Gotta Get A Message To You

      Carly comes to in her wrecked car and can't get to her phone to call Jake.  Olivia learns from Lulu of Dante's cheatin' heart and tries to convince her daughter-in-law to forgive her son.  Felix, Epiphany, and Sabrina help Liz prepare for her big day.  Michael tells Sonny that Sabrina's not in a marrying frame of mind.   Lulu finds Valerie and Dante comforting each other as she comes to pack her stuff.  Morgan helps a hungover Kiki remember what happened the night before. 

        RTE 31

     CARLY:  What the...That was the worst night's sleep EVER!   OMG, it's Jake's wedding day and he needs to know he's Jason!   Dammit!  I can't reach my phone. 

      
       LIZ'S HOUSE

       JAKE:  I have a surprise for my beautiful bride!  I'm going to see if I can remember how to cook!  
       LIZ:  Awwww, Jake you're such the perfect almost-husband.  
       EPIPHANY:  The Bride Brigade is here!   Groom, you need to get lost.  It's bad luck to see the bride in her dress before the wedding. 
       JAKE:  But I was going to cook her some pancakes.  If I can remember how to make them.  
       FELIX:  Isn't the idea NOT to get the bride sick on her wedding day? 

       
         SONNY'S HOSPITAL ROOM

         SONNY:  Where's the ring on Sabrina's finger?   I told you to propose to her, didn't I?
         MICHAEL:  About that...Sabrina turned me down.
         SONNY:  I get it.  She doesn't want to go clink-BOOM because of my business.
         MICHAEL:  I think it's more because Mom scared her off, but you have a point.  It's only human nature not to want to get blown up or shot. 
         
    
         HAUNTED STAR

         OLIVIA:  Must have been some party last night. 
         LULU:  You can say that again.  I found out on Dillon's sizzle reel, along with everyone else on board, that Dante cheated on me with MY OWN COUSIN!  
         OLIVIA:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT????   My son worships the ground you walk on.   You have to forgive him for screwing your cousin.  
         LULU:  Not. Gonna. Happen.   My marriage is over, kaput, dead, gone, finished, destroyed, AND annihilated!   Clink-BOOM!  

  
        NINA/FRANCO/KIKI'S APARTMENT

        MORGAN:  Hey Keeks, I know you're super hungover, but do you remember driving drunk and crashing your car on Rte 31?   Since when do you have a car? 
        KIKI:  It was Franco's car.   OMG, I trashed Franco's car!  
        MORGAN:  At least I took the vodka bottle out of it. 
        FRANCO:  Hey, cougar bait, what are you doing in my home that I share with my girlfriend and my fake daughter?  
        KIKI:  Morgan's helping me be less hungover. 
        FRANCO:  You don't need him.  All you need is a donut.  A cronut, as a matter of fact.  I'm gonna drive to Kelly's and get you one.  It's Franco's not-so-secret hangover remedy.  
       

         DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT

         VALERIE:  Where's Lulu?  I have to convince her NOT to un-cousin me.   This is all my fault.  I screwed up.
          DANTE:  No, Valerie, I screwed up.
          VALERIE:  No, I screwed up.
          DANTE:  You didn't screw up.  I screwed up.  
          VALERIE:  Now I have to wear a red A on my chest and I won't be able to go to the police academy.   If that dirtbag Dillon is going to be shooting a movie, it might as well be The Scarlet Letter: 2015 Edition, set right here in Port Chuckles.  

     
          RTE 31

        CARLY:  Jake, don't hang up!  I have to cut this seatbelt off of me and then I have to tell you that you're Jason.  DON'T HANG UP!   Dammit!   

         
         SONNY'S HOSPITAL ROOM

         OLIVIA:  You won't BELIEVE what Lulu just told me.  My Dante.  OUR Dante CHEATED ON HER!   With her own cousin!   And she had to find out on some sizzle reel thingy at the party in front of EVERYONE!
         SONNY:  Say WHAAAAAAAT?   He was supposed to 'fess up BEFORE the party.  
         OLIVIA:  He wasn't supposed to 'fess up AT ALL!   It was his secret to keep, just like I tried to keep Dante a secret from you and Leo a secret from Julian.  
         SONNY:  Olivia, you're the most Catholic person I know.  Isn't confession good for the soul?  

  
         LIZ'S HOUSE

          LIZ:  I'm so lucky that Jake accepted my boys as his own. 
          SABRINA:  (to herself) Will Michael and all the Qs accept Carrrrrrrrrrlos's baby as his own.  I mean, what Q rolls his Rs like that?   

    
          DANTE & LULU'S APARTMENT

         LULU:  Well isn't this cozy.   Dante & Valerie sitting in a tree, cheating on and betraying me!  
         VALERIE:  Does this look like a tree to you, Lulu?   Besides, if you hadn't run off to another country with Dillon, none of this would have happened! 
          LULU:  I went to CANADA with Dillon, not Burkina Faso and NONE of this is even REMOTELY my fault, traitorous cousin.!  
         VALERIE:  Last time I checked, Canada is NOT the 51st state and you need to own up to not trusting your own hubby enough to tell him why you ran off in the first place.   I'm outta here. 
          LULU:  So am I.   And I'm taking Rocco with me.  I may even send you a postcard when he graduates college.  


          NINA/FRANCO/KIKI'S APARTMENT

           FRANCO:  Funny thing happened when I got to the parking garage.  There's a big-ass dent in the side of my car!
           KIKI:  Really?   That's random.  
           FRANCO:  I think I'm gonna let my girlfriend's brother know about this.   Good thing I called Geico.  It saves me 15% on car insurance.  I'm still getting you that cronut, Kiki. 
           
          
           OUTSIDE SONNY'S ROOM

          JAKE:  Your mom wants to talk to me but she's not answering her phone.  Do you know what's up with her?
          MICHAEL:  Maybe she's doing some last-minute best person stuff.  
          JAKE:  Maybe, but she sounded all dramatic on the phone.  
          MICHAEL:  This is my mom we're talking about.  

         
           RTE 31 
 
           CARLY:  Jake?   Jake, pick up!   Jake?