STOP THE INSANITY!!!

    JUST FRIKKIN' TELL JAKE HE'S JASON ALREADY!!!   This is driving me to Franco/Nina/Heather/Morgan levels of wackadoo!   Just when we think maybe, JUST MAYBE Liz Webber is going to tell Jake the truth about his identity, she decides to 'fess up to switching a DNA test on Sam & Jason three years ago!  And Lucy (Liz) pulls the football away from Charlie Brown (Jake, All of Port Chuckles who gives a crap, and the audience) once again.  Oh good grief! 

     Meanwhile in the ER, Sonny's bullet is getting a little restless and starts shifting inside his body, causing him to go into cardiac arrest and putting Carly, Dante, Michael, and Morgan between a rock and a hard place.   Sam finds Ric in her old apartment.  Maxie wants to bubble-wrap Nathan and take him to somewhere far, far away from the flying bullets in Port Chuckles.

    LIZ'S HOUSE

     LIZ:  I did something earth-shatteringly horrible to Jason and Sam. 
     JAKE:  Well, Sam's still alive.  Danny's still alive.   Jason's dead, but I don't think you would have killed him.   What gives?
      LIZ:  I did a little switchy-switchy with a DNA test a few years ago.  Sam and Jason were on the outs because Sam was hanging out with this guy who looked like this other guy who thought he was a vampire but really just looked like Silas Clay.   My crazy stepmother and some other guy who looks a lot like Franco switched baby Danny with a dead baby and I doctored the DNA results to make sure the babies stayed switched.
     JAKE: So, basically, you were in cahoots with said crazy stepmother and said Franco double.
     LIZ:  Not exactly.  I just wanted to keep Sam and Jason from getting back together because I wanted Jason all to myself.   Then I felt all guilty about the whole thing and came clean to Jason.   He and Sam got baby Danny back and they lived happily ever after, for about 2 seconds.  Then Jason went to the pier, got shot by Faison in a Duke Lavery mask, never to be heard from again.
     LIZ'S CONSCIENCE:  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!   Chicken, thy name is Elizabeth Webber!
     JAKE:  No biggie.  I killed 3 dudes, put a bomb on a boat, took Sam hostage, and worked for a mobster for about 5 minutes.  I win.

     HOSPITAL

     PATRICK:  The bullet's got some itchy feet and can't stay put.  It's all jagged and could slash Sonny's aorta, which could kill him. 
    MORGAN:  THEN EFFIN' REMOVE THAT GODDAMN BULLET, GENIUS BRAIN SURGEON!
    MICHAEL:  Dial it down, little bro. 
    CARLY:  Is Sonny going to die, Patrick?
    PATRICK:  If I go in there and try to take the bullet out now, that could kill him too. 
    MORGAN:  ACTION, Patrick!  MY DAD IS A MAN OF ACTION!   REMOVE BULLET!  CHOP CHOP!
    MICHAEL:  But if he's too weak for surgery, maybe we should wait.
    DANTE:  I'm with Michael.  Maybe the bullet's taking a nice long nap until Sonny gets strong enough to survive surgery.
    MICHAEL:  Mom, it's your call.

    MAXIE'S APARTMENT

     MAXIE:  Poor Sonny!  Poor Carly!   All that blood!   All that baby drool from that adorable Avery.   Where's the bubble wrap? 
    NATHAN:  Bubble wrap?   You want to pop all those bubbles to relieve all of the day's stress, don't you?   You're kinda cute that way.
    MAXIE:  No, Nathan, I want to wrap YOU in it 24/7 so you don't get shot.  This town is a hotbed of flying bullets and other scary mobbery.   Let's go to Fiji.
    NATHAN:  Sorry.  Used up all my sick days.  Can we just have sex instead?  
 
    SAM'S PENTHOUSE

     SAM:  CRAP, Ric's here.
     RIC:   Nice to see you too, Sam.  Why don't you take a bite out of a nice, thick bar of soap?   There's a 3-year-old in the room who repeats everything he hears.
     SAM:  Again, what the h-e-double hockey sticks are you doing in my old place keeping my kid up way past his bedtime?
     RIC:  Remember your sister, Molly?   She lives here.   I was visiting my daughter.   It happens.  Then TJ came over.  Kid's had a helluva night. 
     SAM: Yeah, I was there.  If it weren't for Jake, he'd be dead and so would Sonny.
     RIC:  Speaking of my brother, now that you're here, I'm gonna go make sure he's still breathing.
     SAM:  Oh no you don't.  The last thing Michael, Morgan, and Carly need to see is your smug face.  Sonny's stable as far as I know.   You still haven't told me why you're still hanging around my old place with TJ and Molly upstairs and me here to get Danny.
     RIC:  My wife gave me the boot.
    SAM:  Never thought I'd say this, but go Nina! 

    MAXIE'S APARTMENT

     MAXIE:  No sex until I wash Crypt Baby drool off this dress full of bad juju.  
     NATHAN:  I need to wash those dead bodies from the crime scene off of me.  
     MAXIE:  Dead bodies?   Did you just say DEAD BODIES?   I thought TJ was fine and Sonny is clinging to life on a hospital gurney. 
     NATHAN:  They were dead goon bodies, courtesy of one Jake Doe. 
     MAXIE:  Jake killed 3 people?   OMG, could HE be JASON? 
     NATHAN:  You mean the guy from the Friday the 13th movies with the mask?  
     MAXIE:  I mean Jason MORGAN.  Sonny's BFF and designated killbot. 

    HOSPITAL

      CARLY:  Sonny, what should I do?   It's up to me to tell Patrick what to do with you. 
      UNCONSCIOUS SONNY:  Stop this stupid bullet from breaking out its dance moves in my chest cavity! 
       CARLY:  I knew you'd come through for me, Sonny.   Patrick, scrub up!