calls the D.A., you'll hear every word.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
CARLY: I was thinking you and your Service Lizard might need some fresh towels.
DR. FINN: The owner comes by to bring me new towels? To what do I owe this service?
CARLY: I brought a little present for Roxy. Whole foods was having a sale on Lizard Lettuce Lunch so I thought, what the hey?
DR. FINN: Roxy only does organic. She has a discerning palate and understands climate change.
CARLY: How does someone go about getting a Service Lizard?
DR. FINN: Roxy crawled into my sleeping bag while I was camping Down Under. She was in a bad way, so I did my doctor thing and made a little splint for her broken leg. You should have seen it. I set her free, but she came right back like a boomerang. After all, we were in Australia. So, I smuggled her into the States and the rest is history.
HOSPITAL
AVA: So, how was Hammer Time?
JULIAN: I took care of it.
AVA: Can you be a little less vague?
JULIAN: You're safe from your goons.
AVA: What did you have to do to make that happen? Sell your firstborn? Sam and I have never been close, but I don't want to see her sacrificed to The Organization.
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Hammer Time
Julian meets with the Jerome organization's top goon. Kristina comes out to Alexis, but doesn't get the reaction she expected. Carly, Josslyn, & Avery visit Morgan at the Freedman Clinic. Sonny's ready to deal with the Carrrrrrrrrlos situation. Ava visits Kiki, who asks a huge favor of her mama. Franco's shocked that his old man's shacking up with Ava.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
AVA: (pours water on Scott) Wakey wakey, Service Hedgehog! Since when do hedgehogs snore like a freight train?
SCOTT: This whole Service Hedgehog was your idea, not mine. You wanted me here to protect you from your own goons.
AVA: Some protection you'd be. World War III could break out in Port Chuckles and you'd sleep right through it.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S PLACE
JULIAN: What's Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos doing alive? And in this century? Last I heard, he was time-traveling to California in 1970 to give Don Draper spiritual guidance.
ALEXIS: OMG! You're SCREWED!
JULIAN: Tell me something I don't know.
FREEDMAN CLINIC
MORGAN: I've lost all my feels, Michael. They're all gone because of the meds. Don't even get me started on Little Morgan. In fact, Little Morgan could fall off in the middle of the night and I wouldn't care.
MICHAEL: Don't be all depressed on me, Morgan. You're in here to get your head screwed on straight so you won't go wabbit hunting in the middle of a gun deal Dad's trying to bust up.
MORGAN: I said I had NO FEELS. Depression is a feel. Therefore, I am not depressed, Mikey. Just devoid of any feels whatsoever.
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: What were you kibitzing with Anna about? And why did she not arrest you for existing?
SONNY: Remember how Duke used to work for me before Julian had Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos gun him down? Anna hates Julian. I hate Julian. We have a common enemy. Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos is just there to be the hammer.
CARLY: You mean the Service Snitch?
SONNY: Somethin' like that.
JOSSLYN: I'm kinda freaked out about going to a looney bin. Uncle Sonny, what's it like there?
SONNY: As long as you're completely sane, there's nothin' to worry about. You still obsessed with corn, by the way?
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
JULIAN: You have company. Since when do lawyers and clients have sleepovers?
SCOTT: Since this lawyer has become a Service Hedgehog, that's when.
AVA: I can explain, as soon as I tell my Service Hedgehog to get lost.
SCOTT: I can take a hint. Later, roomie!
AVA: What? I need protection from my goons!
JULIAN: About that, I'm gonna hash things out with Hammer and tell him to stop hassling my sister, among other things.
KIKI'S HOSPITAL ROOM
KIKI: What's with the sneaks? And where's Morgan?
FRANCO: The sneaks are for you, Keeks! For when you jog on out of this joint. If you don't like the color or the arch support, I kept the receipt.
KIKI: What about Morgan? He's the one who woke me up from my coma, but he's been totally AWOL since then.
FRANCO: About that...Morgan's in a place where he can get his head screwed on straight. I'm living proof that those places work, right?
KIKI: You mean he's in the looney bin?
FRANCO: The technical term is mental hospital, but yeah. He's bad news, Kiki. Really bad news, and this is coming from ME, of all people.
FREEDMAN CLINIC
JOSSLYN: Hi Morgan! Brought you some comic books.
MORGAN: Um, okay, thanks. Gotta warn you, the comic book loving feels aren't quite there because of the meds and all, but yeah, it's cool. I think.
CARLY: Look who I brought!
MORGAN: Hey, Avery! You're HUGE now! What are they feeding you? Sorry. Even cute babies aren't doin' it for me with these anti-feel meds they're pumpin' into my brain.
CARLY: Chin up, Morgan. The feels will come back! Your dad's feels did. They've just got to figure out how much of these pills and how much of those you need to bring them back without them going berserk on you and causing you to mistake mobsters for "wabbits".
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
KRISTINA: So here's the deal, Mom. You know that Parker chick who came here awhile back? She's the prof that I wanted to have sex with. So basically, I'm telling you I'm at the VERY LEAST 10% gay. Parker thinks that percentage could be way higher.
ALEXIS: Aw, Krissy, you're just confused because Kiefer abused you and Trey Mitchell croaked on you and your prof is planting ideas in your head.
KRISTINA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???? Have you gone bible-thumping CONSERVATIVE on me, Mom? What happened to the boob flashing kick-ass feminist attorney I saw in court the other day?
ALEXIS: It's just that you're too YOUNG to know what percent gay you are. College is a time of MASSIVE CONFUSION!
KRISTINA: And here I thought telling my mobster dad would be hard. Way to be enlightened, MOM!
KIKI'S HOSPITAL ROOM
KIKI: Mom, if you loved me, you would take me to see Morgan.
AVA: But...but...what if you forgot how to walk???
KIKI: I will suspend ALL pretense of vanity and take a WALKER with me.
AVA: FINE! At least it will get me further away from my goons. Let's go.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
JULIAN: Hammer, you have to lay off my little sis. She's gotten so paranoid she hired a service hedgehog who can sleep through an earthquake.
HAMMER: Tell your sister to take a chill pill and join back up with us, Julian. What's a Jerome organization without Jeromes?
JULIAN: But my wife made me promise to stay mob free.
HAMMER: What she don't know won't hurt her. Ever heard of being a silent partner?
KELLY'S
FRANCO: Since when do you shack up with AVA, Pops?
SCOTT: Since she needs a service hedgehog to protect her from her own goons.
FRANCO: Makes sense.
SCOTT: How are you and Nina?
FRANCO: She wants me to have her kid. I don't want to spread my crazy DNA to the next generation. Could this be the end of us?
SCOTT: Maybe...
FREEDMAN CLINIC
MORGAN: Kiki? Wow, I'm actually feeling a feel!
KIKI: Hi Morgan! I MADE my mom sneak me out of the hospital so I could see you.
MORGAN: I think you need to stay far far away from me. It's for your own good.
KIKI: Is this the thanks I get from coming all the way here IN A WALKER???
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Look out for the women and children, Michael. I gotta go deal with some bizness.
MICHAEL: What kind of business, Dad?
SONNY: If I tell you, son, I'll hafta kill you.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
AVA: (pours water on Scott) Wakey wakey, Service Hedgehog! Since when do hedgehogs snore like a freight train?
SCOTT: This whole Service Hedgehog was your idea, not mine. You wanted me here to protect you from your own goons.
AVA: Some protection you'd be. World War III could break out in Port Chuckles and you'd sleep right through it.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S PLACE
JULIAN: What's Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos doing alive? And in this century? Last I heard, he was time-traveling to California in 1970 to give Don Draper spiritual guidance.
ALEXIS: OMG! You're SCREWED!
JULIAN: Tell me something I don't know.
FREEDMAN CLINIC
MORGAN: I've lost all my feels, Michael. They're all gone because of the meds. Don't even get me started on Little Morgan. In fact, Little Morgan could fall off in the middle of the night and I wouldn't care.
MICHAEL: Don't be all depressed on me, Morgan. You're in here to get your head screwed on straight so you won't go wabbit hunting in the middle of a gun deal Dad's trying to bust up.
MORGAN: I said I had NO FEELS. Depression is a feel. Therefore, I am not depressed, Mikey. Just devoid of any feels whatsoever.
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: What were you kibitzing with Anna about? And why did she not arrest you for existing?
SONNY: Remember how Duke used to work for me before Julian had Carrrrrrrrrrrrrlos gun him down? Anna hates Julian. I hate Julian. We have a common enemy. Carrrrrrrrrrrrrrlos is just there to be the hammer.
CARLY: You mean the Service Snitch?
SONNY: Somethin' like that.
JOSSLYN: I'm kinda freaked out about going to a looney bin. Uncle Sonny, what's it like there?
SONNY: As long as you're completely sane, there's nothin' to worry about. You still obsessed with corn, by the way?
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
JULIAN: You have company. Since when do lawyers and clients have sleepovers?
SCOTT: Since this lawyer has become a Service Hedgehog, that's when.
AVA: I can explain, as soon as I tell my Service Hedgehog to get lost.
SCOTT: I can take a hint. Later, roomie!
AVA: What? I need protection from my goons!
JULIAN: About that, I'm gonna hash things out with Hammer and tell him to stop hassling my sister, among other things.
KIKI'S HOSPITAL ROOM
KIKI: What's with the sneaks? And where's Morgan?
FRANCO: The sneaks are for you, Keeks! For when you jog on out of this joint. If you don't like the color or the arch support, I kept the receipt.
KIKI: What about Morgan? He's the one who woke me up from my coma, but he's been totally AWOL since then.
FRANCO: About that...Morgan's in a place where he can get his head screwed on straight. I'm living proof that those places work, right?
KIKI: You mean he's in the looney bin?
FRANCO: The technical term is mental hospital, but yeah. He's bad news, Kiki. Really bad news, and this is coming from ME, of all people.
FREEDMAN CLINIC
JOSSLYN: Hi Morgan! Brought you some comic books.
MORGAN: Um, okay, thanks. Gotta warn you, the comic book loving feels aren't quite there because of the meds and all, but yeah, it's cool. I think.
CARLY: Look who I brought!
MORGAN: Hey, Avery! You're HUGE now! What are they feeding you? Sorry. Even cute babies aren't doin' it for me with these anti-feel meds they're pumpin' into my brain.
CARLY: Chin up, Morgan. The feels will come back! Your dad's feels did. They've just got to figure out how much of these pills and how much of those you need to bring them back without them going berserk on you and causing you to mistake mobsters for "wabbits".
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
KRISTINA: So here's the deal, Mom. You know that Parker chick who came here awhile back? She's the prof that I wanted to have sex with. So basically, I'm telling you I'm at the VERY LEAST 10% gay. Parker thinks that percentage could be way higher.
ALEXIS: Aw, Krissy, you're just confused because Kiefer abused you and Trey Mitchell croaked on you and your prof is planting ideas in your head.
KRISTINA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???? Have you gone bible-thumping CONSERVATIVE on me, Mom? What happened to the boob flashing kick-ass feminist attorney I saw in court the other day?
ALEXIS: It's just that you're too YOUNG to know what percent gay you are. College is a time of MASSIVE CONFUSION!
KRISTINA: And here I thought telling my mobster dad would be hard. Way to be enlightened, MOM!
KIKI'S HOSPITAL ROOM
KIKI: Mom, if you loved me, you would take me to see Morgan.
AVA: But...but...what if you forgot how to walk???
KIKI: I will suspend ALL pretense of vanity and take a WALKER with me.
AVA: FINE! At least it will get me further away from my goons. Let's go.
AVA'S PENTHOUSE
JULIAN: Hammer, you have to lay off my little sis. She's gotten so paranoid she hired a service hedgehog who can sleep through an earthquake.
HAMMER: Tell your sister to take a chill pill and join back up with us, Julian. What's a Jerome organization without Jeromes?
JULIAN: But my wife made me promise to stay mob free.
HAMMER: What she don't know won't hurt her. Ever heard of being a silent partner?
KELLY'S
FRANCO: Since when do you shack up with AVA, Pops?
SCOTT: Since she needs a service hedgehog to protect her from her own goons.
FRANCO: Makes sense.
SCOTT: How are you and Nina?
FRANCO: She wants me to have her kid. I don't want to spread my crazy DNA to the next generation. Could this be the end of us?
SCOTT: Maybe...
FREEDMAN CLINIC
MORGAN: Kiki? Wow, I'm actually feeling a feel!
KIKI: Hi Morgan! I MADE my mom sneak me out of the hospital so I could see you.
MORGAN: I think you need to stay far far away from me. It's for your own good.
KIKI: Is this the thanks I get from coming all the way here IN A WALKER???
SONNY'S HOUSE
SONNY: Look out for the women and children, Michael. I gotta go deal with some bizness.
MICHAEL: What kind of business, Dad?
SONNY: If I tell you, son, I'll hafta kill you.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Did Someone Say Ned?
Dillon's big brother, who is about the same age as his father, is back in town to see Tracy through her brain worm crisis. Anna and Sonny are on the same page regarding Duke and Griffin. Jordan and Curtis team up to stop a masked gunman at Kelly's. Liz convinces Haychel to pack up and leave town, but Curtis (and Nikolas) don't agree that Port Chuckles would be better off without the daughter of Faux Bernie Madoff. After being mistaken for Edward, Jason is really feeling his Q side. While Valerie falls for Curtis, Jordan and Andre make plans to get cozier. Ava asks Scott to protect her from her angry minions.
OUTSIDE TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
JASON: That was weird. My aunt thinks I'm my own grandpa.
SAM: Isn't there a song about that?
ME: As a matter of fact, Sam, there is!
JASON & SAM: Well, jeez, that sounds like the family tree of everyone in this freakin' town!
SONNY'S HOUSE
ANNA: Word on the interwebs is that Carrrrrrrrrlos is alive. Someone tweeted it and re-tweeted it about 5,000 times! Was that you, Sonny?
SONNY: Have you ever seen a mobster tweet? Besides, I don't want nothin' with Carrrrrrrlos. He's just the bait to send Julian to the slammer. We gotta get justice for Duke and his kid.
ANNA: You KNOW about Duke's son?
SONNY: We've met. For a brain surgeon, he's a damn good preacher.
ANNA: I got that same impression, that he moonlights as a man of the cloth.
SCOTT'S HOTEL ROOM
SCOTT: What's the emergency? I was in the middle of interpreting a ouija book from my off-and-on ex lover left to her by her crazy-ass ex-mother-in-law.
AVA: My peeps are after me because I accidentally helped the D.A. bust a gun deal.
SCOTT: My services don't cover being a human shield.
AVA: I prefer to think of you as my service hedgehog.
KELLY'S
VALERIE: Remember how I helped you put together that Crimson magazine, traipsing through the mud and breaking my shoe? You owe me 500 bucks.
CURTIS: If I give you your cut, will you go out with me again?
VALERIE: You'd pay a half grand to go out with me? At least you don't think of me as a cheap date.
JORDAN: You'd think they'd have more places to eat in this town.
ANDRE: Seeing that Port Chuckles contains all of three dining establishments, you have a 33% chance of running into Curtis if you choose to eat out in public.
RANDOM GUNMAN: If it's a Tuesday, I hold up Kelly's. HANDS UP! ELECTRONICS DOWN! OPEN THE REGISTER!
JORDAN & CURTIS: If it's a Tuesday, we kick your ass! (Jordan and Curtis take the gunman down and cuff him.)
JORDAN: I'm the commish. You're under arrest!
CURTIS: Daaaaayuuummm! We still got it!
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DILLON: Mom, what year is it? Who's President? Who's walking through the door right now?
TRACY: What's with the stupid questions, Dillon? Hello, Ned. Have you come to watch me die of brain worms?
NED: Great to see you too, Mom. What's this about brain worms?
TRACY: It's all your father's fault, Ned. I ran into him in Mexico and he gave me some space cake weed tacos with a side of worms which are now residing and reproducing IN. MY. BRAIN.
NED: I really have been away too long, haven't I, Mom?
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Pack your bags, HAYCHEL because I'm calling the cops with a HAYCHEL BARNLIN sighting and sending YOU to the hoosegow. See ya, wouldn't wanna BE YA! (leaves with ginormous Cheshire Cat grin on her face)
HAYCHEL: Goodbye, Wyndemere. Goodbye couch. Goodbye 9,000 thread count sheets. Goodbye pillows. Goodbye intriguingly creepy painting of Nikolas's fascinatingly diabolical grandmother.
HOSPITAL
JASON: Funny thing happened when Tracy mistook me for Edward. I came out of that room never feeling more Quartermaine than I do right now.
SAM: Your dad and grandfather would be getting all the warm and fuzzy family feels if they could hear you right now.
KELLY'S
ANDRE: After I lead my group therapy session to bring more emotional stability to Port Chuckles, how about we eat in a not-so-public place.
JORDAN: That might not be such a bad idea. It gives as a much better chance of finding a Curtis-free zone.
CURTIS: So, you got outed as Rachel Faux Madoff Berlin.
HAYCHEL: I'm being run out of town by Busy Lizzie, keeper of the family jewels of half the men in this town.
CURTIS: You need some help dealing with Busy Lizzie? Or is it Shotgun Prince Hubby you gotta protect yourself from?
HAYCHEL: There's nothing left for me here in Port Chuckles. I have no friends. Besides Busy Lizzie, Snooping Sam hates me too, not to mention Catty Carly. Even your gal pal Val ditched Wyndemere to get the hell away from me. Then there's the family I married into. Mother Hen Laura clucks in disapproval when she sees me and simpering sister Lulu does the same.
CURTIS: What am I, chopped liver? If Shotgun Prince Hubby tries to kick you outta his castle, all you gotta do is play the I-know-you-tried-to-have-me-killed card.
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
LIZ: I got rid of Haychel! I got rid of Haychel! At least I think I did. One well-placed threat to call the PCPD did the trick.
NIKOLAS: Bad Liz! I sorta kinda still like Haychel, even if she's the lying daughter of an infamous Madoff wannabe.
LIZ: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
NIKOLAS: At least she didn't conspire with my kid to fake his disappearance and scare the crap out of me in the process!
SCOTT'S METROCOURT ROOM
SCOTT: I'm broke. Raymond Berlin robbed me blind.
AVA: And I need a service hedgehog to keep my underlings from roasting me at a luau. So, Scott Baldwin, will you be my service hedgehog?
SCOTT: When's the last time a hedgehog protected anyone from mob goons?
AVA: You're not just any old hedgehog, Scott. You're a SERVICE hedgehog!
OUTSIDE TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
JASON: That was weird. My aunt thinks I'm my own grandpa.
SAM: Isn't there a song about that?
ME: As a matter of fact, Sam, there is!
JASON & SAM: Well, jeez, that sounds like the family tree of everyone in this freakin' town!
SONNY'S HOUSE
ANNA: Word on the interwebs is that Carrrrrrrrrlos is alive. Someone tweeted it and re-tweeted it about 5,000 times! Was that you, Sonny?
SONNY: Have you ever seen a mobster tweet? Besides, I don't want nothin' with Carrrrrrrlos. He's just the bait to send Julian to the slammer. We gotta get justice for Duke and his kid.
ANNA: You KNOW about Duke's son?
SONNY: We've met. For a brain surgeon, he's a damn good preacher.
ANNA: I got that same impression, that he moonlights as a man of the cloth.
SCOTT'S HOTEL ROOM
SCOTT: What's the emergency? I was in the middle of interpreting a ouija book from my off-and-on ex lover left to her by her crazy-ass ex-mother-in-law.
AVA: My peeps are after me because I accidentally helped the D.A. bust a gun deal.
SCOTT: My services don't cover being a human shield.
AVA: I prefer to think of you as my service hedgehog.
KELLY'S
VALERIE: Remember how I helped you put together that Crimson magazine, traipsing through the mud and breaking my shoe? You owe me 500 bucks.
CURTIS: If I give you your cut, will you go out with me again?
VALERIE: You'd pay a half grand to go out with me? At least you don't think of me as a cheap date.
JORDAN: You'd think they'd have more places to eat in this town.
ANDRE: Seeing that Port Chuckles contains all of three dining establishments, you have a 33% chance of running into Curtis if you choose to eat out in public.
RANDOM GUNMAN: If it's a Tuesday, I hold up Kelly's. HANDS UP! ELECTRONICS DOWN! OPEN THE REGISTER!
JORDAN & CURTIS: If it's a Tuesday, we kick your ass! (Jordan and Curtis take the gunman down and cuff him.)
JORDAN: I'm the commish. You're under arrest!
CURTIS: Daaaaayuuummm! We still got it!
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DILLON: Mom, what year is it? Who's President? Who's walking through the door right now?
TRACY: What's with the stupid questions, Dillon? Hello, Ned. Have you come to watch me die of brain worms?
NED: Great to see you too, Mom. What's this about brain worms?
TRACY: It's all your father's fault, Ned. I ran into him in Mexico and he gave me some space cake weed tacos with a side of worms which are now residing and reproducing IN. MY. BRAIN.
NED: I really have been away too long, haven't I, Mom?
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Pack your bags, HAYCHEL because I'm calling the cops with a HAYCHEL BARNLIN sighting and sending YOU to the hoosegow. See ya, wouldn't wanna BE YA! (leaves with ginormous Cheshire Cat grin on her face)
HAYCHEL: Goodbye, Wyndemere. Goodbye couch. Goodbye 9,000 thread count sheets. Goodbye pillows. Goodbye intriguingly creepy painting of Nikolas's fascinatingly diabolical grandmother.
HOSPITAL
JASON: Funny thing happened when Tracy mistook me for Edward. I came out of that room never feeling more Quartermaine than I do right now.
SAM: Your dad and grandfather would be getting all the warm and fuzzy family feels if they could hear you right now.
KELLY'S
ANDRE: After I lead my group therapy session to bring more emotional stability to Port Chuckles, how about we eat in a not-so-public place.
JORDAN: That might not be such a bad idea. It gives as a much better chance of finding a Curtis-free zone.
CURTIS: So, you got outed as Rachel Faux Madoff Berlin.
HAYCHEL: I'm being run out of town by Busy Lizzie, keeper of the family jewels of half the men in this town.
CURTIS: You need some help dealing with Busy Lizzie? Or is it Shotgun Prince Hubby you gotta protect yourself from?
HAYCHEL: There's nothing left for me here in Port Chuckles. I have no friends. Besides Busy Lizzie, Snooping Sam hates me too, not to mention Catty Carly. Even your gal pal Val ditched Wyndemere to get the hell away from me. Then there's the family I married into. Mother Hen Laura clucks in disapproval when she sees me and simpering sister Lulu does the same.
CURTIS: What am I, chopped liver? If Shotgun Prince Hubby tries to kick you outta his castle, all you gotta do is play the I-know-you-tried-to-have-me-killed card.
METROCOURT HOTEL ROOM
LIZ: I got rid of Haychel! I got rid of Haychel! At least I think I did. One well-placed threat to call the PCPD did the trick.
NIKOLAS: Bad Liz! I sorta kinda still like Haychel, even if she's the lying daughter of an infamous Madoff wannabe.
LIZ: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????
NIKOLAS: At least she didn't conspire with my kid to fake his disappearance and scare the crap out of me in the process!
SCOTT'S METROCOURT ROOM
SCOTT: I'm broke. Raymond Berlin robbed me blind.
AVA: And I need a service hedgehog to keep my underlings from roasting me at a luau. So, Scott Baldwin, will you be my service hedgehog?
SCOTT: When's the last time a hedgehog protected anyone from mob goons?
AVA: You're not just any old hedgehog, Scott. You're a SERVICE hedgehog!
Monday, March 28, 2016
Liz vs. Haychel
Liz and Hayden Barnes a.k.a. Rachel Berlin trade insults while Nikolas brings Sam back on the case to dig up dirt on his wife. Paul reaches out to Ava, but is rebuffed. Dr. Finn gets into it with Obrecht. Tracy mistakes Jason for Edward. Laura shows The Ouija Book that she found in the trunk at Wyndemere to Scott
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN/RACHEL/"HAYCHEL": But...but...but Nikolas, we LOVE each other, remember? We got married by The Burger King in a faux Vegas castle!
NIKOLAS: Lies, Haychel! ALL LIES!!! Our marriage was based on NOTHING BUT LIES!
HAYCHEL: Don't you get how tough it was to be the daughter of Bernie Madoff--I mean Raymond Berlin? I mean, come on, you come from a line of psycho grannies and freeze-dried popsicles!
NIKOLAS: LIES! All you told me are LIES!!! You wouldn't know the truth if it shot you in the head at a mob-run garage!
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Where's Dr. Finn? I WANT MY DAMN DOCTOR! NOW!!!
DR. OBRECHT: I am still filing ze paperwork for your Doctor Feen and his reptilian companion, Ms. Quartermaine.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
DR. FINN: Ooooooommmmmm! Say it with me, Roxy! Ooooooommmmmmm! Who says service lizards can't meditate?
WYNDEMERE ATTIC
LIZ: O to the MG! Hayden is Rachel Berlin. Rachel FREAKIN' Berlin! Can you believe it?
LAURA: Am I supposed to know who Rachel Berlin is? Wait, isn't she Raymond "Faux Bernie Madoff" Berlin's daughter?
LIZ: Um, YEAH! Nikolas is giving it to her real good! What's up with that musty old book?
LAURA: It was in The Trunk that The Key opened. A bunch of random letters were circled, like a ouija board or something. Do you think Helena's trying to send me an encrypted message?
LIZ: Who knows? I'm about to call the cops on Haychel. Wanna come cheer me on?
LAURA: Hello? Remember how Nikolas had Haychel SHOT?
KELLY'S
SAM: Are we not the happiest divorced couple EVER?
DANNY: What does divorced mean?
JASON: For me and your mom it means we get a do-over.
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Look who's BUSTED!!!!
HAYCHEL: Look who's popped three bastard BRATS outta her hoo-ha!
LIZ: Nikolas never loved you, HAYCHEL! He never loved The Britch either. The only woman he EVER loved was my bestie Emily.
HAYCHEL: Nikolas DID TOO love me! He took me to Vegas and married me in a fake castle IN FRONT OF A COURT JESTER for crying out loud! You know why? Because he's a PRINCE, that's why! You're too busy tattooing "TAKEN" on all the men you've slept with in this town.
LIZ: Face it, Hayden Rachel Haychel McMadoff, you and Nikolas are TOAST! Pack your crap because when Nikolas comes back, he's kicking you to the curb JUST like he did to the Britch, only you won't have an wanted international terrorist on the lam to catch a boat out of town with.
HOSPITAL
AVA: Screw you, Paul Hornsby! You put a giant bullseye on my back!
PAUL: I also kept your sexy art-lovin' ass out of jail, so you're welcome.
AVA: I don't recall thanking you for putting my Kiki in harms way in front of 200 assault rifles.
PAUL: You need my PROTECTION, Ava. From your own peeps. Let me PROTECT you, Ava.
AVA: Um, NOPE!
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DR. FINN: By the way, Ms. Q, if the meds don't kill the brain worms, the worms might kill YOU. Just thought you'd like to know.
TRACY: Nice to see you too, Dr. Finn. I thought your job was to DE-WORM my brain.
DR. FINN: I'll do the best I can, Ms. Q, but, well, there are an awful lot OF THEM up there. Their rate of reproduction is astounding.
TRACY: Great, now they're getting their 50 Shades of WORM SEX on IN MY BRAIN! Can't you feed them to your bearded lizard, or whatever it is the Mad Teutonic says you keep as a pet?
DR. FINN: Watch it, Ms. Q. Roxie is my SERVICE LIZARD!
METROCOURT ROOM
NIKOLAS: Sam, remember how I told you to cease and desist investigating my wife? Forget I said that. The investigation is back on. I need to know everything there is to know about one Rachel Berlin.
SAM: THE Rachel Berlin? The daughter of---
NIKOLAS: One and the same. Alias Hayden Barnes.
SAM: I KNEW she was running a con. I'm calling the cops.
NIKOLAS: Not so fast. I kinda sorta mighta done something that just might land me in the slammer if Haychel is investigated.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Daddy, I know I haven't been doing a good job keeping an eye on ELQ. You'd be spinning in your grave if you found out that the family business is now in the hands of Nikolas Cassadine.
JASON: Um...it's okay, sweetie pie. Do you want some milk and cookies before you go to bed?
TRACY: I have a plan to get ELQ back, Daddy. I'm going to make you proud of me. You see, there's this woman named Rachel...
JASON: Of course I'm proud of you, kiddo. Now tell me more about this Rachel?
SAM: As in Rachel "Hayden Barnes" Berlin?
JASON: Don't mind me. I'm just pretending to be the grandfather I don't remember having.
HOSPITAL LOBBY
DR. FINN: You let me treat Tracy or I'll have this place shut down for medical negligence. You let some idiot doctor drill into the woman's skull when the diagnosis was RIGHT THERE ON THE MRI! What competent doctor can't see WORMS ON THE BRAIN? Perhaps you might benefit from my protocol yourself, Dr. Obrecht.
DR. OBRECHT: You vill NOT shut down ZIS HOSPITAL and I DO NOT have VORMS in my brain, you heah me, Dr. Feen? ZERE ARE NO VORMS IN ZIS HIGHLY INTELLIGENT CEREBRAL CORTEX!
DR. FINN: All of this unpleasantness doesn't have to happen if you would just let me treat my patient without all of that obstructionist paperwork in the way. Oh, and I need an office with the thermostat set to 85 degrees. Roxie needs to get out more. Being stuck in a hotel all day is detrimental to her neurological development and I need my service lizard operating at full capacity at all times, Dr. Obrecht.
PAUL: Son, how is your mother doing with her brain worm thing?
DILLON: At least it isn't cancer, but the doc said the worms could still kill her if they have too much sex in her brain. Or something like that.
PAUL: Can I see her?
DILLON: Well, at the moment she's confusing Jason with our grandfather, so maybe she'll mistake you for someone she actually likes. On the other hand, why chance it?
KELLY'S
SCOTT: What are you doing with one of my old law school books from the '70s?
LAURA: Helena has turned this book into some kind of twisted ouija board and I'm trying to crack the code. How could she have gotten your old law textbook in the first place?
SCOTT: One of her goons probably got it for her off of eBay. What? I had to do some spring cleaning way back when.
LAURA: If I recall correctly, Helena didn't give a rat's patooty about you, Scott. She was too busy with her truly demented obsession with Luke. So why leave me The Key to The Trunk containing The Ouija Book?
SCOTT: Well, it turns out, one dark and stormy night in the not-quite-so-distant past, Helena and I...
LAURA: Don't go there, Scott. I BEG OF YOU, don't go there.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
DR. FINN: Hey Roxy you might want to close your eyes. I know how you feel about needles. You know what they say. Physician, heal thyself...
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN/RACHEL/"HAYCHEL": But...but...but Nikolas, we LOVE each other, remember? We got married by The Burger King in a faux Vegas castle!
NIKOLAS: Lies, Haychel! ALL LIES!!! Our marriage was based on NOTHING BUT LIES!
HAYCHEL: Don't you get how tough it was to be the daughter of Bernie Madoff--I mean Raymond Berlin? I mean, come on, you come from a line of psycho grannies and freeze-dried popsicles!
NIKOLAS: LIES! All you told me are LIES!!! You wouldn't know the truth if it shot you in the head at a mob-run garage!
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Where's Dr. Finn? I WANT MY DAMN DOCTOR! NOW!!!
DR. OBRECHT: I am still filing ze paperwork for your Doctor Feen and his reptilian companion, Ms. Quartermaine.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
DR. FINN: Ooooooommmmmm! Say it with me, Roxy! Ooooooommmmmmm! Who says service lizards can't meditate?
WYNDEMERE ATTIC
LIZ: O to the MG! Hayden is Rachel Berlin. Rachel FREAKIN' Berlin! Can you believe it?
LAURA: Am I supposed to know who Rachel Berlin is? Wait, isn't she Raymond "Faux Bernie Madoff" Berlin's daughter?
LIZ: Um, YEAH! Nikolas is giving it to her real good! What's up with that musty old book?
LAURA: It was in The Trunk that The Key opened. A bunch of random letters were circled, like a ouija board or something. Do you think Helena's trying to send me an encrypted message?
LIZ: Who knows? I'm about to call the cops on Haychel. Wanna come cheer me on?
LAURA: Hello? Remember how Nikolas had Haychel SHOT?
KELLY'S
SAM: Are we not the happiest divorced couple EVER?
DANNY: What does divorced mean?
JASON: For me and your mom it means we get a do-over.
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Look who's BUSTED!!!!
HAYCHEL: Look who's popped three bastard BRATS outta her hoo-ha!
LIZ: Nikolas never loved you, HAYCHEL! He never loved The Britch either. The only woman he EVER loved was my bestie Emily.
HAYCHEL: Nikolas DID TOO love me! He took me to Vegas and married me in a fake castle IN FRONT OF A COURT JESTER for crying out loud! You know why? Because he's a PRINCE, that's why! You're too busy tattooing "TAKEN" on all the men you've slept with in this town.
LIZ: Face it, Hayden Rachel Haychel McMadoff, you and Nikolas are TOAST! Pack your crap because when Nikolas comes back, he's kicking you to the curb JUST like he did to the Britch, only you won't have an wanted international terrorist on the lam to catch a boat out of town with.
HOSPITAL
AVA: Screw you, Paul Hornsby! You put a giant bullseye on my back!
PAUL: I also kept your sexy art-lovin' ass out of jail, so you're welcome.
AVA: I don't recall thanking you for putting my Kiki in harms way in front of 200 assault rifles.
PAUL: You need my PROTECTION, Ava. From your own peeps. Let me PROTECT you, Ava.
AVA: Um, NOPE!
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
DR. FINN: By the way, Ms. Q, if the meds don't kill the brain worms, the worms might kill YOU. Just thought you'd like to know.
TRACY: Nice to see you too, Dr. Finn. I thought your job was to DE-WORM my brain.
DR. FINN: I'll do the best I can, Ms. Q, but, well, there are an awful lot OF THEM up there. Their rate of reproduction is astounding.
TRACY: Great, now they're getting their 50 Shades of WORM SEX on IN MY BRAIN! Can't you feed them to your bearded lizard, or whatever it is the Mad Teutonic says you keep as a pet?
DR. FINN: Watch it, Ms. Q. Roxie is my SERVICE LIZARD!
METROCOURT ROOM
NIKOLAS: Sam, remember how I told you to cease and desist investigating my wife? Forget I said that. The investigation is back on. I need to know everything there is to know about one Rachel Berlin.
SAM: THE Rachel Berlin? The daughter of---
NIKOLAS: One and the same. Alias Hayden Barnes.
SAM: I KNEW she was running a con. I'm calling the cops.
NIKOLAS: Not so fast. I kinda sorta mighta done something that just might land me in the slammer if Haychel is investigated.
TRACY'S HOSPITAL ROOM
TRACY: Daddy, I know I haven't been doing a good job keeping an eye on ELQ. You'd be spinning in your grave if you found out that the family business is now in the hands of Nikolas Cassadine.
JASON: Um...it's okay, sweetie pie. Do you want some milk and cookies before you go to bed?
TRACY: I have a plan to get ELQ back, Daddy. I'm going to make you proud of me. You see, there's this woman named Rachel...
JASON: Of course I'm proud of you, kiddo. Now tell me more about this Rachel?
SAM: As in Rachel "Hayden Barnes" Berlin?
JASON: Don't mind me. I'm just pretending to be the grandfather I don't remember having.
HOSPITAL LOBBY
DR. FINN: You let me treat Tracy or I'll have this place shut down for medical negligence. You let some idiot doctor drill into the woman's skull when the diagnosis was RIGHT THERE ON THE MRI! What competent doctor can't see WORMS ON THE BRAIN? Perhaps you might benefit from my protocol yourself, Dr. Obrecht.
DR. OBRECHT: You vill NOT shut down ZIS HOSPITAL and I DO NOT have VORMS in my brain, you heah me, Dr. Feen? ZERE ARE NO VORMS IN ZIS HIGHLY INTELLIGENT CEREBRAL CORTEX!
DR. FINN: All of this unpleasantness doesn't have to happen if you would just let me treat my patient without all of that obstructionist paperwork in the way. Oh, and I need an office with the thermostat set to 85 degrees. Roxie needs to get out more. Being stuck in a hotel all day is detrimental to her neurological development and I need my service lizard operating at full capacity at all times, Dr. Obrecht.
PAUL: Son, how is your mother doing with her brain worm thing?
DILLON: At least it isn't cancer, but the doc said the worms could still kill her if they have too much sex in her brain. Or something like that.
PAUL: Can I see her?
DILLON: Well, at the moment she's confusing Jason with our grandfather, so maybe she'll mistake you for someone she actually likes. On the other hand, why chance it?
KELLY'S
SCOTT: What are you doing with one of my old law school books from the '70s?
LAURA: Helena has turned this book into some kind of twisted ouija board and I'm trying to crack the code. How could she have gotten your old law textbook in the first place?
SCOTT: One of her goons probably got it for her off of eBay. What? I had to do some spring cleaning way back when.
LAURA: If I recall correctly, Helena didn't give a rat's patooty about you, Scott. She was too busy with her truly demented obsession with Luke. So why leave me The Key to The Trunk containing The Ouija Book?
SCOTT: Well, it turns out, one dark and stormy night in the not-quite-so-distant past, Helena and I...
LAURA: Don't go there, Scott. I BEG OF YOU, don't go there.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
DR. FINN: Hey Roxy you might want to close your eyes. I know how you feel about needles. You know what they say. Physician, heal thyself...
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Playing Hooky
I'm ducking out of the blog early this week. Don't worry. I'm okay. Just very busy. Today's show was a snoozefest anyway. I'll be back on Monday. Have a nice weekend and Happy Easter!
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Foxy Roxy: Service Lizard
Dr. Hamilton Finn, not to be confused with Silas Clay, John McBain, Caleb Morley, or Stephen Clay (or Michael Easton himself, for that matter!) is an intriguing new Port Chucklehead with a most unusual BFF: A "service lizard" named Roxy, who dines on crickets and lettuce, prefers male company (except for Carly), and kicks ass at hide and seek. This is the guy Monica brought in to remove the worms from Tracy's brain...
Over at Wyndemere, Liz overhears Hayden utter the name Naomi Dreyfus and Hayden is seeing red. Laura, clutching The Key in her hands, tries to convince Nikolas to search for meaning in The Helena Painting. Monica and Tracy threaten legal action against Obrecht. Kristina and Sonny clear the air, but Krissy is still leaving out a very important piece of information about her professor.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
MAID: OMG!!!! IT'S A...IT'S A...IT'S A...I'M NEVER GOING IN THIS ROOM AGAIN!!!
CARLY: I come bearing bubbles! It's the least I could do after we got shut down for bogus health code violations. Why is my maid screaming bloody murder?
DR. FINN: She had a little run-in with Roxy, my service lizard.
CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT???? A service LIZARD???? What did you do, kidnap the Geico Gecko?
DR. FINN: You'll realize the absurdity of your comment once you meet her. Don't look now, but she's right behind you and she's a bit of a misogynist.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: Naomi Dreyfus, what have you been up to? (types "Naomi Dreyfus" in the fake Port Chuckles search engine)
LIZ: Naomi Dreyfus? Who's she? Am I supposed to know her?
HAYDEN: Not if you know what's good for you. Now go downtown and take the M Train to the YOB and make sure it's a one-way ticket.
LIZ: You can't kick me out of here. I'm Nikolas's bestie!
HAYDEN: I'm his WIFE! I give him Le Petit Mort. He buys 6,000 thread count sheets for ME! You're just here because your house exploded. KABOOM!
HOSPITAL
DR. OBRECHT: I cannot allow zis Doctor Feen to practice medicine in zis hospital vissout ze proper paperwork. I'm ze boss and I make ze rules.
TRACY: And my family pays "ZE MONEY" to "ZIS HOSPITAL" so you can shove your leiderhosen where the sun don't shine!
DR. OBRECHT: Aah you sreatening me, Ms. Quartermaine? I do not take kindly to sreats.
MONICA: Threats wouldn't be necessary if your put aside your lust for bureaucracy and let Dr. Finn treat his patient.
KELLY'S
LAURA: Aren't you the LEAST bit curious about The Helena Painting, Nikolas?
NIKOLAS: NOPE!
LAURA: Don't you want to know if there's some sort of hidden meaning in it?
NIKOLAS: NOPE!
LAURA: What do you think this key unlocks? I've been holding it in my hand for three straight days. I've even slept with it.
NIKOLAS: Probably one of the 9,000 steamer trunks that have been gathering dust in the attic since the 19th century. You might want to wear a mask if you go up there.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
SONNY: Kristina, I'm sorry for goin' all Sonny Corinthos on you about your situation at school.
KRISTINA: Thanks, Dad. It's big of you to apologize, but I did screw the pooch by getting into this mess in the first place.
SONNY: Your professor screwed the pooch even MORE by takin' advantage of you. That's why I sicced Max on the school, to try and hunt down that professor and MAKE HIM PAY for gettin' you kicked out.
KRISTINA: Say WHAAAAAAAT???? You sicked THE MOB on Wesleyan???? Bad idea, Dad. I've been trying to shake the mob princess rap for, like, three years even if I was a totally different person then. I got myself into this mess so let ME get myself OUT. Call Max off, like, yesterday!
SONNY: If you want to call Max off, you're gonna have to do it YOURSELF because, you know, independence and all that.
HOSPITAL
MONICA: If you don't let Dr. Finn de-worm Tracy's brain because of bureaucratic red tape, you might as well have "Sue Me" tattooed on your forehead.
TRACY: And sue you I will.
DR. OBRECHT: Very vell. If you aah going to play it like zat, I vill let ze man viss ze bearded dragon remove ze vorms from Ms. Quartermaine's brain. Now if you vill excuse me, I have to inspect ze NutriGruel. Someone in ze kitchen has been slacking off.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
DR. FINN: Come on, Roxy. Eat your lettuce or you don't get any crickets for dessert.
ROXY: Playing hardball, are we, Finn? Are you gonna take away my iPad too?
DR. FINN: Keep giving me lizard lip and I just might. (phone rings)
MONICA: (over phone) Dr. Finn, we got the Mad Teutonic off your back. How's Roxy settling in?
DR. FINN: As soon as I found the thermostat and set it to 85, she's as happy as a lizard can be. I'll be right over to initiate the worm removal protocol.
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
CARLY: How's Kristina?
SONNY: Right as rain. We made up. How's business at the hotel?
CARLY: Well, besides the fact that I met my first and probably last service lizard, who scarred my chambermaid for life, it's business as usual. MetroCourt 1: Battleax Lomax: Nada!
SONNY: A lizard? What the hell?
CARLY: You have not met the newest doctor at GH yet. It's so weird, he looks JUST like Silas Clay, who looked JUST like John McBain and that vampire guy. How many dopplegangers can one man have?
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Let me take a look-see at Hayden's search history. Who IS this Naomi Dreyfus?
Over at Wyndemere, Liz overhears Hayden utter the name Naomi Dreyfus and Hayden is seeing red. Laura, clutching The Key in her hands, tries to convince Nikolas to search for meaning in The Helena Painting. Monica and Tracy threaten legal action against Obrecht. Kristina and Sonny clear the air, but Krissy is still leaving out a very important piece of information about her professor.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
MAID: OMG!!!! IT'S A...IT'S A...IT'S A...I'M NEVER GOING IN THIS ROOM AGAIN!!!
CARLY: I come bearing bubbles! It's the least I could do after we got shut down for bogus health code violations. Why is my maid screaming bloody murder?
DR. FINN: She had a little run-in with Roxy, my service lizard.
CARLY: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT???? A service LIZARD???? What did you do, kidnap the Geico Gecko?
DR. FINN: You'll realize the absurdity of your comment once you meet her. Don't look now, but she's right behind you and she's a bit of a misogynist.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: Naomi Dreyfus, what have you been up to? (types "Naomi Dreyfus" in the fake Port Chuckles search engine)
LIZ: Naomi Dreyfus? Who's she? Am I supposed to know her?
HAYDEN: Not if you know what's good for you. Now go downtown and take the M Train to the YOB and make sure it's a one-way ticket.
LIZ: You can't kick me out of here. I'm Nikolas's bestie!
HAYDEN: I'm his WIFE! I give him Le Petit Mort. He buys 6,000 thread count sheets for ME! You're just here because your house exploded. KABOOM!
HOSPITAL
DR. OBRECHT: I cannot allow zis Doctor Feen to practice medicine in zis hospital vissout ze proper paperwork. I'm ze boss and I make ze rules.
TRACY: And my family pays "ZE MONEY" to "ZIS HOSPITAL" so you can shove your leiderhosen where the sun don't shine!
DR. OBRECHT: Aah you sreatening me, Ms. Quartermaine? I do not take kindly to sreats.
MONICA: Threats wouldn't be necessary if your put aside your lust for bureaucracy and let Dr. Finn treat his patient.
KELLY'S
LAURA: Aren't you the LEAST bit curious about The Helena Painting, Nikolas?
NIKOLAS: NOPE!
LAURA: Don't you want to know if there's some sort of hidden meaning in it?
NIKOLAS: NOPE!
LAURA: What do you think this key unlocks? I've been holding it in my hand for three straight days. I've even slept with it.
NIKOLAS: Probably one of the 9,000 steamer trunks that have been gathering dust in the attic since the 19th century. You might want to wear a mask if you go up there.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
SONNY: Kristina, I'm sorry for goin' all Sonny Corinthos on you about your situation at school.
KRISTINA: Thanks, Dad. It's big of you to apologize, but I did screw the pooch by getting into this mess in the first place.
SONNY: Your professor screwed the pooch even MORE by takin' advantage of you. That's why I sicced Max on the school, to try and hunt down that professor and MAKE HIM PAY for gettin' you kicked out.
KRISTINA: Say WHAAAAAAAT???? You sicked THE MOB on Wesleyan???? Bad idea, Dad. I've been trying to shake the mob princess rap for, like, three years even if I was a totally different person then. I got myself into this mess so let ME get myself OUT. Call Max off, like, yesterday!
SONNY: If you want to call Max off, you're gonna have to do it YOURSELF because, you know, independence and all that.
HOSPITAL
MONICA: If you don't let Dr. Finn de-worm Tracy's brain because of bureaucratic red tape, you might as well have "Sue Me" tattooed on your forehead.
TRACY: And sue you I will.
DR. OBRECHT: Very vell. If you aah going to play it like zat, I vill let ze man viss ze bearded dragon remove ze vorms from Ms. Quartermaine's brain. Now if you vill excuse me, I have to inspect ze NutriGruel. Someone in ze kitchen has been slacking off.
DR. FINN'S METROCOURT ROOM
DR. FINN: Come on, Roxy. Eat your lettuce or you don't get any crickets for dessert.
ROXY: Playing hardball, are we, Finn? Are you gonna take away my iPad too?
DR. FINN: Keep giving me lizard lip and I just might. (phone rings)
MONICA: (over phone) Dr. Finn, we got the Mad Teutonic off your back. How's Roxy settling in?
DR. FINN: As soon as I found the thermostat and set it to 85, she's as happy as a lizard can be. I'll be right over to initiate the worm removal protocol.
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
CARLY: How's Kristina?
SONNY: Right as rain. We made up. How's business at the hotel?
CARLY: Well, besides the fact that I met my first and probably last service lizard, who scarred my chambermaid for life, it's business as usual. MetroCourt 1: Battleax Lomax: Nada!
SONNY: A lizard? What the hell?
CARLY: You have not met the newest doctor at GH yet. It's so weird, he looks JUST like Silas Clay, who looked JUST like John McBain and that vampire guy. How many dopplegangers can one man have?
WYNDEMERE
LIZ: Let me take a look-see at Hayden's search history. Who IS this Naomi Dreyfus?
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