Good news, mates! Robert Scorpio's in the house! The house on Cassadine Island where Anna, Patrick, and Robert plan strategy for rescuing Robin, that is. Back in The Chuckles, The Nutcracker Gala is about to start and Nina is about to lose it when Maxie has to skip out to pay respects to her dearly departed sister Georgie on the anniversary of her death. Franco arm-twists Liz into attending the gala while Carly does the same for Jason. Kristina's in a bit of trouble at school and tries to cover it up by hacking into Alexis's email. Robin pleads with Jerry's goon to call her family and say goodbye.
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
ALEXIS: You are going to the gala and you are going to be nice to Julian BECAUSE I SAID SO!
MOLLY: Worst. Gala. Ever.
ALEXIS: I heard that.
KRISTINA: I'm baaaaaaaack!
MOLLY: Awesome! You can come to this gala thing and distract me so I don't have to fake-smile at Julian! Sam, you're coming too, right?
SAM: Wrong! I'm suffering from Post-Patrick Stress Disorder, so I'm staying home "sick".
MOLLY: No fair!
KRISTINA: Molly, what's Mom's email password? I need to erase a note from school that says I'm in a huge heap of trouble.
METROCOURT BALLROOM
MAXIE: Be right back, Nina. Gotta go talk to my sister's tombstone.
NINA: But...but...you're kinda my puppet master, Maxie! If you go, my mouth will move, but no words will come out.
HOSPITAL
SAM: Where's Patrick?
RECEPTIONIST: He's on leave.
LIZ: 'Cuz YOU chased him away! You happy now?
SAM: Yeah, because I told Jason the truth, unlike some other people I know.
LIZ: Save it, Sam. We were all living happy little lies and you had to go tell the truth and wreck EVERYTHING!
SAM: Screw you!
CEMETERY
MAXIE: Hi Dillon. I know you're sad about Georgie too.
DILLON: Yeah, even though I was a different person when we were together, I still miss her.
MAXIE: What's that?
DILLON: I like to keep busy when talking to ghosts. It's a rubbing of Georgie's headstone. It's kinda your Christmas present.
MAXIE: Aw, Dillon! I'm getting ALL THE FEELS now!
CASSADINE ISLAND
ROBERT: G'day Anna, Patrick. We got some strategizing to do.
ANNA: OMG, Robert!
PATRICK: Do you have any idea who could be holding Robin? Word on the street is that Helena's six feet under.
ROBERT: Me Aussie spies in the WSB have been looking into a certain rather nefarious countryman of mine, one Jerry Jacks.
LAB ON CASSADINE ISLAND
ROBIN: Please be nice to me and let me live.
JERRY'S OPERA GOON: Um...no. I have my orders.
ROBIN: If you're going to kill me, can you at least let me call my family and say goodbye?
JERRY'S OPERA GOON: Make it quick.
ROBIN: (on phone with Patrick) Hello Patrick. Goodbye Patrick. I have to go to Lyceum.
CASSADINE ISLAND
PATRICK: What the hell's Lyceum?
ANNA: Well, it's the opposite of hell.
PATRICK: We have to find her YESTERDAY!
HOSPITAL
FRANCO: Since we're sort kinda friends now, will you go to the Nutcracker Gala thing with me tonight? It's totally not a date, because, well, Nina, but we're two pariahs in a pod, so what the hell?
LIZ: Um...no.
METROCOURT BAR
CARLY: Jason, you HAVE to go to the Nutcracker Gala tonight.
JASON: Why?
CARLY: Hello? BECAUSE I SAID SO!
OUTSIDE METROCOURT BALLROOM
NINA: (posing for a picture) Wow, do I have visual pop or what?
MAXIE: OMG, you accidentally sounded like a fashionista! YAY!!!
SAM: Can you get this check to one Alexis Davis?
LIZ: What are YOU doing here?
JASON: Good question.
CASSADINE ISLAND LAB
PATRICK: Dammit, Jerry! WHERE IS ROBIN????
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Pill Counting
Carly and Sonny are worried about Morgan, but Morgan feels suffocated by them, especially Carly. Ava begs Kiki to spend Christmas with her and Avery. Tracy is in the dark about Paul's shady doings. Dr. Lee warns Sabrina that lying to Michael is hazardous to her health. Paul pays Carrrrrrrrrrlos to leave Port Chuckles. Anna and Mac's investigation of Paul is interrupted by an urgent call from Patrick, who is in Paris with Emma searching for Robin. Jerry runs out of patience with Robin and her research.
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: Morgan, where have you been? Who were you with? I need names, ages, possible organized crime affiliations and social security numbers.
MORGAN: And I'M the one who's supposedly unhinged?
SONNY: What your mother means, Morgan, is that we were worried about you.
CARLY: (in the voice of Estelle Costanza from Seinfeld) Have you been taking your medication, Morgan?
MORGAN: Yes, MOMMY! And I took my Flintstones vitamins too.
CARLY: (dumps pills out on the table and starts counting them) 1, 2, 3
MORGAN: 6, 9, 12, 57, 120, YOU'RE GONNA SEND ME RIGHT BACK TO THE PSYCH WARD BECAUSE YOU'RE DRIVING ME BONKERS!
METROCOURT
AVA: Please come home for Christmas, Kiki, or bells will be ringing sad, sad news and your baby sister Avery will have the blues. Come on, Kiki. I'll have a blue, blue Christmas without you.
KIKI: First of all, Avery is a year old and knows about 5 words. She DOESN'T EVEN KNOW I EXIST so how can she miss me? Second, you kinda sound pathetic.
AVA: But...but...remember when you were little and projectile-vomited gumdrops?
KIKI: That visual is not helping, mom. Do me a favor and stop using my baby sister to manipulate me.
AVA: Will you at least CONSIDER coming home for Christmas, if only in my dreams? I can even conjure up some snow and mistletoe and presents by the tree. I say conjure up snow because, you know, global warming.
KIKI: Maybe.
PARIS
PATRICK: Let's go see the Eiffel Tower and take a stroll down the Champs Elysses.
EMMA: Where's Mommy? I wanna see Mommy!
PATRICK: Turns out she doesn't live in an antique shop after all, but we can still grab some croissants.
EMMA: Call Grandma Anna and tell her go find Mommy.
CASSADINE ISLAND
JERRY: Robin, have you found a cure for death YET? How long can a simple task like achieving human immortality take?
ROBIN: Well, we can upload people's minds and souls to a computer.
JERRY: Somehow the idea of a Robo Jerry does not appeal to me. Besides, it would take decades to upload all of MY thoughts.
ROBIN: You asked for immortality. I'm giving you a way to be immortal. Ever heard of The Cloud? Social media? Rome wasn't built in a day, Jerry.
JERRY: It would have been had I had anything to do with it.
METROCOURT
ANNA: My friend the Medical Examiner has his own suspicions about the body Paul claimed was Carrrrrrrrrrrlos. All we need to do is run a DNA test on that necklace. Too bad we don't have any of Sloane's DNA to prove that body was his and not Carrrrrrrrrrlos's
MAC: That's where you're wrong. I snatched Sloane's toothbrush from his apartment.
ANNA: You're a GENIUS, Mac! Why didn't I think of that? Maybe I was too busy thinking about how I shot Carrrrrrrrrrlos 4 times instead of just 2.
MAC: We make a great team, Anna. Two ex-commishes gettin' it done.
PARIS
ANTIQUE SHOP LADY: Ze woman you aah looking for, a Madame Scohpio? She does not leev in my shop, you see. Zere is anozzer shop on ze ozzer side of ze ceety wiss ze same name.
EMMA: Nice necklace. My friend Spencer has the same one.
PATRICK: Thank you, Madame. You may just have been more help than you know.
EMMA: She was a nice French lady.
PATRICK: Did you say Spencer Cassadine had a necklace just like the one that woman had?
EMMA: Yeah. Weird, isn't it? Not that Spencer wears necklaces, but that he has the same one as some lady in Paris.
PATRICK: I need to call your grandma. (dials Anna's number)
METROCOURT
ANNA: Patrick, is that you?
PATRICK: Emma and I are in Paris, but Robin isn't. We have reason to think the Cassadines have her.
ANNA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?
PATRICK: Emma saw the Cassadine insignia on some French antiques lady's necklace. She has to be one of their minions.
ANNA: You stay put. I'll teleport myself to Paris right away.
HOSPITAL
MICHAEL: Dr. Lee, is the baby going to be humongous or what?
DR. LEE: Rest assured, Michael, the baby tested negative for gigantism. He or she is just the right size for how far along Sabrina is.
SABRINA: See. No huge baby. No problem.
MICHAEL: But the sonogram said...
DR. LEE: I get why you're worried, but the baby is just fine.
METROCOURT
KIKI: Morgan, you're alive! When you didn't answer my texts, I checked all the hospitals.
MORGAN: Will everybody in my life just CHILL THE HELL OUT??? First my mom counts my pills, now you're calling hospitals because I had a night out with some friends.
KIKI: Was Barbie one of those friends?
MORGAN: Her name's Darby and so what if she was? You put me clearly in the friend zone.
KIKI: Yeah, well, I'm kinda being a friend right now and worrying about you like friends do. By the way, my co-worker found some pills when he cleared your table.
MORGAN: You want to count my pills too? I went to Dr. M and got replacements. No harm, no foul.
PARK
TRACY: Paul, you are such a good person now. I'm stunned by the transformation.
PAUL: Well, I wouldn't canonize me just yet, Tracy. It might hurt my image.
TRACY: Baby, it's cold outside. Keep me warm.
PAUL: Your hands are cold as ice.
TRACY: My sister-in-law might be suspicious, but boy, your lips look delicious.
PAUL: What can I say? It's that time of year when the world falls in love.
LURKING CARRRRRRRLOS: Gag me!
SONNY'S HOUSE
MICHAEL: Dad, I think Sabrina's hiding something from me.
HOSPITAL
DR. LEE: You know, big secrets can weigh more than babies, Sabrina. Carrying such a lie around, you might was well be having triplets.
PARK
CARRRRRRRLOS: Well, that sickening scene was long enough. What's up?
PAUL: This is rush money, Carrrrrrrrrrlos. As in rush the hell out of town before you blow my plans up in smoke.
CARRRRRRRLOS: No can do. I'm having a baby.
PAUL: I never would have guessed. You're not showing yet.
CARRRRRRRLOS: Ha ha! Zabrrrrrrrrrina is having my baby.
PAUL: No, you idiot, she's having MICHAEL QUARTERMAINE'S baby.
CARRRRRRRRLOS: She's having MY BABY. Who's the idiot now?
PAUL: Who cares? Just get the hell out of Port Chuckles and catch the first flight to Zimbabwe. NOW!
METROCOURT
CARLY: Morgan, I'm sorry I counted your pills and acted like your guard dog.
MORGAN: Yeah, yeah, it's okay as long as you sign a no-pill-counting contract I wrote on this here napkin.
CASSADINE ISLAND
JERRY: Your time's up, Robin. Get ready to meet your maker. Had you only come up with a cure faster, you could have created your own robo-clone to give you immortality.
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: Morgan, where have you been? Who were you with? I need names, ages, possible organized crime affiliations and social security numbers.
MORGAN: And I'M the one who's supposedly unhinged?
SONNY: What your mother means, Morgan, is that we were worried about you.
CARLY: (in the voice of Estelle Costanza from Seinfeld) Have you been taking your medication, Morgan?
MORGAN: Yes, MOMMY! And I took my Flintstones vitamins too.
CARLY: (dumps pills out on the table and starts counting them) 1, 2, 3
MORGAN: 6, 9, 12, 57, 120, YOU'RE GONNA SEND ME RIGHT BACK TO THE PSYCH WARD BECAUSE YOU'RE DRIVING ME BONKERS!
METROCOURT
AVA: Please come home for Christmas, Kiki, or bells will be ringing sad, sad news and your baby sister Avery will have the blues. Come on, Kiki. I'll have a blue, blue Christmas without you.
KIKI: First of all, Avery is a year old and knows about 5 words. She DOESN'T EVEN KNOW I EXIST so how can she miss me? Second, you kinda sound pathetic.
AVA: But...but...remember when you were little and projectile-vomited gumdrops?
KIKI: That visual is not helping, mom. Do me a favor and stop using my baby sister to manipulate me.
AVA: Will you at least CONSIDER coming home for Christmas, if only in my dreams? I can even conjure up some snow and mistletoe and presents by the tree. I say conjure up snow because, you know, global warming.
KIKI: Maybe.
PARIS
PATRICK: Let's go see the Eiffel Tower and take a stroll down the Champs Elysses.
EMMA: Where's Mommy? I wanna see Mommy!
PATRICK: Turns out she doesn't live in an antique shop after all, but we can still grab some croissants.
EMMA: Call Grandma Anna and tell her go find Mommy.
CASSADINE ISLAND
JERRY: Robin, have you found a cure for death YET? How long can a simple task like achieving human immortality take?
ROBIN: Well, we can upload people's minds and souls to a computer.
JERRY: Somehow the idea of a Robo Jerry does not appeal to me. Besides, it would take decades to upload all of MY thoughts.
ROBIN: You asked for immortality. I'm giving you a way to be immortal. Ever heard of The Cloud? Social media? Rome wasn't built in a day, Jerry.
JERRY: It would have been had I had anything to do with it.
METROCOURT
ANNA: My friend the Medical Examiner has his own suspicions about the body Paul claimed was Carrrrrrrrrrrlos. All we need to do is run a DNA test on that necklace. Too bad we don't have any of Sloane's DNA to prove that body was his and not Carrrrrrrrrrlos's
MAC: That's where you're wrong. I snatched Sloane's toothbrush from his apartment.
ANNA: You're a GENIUS, Mac! Why didn't I think of that? Maybe I was too busy thinking about how I shot Carrrrrrrrrrlos 4 times instead of just 2.
MAC: We make a great team, Anna. Two ex-commishes gettin' it done.
PARIS
ANTIQUE SHOP LADY: Ze woman you aah looking for, a Madame Scohpio? She does not leev in my shop, you see. Zere is anozzer shop on ze ozzer side of ze ceety wiss ze same name.
EMMA: Nice necklace. My friend Spencer has the same one.
PATRICK: Thank you, Madame. You may just have been more help than you know.
EMMA: She was a nice French lady.
PATRICK: Did you say Spencer Cassadine had a necklace just like the one that woman had?
EMMA: Yeah. Weird, isn't it? Not that Spencer wears necklaces, but that he has the same one as some lady in Paris.
PATRICK: I need to call your grandma. (dials Anna's number)
METROCOURT
ANNA: Patrick, is that you?
PATRICK: Emma and I are in Paris, but Robin isn't. We have reason to think the Cassadines have her.
ANNA: Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?
PATRICK: Emma saw the Cassadine insignia on some French antiques lady's necklace. She has to be one of their minions.
ANNA: You stay put. I'll teleport myself to Paris right away.
HOSPITAL
MICHAEL: Dr. Lee, is the baby going to be humongous or what?
DR. LEE: Rest assured, Michael, the baby tested negative for gigantism. He or she is just the right size for how far along Sabrina is.
SABRINA: See. No huge baby. No problem.
MICHAEL: But the sonogram said...
DR. LEE: I get why you're worried, but the baby is just fine.
METROCOURT
KIKI: Morgan, you're alive! When you didn't answer my texts, I checked all the hospitals.
MORGAN: Will everybody in my life just CHILL THE HELL OUT??? First my mom counts my pills, now you're calling hospitals because I had a night out with some friends.
KIKI: Was Barbie one of those friends?
MORGAN: Her name's Darby and so what if she was? You put me clearly in the friend zone.
KIKI: Yeah, well, I'm kinda being a friend right now and worrying about you like friends do. By the way, my co-worker found some pills when he cleared your table.
MORGAN: You want to count my pills too? I went to Dr. M and got replacements. No harm, no foul.
PARK
TRACY: Paul, you are such a good person now. I'm stunned by the transformation.
PAUL: Well, I wouldn't canonize me just yet, Tracy. It might hurt my image.
TRACY: Baby, it's cold outside. Keep me warm.
PAUL: Your hands are cold as ice.
TRACY: My sister-in-law might be suspicious, but boy, your lips look delicious.
PAUL: What can I say? It's that time of year when the world falls in love.
LURKING CARRRRRRRLOS: Gag me!
SONNY'S HOUSE
MICHAEL: Dad, I think Sabrina's hiding something from me.
HOSPITAL
DR. LEE: You know, big secrets can weigh more than babies, Sabrina. Carrying such a lie around, you might was well be having triplets.
PARK
CARRRRRRRLOS: Well, that sickening scene was long enough. What's up?
PAUL: This is rush money, Carrrrrrrrrrlos. As in rush the hell out of town before you blow my plans up in smoke.
CARRRRRRRLOS: No can do. I'm having a baby.
PAUL: I never would have guessed. You're not showing yet.
CARRRRRRRLOS: Ha ha! Zabrrrrrrrrrina is having my baby.
PAUL: No, you idiot, she's having MICHAEL QUARTERMAINE'S baby.
CARRRRRRRRLOS: She's having MY BABY. Who's the idiot now?
PAUL: Who cares? Just get the hell out of Port Chuckles and catch the first flight to Zimbabwe. NOW!
METROCOURT
CARLY: Morgan, I'm sorry I counted your pills and acted like your guard dog.
MORGAN: Yeah, yeah, it's okay as long as you sign a no-pill-counting contract I wrote on this here napkin.
CASSADINE ISLAND
JERRY: Your time's up, Robin. Get ready to meet your maker. Had you only come up with a cure faster, you could have created your own robo-clone to give you immortality.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Matching Sweaters
Olivia buys herself, Julian, & Leo matching Christmas sweaters, much to Alexis's chagrin. Johnny chats Valerie up as he fixes her car. Dante asks Sonny about an arms dealer, but is vague when it comes to his personal life. Laura advises Lulu against doing something crazy, but is it too late? Nina is impressed with Dillon's photography skills. After being chewed out by Carly, Liz finds sympathy from an unlikely source.
SOMEWHERE ALONG RTE 31 BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE ALL CAR STUFF HAPPENS
JOHNNY: So, you're a cop and I'm standing outside of YOUR car. Isn't that hilarious?
VALERIE: I'm not a cop yet. Just a cadet with a broken down car.
JOHNNY: Maybe I can fix it. I'm a pretty handy guy. The name's Greg.
VALERIE: I'm Valerie and I'm late to shooting practice.
JOHNNY: Late for playing with guns? We can't have that! Lemme take a look-see.
THE FLOATING RIB
OLIVIA: Lookee here, Julian! I got Leo his very first Ugly Christmas Sweater! Isn't it hideously cute?
JULIAN: Gotta start that Ugly Christmas Sweater tradition sometime, I guess.
OLIVIA: But wait! There's MORE! I bought YOU a MATCHING Ugly Christmas Sweater! and one for me too!
JULIAN: (feigning enthusiasm) Yippee!
ALEXIS: Is this really necessary?
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: Why hasn't Jason called back yet? He was SUPPOSED to throw me a YOU WERE RIGHT party!
SONNY: Hover much, Carly?
CARLY: But Jason NEEDS ME! He was just LIED TO FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS by his simpering yet manipulative fiancee and he needs some good ol' Carly love.
SONNY: What am I, Carly? Chopped liver?
CARLY: Come on, Sonny. We can't have our famous CarSaSon menage a trois without Jason. Then it's a boring old menage a deux.
METROCOURT
LAURA: Now Lulu, don't go doing anything crazy out of your anger at Dante. I know you've got your father's vengeful blood running through your veins.
LULU: Dante Schmante! I'm focusing MY righteous indignation on my SLUT COUSIN VALERIE!
LAURA: But it takes two to tango, Lulu. Dante is the one who cheated, not Valerie.
LULU: Valerie lured him into her child of a single mother web and SEDUCED him away from me!
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: OMG, Dillon, you are a TOTES AWESOME photographer!
DILLON: Thanks. I think.
MAXIE: These pix of you will TOTALLY save Crimson, Nina.
NINA: Yeah they will!
FRANCO: Don't mind me. I'm just the editor-in-chief's famous--okay, INfamous--artist boyfriend.
HOSPITAL
CARLY: What gave YOU the nerve to show your face in public you LYING MANIPULATIVE BITCH IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING?
LIZ: Give it a rest, Carly.
CARLY: You LIED to MY JASON for SEVEN MONTHS! You kept him from his wife and his little boy just so you could have him ALL TO YOURSELF!
LIZ: You WON, Carly. Jason left me AND he left my THREE LITTLE BOYS without a man THEY came to know as their dad.
CARLY: Too bad. So sad. IT'S ALL YOUR STUPID FAULT!!!
SOMEWHERE ALONG RTE 31
JOHNNY: You're really into this whole being a cop thing, aren't you?
VALERIE: I relish the thought of nailing a perp.
JOHNNY: How about the adrenaline rush of chasing down fugitives?
VALERIE: Bring 'em on!
JOHNNY: (tinkering with Valerie's car) If I connect the green wire to the orange wire and the blue wire to the red wire...fire her up.
VALERIE: You totally fixed my car! Thanks Greg. If I weren't lusting after my cousin's hubby, I'd so be stalking you instead.
SONNY'S HOUSE
DANTE: Dad, do you know of this arms dealer on the Port Chuckles' Most Wanted list?
SONNY: I don't deal in guns, son.
DANTE: Ever thought of just getting the hell out of the mob?
SONNY: Have you ever TRIED to get out of da bizness, Dante? No can do. Let's change the subject. What's up with you?
DANTE: Besides picking up the pieces of my shattered marriage while Lulu gives me the icy glare she could only have learned while she was being frozen by Stavros Cassadine? Nothing much.
CRIMSON OFFICE
FRANCO: I was just saying that Julian might have hired you to purposely tank the magazine, that's all.
NINA: Say WHAAAAAAAT?
FRANCO: Julian's a big meanie.
NINA: You know what Maxie and I are going to do, Franco? We're going to make this magazine into a RAGING SUCCESS just to spite him.
FLOATING RIB
ALEXIS: Olivia, we need to talk boundaries. Two's company. Three's a crowd.
OLIVIA: So you're saying I'm not welcome in my own baby daddy's life?
ALEXIS: Well...maybe if you'd just send an "impending Ugly Christmas Sweater" text so we'd know to seek cover.
OLIVIA: Does that mean I can't come over for Christmas? Leo wants to see his daddy and Julian said I could.
HOSPITAL
LIZ: I HATE EVERYTHING!
FRANCO: Know the feeling. Maybe you need some art therapy. Grab a paintbrush and let it all out on this canvas.
LIZ: I can't believe I'm getting sympathy from a serial killer.
FRANCO: EX-serial killer. My serial killer tumor was removed and now I'm just a slightly off-kilter, but loving, fatherly guy and a skilled art therapist. Just ask Liesl Obrecht.
LIZ: A ringing endorsement.
FRANCO: Come on now! I'm a pariah, you're a pariah and we pariahs gotta stick together and form a Port Chuckles Pariah support group. If you don't like the pariah thing, we can just call it a People Carly Hates group instead.
FLOATING RIB
DANTE: Why so glum, Val?
VALERIE: My car broke down, I missed shooting practice and the instructor ripped me a new one. How was your day?
DANTE: Well, I tried to get my dad to 'fess up to knowing Raj the gunrunner, so guns were a common theme for us today. I guess it goes with the territory, being cops.
VALERIE: Or cadets.
DANTE: Those too. How did you get here if your car broke down.
VALERIE: Some nice guy named Greg fixed it for me. He just randomly appeared on the side of the road.
DANTE: I don't know a Greg and I know everyone in this town.
METROCOURT
LULU (on the phone with Johnny): So, Johnny, how did it go terrorizing Valerie.
JOHNNY: The terrorizing can wait. All I did today was fix her car and learn her weak points.
LULU: You FIXED her car? In what way?
JOHNNY: Relax. I didn't tamper with the brakes or anything. As far as she's concerned, I'm this nice guy named Greg who randomly shows up when someone needs their car fixed. Now I can plan Phase 2.
LULU: Care to elaborate on Phase 2.
JOHNNY: Trust me. You don't wanna know.
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: Dillon, you're hired as Crimson's official photographer. We're going to make Crimson the awesomest magazine EVER!
DILLON: Okay.
MAXIE: That's the spirit!
SOMEWHERE ALONG RTE 31 BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE ALL CAR STUFF HAPPENS
JOHNNY: So, you're a cop and I'm standing outside of YOUR car. Isn't that hilarious?
VALERIE: I'm not a cop yet. Just a cadet with a broken down car.
JOHNNY: Maybe I can fix it. I'm a pretty handy guy. The name's Greg.
VALERIE: I'm Valerie and I'm late to shooting practice.
JOHNNY: Late for playing with guns? We can't have that! Lemme take a look-see.
THE FLOATING RIB
OLIVIA: Lookee here, Julian! I got Leo his very first Ugly Christmas Sweater! Isn't it hideously cute?
JULIAN: Gotta start that Ugly Christmas Sweater tradition sometime, I guess.
OLIVIA: But wait! There's MORE! I bought YOU a MATCHING Ugly Christmas Sweater! and one for me too!
JULIAN: (feigning enthusiasm) Yippee!
ALEXIS: Is this really necessary?
SONNY'S HOUSE
CARLY: Why hasn't Jason called back yet? He was SUPPOSED to throw me a YOU WERE RIGHT party!
SONNY: Hover much, Carly?
CARLY: But Jason NEEDS ME! He was just LIED TO FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS by his simpering yet manipulative fiancee and he needs some good ol' Carly love.
SONNY: What am I, Carly? Chopped liver?
CARLY: Come on, Sonny. We can't have our famous CarSaSon menage a trois without Jason. Then it's a boring old menage a deux.
METROCOURT
LAURA: Now Lulu, don't go doing anything crazy out of your anger at Dante. I know you've got your father's vengeful blood running through your veins.
LULU: Dante Schmante! I'm focusing MY righteous indignation on my SLUT COUSIN VALERIE!
LAURA: But it takes two to tango, Lulu. Dante is the one who cheated, not Valerie.
LULU: Valerie lured him into her child of a single mother web and SEDUCED him away from me!
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: OMG, Dillon, you are a TOTES AWESOME photographer!
DILLON: Thanks. I think.
MAXIE: These pix of you will TOTALLY save Crimson, Nina.
NINA: Yeah they will!
FRANCO: Don't mind me. I'm just the editor-in-chief's famous--okay, INfamous--artist boyfriend.
HOSPITAL
CARLY: What gave YOU the nerve to show your face in public you LYING MANIPULATIVE BITCH IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING?
LIZ: Give it a rest, Carly.
CARLY: You LIED to MY JASON for SEVEN MONTHS! You kept him from his wife and his little boy just so you could have him ALL TO YOURSELF!
LIZ: You WON, Carly. Jason left me AND he left my THREE LITTLE BOYS without a man THEY came to know as their dad.
CARLY: Too bad. So sad. IT'S ALL YOUR STUPID FAULT!!!
SOMEWHERE ALONG RTE 31
JOHNNY: You're really into this whole being a cop thing, aren't you?
VALERIE: I relish the thought of nailing a perp.
JOHNNY: How about the adrenaline rush of chasing down fugitives?
VALERIE: Bring 'em on!
JOHNNY: (tinkering with Valerie's car) If I connect the green wire to the orange wire and the blue wire to the red wire...fire her up.
VALERIE: You totally fixed my car! Thanks Greg. If I weren't lusting after my cousin's hubby, I'd so be stalking you instead.
SONNY'S HOUSE
DANTE: Dad, do you know of this arms dealer on the Port Chuckles' Most Wanted list?
SONNY: I don't deal in guns, son.
DANTE: Ever thought of just getting the hell out of the mob?
SONNY: Have you ever TRIED to get out of da bizness, Dante? No can do. Let's change the subject. What's up with you?
DANTE: Besides picking up the pieces of my shattered marriage while Lulu gives me the icy glare she could only have learned while she was being frozen by Stavros Cassadine? Nothing much.
CRIMSON OFFICE
FRANCO: I was just saying that Julian might have hired you to purposely tank the magazine, that's all.
NINA: Say WHAAAAAAAT?
FRANCO: Julian's a big meanie.
NINA: You know what Maxie and I are going to do, Franco? We're going to make this magazine into a RAGING SUCCESS just to spite him.
FLOATING RIB
ALEXIS: Olivia, we need to talk boundaries. Two's company. Three's a crowd.
OLIVIA: So you're saying I'm not welcome in my own baby daddy's life?
ALEXIS: Well...maybe if you'd just send an "impending Ugly Christmas Sweater" text so we'd know to seek cover.
OLIVIA: Does that mean I can't come over for Christmas? Leo wants to see his daddy and Julian said I could.
HOSPITAL
LIZ: I HATE EVERYTHING!
FRANCO: Know the feeling. Maybe you need some art therapy. Grab a paintbrush and let it all out on this canvas.
LIZ: I can't believe I'm getting sympathy from a serial killer.
FRANCO: EX-serial killer. My serial killer tumor was removed and now I'm just a slightly off-kilter, but loving, fatherly guy and a skilled art therapist. Just ask Liesl Obrecht.
LIZ: A ringing endorsement.
FRANCO: Come on now! I'm a pariah, you're a pariah and we pariahs gotta stick together and form a Port Chuckles Pariah support group. If you don't like the pariah thing, we can just call it a People Carly Hates group instead.
FLOATING RIB
DANTE: Why so glum, Val?
VALERIE: My car broke down, I missed shooting practice and the instructor ripped me a new one. How was your day?
DANTE: Well, I tried to get my dad to 'fess up to knowing Raj the gunrunner, so guns were a common theme for us today. I guess it goes with the territory, being cops.
VALERIE: Or cadets.
DANTE: Those too. How did you get here if your car broke down.
VALERIE: Some nice guy named Greg fixed it for me. He just randomly appeared on the side of the road.
DANTE: I don't know a Greg and I know everyone in this town.
METROCOURT
LULU (on the phone with Johnny): So, Johnny, how did it go terrorizing Valerie.
JOHNNY: The terrorizing can wait. All I did today was fix her car and learn her weak points.
LULU: You FIXED her car? In what way?
JOHNNY: Relax. I didn't tamper with the brakes or anything. As far as she's concerned, I'm this nice guy named Greg who randomly shows up when someone needs their car fixed. Now I can plan Phase 2.
LULU: Care to elaborate on Phase 2.
JOHNNY: Trust me. You don't wanna know.
CRIMSON OFFICE
NINA: Dillon, you're hired as Crimson's official photographer. We're going to make Crimson the awesomest magazine EVER!
DILLON: Okay.
MAXIE: That's the spirit!
Monday, December 14, 2015
Car Trouble?
Johnny puts his attack plan against Valerie into motion. Jason drops by Liz's house...to pick up his stuff. Lulu is irritated by Dante's presence on the Haunted Star, while Monica is similiarly irritated with Tracy's sucking up to Paul. Nikolas walks in on Hayden and Curtis plotting and scheming. Jordan is suspicious of Curtis's motives for being in Port Chuckles and Curtis points out that TJ is his nephew. Are Curtis and Jordan brother and sister?
METROCOURT LOBBY
TRACY: You need a keynote speaker for the so-called "Nutcracker Gala"? Look no further than the man gracing us with his presence. What do you say, Mr. District Attorney?
MONICA: Mr. ACTING District Attorney, Tracy. I don't recall him ever--I don't know--WINNING AN ELECTION.
TRACY: PFFFFFFFFFT! He'll do it because I SAID he'll do it. Right, Paul?
PAUL: Let me just check my schedule...
HAUNTED STAR
JOHNNY: Hey Lulu, you didn't tell me this Valerie chick was hot.
LULU: And you were telling ME to focus? Forget her looks. She's the SLUTTY MCSLUTFACE who stole my husband.
JOHNNY: Fine. I'll wear a blindfold when I go after her. What does her voice sound like?
LULU: Just picture an annoying cousin who lusts after your significant other and you'll get the idea.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: Jason, you're back! I KNEW you'd come running back into my arms!
JASON: Don't flatter yourself. I'm here to get my stuff.
LIZ: But...but...you LOVE me!
JASON: LOVED. Past tense because, you know, 7 months of lies. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.
FLOATING RIB
CURTIS: Be prepared to fork over some serious dough for this job, Ms. Barnes. This piece o' ass don't come cheap.
HAYDEN: How serious?
NIKOLAS: Am I interrupting something?
HAYDEN: Only my surprise renovation of the ELQ offices. How do fuchsia and lime green sound for the walls of the CEO's suite?
NIKOLAS: Like a toxic Slurpee of plebeian kitsch. Who's your friend?
HAYDEN: Only the world's sexiest interior designer.
CURTIS: The name is Curtis Good and I'm Good in more ways than one.
PCPD
DANTE: I think me and Lulu are over.
JORDAN: When it's over, it's over. Turn the page. Move on. Start fresh. Tabula rasa. You get my point.
DANTE: So it's okay if I...move on in my personal life?
JORDAN: It's your life. C'est la vie.
VALERIE: Hi Dante.
DANTE: C'est la vie!
HAUNTED STAR
JOHNNY: Gotta go stalk your cuz. Catch ya later, Lulu.
LULU: Hello? Did you look in the mirror this morning and see a wanted fugitive?
JOHNNY: I'll wear a disguise. It'll be fun. Have any wigs or crazy glasses I can borrow?
LULU: What are you going to do to her?
JOHNNY: Wouldn't you like to know...so you could be charged as an accessory?
FLOATING RIB
NIKOLAS: So, what was that charade with your shady-looking companion all about? Don't tell me it was about bright purple carpeting because I don't trust you as far as I can throw you.
HAYDEN: So much for the SURPRISE!
NIKOLAS: You aren't SERIOUSLY firing half the company, then redecorating the ELQ offices to look like Franco's LSD trip, so tell me what the hell is up?
HAYDEN: What's up with YOU? Princes don't randomly appear at rib joints without some sort of reason, so spill it.
NIKOLAS: Jason knows that Elizabeth and I lied to him and he's out for blood. Yours, mine, it is going to get ugly.
JASON: Hey Princey, the jig is up. (Punches Nikolas and a brawl ensues)
LIZ'S HOUSE
DIANE: Will you give your fiance these most important papers he requested?
LIZ: Maybe. What are they?
DIANE: Ever heard of attorney-client privilege?
LIZ: Privilege-Schmivilege! I'm just gonna look at them once you get the hell out of my house.
DIANE: I should have known not to trust YOU. Just tell him I dropped by.
LIZ: Tell him yourself. He ain't comin' back to me. He dumped me, so you, Carly, Sam, and Sonny won. Merry merry merry F&$#%ing Christmas! Now go to hell!
DIANE: My my! Such language from a mother raising three impressionable young boys.
HAUNTED STAR
DANTE: Just wanted to let you know that I let Valerie watch Rocco for five seconds while I teleported myself to the store to get some meds for his hypothetical fever.
LULU: Save it. Your mother beat you to it.
DANTE: Go figure. Well, I'll make sure I get a signed affidavit from you before I let Val get within 3 feet of Rocco.
LULU: Whatever. Just get lost.
DANTE: Bah Humbug!
PCPD
JORDAN: Curtis, what are you doing at my station? You know I'm top cop here and I don't play favorites.
CURTIS: Congrats on that, by the way. How's my nephew?
JORDAN: What's it to you?
CURTIS: Maybe you missed the "nephew" part. Hey, I'm just doin' my thang here. Strictly business.
JORDAN: Just keep your distance from Port Chuckles, Curtis. I know your kind of trouble.
SOMEWHERE POSSIBLY ALONG RTE 31.
VALERIE: STUPID FRIGGIN' CAR!
JOHNNY: Car trouble? Johnny B Quick is at your service?
VALERIE: Aren't you the window replacement, air conditioning and heating guy?
METROCOURT LOBBY
TRACY: You need a keynote speaker for the so-called "Nutcracker Gala"? Look no further than the man gracing us with his presence. What do you say, Mr. District Attorney?
MONICA: Mr. ACTING District Attorney, Tracy. I don't recall him ever--I don't know--WINNING AN ELECTION.
TRACY: PFFFFFFFFFT! He'll do it because I SAID he'll do it. Right, Paul?
PAUL: Let me just check my schedule...
HAUNTED STAR
JOHNNY: Hey Lulu, you didn't tell me this Valerie chick was hot.
LULU: And you were telling ME to focus? Forget her looks. She's the SLUTTY MCSLUTFACE who stole my husband.
JOHNNY: Fine. I'll wear a blindfold when I go after her. What does her voice sound like?
LULU: Just picture an annoying cousin who lusts after your significant other and you'll get the idea.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: Jason, you're back! I KNEW you'd come running back into my arms!
JASON: Don't flatter yourself. I'm here to get my stuff.
LIZ: But...but...you LOVE me!
JASON: LOVED. Past tense because, you know, 7 months of lies. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.
FLOATING RIB
CURTIS: Be prepared to fork over some serious dough for this job, Ms. Barnes. This piece o' ass don't come cheap.
HAYDEN: How serious?
NIKOLAS: Am I interrupting something?
HAYDEN: Only my surprise renovation of the ELQ offices. How do fuchsia and lime green sound for the walls of the CEO's suite?
NIKOLAS: Like a toxic Slurpee of plebeian kitsch. Who's your friend?
HAYDEN: Only the world's sexiest interior designer.
CURTIS: The name is Curtis Good and I'm Good in more ways than one.
PCPD
DANTE: I think me and Lulu are over.
JORDAN: When it's over, it's over. Turn the page. Move on. Start fresh. Tabula rasa. You get my point.
DANTE: So it's okay if I...move on in my personal life?
JORDAN: It's your life. C'est la vie.
VALERIE: Hi Dante.
DANTE: C'est la vie!
HAUNTED STAR
JOHNNY: Gotta go stalk your cuz. Catch ya later, Lulu.
LULU: Hello? Did you look in the mirror this morning and see a wanted fugitive?
JOHNNY: I'll wear a disguise. It'll be fun. Have any wigs or crazy glasses I can borrow?
LULU: What are you going to do to her?
JOHNNY: Wouldn't you like to know...so you could be charged as an accessory?
FLOATING RIB
NIKOLAS: So, what was that charade with your shady-looking companion all about? Don't tell me it was about bright purple carpeting because I don't trust you as far as I can throw you.
HAYDEN: So much for the SURPRISE!
NIKOLAS: You aren't SERIOUSLY firing half the company, then redecorating the ELQ offices to look like Franco's LSD trip, so tell me what the hell is up?
HAYDEN: What's up with YOU? Princes don't randomly appear at rib joints without some sort of reason, so spill it.
NIKOLAS: Jason knows that Elizabeth and I lied to him and he's out for blood. Yours, mine, it is going to get ugly.
JASON: Hey Princey, the jig is up. (Punches Nikolas and a brawl ensues)
LIZ'S HOUSE
DIANE: Will you give your fiance these most important papers he requested?
LIZ: Maybe. What are they?
DIANE: Ever heard of attorney-client privilege?
LIZ: Privilege-Schmivilege! I'm just gonna look at them once you get the hell out of my house.
DIANE: I should have known not to trust YOU. Just tell him I dropped by.
LIZ: Tell him yourself. He ain't comin' back to me. He dumped me, so you, Carly, Sam, and Sonny won. Merry merry merry F&$#%ing Christmas! Now go to hell!
DIANE: My my! Such language from a mother raising three impressionable young boys.
HAUNTED STAR
DANTE: Just wanted to let you know that I let Valerie watch Rocco for five seconds while I teleported myself to the store to get some meds for his hypothetical fever.
LULU: Save it. Your mother beat you to it.
DANTE: Go figure. Well, I'll make sure I get a signed affidavit from you before I let Val get within 3 feet of Rocco.
LULU: Whatever. Just get lost.
DANTE: Bah Humbug!
PCPD
JORDAN: Curtis, what are you doing at my station? You know I'm top cop here and I don't play favorites.
CURTIS: Congrats on that, by the way. How's my nephew?
JORDAN: What's it to you?
CURTIS: Maybe you missed the "nephew" part. Hey, I'm just doin' my thang here. Strictly business.
JORDAN: Just keep your distance from Port Chuckles, Curtis. I know your kind of trouble.
SOMEWHERE POSSIBLY ALONG RTE 31.
VALERIE: STUPID FRIGGIN' CAR!
JOHNNY: Car trouble? Johnny B Quick is at your service?
VALERIE: Aren't you the window replacement, air conditioning and heating guy?
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Nuttin' For Christmas: 2015 Edition
There's going to be a whole lot of coal in the stockings of Port Chuckles come December 25th! Here's last year's edition.
Nuttin’ For
Christmas: 2015 edition
LIZ: I lied to Jason ‘bout
who he was. Somebody snitched on me.
DANTE: I cheated on
my wife by shagging her cuz. Somebody
snitched on me.
ANNA: I put four
bullets in Carrrrrrrrlos’s chest
MADELINE: I made Silas
bleed to death
RIC: I tricked Nina
and Elizabeth
LIZ, DANTE, ANNA, MADELINE, RIC: Somebody snitched on me.
CHORUS:
ALL OF THE “NAUGHTY” PORT CHUCKLEHEADS: We’re getting’ nuttin’ for Christmas
We made some people so mad.
We’re
getting nuttin’ for Christmas
‘Cuz
we ain’t been nuttin’ but bad!
NIKOLAS: I embraced my inner Cassadine. Somebody snitched on me.
PAUL: I’m eyeball deep in organized crime. Somebody snitched on me.
HAYDEN: I pretended to be Jason’s wife
CARRRRRRRLOS: I ended Duke Lavery’s life
FRANCO: I threatened Morgan with a knife
NIKOLAS, PAUL, HAYDEN, CARRRRRRRLOS, FRANCO: Somebody snitched on me.
CHORUS
KIKI: I ran Carly off
the road. Somebody snitched on me.
AVA: I posed as
DiMuccio. Somebody snitched on me.
CAMERON: I started a
fire at Wyndemere
LUKE: I took a bite
outta Baldwin’s ear
DILLON: I outed Dante
& Val’s affair
KIKI, AVA, CAMERON, LUKE, DILLON: Somebody snitched on me.
CHORUS
VALERIE: I slept with my cousin’s man. Somebody snitched on me.
OLIVIA: I hid my baby from Julian. Somebody snitched on me.
HELENA: I
brainwashed Jason and hid his son
MAXIE: I helped Johnny go on the run
SONNY: I threatened Ava with a gun.
VALERIE, OLIVIA, HELENA,
MAXIE, SONNY: Somebody snitched on
me.
CHORUS
MORGAN: I teamed up with Kiki to drug my bro. Somebody snitched on me.
NINA: I faked crazy to be with Franco. Somebody snitched on me.
JOHNNY: I skipped town and fled the law
SPINELLI: I hacked into General Hospital
SABRINA: I’m keeping a big secret from Michael
MORGAN, NINA, JOHNNY,
SPINELLI, SABRINA: Somebody snitched on
me.
Friday, December 11, 2015
Punching Bag
Jason goes to the gym to talk things over with his old boss that he doesn't remember working for -- Sonny. Morgan chafes under the hovering gaze of Carly. Kiki finds an unwelcome guest while waiting tables at the MetroCourt. Sam and Danny move in with Alexis and Julian. Liz warns Nikolas that Jason is out for his blood. Curtis has some good news for Hayden, but it won't come cheap.
GYM
SONNY: POW POW POW POW POW!
PUNCHING BAG: OW OW OW OW OW!
JASON: So, whose face are you imagining on this poor punching bag?
SONNY: Jason, zat you?
JASON: I need to work off some serious pissed-offedness. Elizabeth's been lying to me for 7 FREAKIN' MONTHS.
METROCOURT
CARLY: Can you smile so I can take a picture?
MORGAN: Of me eating breakfast? What the hell, mom?
CARLY: Have you had your meds this morning?
MORGAN: (points to pills on napkin) Exhibit A.
AVA: Kiki, when will you stop hating me?
KIKI: The twelfth of NEVER.
AVA: Come onnnnnnn, Kiki! I MISS YOU!!!!!
KIKI: Were you missing me when you boinked my boyfriend? Didn't think so. Coffee?
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
SAM: Hope you don't mind if Danny and I crash here for awhile. I just broke up with Patrick last night.
JULIAN: Say WHAAAAAAAAT? You broke up with The Safe Boyfriend? Is this so you can get back together with The Dangerous Boyfriend?
SAM: Said dangerous boyfriend still has marriage amnesia, Dad. But if his memory comes back, I have to keep my options open.
JULIAN: I really liked Safe Boyfriend.
ALEXIS: Me too.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: Nikolas, you may want to up the security at Wyndemere. The cat's out of the bag.
NIKOLAS: So Jason knows we knew who he was? Don't tell me Grandmother rose from the dead to text him.
LIZ: It was your cousin Sam. She told Jason what she heard Jake tell Danny about a HUGE secret between me and Laura. Jason asked me about 537 times whether I knew he was Jason before he knew he was Jason and on the 538th time, I broke down and confessed.
FLOATING RIB
CURTIS: Hey, where's your Carmen Sandiego hat? That hat was seriously badass. By the way, I found the bullet. Thing is, we need to find Shawn's gun to prove the bullet didn't come from it.
HAYDEN: If I give you the hat, will you get your hands on Shawn's gun?
CURTIS: It's gonna cost you a lot more than one hat for my services, lady.
GYM
JASON: So, Sonny, since you apparently used to be my boss, what should I do?
SONNY: Elizabeth betrayed you, Jason. Ain't no way you forgivin' that.
JASON: Sorry, punching bag, but here goes. POW POW POW POW POW!
SONNY & PUNCHING BAG: Ever heard of gloves?
METROCOURT
CARLY: Begone, Ava!
AVA: Really, Carly? You're going to throw me out of this place just because you don't like me?
CARLY: Pretty much. I own half of this place and you killed the cousin of the person who owns the other half, so you are a PNG here.
AVA: A PNG?
CARLY: Persona non grata. Now get lost!
MORGAN: Hey Keeks, wanna hang out and maybe be my girlfriend again?
KIKI: Too soon, Captain. Too soon. But I'll be your phone-a-friend. Call me if you want to talk.
GYM
CARLY: OMG! Sonny and Jason together again!
JASON: I was just leaving.
CARLY: So is CarSaSon a thing again?
SONNY: He just needed to vent about being lied to by Elizabeth. She knew for 7 whole months that he was Jason but didn't bother to tell him.
CARLY: Totally called it!!!! I KNEW she was lying her ass of to him. Go Carly, go Carly, go go go Carly!
GYM
SONNY: POW POW POW POW POW!
PUNCHING BAG: OW OW OW OW OW!
JASON: So, whose face are you imagining on this poor punching bag?
SONNY: Jason, zat you?
JASON: I need to work off some serious pissed-offedness. Elizabeth's been lying to me for 7 FREAKIN' MONTHS.
METROCOURT
CARLY: Can you smile so I can take a picture?
MORGAN: Of me eating breakfast? What the hell, mom?
CARLY: Have you had your meds this morning?
MORGAN: (points to pills on napkin) Exhibit A.
AVA: Kiki, when will you stop hating me?
KIKI: The twelfth of NEVER.
AVA: Come onnnnnnn, Kiki! I MISS YOU!!!!!
KIKI: Were you missing me when you boinked my boyfriend? Didn't think so. Coffee?
ALEXIS & JULIAN'S HOUSE
SAM: Hope you don't mind if Danny and I crash here for awhile. I just broke up with Patrick last night.
JULIAN: Say WHAAAAAAAAT? You broke up with The Safe Boyfriend? Is this so you can get back together with The Dangerous Boyfriend?
SAM: Said dangerous boyfriend still has marriage amnesia, Dad. But if his memory comes back, I have to keep my options open.
JULIAN: I really liked Safe Boyfriend.
ALEXIS: Me too.
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: Nikolas, you may want to up the security at Wyndemere. The cat's out of the bag.
NIKOLAS: So Jason knows we knew who he was? Don't tell me Grandmother rose from the dead to text him.
LIZ: It was your cousin Sam. She told Jason what she heard Jake tell Danny about a HUGE secret between me and Laura. Jason asked me about 537 times whether I knew he was Jason before he knew he was Jason and on the 538th time, I broke down and confessed.
FLOATING RIB
CURTIS: Hey, where's your Carmen Sandiego hat? That hat was seriously badass. By the way, I found the bullet. Thing is, we need to find Shawn's gun to prove the bullet didn't come from it.
HAYDEN: If I give you the hat, will you get your hands on Shawn's gun?
CURTIS: It's gonna cost you a lot more than one hat for my services, lady.
GYM
JASON: So, Sonny, since you apparently used to be my boss, what should I do?
SONNY: Elizabeth betrayed you, Jason. Ain't no way you forgivin' that.
JASON: Sorry, punching bag, but here goes. POW POW POW POW POW!
SONNY & PUNCHING BAG: Ever heard of gloves?
METROCOURT
CARLY: Begone, Ava!
AVA: Really, Carly? You're going to throw me out of this place just because you don't like me?
CARLY: Pretty much. I own half of this place and you killed the cousin of the person who owns the other half, so you are a PNG here.
AVA: A PNG?
CARLY: Persona non grata. Now get lost!
MORGAN: Hey Keeks, wanna hang out and maybe be my girlfriend again?
KIKI: Too soon, Captain. Too soon. But I'll be your phone-a-friend. Call me if you want to talk.
GYM
CARLY: OMG! Sonny and Jason together again!
JASON: I was just leaving.
CARLY: So is CarSaSon a thing again?
SONNY: He just needed to vent about being lied to by Elizabeth. She knew for 7 whole months that he was Jason but didn't bother to tell him.
CARLY: Totally called it!!!! I KNEW she was lying her ass of to him. Go Carly, go Carly, go go go Carly!
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Heartbreak Hotel
Who, after watching today's show, wanted to give poor Emma a hug and buy her a pony or something? (Raising my hand). That poor girl has been through so much in her 10 short years of life: Thinking her mother was dead, becoming attached to Sabrina, having her mother show up alive as her dad was about to marry Sabrina, having her mother disappear again to unfreeze Jason and two Cassadines, losing her baby brother, and now losing Sam and Danny. No wonder she's so hurt and confused! Mad props to Kelly Monaco, Jason Thompson, and especially the talented little Brooklyn Silzer!
Liz pleads with Jason to forgive her for lying to him about his identity, but Jason takes off in his motorcycle, leaving Liz and the boys behind. Olivia lays into Valerie while Dante is at the store. Lulu convinces Dillon to keep mum about Johnny. Robin pleads for her life when Jerry grows tired of waiting for the cure for death.
LIZ'S HOUSE
JASON: You knew who I was before I did? YOU KNEW???
LIZ: But...but...whenever I thought about telling you the truth, I kept changing my mind.
JASON: So all of those "Jake, I have to tell you something" lines were about you chickening out? BOK BOK BOK BOK BOK!!!!
LIZ: But...but...Sam was happy with Patrick and Emma and Danny were like brother and sister.
JASON: About Danny...did you conveniently forget that HE'S MY SON TOO?
LIZ: But...but...what about Jake?
JASON: When he came back from the dead, did it ever occur to you to--I don't know--tell me he's MY KID???
LIZ: But...but...I was afraid of losing you!!!!
PATRICK'S HOUSE
PATRICK: Sorry, Sam, but I'm just not into plural marriages.
SAM: Come on, Patrick! It's not like Jason even remembers being married to me.
PATRICK: We have to break up.
SAM: But I'm sorta kinda over Jason.
PATRICK: I'm sorta kinda not sharing you with another dude.
DANTE'S APARTMENT
OLIVIA: Step AWAY from my grandson you homewrecking homewrecker!
VALERIE: So, you'd rather me leave Rocco here to entertain himself while Dante's at the store getting him his meds? He's a sick 2-year-old, Olivia.
OLIVIA: You broke up my son's family and there will be NO CANNOLIS FOR YOU!
DANTE: What the hell, Ma???
OLIVIA: You always let your bed buddies watch your sick kid, Dante? Go make up with Lulu. NOW! BECAUSE I SAID SO.
DANTE: Ma, you need to stop insulting my gal pal Val here. Please tell me you didn't toss any of your Italian curses at her or mention the name Heather Webber.
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: What's a gangster fugitive grandpa-killer doing on this boat, Lulu?
JOHNNY: I was just innocently playing with some barware, pretty boy, but now I'm gonna put in an order for my tombstone to say Gangster Fugitive Grandpa-Killer.
DILLON: I'm fixin' to call the cops.
LULU: Oh no you don't, Dillon. You OWE me for a certain act of public humiliation that I only pretended to forgive you for.
DILLON: So, it's help you harbor this convicted felon or you won't be my friend anymore?
LULU: Pretty much.
CASSADINE ISLAND
JERRY: So, Robin, have you come up with a cure for death yet? The clock is ticking ever so loudly. It is such a shame said clock ran out for dear HELena Cassadine.
ROBIN: I'm almost there. I just need Helena's corpse.
JERRY: Over MY DEAD BODY. No, make that YOURS.
ROBIN: It has to be Helena's or it won't work.
JERRY: You, my dear, can ill afford to be cheeky with Jerry Jacks.
PATRICK'S HOUSE
EMMA: So, I faked gastrointestinal distress so I could find out when you and Sam are getting married.
PATRICK: About that...What color pony do you want?
EMMA: Why are we talking about ponies and not about wedding dates?
PATRICK: Because the whole wedding thing isn't going to happen, sweetheart. Sam and I broke up.
EMMA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! This CANNOT HAPPEN! YOU HAVE TO MARRY SAM, DADDY! BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!
SAM: I'm so sorry, Emma. I love your daddy, but I sorta kinda love my husband too.
EMMA: WRONG ANSWER!!!! You were supposed to DIVORCE DANNY'S DADDY AND MARRY MINE!!!
PATRICK: The offer of a pony still stands.
EMMA: I want my MOMMY!!!!
HAUNTED STAR
OLIVIA: Lulu, you have to get back together with Dante because I saw Valerie HOLDING ROCCO! The poor kid is going to be confused and think she's his mother.
LULU: VALERIE was holding ROCCO??? This means WAR!
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: Jason, please forgive me. Pretty please with a cherry on top and whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles! We could be a HAPPY FAMILY!
JASON: Not. Gonna. Happen. Gotta go. My motorcycle awaits. Maybe Sam's broken up with Patrick by now.
CASSADINE ISLAND
ROBIN: OMG, Emma is calling! Let me talk to her. Please! Pretty please with a cherry on top and whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles.
JERRY: So much refined sugar!
ROBIN: Just gimme the damn phone. (over the phone with Emma) Hi sweetie. Is everything okay?
EMMA: Everything is NOT OKAY, MOMMY! Daddy broke up with Sam and you're in Paris and I HAVE NO MOMMY IN MY HOUSE! Come home, Mommy! Come home NOW!
ROBIN: Sorry, but my super mean crazy boss won't let me. Bye, Sweetie.
JERRY: Very well, Robin. You've said goodbye to your daughter. Now I can kill you.
ROBIN: If you kill me, who will cure death for you?
JERRY: DAMMIT! You have 48 hours to cure death and believe me, you will need this cure more than I will.
PATRICK'S HOUSE
EMMA: I WANT MOMMY!
PATRICK: I have an idea. Let's go to Paris and find her!
HAUNTED STAR
LULU: Johnny, prepare to take out my cousin.
JOHNNY: At your service!
Liz pleads with Jason to forgive her for lying to him about his identity, but Jason takes off in his motorcycle, leaving Liz and the boys behind. Olivia lays into Valerie while Dante is at the store. Lulu convinces Dillon to keep mum about Johnny. Robin pleads for her life when Jerry grows tired of waiting for the cure for death.
LIZ'S HOUSE
JASON: You knew who I was before I did? YOU KNEW???
LIZ: But...but...whenever I thought about telling you the truth, I kept changing my mind.
JASON: So all of those "Jake, I have to tell you something" lines were about you chickening out? BOK BOK BOK BOK BOK!!!!
LIZ: But...but...Sam was happy with Patrick and Emma and Danny were like brother and sister.
JASON: About Danny...did you conveniently forget that HE'S MY SON TOO?
LIZ: But...but...what about Jake?
JASON: When he came back from the dead, did it ever occur to you to--I don't know--tell me he's MY KID???
LIZ: But...but...I was afraid of losing you!!!!
PATRICK'S HOUSE
PATRICK: Sorry, Sam, but I'm just not into plural marriages.
SAM: Come on, Patrick! It's not like Jason even remembers being married to me.
PATRICK: We have to break up.
SAM: But I'm sorta kinda over Jason.
PATRICK: I'm sorta kinda not sharing you with another dude.
DANTE'S APARTMENT
OLIVIA: Step AWAY from my grandson you homewrecking homewrecker!
VALERIE: So, you'd rather me leave Rocco here to entertain himself while Dante's at the store getting him his meds? He's a sick 2-year-old, Olivia.
OLIVIA: You broke up my son's family and there will be NO CANNOLIS FOR YOU!
DANTE: What the hell, Ma???
OLIVIA: You always let your bed buddies watch your sick kid, Dante? Go make up with Lulu. NOW! BECAUSE I SAID SO.
DANTE: Ma, you need to stop insulting my gal pal Val here. Please tell me you didn't toss any of your Italian curses at her or mention the name Heather Webber.
HAUNTED STAR
DILLON: What's a gangster fugitive grandpa-killer doing on this boat, Lulu?
JOHNNY: I was just innocently playing with some barware, pretty boy, but now I'm gonna put in an order for my tombstone to say Gangster Fugitive Grandpa-Killer.
DILLON: I'm fixin' to call the cops.
LULU: Oh no you don't, Dillon. You OWE me for a certain act of public humiliation that I only pretended to forgive you for.
DILLON: So, it's help you harbor this convicted felon or you won't be my friend anymore?
LULU: Pretty much.
CASSADINE ISLAND
JERRY: So, Robin, have you come up with a cure for death yet? The clock is ticking ever so loudly. It is such a shame said clock ran out for dear HELena Cassadine.
ROBIN: I'm almost there. I just need Helena's corpse.
JERRY: Over MY DEAD BODY. No, make that YOURS.
ROBIN: It has to be Helena's or it won't work.
JERRY: You, my dear, can ill afford to be cheeky with Jerry Jacks.
PATRICK'S HOUSE
EMMA: So, I faked gastrointestinal distress so I could find out when you and Sam are getting married.
PATRICK: About that...What color pony do you want?
EMMA: Why are we talking about ponies and not about wedding dates?
PATRICK: Because the whole wedding thing isn't going to happen, sweetheart. Sam and I broke up.
EMMA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! This CANNOT HAPPEN! YOU HAVE TO MARRY SAM, DADDY! BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!
SAM: I'm so sorry, Emma. I love your daddy, but I sorta kinda love my husband too.
EMMA: WRONG ANSWER!!!! You were supposed to DIVORCE DANNY'S DADDY AND MARRY MINE!!!
PATRICK: The offer of a pony still stands.
EMMA: I want my MOMMY!!!!
HAUNTED STAR
OLIVIA: Lulu, you have to get back together with Dante because I saw Valerie HOLDING ROCCO! The poor kid is going to be confused and think she's his mother.
LULU: VALERIE was holding ROCCO??? This means WAR!
LIZ'S HOUSE
LIZ: Jason, please forgive me. Pretty please with a cherry on top and whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles! We could be a HAPPY FAMILY!
JASON: Not. Gonna. Happen. Gotta go. My motorcycle awaits. Maybe Sam's broken up with Patrick by now.
CASSADINE ISLAND
ROBIN: OMG, Emma is calling! Let me talk to her. Please! Pretty please with a cherry on top and whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles.
JERRY: So much refined sugar!
ROBIN: Just gimme the damn phone. (over the phone with Emma) Hi sweetie. Is everything okay?
EMMA: Everything is NOT OKAY, MOMMY! Daddy broke up with Sam and you're in Paris and I HAVE NO MOMMY IN MY HOUSE! Come home, Mommy! Come home NOW!
ROBIN: Sorry, but my super mean crazy boss won't let me. Bye, Sweetie.
JERRY: Very well, Robin. You've said goodbye to your daughter. Now I can kill you.
ROBIN: If you kill me, who will cure death for you?
JERRY: DAMMIT! You have 48 hours to cure death and believe me, you will need this cure more than I will.
PATRICK'S HOUSE
EMMA: I WANT MOMMY!
PATRICK: I have an idea. Let's go to Paris and find her!
HAUNTED STAR
LULU: Johnny, prepare to take out my cousin.
JOHNNY: At your service!
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