Couples Roulette

    Maxie, Nathan, Lulu, Dante, Dillon, Valerie:  Who has feelings for whom?  Who's sleeping with whom "because it's in the script" and whose shenanigans in the sack are a(n) (in) conveniently overheard convo away from blowing up in their faces?    The late 20s-early 30s set are weaving a tangled soap web and I guess it's a good thing Ellie and Spinelli are safely across the country in Portland or they'd be all tangled up in it as well.

    Over in Mobsville, Paul, The Mobster D.A. is giving Anna a chance to come clean about offing Carrrrrrlos.   Morgan leverages his body, especially one overactive organ between his legs, in a desperate effort to keep Ava from taking custody of Avery.   Carly is not so thrilled that Michael sat down with The Five Families as the two talk Crypt Baby strategy while Patrick is a-fixin' Sonny's brain.

   
     NATHAN'S BEDROOM

    MAXIE:  Sorry I can't have sex with you right now.  I have to have sex with Dillon today, but it's strictly business. 
    NATHAN:  Oh really? 
    MAXIE:  It's in the script!   Declan and Marjorie have a love scene.  I'm Marjorie and Dillon's dad said Dillon should play Declan, so yeah, we're having fake movie sex. 
    NATHAN:  I'm not so cool with this.  
    MAXIE:  Well, it's kind of a job requirement. 
    NATHAN:  Okay, if it makes you happy, but as long as you practice the scene with me first.    That way, we can have sex and you can call it professional development. 

      HAUNTED STAR

      LULU:  So, are you ready to have scripted, choreographed sex with my bestie?  
      DILLON:  Ready as I'll ever be.  
      LULU:  You know Maxie's dating a cop, right?  
      DILLON:  Yeah, and I hope he doesn't kick my ass or arrest me or anything.  
      LULU:  If it's any consolation, I'm sure Valerie is jealous too.
      DILLON:  Maybe.  I kind of forgot we were fake dating.
      LULU:  You'd BETTER be dating so you keep my cousin's claws out of my hubby!

      ICU

      VALERIE:  I've been SO worried about you, Dante.   How's your dad?   Is he still alive?  
      DANTE:  He's in surgery.  Patrick is fixing his brain as we speak.   Who knew that putting a ring on Carly's finger could send him into a seizure?   At least that takes the heat off me.  
       VALERIE:  Lulu told me you blamed yourself for Sonny's condition when you were TOTALLY blameless in what happened.   Do you know who shot him?  
       DANTE:   Michael said Ava said it was Carrrrrrrlos, but I'm not buying it.  Carrrrrrrlos takes orders from the Jeromes.  
      VALERIE:  You're so smart, Dante.  
      DANTE:  I'm feeling all the guilt feels about us, Valerie.  I almost told Lulu about our fireworks in bed on the Fourth of July.  
      VALERIE:  If you told Lulu, she'd hate me FOREVER!   She'd UN-COUSIN ME! 
      DANTE:  It's best that I take this to my grave. 

      AVA'S PENTHOUSE

      MORGAN:  Don't take Avery away from Dad, Ava.  It would KILL HIM! 
      AVA:  Too bad.  So Sad.  NOT!  Sonny has wanted me dead for over a year now.   I'm taking my baby come hell or high water.  
      MORGAN:  What if I offered my rockin' cougar-bait bod in exchange for my dad keeping Avery? 
     AVA:  Nice try, but you told me you washed your hands of me.  
     MORGAN:   I can unwash them as long as you let Dad keep Avery. 
     AVA:  No dice, Morgan.  I love your bod and all, but I love my daughter more. 

      SONNY'S HOUSE

      CARLY:  Why haven't we heard from Ric yet?   How long can it take to get a court order to stop Ava from acting on HER court order?  
      MICHAEL:  He's RIC LANSING, that's why!   Oh, and Ava's mobbed up, not that it would help us keep Avery because Dad's a mobster too. 
      CARLY:   You know this how?
      MICHAEL:  Because I sat down with the Five Families and Ava came waltzing in with her red cape dress and declared herself head of the Jerome organization.
      CARLY:  YOU sat down with THE FIVE FAMILIES????   THAT'S NOT COOL, MICHAEL!
      MICHAEL:  It was either me or Morgan and if Morgan went, to say all hell would have broken loose would be putting it mildly.   We didn't want RIC representing us either. 
       CARLY:  Okay, fine, but make it one and done with the mobster pow-wows, okay?  
       MICHAEL:  Fair enough.  By then, Dad would be able to do the sitting down himself.  Patrick will fix Dad's brain, Mom. I know he will.  

       PAUL'S OFFICE

      PAUL:  Anna, I had an interesting convo with one Kyle Sloane yesterday (to himself) and it didn't end well for that poor drunken bastard.
      ANNA:  Oh?  
      PAUL:  Mr. Sloane says you put a couple of bullets in Carrrrrrrlos Rivera.  
      ANNA:  That's what he says?  
      PAUL:  What says you, Anna?  
      ANNA:  Well, Sloane was kind of hot for me and I shot him down.
      PAUL:  And he didn't take rejection very well, I suppose.
      ANNA:  That's one way of putting it.
      PAUL:  I'm glad we had this talk.  

      ICU

     VALERIE:  The truth is, Dante, I'm only fake-dating Dillon to take my mind off you.  

     HAUNTED STAR

      DILLON:  (to himself)  You are not hot for Lulu.  You are not hot for Lulu.  You are not hot for...

     SONNY'S HOUSE

      MORGAN:  I went over to Ava's to try to bribe her into letting you and dad keep Avery.  
      CARLY:  What did you bribe her with, dare I ask?
      MORGAN:  My body.
      CARLY:  (to self) God, get some meds in this kid NOW!  
      AVA:  Me.  Baby.  NOW!