Maxie and Dillon are horrified to see a dead body in the harbor. Valerie gives Maxie and Nathan an earful about the rumors that she's preggers. Sonny marries Carly in the hospital chapel and Josslyn returns showing symptoms of SORAS. Paul has a job for Ava. Anna feels the heat as questions about Carrrrrrrrrlos's whereabouts continue.
PIER 54
MAXIE: Word of advice, Dillon: Get over Lulu. Like, yesterday!
DILLON: Sure, Maxie. I'll just wave a magic wand and my feelings for Lulu will just disappear. POOF!
MAXIE: AAAAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKK!
DILLON: Drama queen much, Maxie?
MAXIE: Water...Body...Dead...OMG OMG OMG!
DILLON: Someone's celebrating Halloween a little early.
HOSPITAL CHAPEL
JOSSLYN: I'm back, Mom. Did you miss me while I was down under?
CARLY: OMG, Joss, how you've...grown up! What's in the water in Australia?
JOSSLYN: Nothing a corn-fed girl can't handle.
CARLY: Phew! Still my child of the corn!
PCPD
VALERIE: SCREW YOU, Nathan! Thanks for making the whole town think I was PREGNANT! I am never buying fake Twizzlers for you guys AGAIN!
NATHAN: My bad. It was a case of mistaken identity.
VALERIE: PFFFFFFFFT! Next time you've got a hot tip on a pee stick, get your story straight first.
GALLERY
PAUL: I have an assignment for you, Ava. I need you to handle some transactions for some friends of mine.
AVA: No can do. I have to look squeaky clean so I can keep my daughter and farm her out to sitters I find on Craigslist.
PAUL: I've got a flash drive and I'm not afraid to use it.
AVA: Can I give you a raincheck on the money laundering? I'll be happy to do it once I make sure Avery is cared for by MY nannies instead of Sonny's.
HOSPITAL CHAPEL
SONNY: Well, are we going to have a wedding here or what?
CARLY: Why is everyone all dressed up and I look like Casual Friday?
BOBBIE: Instant wedding dress coming right up!
PCPD
JORDAN: Anna, do you happen to know where Carrrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrriverrrrrra is?
ANNA: Last I saw, he was on the Mad Men season finale, meditating with Don Draper. If you want to find Carrrrrrrrlos, ask Don.
JORDAN: Why did I let my Netflix subscription expire?
GALLERY
ANNA: Liar, liar, pants on fire!
AVA: This is a art gallery, EX-Commish, not a poetry reading.
ANNA: I know Carrrrrrrrrlos didn't shoot Sonny.
AVA: Oh really?
ANNA: He was on the run for murdering Duke. He boarded a time machine and ended up in the early 1970s, searching for inner peace.
AVA: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
PIER 54
NATHAN: Damn, Halloween comes early in this town!
JORDAN: Let's drag his ghoulish body out of the harbor and see if he has any ID on him. (checks wallet) How interesting. It's the man we're all looking for. Carrrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrrriverrrrrra.
MAXIE: OMG! OMG! The horror! I'm SO going to have PTSD now.
CHAPEL
SONNY: Sweet Caroline! Good times never felt so good!
CARLY: You are the SON-shine of my life, Michael.
REVEREND: I now pronounce you husband and...
DANTE'S PHONE: RING RING RING RING
EVERYONE: Dammit, Dante! Ever heard of vibrate?
DANTE: Gotta go. A body turned up in the harbor. It couldn't just wait until the 31st.
REVEREND: I now pronounce you husband and wife.
SONNY & CARLY: PHEW!
DANTE: It was Carrrrrrrrlos. The body has been identified as Carrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrriverrrrrra.
SABRINA: OMG! NOT CARRRRRRRRLOS! (starts sobbing)
PCPD INTERROGATION ROOM
MAXIE: So whose bun is in your oven, Valerie, if it isn't Dillon's?
VALERIE: A. Witnesses don't get to interrogate PCPD employees in here. B. I'M NOT FLIPPIN' PREGNANT!
MAXIE: But you were STANDING right next to a TRASH CAN with a PEE STICK in it!
VALERIE: Allow me to introduce you to the concept of circumstantial evidence...
PIER 54
PAUL: Look who we found, Anna! It's Carrrrrrrrrlos Rrrrrrrrrriverrrrrrra. Any thoughts on, I don't know, how this might have happened.
ANNA: DeLorean accident?
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Grab That Binky!
This is going to be another quick blog because it's been a busy day.
SONNY'S ICU ROOM
SONNY: You BETRAYED ME! Stay out of the mob you two and THAT'S AN ORDER!
MICHAEL: All I did was talk to a bunch of mobsters and some dude they bring along to keep the peace, but hey, whatever you say, Dad.
MORGAN: Yeah, we don't want to piss you off, Dad, because bad stuff happens when we piss you off.
HOSPITAL CHAPEL
SABRINA: Please, God, find Carrrrrrrrlos and tell me why I had to go and get pregnant.
FELIX: You're PG? Why so glum? Hormones?
SABRINA: Because the last time I got pregnant, my baby daddy's car got run off the road and Gabriel died. I'm afraid the universe doesn't want me to have a kid.
PCPD
FRANCO: Where's Kiki Where's Kiki Where's Kiki Where's Kiki?
NATHAN: SHUT THE HELL UP, FRANCO!
NINA: Jay, can't you let him talk to Kiki so he'll stop driving us all crazy?
KIKI: Go away, fake daddy and even faker mommy!
DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT
OLIVIA: Dante, meet Leo, but around Julian you have to call him Mateo.
DANTE: Cute kid. This is a really, REALLY bad idea.
BABY LEO: Preach it, bro!
METROCOURT
JULIAN: Let's have another kid.
ALEXIS: How flattering that you think I haven't gone through The Change. But hey, we can always adopt, right?
HOSPITAL
SONNY: Get me THE HELL out of here so I can marry Carly, get Avery back and go after YOUR FATHER!
LUCAS: Sorry, Sonny. No can do. Despite your threats to my father, I'm supposed to help keep you alive.
METROCOURT
OLIVIA: Alexis, meet Mateo. He appeared in a basket on my doorstep at Bensonhurst.
BABY LEO: (translated from baby): Liar!
ALEXIS: Quickest. Adoption. EVER. Congrats, Olivia! (Olivia leaves, forgets Leo's binky. Alexis takes a bar napkin, snatches the binky and puts it in her purse)
CHAPEL
SONNY: If I'm stuck in this goddamned HOSPITAL, I guess this place will do for a wedding.
SONNY'S ICU ROOM
SONNY: You BETRAYED ME! Stay out of the mob you two and THAT'S AN ORDER!
MICHAEL: All I did was talk to a bunch of mobsters and some dude they bring along to keep the peace, but hey, whatever you say, Dad.
MORGAN: Yeah, we don't want to piss you off, Dad, because bad stuff happens when we piss you off.
HOSPITAL CHAPEL
SABRINA: Please, God, find Carrrrrrrrlos and tell me why I had to go and get pregnant.
FELIX: You're PG? Why so glum? Hormones?
SABRINA: Because the last time I got pregnant, my baby daddy's car got run off the road and Gabriel died. I'm afraid the universe doesn't want me to have a kid.
PCPD
FRANCO: Where's Kiki Where's Kiki Where's Kiki Where's Kiki?
NATHAN: SHUT THE HELL UP, FRANCO!
NINA: Jay, can't you let him talk to Kiki so he'll stop driving us all crazy?
KIKI: Go away, fake daddy and even faker mommy!
DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT
OLIVIA: Dante, meet Leo, but around Julian you have to call him Mateo.
DANTE: Cute kid. This is a really, REALLY bad idea.
BABY LEO: Preach it, bro!
METROCOURT
JULIAN: Let's have another kid.
ALEXIS: How flattering that you think I haven't gone through The Change. But hey, we can always adopt, right?
HOSPITAL
SONNY: Get me THE HELL out of here so I can marry Carly, get Avery back and go after YOUR FATHER!
LUCAS: Sorry, Sonny. No can do. Despite your threats to my father, I'm supposed to help keep you alive.
METROCOURT
OLIVIA: Alexis, meet Mateo. He appeared in a basket on my doorstep at Bensonhurst.
BABY LEO: (translated from baby): Liar!
ALEXIS: Quickest. Adoption. EVER. Congrats, Olivia! (Olivia leaves, forgets Leo's binky. Alexis takes a bar napkin, snatches the binky and puts it in her purse)
CHAPEL
SONNY: If I'm stuck in this goddamned HOSPITAL, I guess this place will do for a wedding.
Monday, October 12, 2015
R.I.P. Goliath The Gargoyle
Things get slippery for Sam and Jake as they try to avoid being caught sneaking around Wyndemere. Lulu lashes out at Dillon after he kisses her. Jordan is fed up with the Dante and Valerie drama. Kiki spins out of control at The Floating Rib. A phone call kills the moment for Franco and Nina.
WYNDEMERE
SAM: Do you happen to have any parachutes on you? We have to get the hell out of this place NOW!
JAKE: Sorry, no chutes, but we can always walk sideways along ledges as if Escape from Wyndemere was some kind of video game. This place looks like it belongs in one, that's for sure.
SAM: It's worth a shot. I'll go first.
GOLIATH THE GARGOYLE: Watch the...AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!
SAM: (slips) OW!
JAKE: I got you, Sam. WHEW, that was close.
HAYDEN & NIKOLAS: What was THAT?
NIKOLAS: You stay here. I'm going to check it out.
HAUNTED STAR
LULU: What the HELL, Dillon? That kiss was all kinds of WRONG! I'm NOT in love with you.
DILLON: Divorce Dante, Lulu! He's no good for you. He and Valerie...
LULU: Hello? Behind the times much? Dante kissing Valerie was SO three months ago! We're WAY over that now.
DILLON: But he...
LULU: No buts, Dillon! I'm SO not divorcing my husband for you because he and I are like peas and carrots and THAT'S FINAL!
PCPD
JORDAN: What's wrong, Valerie?
VALERIE: Dante accused me of being PREGNANT!
JORDAN: Well, are you?
VALERIE: PFFFFFFFT! NO! I bought some fake Twizzlers and they turned into a PG test. Next time I'll spring for the real ones.
JORDAN: How DARE he accuse you of having his bun in your oven! I'm going to go yell at him.
FRANCO, NINA & KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: This death apartment needs an extreme makeover to exorcise the ghost of Silas.
KIKI: How DARE you try to erase my father from his own apartment.
NINA: It's not his apartment anymore, Kiki. I bought it from Babs. I bought it, Kiki, and I'm going to make it scream NINA!
KIKI: Gag me!
FRANCO: Come on, ladies! Let's sing Kumbaya and hug this out.
KIKI: There will be NO hugging anything out. The only thing that's out is ME! I'm gonna go to the Floating Rib and get some more booze in me.
THE FLOATING RIB
MORGAN: Dammit, Ava, what are you doing here without Avery superglued to you?
AVA: I have to earn a living, you know. To support my child.
MORGAN: While running the Jerome mafia? Puh-LEASE!
AVA: Look, Morgan, I know you hate me with the fire of a thousand flaming suns, but can you make Kiki not hate me with the fire of a thousand flaming suns?
MORGAN: PFFFFFT! She hates ME with the fire of a thousand flaming suns too, remember?
KIKI: Booze me!
MORGAN: Hey Kiki, you think you might want to cut back a little?
KIKI: SCREW YOU, Morgan! Because you couldn't stop SCREWING my mother!
AVA: Kiki....
KIKI: GO TO HELL, BITCH!
BARTENDER: That's it. You're cut off.
KIKI: (throws shot glass) NOBODY cuts Kiki Jerome off. NOBODY! (smashes vodka bottle)
MORGAN: Who does she think she is tossing barware? My dad?
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: It looks like ol' Goliath bit the dust. Spencer will be devastated.
HAYDEN: Who's Goliath? Do I want to know?
NIKOLAS: Spencer's favorite gargoyle. Let's go downstairs and see if we can glue him back together before the kid notices that his Humpty Dumpty took a great fall.
SAM: I can't walk. I sprained my ankle trying to make my badass superhero escape.
JAKE: No sweat. I'll carry you like I'm the superhero.
SAM: So glad Patrick won't see this.
DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT
LULU: UGH! Dillon kissed me!
DANTE: At least you're appropriately disgusted.
LULU: You're so understanding, Dante. That's why I love you soooooooooo much!
DANTE: Don't give me too much credit. I can be an ass on occasion.
LULU: PFFFFFFFT! You have made exactly ONE mistake and we're totally over that mistake of you kissing Valerie.
FRANCO & NINA & KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: Let's talk about sex, Franco. What if I suck at it?
FRANCO: You did have sex with Silas and Ric, didn't you?
NINA: With Silas, yes. Ric, I totally lied about all the sex we were having because I was pissed at you and wanted to make you jealous.
FRANCO: Well, it kinda worked because I pretended to be swapping ABC gum with a nonexistent woman named Denise DiMuccio. Let's just start with making out and take it from there.
PCPD
JORDAN: Dante, you assclown! How DARE you get in Valerie's face about a pee stick ON COMPANY TIME! I'm sick of this drama between the two of you. This angst. This is a police department, not a soap opera, you hear me?
DANTE: I'm sorry, Commish. I shouldn't let my infidelity angst get in the way of fighting crime in this city.
HAUNTED STAR
VALERIE: We should start an unrequited love support group, Dillon.
DILLON: Tell me about it. I kissed Lulu and she went running and screaming like Lucy after being kissed by Snoopy. Tell me, Valerie, do I kiss like a beagle?
VALERIE: More like a German Shepherd.
DILLON: So I DO kiss like a dog!
VALERIE: Kidding! But hey, we might as well be lovesick puppies together.
DILLON: I'm cool with that, as long as we lay off the dog imagery. My ego's been through enough today.
FRANCO/NINA/ KIKI APARTMENT
NINA: Okay, I'm ready for sex now
FRANCO: (cell phone rings) Sorry, Nina. It could be my fake daughter sending out an SOS
MORGAN: (over phone) Franco, it's Morgan. Kiki's been cuffed.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: Can we hold off on Le Petit Mort tonight Nikolas? Falling gargoyles kinda killed the mood.
NIKOLAS: Damn Goliath!
WYNDEMERE
SAM: Do you happen to have any parachutes on you? We have to get the hell out of this place NOW!
JAKE: Sorry, no chutes, but we can always walk sideways along ledges as if Escape from Wyndemere was some kind of video game. This place looks like it belongs in one, that's for sure.
SAM: It's worth a shot. I'll go first.
GOLIATH THE GARGOYLE: Watch the...AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!
SAM: (slips) OW!
JAKE: I got you, Sam. WHEW, that was close.
HAYDEN & NIKOLAS: What was THAT?
NIKOLAS: You stay here. I'm going to check it out.
HAUNTED STAR
LULU: What the HELL, Dillon? That kiss was all kinds of WRONG! I'm NOT in love with you.
DILLON: Divorce Dante, Lulu! He's no good for you. He and Valerie...
LULU: Hello? Behind the times much? Dante kissing Valerie was SO three months ago! We're WAY over that now.
DILLON: But he...
LULU: No buts, Dillon! I'm SO not divorcing my husband for you because he and I are like peas and carrots and THAT'S FINAL!
PCPD
JORDAN: What's wrong, Valerie?
VALERIE: Dante accused me of being PREGNANT!
JORDAN: Well, are you?
VALERIE: PFFFFFFFT! NO! I bought some fake Twizzlers and they turned into a PG test. Next time I'll spring for the real ones.
JORDAN: How DARE he accuse you of having his bun in your oven! I'm going to go yell at him.
FRANCO, NINA & KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: This death apartment needs an extreme makeover to exorcise the ghost of Silas.
KIKI: How DARE you try to erase my father from his own apartment.
NINA: It's not his apartment anymore, Kiki. I bought it from Babs. I bought it, Kiki, and I'm going to make it scream NINA!
KIKI: Gag me!
FRANCO: Come on, ladies! Let's sing Kumbaya and hug this out.
KIKI: There will be NO hugging anything out. The only thing that's out is ME! I'm gonna go to the Floating Rib and get some more booze in me.
THE FLOATING RIB
MORGAN: Dammit, Ava, what are you doing here without Avery superglued to you?
AVA: I have to earn a living, you know. To support my child.
MORGAN: While running the Jerome mafia? Puh-LEASE!
AVA: Look, Morgan, I know you hate me with the fire of a thousand flaming suns, but can you make Kiki not hate me with the fire of a thousand flaming suns?
MORGAN: PFFFFFT! She hates ME with the fire of a thousand flaming suns too, remember?
KIKI: Booze me!
MORGAN: Hey Kiki, you think you might want to cut back a little?
KIKI: SCREW YOU, Morgan! Because you couldn't stop SCREWING my mother!
AVA: Kiki....
KIKI: GO TO HELL, BITCH!
BARTENDER: That's it. You're cut off.
KIKI: (throws shot glass) NOBODY cuts Kiki Jerome off. NOBODY! (smashes vodka bottle)
MORGAN: Who does she think she is tossing barware? My dad?
WYNDEMERE
NIKOLAS: It looks like ol' Goliath bit the dust. Spencer will be devastated.
HAYDEN: Who's Goliath? Do I want to know?
NIKOLAS: Spencer's favorite gargoyle. Let's go downstairs and see if we can glue him back together before the kid notices that his Humpty Dumpty took a great fall.
SAM: I can't walk. I sprained my ankle trying to make my badass superhero escape.
JAKE: No sweat. I'll carry you like I'm the superhero.
SAM: So glad Patrick won't see this.
DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT
LULU: UGH! Dillon kissed me!
DANTE: At least you're appropriately disgusted.
LULU: You're so understanding, Dante. That's why I love you soooooooooo much!
DANTE: Don't give me too much credit. I can be an ass on occasion.
LULU: PFFFFFFFT! You have made exactly ONE mistake and we're totally over that mistake of you kissing Valerie.
FRANCO & NINA & KIKI'S APARTMENT
NINA: Let's talk about sex, Franco. What if I suck at it?
FRANCO: You did have sex with Silas and Ric, didn't you?
NINA: With Silas, yes. Ric, I totally lied about all the sex we were having because I was pissed at you and wanted to make you jealous.
FRANCO: Well, it kinda worked because I pretended to be swapping ABC gum with a nonexistent woman named Denise DiMuccio. Let's just start with making out and take it from there.
PCPD
JORDAN: Dante, you assclown! How DARE you get in Valerie's face about a pee stick ON COMPANY TIME! I'm sick of this drama between the two of you. This angst. This is a police department, not a soap opera, you hear me?
DANTE: I'm sorry, Commish. I shouldn't let my infidelity angst get in the way of fighting crime in this city.
HAUNTED STAR
VALERIE: We should start an unrequited love support group, Dillon.
DILLON: Tell me about it. I kissed Lulu and she went running and screaming like Lucy after being kissed by Snoopy. Tell me, Valerie, do I kiss like a beagle?
VALERIE: More like a German Shepherd.
DILLON: So I DO kiss like a dog!
VALERIE: Kidding! But hey, we might as well be lovesick puppies together.
DILLON: I'm cool with that, as long as we lay off the dog imagery. My ego's been through enough today.
FRANCO/NINA/ KIKI APARTMENT
NINA: Okay, I'm ready for sex now
FRANCO: (cell phone rings) Sorry, Nina. It could be my fake daughter sending out an SOS
MORGAN: (over phone) Franco, it's Morgan. Kiki's been cuffed.
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: Can we hold off on Le Petit Mort tonight Nikolas? Falling gargoyles kinda killed the mood.
NIKOLAS: Damn Goliath!
Friday, October 9, 2015
Who Do You Think You Are?
Dante pisses off Valerie by asking her about the pee stick Nathan found. Dillon is tempted to spill the beans to Lulu about Dante's one-nighter with Valerie. Jake and Sam are on a fact-finding mission at Wyndemere as Hayden goes to town on Nikolas's dime. Laura is concerned about Li'l Jake's state of mind and Liz's decision to marry Jason without telling him who he really is. Julian has questions when he spots Olivia with a baby.
PCPD
DANTE: Look what I found! Tell me this doesn't mean you've got one in the oven.
VALERIE: A pregnancy test? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's been THREE MONTHS! Don't you think I'd KNOW by now if I was IN THE FAMILY WAY??? This is SO not mine, but whoever's it is, I hope she didn't pee on my fake Twizzlers.
DANTE: Well THAT'S a monkey off my back.
VALERIE: Are you calling my nonexistent unborn child a MONKEY?
DANTE: It's a figure of speech, Valerie. There's no kid, no monkey, and I'm sorry for implying that there might be a life form in your uterus.
VALERIE: I forgive you, which sucks because I really, really, REALLY want to hate you.
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: Um, Lulu, I have to tell you something.
LULU: Yeah, I know you're in love with me. I just coerced the truth out of Maxie. I totally get why you have feelings for me. I'm Lulu FREAKIN' Spencer and I'm just the awesomesauce! BUT, and there is always a but, I'm taken.
DILLON: Dante's a total dirtbag! You deserve better.
LULU: Dillon! That's my sexy cop HUSBAND you're talking about! We're gonna have another BAY-BAY!
DILLON: But he's done you wrong, like in many a country song.
LULU: I get that your heart is breaking in a million pieces right now because you can't have me, but Dante and me are like PEAS and CARROTS, Dillon. PEAS AND CARROTS!
KELLY'S
JAKE: T-minus 4 weeks to figure out who the hell I really am.
SAM: Why the sudden urgency?
JAKE: Because Laura said so. She said it would be hella awkward if I didn't know my real last name at my own wedding and I kinda agree. Besides, Doe is kinda dopey, don't you think?
SAM: Feel like breaking into Wyndemere again?
HAYDEN: Did I clean out the stores of Port Chuckles or what? I even found some fun stuff at that Sad Robe Store on Rte 31.
NIKOLAS: So, are you going to show me some of your loot or what? After all, whose limitless credit card financed your shopping spree?
HAYDEN: Check this out. I even snuck this little number on in the dressing room. Don't worry, I paid for it. I mean, YOU did.
NIKOLAS: Way to flash me in a coffee house, Hayden. I feel like some Petit Mort. Let's get the hell out of here.
SAM: Well, look who the cat dragged in! My least favorite cousin and his lying skank of a...What exactly is she to you, Nikolas?
HAYDEN: You're not on the top of his list either, Sam, and you're not on the top of mine either. As a matter of fact, I think you are the black sheep of his family. Baaaaaaaa! Baaaaaaaa!
METROCOURT HALLWAY
JULIAN: Are my eyes playing tricks on me, or do I see Olivia Falconeri holding a baby who looks to be, oh, about four, five months old? Let's do a little math, shall we?
OLIVIA: Julian, meet baby...Mateo. Someone dropped him in a basket at the front steps of my church in Bensonhurst. Poor li'l thing needed a home.
JULIAN: That's funny, because his blanket says Leo.
OLIVIA: Forgive me for not having time to go blanket shopping, Julian. This baby just...appeared!
BABY LEO: (translated from Baby) I'm so CONFUSED! Why is mommy calling me Mateo to this man? I thought my name was Leo. I don't remember anything about a church or a basket. Just a whole lot of people yelling and then this girl Brook Lynn and a bunch of people with accents.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LAURA: So you're really going to do it, Elizabeth? You're really going to marry a man with amnesia and a fake last name?
LIZ: So he can't remember his past, so what? He lives in the moment. Besides, if I tell him he's Jason then I ruin Patrick's life AND my own!
LAURA: Funny thing about memory, Elizabeth. It has a way of coming back when you least expect it.
LI'L JAKE: Hi Mom. Hi, lady I think might be my grandma.
LIZ: What happened to your eye? Did someone beat you up?
LI'L JAKE: No, I just fell.
LAURA: What was life like on that island?
LI'L JAKE: I don't know. Fun I guess.
LIZ: Let me do my nursey thing to your eye so you can go play.
WYNDEMERE
SAM: Dammit, Nikolas's laptop isn't here. Is he hiding it from me? His OWN COUSIN?
JAKE: Where else could it be?
HAYDEN: Time for a fashion show! Imma get my Heidi Klum on.
SAM: CRAP! They're home. Follow me.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LAURA: I think Little Jake may be traumatized by all his time on Cassadine Island. It's so remote and crawling with...Cassadines!
LIZ: Little Jake is just fine. And so am I, with marrying his father.
LAURA: Here's the thing, Elizabeth: Little Jake DOESN'T KNOW you're marrying his father.
LI'L JAKE: (to himself) I do now. (texting Helena) Mommy marrying my daddy who doesn't know he's my daddy. My grandma, or I think she's my grandma, knows too. #tediousunfortunates.
WYNDEMERE
JAKE: Scaling the walls of Wyndemere...does this mean I'm your new adventure buddy?
SAM: Just don't say a WORD to Patrick about it. Here's the bedroom door.
JAKE: Of course it's locked. But that isn't a problem for you, is it?
SAM: PFFFFFT! Locked doors are child's play. (opens door) Okay we're in. Here's the TurboThumb 3000 drive that will download all the files on Nikolas's computer.
HAYDEN: Am I too sexy for this skirt or what?
NIKOLAS: Ditch the duds. It's time for Le Petit Mort!
SAM: Ugh! 50 Shades of Brain Bleach!
JAKE: Dammit, computer! Download FASTER! At this rate it will BE November 6th before we get out of Castle Greyskull.
PCPD
DANTE: Look what I found! Tell me this doesn't mean you've got one in the oven.
VALERIE: A pregnancy test? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's been THREE MONTHS! Don't you think I'd KNOW by now if I was IN THE FAMILY WAY??? This is SO not mine, but whoever's it is, I hope she didn't pee on my fake Twizzlers.
DANTE: Well THAT'S a monkey off my back.
VALERIE: Are you calling my nonexistent unborn child a MONKEY?
DANTE: It's a figure of speech, Valerie. There's no kid, no monkey, and I'm sorry for implying that there might be a life form in your uterus.
VALERIE: I forgive you, which sucks because I really, really, REALLY want to hate you.
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: Um, Lulu, I have to tell you something.
LULU: Yeah, I know you're in love with me. I just coerced the truth out of Maxie. I totally get why you have feelings for me. I'm Lulu FREAKIN' Spencer and I'm just the awesomesauce! BUT, and there is always a but, I'm taken.
DILLON: Dante's a total dirtbag! You deserve better.
LULU: Dillon! That's my sexy cop HUSBAND you're talking about! We're gonna have another BAY-BAY!
DILLON: But he's done you wrong, like in many a country song.
LULU: I get that your heart is breaking in a million pieces right now because you can't have me, but Dante and me are like PEAS and CARROTS, Dillon. PEAS AND CARROTS!
KELLY'S
JAKE: T-minus 4 weeks to figure out who the hell I really am.
SAM: Why the sudden urgency?
JAKE: Because Laura said so. She said it would be hella awkward if I didn't know my real last name at my own wedding and I kinda agree. Besides, Doe is kinda dopey, don't you think?
SAM: Feel like breaking into Wyndemere again?
HAYDEN: Did I clean out the stores of Port Chuckles or what? I even found some fun stuff at that Sad Robe Store on Rte 31.
NIKOLAS: So, are you going to show me some of your loot or what? After all, whose limitless credit card financed your shopping spree?
HAYDEN: Check this out. I even snuck this little number on in the dressing room. Don't worry, I paid for it. I mean, YOU did.
NIKOLAS: Way to flash me in a coffee house, Hayden. I feel like some Petit Mort. Let's get the hell out of here.
SAM: Well, look who the cat dragged in! My least favorite cousin and his lying skank of a...What exactly is she to you, Nikolas?
HAYDEN: You're not on the top of his list either, Sam, and you're not on the top of mine either. As a matter of fact, I think you are the black sheep of his family. Baaaaaaaa! Baaaaaaaa!
METROCOURT HALLWAY
JULIAN: Are my eyes playing tricks on me, or do I see Olivia Falconeri holding a baby who looks to be, oh, about four, five months old? Let's do a little math, shall we?
OLIVIA: Julian, meet baby...Mateo. Someone dropped him in a basket at the front steps of my church in Bensonhurst. Poor li'l thing needed a home.
JULIAN: That's funny, because his blanket says Leo.
OLIVIA: Forgive me for not having time to go blanket shopping, Julian. This baby just...appeared!
BABY LEO: (translated from Baby) I'm so CONFUSED! Why is mommy calling me Mateo to this man? I thought my name was Leo. I don't remember anything about a church or a basket. Just a whole lot of people yelling and then this girl Brook Lynn and a bunch of people with accents.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LAURA: So you're really going to do it, Elizabeth? You're really going to marry a man with amnesia and a fake last name?
LIZ: So he can't remember his past, so what? He lives in the moment. Besides, if I tell him he's Jason then I ruin Patrick's life AND my own!
LAURA: Funny thing about memory, Elizabeth. It has a way of coming back when you least expect it.
LI'L JAKE: Hi Mom. Hi, lady I think might be my grandma.
LIZ: What happened to your eye? Did someone beat you up?
LI'L JAKE: No, I just fell.
LAURA: What was life like on that island?
LI'L JAKE: I don't know. Fun I guess.
LIZ: Let me do my nursey thing to your eye so you can go play.
WYNDEMERE
SAM: Dammit, Nikolas's laptop isn't here. Is he hiding it from me? His OWN COUSIN?
JAKE: Where else could it be?
HAYDEN: Time for a fashion show! Imma get my Heidi Klum on.
SAM: CRAP! They're home. Follow me.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LAURA: I think Little Jake may be traumatized by all his time on Cassadine Island. It's so remote and crawling with...Cassadines!
LIZ: Little Jake is just fine. And so am I, with marrying his father.
LAURA: Here's the thing, Elizabeth: Little Jake DOESN'T KNOW you're marrying his father.
LI'L JAKE: (to himself) I do now. (texting Helena) Mommy marrying my daddy who doesn't know he's my daddy. My grandma, or I think she's my grandma, knows too. #tediousunfortunates.
WYNDEMERE
JAKE: Scaling the walls of Wyndemere...does this mean I'm your new adventure buddy?
SAM: Just don't say a WORD to Patrick about it. Here's the bedroom door.
JAKE: Of course it's locked. But that isn't a problem for you, is it?
SAM: PFFFFFT! Locked doors are child's play. (opens door) Okay we're in. Here's the TurboThumb 3000 drive that will download all the files on Nikolas's computer.
HAYDEN: Am I too sexy for this skirt or what?
NIKOLAS: Ditch the duds. It's time for Le Petit Mort!
SAM: Ugh! 50 Shades of Brain Bleach!
JAKE: Dammit, computer! Download FASTER! At this rate it will BE November 6th before we get out of Castle Greyskull.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
U Pregnant?
Prop of the day: The Pee Stick. Rather, Sabrina's shoebox full of them, except for the one Valerie picked up by mistake, dropped, and ended up in Nathan's hands. Don't worry, it's still in the box! No pee has touched it...yet.
Dante & Lulu make a decision about their future. Dillon has a rough day on set. Paul Hornsby holds court in his office, hosting first Tracy, then Michael, then Dillon. Olivia returns to town and is having second thoughts about keeping the baby away from Julian. Alexis has an important question for Julian.
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
VALERIE: (over the phone) Dillon, please keep my secret about sleeping with Dante. Pretty please with a cherry on top!
DILLON: I don't like cherries.
VALERIE: Fine, a strawberry, a blueberry, a raspberry, whatever the hell kind of fruit you want, just keep my one night stand with Dante on the down low.
DILLON: But Dante was a bad, bad husband for cheating on Lulu.
VALERIE: You tell Lulu and you ruin her life, you ruin Dante's life, and you ruin my life because Lulu will un-cousin me!
HOSPITAL LOBBY
DANTE: I'm worried about how Sonny will handle his paralysis. Let's have another baby.
LULU: Now there's a non-sequitor.
DANTE: I'm serious. I want another kid.
LULU: Like, for real? As in get the embryo out of the freezer and put it in my uterus for real? Or is this because you kissed Valerie.
DANTE: (to himself) This is totally a make-up-for-cheating-on-you baby. (to Lulu) This is totally not a... make-up-for-kissing-Valerie baby.
HAUNTED STAR
NATHAN: Hands off my girlfriend or this little movie thing...not happening!
DILLON: Ever heard of acting?
MAXIE: Don't mind Nathan. He's just jealous of my fake movie sex with you that never actually happened.
DILLON: Next time you bring your guard dog along, don't forget the muzzle.
JULIAN'S HOTEL ROOM
JULIAN: Wakey wakey, Alexis! Here's what's on the agenda for this morning. Number one, sex. Number two, bacon. Number three, a present for you.
ALEXIS: Time's a wastin'! Sex was first, right?
HOSPITAL LOBBY
OLIVIA: OMG! Dante! My baby! How's Sonny?
DANTE: Not so light on his feet, but he's alive. How's my invisible baby brother?
OLIVIA: Not so invisible anymore. He's at the MetroCourt with a nanny.
DANTE: He's in the same city as Julian? Not a good idea.
OLIVIA: Are you sure? What if Julian really is 100% mob-free?
DANTE: Yeah, and I'm a Red Sox fan.
PAUL'S OFFICE
TRACY: Here's a present for you.
PAUL: And it isn't even my birthday! Like sands through the hourglass...wait a minute, that only happens in some place called Salem.
TRACY: Well, I wasn't going to give you a hospital!
PAUL: Point taken.
TRACY: Have you talked some sense into Michael yet? Have you told him he needs to disown Sonny again?
PAUL: So much for a gift with no strings attached. I'll get to it.
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: I...uh...Lulu...Marjorie...Maxie...CUT! SCREW YOU, LULU! Way to ruin my concentration with your mere presence on set! Take five. Or fifteen. Take an hour. I am walking off the set. I REPEAT, I AM WALKING OFF THE SET!
LULU: Was it something I said?
MAXIE: Well...
LULU: Maxie...
MAXIE: Dammit, Lulu, he has ALL THE LOVE FEELS for you!
KELLY'S
VALERIE: Must. Get. Donuts. Now.
SABRINA: Hi, Valerie. Remember me? Nurses' Ball?
MICHAEL: I've gotta go say hey to the D.A. Maybe he has Carrrrrrrlos's head on a silver platter. Sorry, Sabrina.
VALERIE: Okay, donuts, check. Coffee, check. Fake Twizzlers, check. I'm outta here.
JULIAN'S HOTEL ROOM
JULIAN: And here's your present. Molly even tolerated my presence long enough to help me. ALEXIS: A scrapbook. How very un-mobster of you! Move in with me.
JULIAN: Are you sure Molly won't disown you?
ALEXIS: I think you're growing on her.
PAUL'S OFFICE
MICHAEL: Where's Rivera?
PAUL: This is not about Sonny's shooter, Michael. This is about you not becoming Sonny's number one goon.
MICHAEL: I see an hourglass, so that can only mean one thing. Tracy sent you after me. DAMMIT!
SABRINA'S APARTMENT
SABRINA: Dammit, I've gotta take that pee test. How did my pregnancy test turn into a box of fake Twizzlers? Good thing I have about 15 more pee sticks in this here shoebox. You can never be too sure. (doorbell rings)
TRACY: Remember me? Your BFF? With whom you were supposed to have breakfast?
SABRINA: CRAP!
MICHAEL: DAMMIT, Tracy, why did you have to go sic the D.A. on me? Sonny is my father and I'll do his dirty work if I WANT to do his dirty work. Besides, you never liked A.J. anyway.
PAUL'S OFFICE
DILLON: Dad, I'm having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day and it's all Detective West's fault. Can you give him forty lashes with a wet noodle or something?
PAUL: I'll consider it. What did the detective do to make your day so terrible, horrible, no-good, and very bad?
DILLON: He got all possessive about my co-star. Well, he is her boyfriend, but he threatened to shut down my movie if I had fake sex with Maxie. Plus, I'm in love with a married woman.
PAUL: I'll see about procuring a wet noodle, but the forbidden woman, that one's up to you.
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
NATHAN: You run along, Valerie. I'll pick up your donuts, buy some more and eat one or two on my way. What's this? (Picks up bag with pee stick box) HOLY CRAP!
JULIAN'S HOTEL ROOM
ALEXIS: You're off the hook, Julian! No charges, no trial! Just pack your bags and move into my penthouse already. I'd better see you at my home after work. (leaves)
JULIAN: (opens door) Olivia. Baby. Say WHAAAAAT?
PCPD
NATHAN: Check out what's in this bag Valerie dropped outside Kelly's, along with all our donuts. (shows Dante the pregnancy test)
DANTE: CRAAAAAAAAAAAAP!
Dante & Lulu make a decision about their future. Dillon has a rough day on set. Paul Hornsby holds court in his office, hosting first Tracy, then Michael, then Dillon. Olivia returns to town and is having second thoughts about keeping the baby away from Julian. Alexis has an important question for Julian.
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
VALERIE: (over the phone) Dillon, please keep my secret about sleeping with Dante. Pretty please with a cherry on top!
DILLON: I don't like cherries.
VALERIE: Fine, a strawberry, a blueberry, a raspberry, whatever the hell kind of fruit you want, just keep my one night stand with Dante on the down low.
DILLON: But Dante was a bad, bad husband for cheating on Lulu.
VALERIE: You tell Lulu and you ruin her life, you ruin Dante's life, and you ruin my life because Lulu will un-cousin me!
HOSPITAL LOBBY
DANTE: I'm worried about how Sonny will handle his paralysis. Let's have another baby.
LULU: Now there's a non-sequitor.
DANTE: I'm serious. I want another kid.
LULU: Like, for real? As in get the embryo out of the freezer and put it in my uterus for real? Or is this because you kissed Valerie.
DANTE: (to himself) This is totally a make-up-for-cheating-on-you baby. (to Lulu) This is totally not a... make-up-for-kissing-Valerie baby.
HAUNTED STAR
NATHAN: Hands off my girlfriend or this little movie thing...not happening!
DILLON: Ever heard of acting?
MAXIE: Don't mind Nathan. He's just jealous of my fake movie sex with you that never actually happened.
DILLON: Next time you bring your guard dog along, don't forget the muzzle.
JULIAN'S HOTEL ROOM
JULIAN: Wakey wakey, Alexis! Here's what's on the agenda for this morning. Number one, sex. Number two, bacon. Number three, a present for you.
ALEXIS: Time's a wastin'! Sex was first, right?
HOSPITAL LOBBY
OLIVIA: OMG! Dante! My baby! How's Sonny?
DANTE: Not so light on his feet, but he's alive. How's my invisible baby brother?
OLIVIA: Not so invisible anymore. He's at the MetroCourt with a nanny.
DANTE: He's in the same city as Julian? Not a good idea.
OLIVIA: Are you sure? What if Julian really is 100% mob-free?
DANTE: Yeah, and I'm a Red Sox fan.
PAUL'S OFFICE
TRACY: Here's a present for you.
PAUL: And it isn't even my birthday! Like sands through the hourglass...wait a minute, that only happens in some place called Salem.
TRACY: Well, I wasn't going to give you a hospital!
PAUL: Point taken.
TRACY: Have you talked some sense into Michael yet? Have you told him he needs to disown Sonny again?
PAUL: So much for a gift with no strings attached. I'll get to it.
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: I...uh...Lulu...Marjorie...Maxie...CUT! SCREW YOU, LULU! Way to ruin my concentration with your mere presence on set! Take five. Or fifteen. Take an hour. I am walking off the set. I REPEAT, I AM WALKING OFF THE SET!
LULU: Was it something I said?
MAXIE: Well...
LULU: Maxie...
MAXIE: Dammit, Lulu, he has ALL THE LOVE FEELS for you!
KELLY'S
VALERIE: Must. Get. Donuts. Now.
SABRINA: Hi, Valerie. Remember me? Nurses' Ball?
MICHAEL: I've gotta go say hey to the D.A. Maybe he has Carrrrrrrlos's head on a silver platter. Sorry, Sabrina.
VALERIE: Okay, donuts, check. Coffee, check. Fake Twizzlers, check. I'm outta here.
JULIAN'S HOTEL ROOM
JULIAN: And here's your present. Molly even tolerated my presence long enough to help me. ALEXIS: A scrapbook. How very un-mobster of you! Move in with me.
JULIAN: Are you sure Molly won't disown you?
ALEXIS: I think you're growing on her.
PAUL'S OFFICE
MICHAEL: Where's Rivera?
PAUL: This is not about Sonny's shooter, Michael. This is about you not becoming Sonny's number one goon.
MICHAEL: I see an hourglass, so that can only mean one thing. Tracy sent you after me. DAMMIT!
SABRINA'S APARTMENT
SABRINA: Dammit, I've gotta take that pee test. How did my pregnancy test turn into a box of fake Twizzlers? Good thing I have about 15 more pee sticks in this here shoebox. You can never be too sure. (doorbell rings)
TRACY: Remember me? Your BFF? With whom you were supposed to have breakfast?
SABRINA: CRAP!
MICHAEL: DAMMIT, Tracy, why did you have to go sic the D.A. on me? Sonny is my father and I'll do his dirty work if I WANT to do his dirty work. Besides, you never liked A.J. anyway.
PAUL'S OFFICE
DILLON: Dad, I'm having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day and it's all Detective West's fault. Can you give him forty lashes with a wet noodle or something?
PAUL: I'll consider it. What did the detective do to make your day so terrible, horrible, no-good, and very bad?
DILLON: He got all possessive about my co-star. Well, he is her boyfriend, but he threatened to shut down my movie if I had fake sex with Maxie. Plus, I'm in love with a married woman.
PAUL: I'll see about procuring a wet noodle, but the forbidden woman, that one's up to you.
OUTSIDE KELLY'S
NATHAN: You run along, Valerie. I'll pick up your donuts, buy some more and eat one or two on my way. What's this? (Picks up bag with pee stick box) HOLY CRAP!
JULIAN'S HOTEL ROOM
ALEXIS: You're off the hook, Julian! No charges, no trial! Just pack your bags and move into my penthouse already. I'd better see you at my home after work. (leaves)
JULIAN: (opens door) Olivia. Baby. Say WHAAAAAT?
PCPD
NATHAN: Check out what's in this bag Valerie dropped outside Kelly's, along with all our donuts. (shows Dante the pregnancy test)
DANTE: CRAAAAAAAAAAAAP!
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Don't Mess With A Mobster In A Wheelchair
Sonny sees red when, on his way to being wheeled for an MRI, he runs into Ava holding Avery. Liz examines Avery and finds she can relate to Ava's situation. Hayden overhears a troubling convo between Nikolas and Laura. Carly, Michael, and Morgan rally around Sonny. Sam and Anna have a heart-to-heart-to-heart talk with Emma. Felix suspects that Sabrina has a bun in the oven. Jake gives Hayden a cease and desist order with regard to contacting Liz.
SONNY'S ICU ROOM
CARLY: Dammit, Sonny, why won't you marry me?
SONNY: Because I'm a broken man in a friggin' WHEELCHAIR, Carly!
CARLY: But you're MY broken man! And you might walk again. It happened on Downton Abbey and that was, like a way long time ago.
HOSPITAL LOBBY/EXAM ROOM
AVA: Can somebody help my sick baby? She has a rash. Does ebola cause a rash?
LIZ: Let me take a look at her. (takes Avery) Good news. She doesn't have ebola. I think it's another disease that starts with an e. Eczema. All she needs is some cream.
AVA: Thank GOD! And thank you for not running the other way at the sight of my face.
LIZ: (to herself) Like everyone in this town will do to me if they ever find out I know Jake is Jason. (to Ava) Just doing my job. I'll put a rush on that cream.
WYNDEMERE
LAURA: So did you try to have Hayden silenced the Cassadine way or didn't you?
NIKOLAS: Who do you take me for? My homicidal grandmother? My wacked-out freeze-dried father? My evil mad scientist great uncle?
LAURA: Sometimes I wonder...
NIKOLAS: To be fair, you kinda left me to the Cassadines during my formative years to go chase Luke around.
LAURA: It's just that Elizabeth said that you might have done it.
HAYDEN: (to herself) I just struck blackmail GOLD!
KELLY'S
SABRINA: That food looks nauseating. Excuse me, Felix, but I'm gonna puke in 3...2...(runs to restroom)
FELIX: (to self) Pregnant.
SABRINA: (upon return) My stomach is really giving it to me tonight.
FELIX: Far be it for me to set a nurse straight on her own anatomy, but doesn't an unborn baby take up residence in an abdominal organ that is not part of your digestive system?
SABRINA: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
FELIX: Take a pee test, Bri.
SABRINA: If it will shut you up about this, fine. I'll do it tomorrow.
FELIX: That's the spirit of procrastination!
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
EMMA: What if Mommy crashes you and Daddy's wedding, Sam?
ANNA: Your mommy is very busy saving the lives of all the sick people in Africa. I think this wedding is safe.
SAM: Your grandma's right, Emma. And you can talk about your mom around me anytime you want. Because I am so not even jealous.
EMMA: But what if Danny's daddy crashes the wedding?
SAM: Danny's daddy is keeping Uncle Duke company up in heaven, no matter what the nice, blind old lady at Noodle Buddha says.
EMMA: What if Krampus crashes the wedding?
SAM: We'll cross December 25th off our list of wedding dates.
EMMA: That's probably a good idea.
HOSPITAL LOBBY
SONNY: Gimme my daughter, Ava.
AVA: It takes two to make a Crypt Baby, Sonny. I am Avery's mother whether you like it or not and right now, you're, how should I put it, indisposed.
SONNY: Indisposed MY ASS! Carly and I are getting married and we're coming for my daughter. Don't mess with a mobster in a wheelchair who still wants you six feet under.
AVA: Yeah, good luck with that.
WYNDEMERE
JAKE: Hey, ex fake wife, stop calling and harassing my fiancee.
HAYDEN: I made one call and asked her about why I broke a vase. If that's harassment, then sue me.
JAKE: Keep bothering Uhlizabeth and I just might.
NIKOLAS: Hey, keep it quiet out there. I'm trying to have a conversation with my too-suspicious-for-her-own-good mother!
LAURA: Hello Jas--I mean Jake.
JAKE: Hello, Nikolas's mother.
NIKOLAS: What are you doing here, Jake?
JAKE: Telling Hayden to quit calling my fiancee and freaking her out.
LAURA: Fiancee? Do you mean Elizabeth.
JAKE: Yes, Uhlizabeth and I are getting married.
LAURA: Does that mean she's going to take your last name. What IS your last name, Jake?
JAKE: Everyone keeps saying it's Doe so I guess I'm going with that.
LAURA: Elizabeth Doe. I don't think so.
HOSPITAL LOBBY
MORGAN: Hello, woman who ruined my life. Don't get too used to holding that baby because my dad's getting her back.
AVA: Let him think that. We'll see who wins the prize in the end.
MORGAN: That's how you think of my little sister? As a PRIZE?
AVA: It's a figure of speech, Morgan.
MORGAN: This isn't finished, Ava. This is faaaaaar from finished.
SONNY'S ICU ROOM
SONNY: Carly, we are getting our asses married ASAP. I just saw Ava in the lobby with my daughter.
CARLY: Avery's sick? What does she have? Fever? The flu? Is she getting her medicine?
SONNY: Time's a-wastin' Carly. Where's the ring? Where's the justice of the peace?
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: You'll never guess what I overheard!
NIKOLAS: Did anyone ever tell you it is bad manners to eavesdrop?
HAYDEN: I know you and your mother were talking about me.
NIKOLAS: She doesn't trust you any more than I do.
HAYDEN: There's no shortage of trust on my end either, Princey-prince.
SONNY'S ICU ROOM
CARLY: Dammit, Sonny, why won't you marry me?
SONNY: Because I'm a broken man in a friggin' WHEELCHAIR, Carly!
CARLY: But you're MY broken man! And you might walk again. It happened on Downton Abbey and that was, like a way long time ago.
HOSPITAL LOBBY/EXAM ROOM
AVA: Can somebody help my sick baby? She has a rash. Does ebola cause a rash?
LIZ: Let me take a look at her. (takes Avery) Good news. She doesn't have ebola. I think it's another disease that starts with an e. Eczema. All she needs is some cream.
AVA: Thank GOD! And thank you for not running the other way at the sight of my face.
LIZ: (to herself) Like everyone in this town will do to me if they ever find out I know Jake is Jason. (to Ava) Just doing my job. I'll put a rush on that cream.
WYNDEMERE
LAURA: So did you try to have Hayden silenced the Cassadine way or didn't you?
NIKOLAS: Who do you take me for? My homicidal grandmother? My wacked-out freeze-dried father? My evil mad scientist great uncle?
LAURA: Sometimes I wonder...
NIKOLAS: To be fair, you kinda left me to the Cassadines during my formative years to go chase Luke around.
LAURA: It's just that Elizabeth said that you might have done it.
HAYDEN: (to herself) I just struck blackmail GOLD!
KELLY'S
SABRINA: That food looks nauseating. Excuse me, Felix, but I'm gonna puke in 3...2...(runs to restroom)
FELIX: (to self) Pregnant.
SABRINA: (upon return) My stomach is really giving it to me tonight.
FELIX: Far be it for me to set a nurse straight on her own anatomy, but doesn't an unborn baby take up residence in an abdominal organ that is not part of your digestive system?
SABRINA: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
FELIX: Take a pee test, Bri.
SABRINA: If it will shut you up about this, fine. I'll do it tomorrow.
FELIX: That's the spirit of procrastination!
PATRICK AND SAM'S HOUSE
EMMA: What if Mommy crashes you and Daddy's wedding, Sam?
ANNA: Your mommy is very busy saving the lives of all the sick people in Africa. I think this wedding is safe.
SAM: Your grandma's right, Emma. And you can talk about your mom around me anytime you want. Because I am so not even jealous.
EMMA: But what if Danny's daddy crashes the wedding?
SAM: Danny's daddy is keeping Uncle Duke company up in heaven, no matter what the nice, blind old lady at Noodle Buddha says.
EMMA: What if Krampus crashes the wedding?
SAM: We'll cross December 25th off our list of wedding dates.
EMMA: That's probably a good idea.
HOSPITAL LOBBY
SONNY: Gimme my daughter, Ava.
AVA: It takes two to make a Crypt Baby, Sonny. I am Avery's mother whether you like it or not and right now, you're, how should I put it, indisposed.
SONNY: Indisposed MY ASS! Carly and I are getting married and we're coming for my daughter. Don't mess with a mobster in a wheelchair who still wants you six feet under.
AVA: Yeah, good luck with that.
WYNDEMERE
JAKE: Hey, ex fake wife, stop calling and harassing my fiancee.
HAYDEN: I made one call and asked her about why I broke a vase. If that's harassment, then sue me.
JAKE: Keep bothering Uhlizabeth and I just might.
NIKOLAS: Hey, keep it quiet out there. I'm trying to have a conversation with my too-suspicious-for-her-own-good mother!
LAURA: Hello Jas--I mean Jake.
JAKE: Hello, Nikolas's mother.
NIKOLAS: What are you doing here, Jake?
JAKE: Telling Hayden to quit calling my fiancee and freaking her out.
LAURA: Fiancee? Do you mean Elizabeth.
JAKE: Yes, Uhlizabeth and I are getting married.
LAURA: Does that mean she's going to take your last name. What IS your last name, Jake?
JAKE: Everyone keeps saying it's Doe so I guess I'm going with that.
LAURA: Elizabeth Doe. I don't think so.
HOSPITAL LOBBY
MORGAN: Hello, woman who ruined my life. Don't get too used to holding that baby because my dad's getting her back.
AVA: Let him think that. We'll see who wins the prize in the end.
MORGAN: That's how you think of my little sister? As a PRIZE?
AVA: It's a figure of speech, Morgan.
MORGAN: This isn't finished, Ava. This is faaaaaar from finished.
SONNY'S ICU ROOM
SONNY: Carly, we are getting our asses married ASAP. I just saw Ava in the lobby with my daughter.
CARLY: Avery's sick? What does she have? Fever? The flu? Is she getting her medicine?
SONNY: Time's a-wastin' Carly. Where's the ring? Where's the justice of the peace?
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: You'll never guess what I overheard!
NIKOLAS: Did anyone ever tell you it is bad manners to eavesdrop?
HAYDEN: I know you and your mother were talking about me.
NIKOLAS: She doesn't trust you any more than I do.
HAYDEN: There's no shortage of trust on my end either, Princey-prince.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Wyndemere Calling
Jake asks Sam to trace a number on Liz's phone. Sonny gets some disturbing news from Patrick. Nina isn't sold on the idea of she, Franco, and Kiki as one big happy family. Ava is rebuffed when she tries to reach out to her oldest daughter. Laura has a supremely awkward encounter with Hayden while Liz makes a panicked call to Nikolas. Tracy has words with Paul after overhearing a phone conversation.
KELLY'S
SAM: Well, whaddaya know! It's Elizabeth and Jake!
LIZ: (to herself) CRAP! (to Sam) We meet at one of the three places to eat in Port Chuckles. What are the odds?
PATRICK: Guess what? Sam and I are engaged!
LIZ: Hallelujah!
SAM: Glad to have your oh-so-emphatic support, Elizabeth.
SONNY'S ICU ROOM
CARLY: Sonny you HAVE to wake up! Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT'S WHY!
SONNY: Can't I just stay in this coma for five more minutes?
CARLY: OMG! OMG! YOU'RE AWAKE! I should scold comatose patients more often.
SONNY: Where's Avery?
CARLY: About that...let me let Patrick know you're awake.
SILAS'S APARTMENT
NINA: Um, can I chime into this discussion here? There is NO WAY I am LIVING in this death trap. I have to take a giant step around the Silas Death Zone every time I'm in the living room. Oh, and Kiki hates my guts.
KIKI: And Nina hates mine, so there!
FRANCO: Grab some paint. I feel an epic art therapy session coming on.
NINA: Yay! Paint!
KIKI: I'm outta here. Booze is calling.
FRANCO: Come on, Nina. You know you want to buy this house and make a nice little family with me and my fake daughter.
NINA: This place is haunted, Franco. It's haunted. Silas's ghost will always be following us around, watching us...you know. And Kiki thinks I'm bonkers.
FRANCO: Bonkers is such a harsh term, Nina. Besides, we need some serious image rehab. What better way than to take in a stray, disenfranchised millennial?
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: Don't look now, but some middle aged lady just walked into the room.
NIKOLAS: Mother?
HAYDEN: AWK-ward!
LAURA: I seem to have a knack for that lately. Far be it for me to interrupt my son's...ahem...entertaining.
HAYDEN: Don't be a rude Cassadine, Nikolas. Introduce me to your mother.
NIKOLAS: Mother, this is Hayden Barnes.
LAURA: Why does that name ring a bell? Oh, you're the one who was blackmailing my son with Jake's true identity!
NIKOLAS: Can we play a game called Let's Not Talk About Jake?
FLOATING RIB
JULIAN: Hey Avery, remember me? I'm your uncle Julian. You had a cousin Leo who was also your nephew. How Port Chuckles is that?
AVA: Isn't this a nice little family outing. My brother, my baby daughter. I only wish we were in a place where adults aren't wearing bibs.
AVERY: Nom nom nom nom! Son of a bitch! Kiki!
KIKI: Booze. Now.
AVA: Kiki, I know I'm DEAD TO YOU because of the Morgan thing but can you at least say hello to your baby sister.
KIKI: Where's the damn BOOZE!
AVA: Come on, Kiki! You can't tell me you liked Denise DiMuccio better than me, YOUR OWN MOTHER!
Q MANSION
TRACY: So, Paul, what dastardly deeds do you want kept on the down-low?
PAUL: Eavesdrop much, ex-wife of mine?
TRACY: Dodge questions much, ex-husband?
PAUL: I'm trying to clean up after those two bozos who preceded me.
TRACY: Tell me about it. How do you LOSE a recording of a MURDER CONFESSION? Do me a favor and stay the hell away from the gutter rat that is Ava Jerome.
PAUL: I'm here to take down the mob, Tracy, not buddy up with mobsters.
TRACY: While you're in anti-mob mode, can you talk some sense into Michael's head? He's gone full Corinthos and it's highly disturbing.
KELLY'S
JAKE: I think we're alone now.
SAM: There doesn't seem to be anyone around. Well, except for a bunch of strangers.
JAKE: Can you do me a solid and help me track this number on Liz's phone. She's been acting a little cray-cray, especially since she got that call.
SAM: Sure thing. Let me just put it in my Spinelli-patented Digit Tracker. Searching...searching...Bingo! The call comes from Wyndemere. Wild guess: It was Nikolas. Why it's making her lose it, I have no idea. It wouldn't be like him to put some sort of Cassadine voodoo hex on his good friend.
JAKE: It's truly puzzling.
SAM: What if it wasn't Nikolas? It couldn't have been Spencer. Has Helena been un-exiled? Or was it HAYDEN?
WYNDEMERE
LAURA: So...
HAYDEN: How about that grandson of yours? Spencer is a riot! I'm helping him with his homework ALL THE TIME. He owes his straight As to me.
LAURA: So you live here? What a coincidence, so do I.
HAYDEN: You want me to move?
LAURA: Of course not. This is a mansion. There's plenty of room for the both of us. Nikolas even had a random cousin living here for awhile. And it wasn't even his cousin. It was his half-sister Lulu's.
SILAS'S APARTMENT
KIKI: I'm back. Have you sold this place yet?
FRANCO: Yeah, to us. All three of us are going to live here, right Nina?
NINA: Sure thing. I can always get new flooring.
KIKI: SHE won't mind me living here?
NINA: Hey, we can form a Daughters of Crazy Mothers support group.
FRANCO: Besides, it's a lot easier to pretend YOU'RE our daughter than to kidnap that baby again.
SONNY'S ICU ROOM
PATRICK: Here's the thing: Sonny can't feel his feet.
SONNY: I'm PARALYZED? As in wheelchair?
CARLY: For how long?
PATRICK: We don't know yet.
CARLY: You will walk again, Sonny, BECAUSE I SAID SO!
KELLY'S
SAM: Well, whaddaya know! It's Elizabeth and Jake!
LIZ: (to herself) CRAP! (to Sam) We meet at one of the three places to eat in Port Chuckles. What are the odds?
PATRICK: Guess what? Sam and I are engaged!
LIZ: Hallelujah!
SAM: Glad to have your oh-so-emphatic support, Elizabeth.
SONNY'S ICU ROOM
CARLY: Sonny you HAVE to wake up! Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT'S WHY!
SONNY: Can't I just stay in this coma for five more minutes?
CARLY: OMG! OMG! YOU'RE AWAKE! I should scold comatose patients more often.
SONNY: Where's Avery?
CARLY: About that...let me let Patrick know you're awake.
SILAS'S APARTMENT
NINA: Um, can I chime into this discussion here? There is NO WAY I am LIVING in this death trap. I have to take a giant step around the Silas Death Zone every time I'm in the living room. Oh, and Kiki hates my guts.
KIKI: And Nina hates mine, so there!
FRANCO: Grab some paint. I feel an epic art therapy session coming on.
NINA: Yay! Paint!
KIKI: I'm outta here. Booze is calling.
FRANCO: Come on, Nina. You know you want to buy this house and make a nice little family with me and my fake daughter.
NINA: This place is haunted, Franco. It's haunted. Silas's ghost will always be following us around, watching us...you know. And Kiki thinks I'm bonkers.
FRANCO: Bonkers is such a harsh term, Nina. Besides, we need some serious image rehab. What better way than to take in a stray, disenfranchised millennial?
WYNDEMERE
HAYDEN: Don't look now, but some middle aged lady just walked into the room.
NIKOLAS: Mother?
HAYDEN: AWK-ward!
LAURA: I seem to have a knack for that lately. Far be it for me to interrupt my son's...ahem...entertaining.
HAYDEN: Don't be a rude Cassadine, Nikolas. Introduce me to your mother.
NIKOLAS: Mother, this is Hayden Barnes.
LAURA: Why does that name ring a bell? Oh, you're the one who was blackmailing my son with Jake's true identity!
NIKOLAS: Can we play a game called Let's Not Talk About Jake?
FLOATING RIB
JULIAN: Hey Avery, remember me? I'm your uncle Julian. You had a cousin Leo who was also your nephew. How Port Chuckles is that?
AVA: Isn't this a nice little family outing. My brother, my baby daughter. I only wish we were in a place where adults aren't wearing bibs.
AVERY: Nom nom nom nom! Son of a bitch! Kiki!
KIKI: Booze. Now.
AVA: Kiki, I know I'm DEAD TO YOU because of the Morgan thing but can you at least say hello to your baby sister.
KIKI: Where's the damn BOOZE!
AVA: Come on, Kiki! You can't tell me you liked Denise DiMuccio better than me, YOUR OWN MOTHER!
Q MANSION
TRACY: So, Paul, what dastardly deeds do you want kept on the down-low?
PAUL: Eavesdrop much, ex-wife of mine?
TRACY: Dodge questions much, ex-husband?
PAUL: I'm trying to clean up after those two bozos who preceded me.
TRACY: Tell me about it. How do you LOSE a recording of a MURDER CONFESSION? Do me a favor and stay the hell away from the gutter rat that is Ava Jerome.
PAUL: I'm here to take down the mob, Tracy, not buddy up with mobsters.
TRACY: While you're in anti-mob mode, can you talk some sense into Michael's head? He's gone full Corinthos and it's highly disturbing.
KELLY'S
JAKE: I think we're alone now.
SAM: There doesn't seem to be anyone around. Well, except for a bunch of strangers.
JAKE: Can you do me a solid and help me track this number on Liz's phone. She's been acting a little cray-cray, especially since she got that call.
SAM: Sure thing. Let me just put it in my Spinelli-patented Digit Tracker. Searching...searching...Bingo! The call comes from Wyndemere. Wild guess: It was Nikolas. Why it's making her lose it, I have no idea. It wouldn't be like him to put some sort of Cassadine voodoo hex on his good friend.
JAKE: It's truly puzzling.
SAM: What if it wasn't Nikolas? It couldn't have been Spencer. Has Helena been un-exiled? Or was it HAYDEN?
WYNDEMERE
LAURA: So...
HAYDEN: How about that grandson of yours? Spencer is a riot! I'm helping him with his homework ALL THE TIME. He owes his straight As to me.
LAURA: So you live here? What a coincidence, so do I.
HAYDEN: You want me to move?
LAURA: Of course not. This is a mansion. There's plenty of room for the both of us. Nikolas even had a random cousin living here for awhile. And it wasn't even his cousin. It was his half-sister Lulu's.
SILAS'S APARTMENT
KIKI: I'm back. Have you sold this place yet?
FRANCO: Yeah, to us. All three of us are going to live here, right Nina?
NINA: Sure thing. I can always get new flooring.
KIKI: SHE won't mind me living here?
NINA: Hey, we can form a Daughters of Crazy Mothers support group.
FRANCO: Besides, it's a lot easier to pretend YOU'RE our daughter than to kidnap that baby again.
SONNY'S ICU ROOM
PATRICK: Here's the thing: Sonny can't feel his feet.
SONNY: I'm PARALYZED? As in wheelchair?
CARLY: For how long?
PATRICK: We don't know yet.
CARLY: You will walk again, Sonny, BECAUSE I SAID SO!
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