Cousin Relocation Program

   Lulu agrees with Dante that Valerie should stay in Port Chuckles, but not in their loft.   Lucy's head spins when she learns that Ellie and Spinelli and Maxie and Nathan are no longer together.   Nikolas explains how he got the ring, but leaves out the little detail about Jake being Jason.  Carly confronts Hayden at the MetroCourt in front of Ric and Elizabeth.  Hayden returns to Wyndemere for more sex with Nikolas.   Spinelli asks for Sam's assistance on the Jake/Hayden case.  

    DANTE & LULU'S LOFT

      LULU:  Heading home, Cousin Valerie?  
      VALERIE:  I was, but Dante convinced me to stay here instead.  
      DANTE: Damn straight I did.   We're her family, Lulu.  
       LULU:  You're right.  We're family.  I would love it if you stayed in town, but this place ain't big enough for the three of us, not to mention Rocco.  
       VALERIE:  Well, I kind of have a cash flow problem right now.
        LULU:  How would you like to live in a castle on an island with a real prince?  I'll call him right now.  
        DANTE:  Nikolas and Valerie aren't even related.   How about Carly? 
        LULU:  Carly's house is full.  Besides, who wouldn't want to live in a freakin' CASTLE?   

        MAXIE'S APARTMENT

       SPINELLI:  The whirlwind of a woman that is Lucy Coe desires that I perform at the Nurses' Ball with Ellie.  
       MAXIE:  Said "whirlwind" wants me to walk down the red carpet with Nathan.  She really needs to check her social media more often.  Wait, did I forget to update my relationship status?  
       SPINELLI:  Would it be terribly inappropriate for me to flaunt my marvel of science in the Magic Milo act?   
        MAXIE:  Hate to break it to you, Spinelli, but Nathan kinda replaced you last year.  
       SPINELLI:  Alas, I shall refrain.  However, if I may suggest, you and I could do a number together, Maximista.  
        MAXIE:  How fast can you come up with one and solve your case at the same time?   
       SPINELLI:  You raise an excellent point.  Carly is not in possession of much patience.  
       MAXIE:  Remember how you used to work with Sam?   
       SPINELLI:  As usual, Maximista, your cleverness is much appreciated!  

        KELLY'S 

       LUCY:  OMG!   As I live and breathe, it's Ellie Trout!   You MUST MUST MUST perform at the Nurses' Ball with Spinelli.  
       ELLIE:  Unfortunately, that will not be possible, for Damien and I no longer find our cosmic forces in alignment.  
       LUCY:  Say WHAAAAAAAAAT?    You two were EXPLOSIVE at the '13 ball.   You BLIND each other with SCIENCE!  You were MEANT TO BE!  
       ELLIE:  I wish that were so, Lucy.  
       LUCY:  How about you, Nathan?   Will you and Maxie be walking down that carpet like the two stunningly gorgeous creatures you are?  Will you, will you, WILL YOU????
       NATHAN:  I'm afraid not.  Maxie and I are history.  
       LUCY:  What is this universe coming to?   Everything is all cattywompus, topsy-turvy, and COMPLETELY out of whack!   Ellie & Spinelli, Maxie & Nathan.   Head for the hills, THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH!  
        NATHAN:  I'm really sorry we threw your universe into a tailspin, Lucy.  
        ELLIE:  I must inform you that Damien has reunited with Maxie.  
        LUCY:  Well, well WELL!  You and Nathan need to get together to MAKE THEM JEALOUS!  
        ELLIE:  We have barely become acquainted. 
        LUCY:  Fine, then be good friends and walk down the red carpet at the Nurses' Ball together. 
        NATHAN:  I'm up for it.  
       
       PATRICK'S HOUSE

       NIKOLAS:  Spencer got the ring from me.  Technically he stole it from my safe, but I put it in that safe in the first place.  
       PATRICK:  But how did the ring end up in your hands? 
       NIKOLAS:  My grandmother gave it to me.  She got her hands on it at Crighton Clark and gave it to me right before I sent her packing. 
       SAM:  And you didn't give it to me 2 months ago because...
       NIKOLAS:  It was the day Spencer got burned in the fire. 
       SAM:  So THAT'S what you wanted to tell me when I went up to Boston to see you.  
       NIKOLAS:  (fingers crossed behind back)  That's it. 
       PATRICK:  Thanks for clearing that up. 
       JAKE:  It's been a long day.  
       PATRICK:  I'll take you home so you don't go on any more motorcycle rides with my girlfriend. 

       METROCOURT

      LIZ:  Carly, what were you all up in Ric's business about earlier? 
     CARLY:  Do I need a REASON to be up in the business of the guy who locked me in a panic room?  
     RIC:  Again with the panic room.
     CARLY:  Oh, look who I see.  It's HAYDEN!   (Walks over to the door and grabs Hayden's arm) Hayden, I have someone I want to introduce you to.
     HAYDEN:  Let go of my arm you bitch!
     CARLY:  Hayden, meet Elizabeth's boyfriend Ric.  Ric, this is Jake's "wife" Hayden Barnes.   Or have you met before?  
     HAYDEN:  My husband told me about Ric and how he hates his guts.  
     RIC:  Elizabeth told me about how she showed up out of nowhere claiming to be Jake's hubby.  
     CARLY:  So, Hayden, how are things in the sac with ol' Jake?
     HAYDEN:  We have definitely got our husband-and-wife on, if you know what I mean.  
     CARLY:  That's interesting.  Jake told me otherwise.   He compared getting it on with you to having sex with a stranger.  
     RIC:  Thanks, Carly, for ruining mine and Elizabeth's dinner by interrogating this woman about her sex life.  
    CARLY:  She was all too happy to oblige, weren't you, HAYDEN?  

      PATRICK'S HOUSE

      SAM:  (on the phone with Spinelli) I'd be happy to help, Spinelli.   It's been too long since we worked on a case together.  
     SPINELLI:  I am most delighted!   Expedience is of the utmost priority, as you are most aware of Carly's impatience.  
     SAM:  I know Carly, alright.  Let's meet tomorrow and come up with a plan.
 
      WYNDEMERE

      HAYDEN:  I'm baaaaaaaack!   Let's do the wild monkey dance together.
      NIKOLAS:  My phone is ringing.
      HAYDEN:  Ever heard of voicemail?   Sex.  Now.  Please.
      NIKOLAS:  Since you asked nicely...

     KELLY'S
 
    ELLIE:  I am most uncomfortable with this notion of walking down the red carpet together.  
    NATHAN:  I'm not.   Lucy had a point about making Maxie and Spinelli jealous.   What better way to say "C'est la vie" than going to the Nurses' Ball together?  
    ELLIE:  I concord.  

   METROCOURT

    RIC:  Let's get out of here, Elizabeth.  This dinner date has been officially Carlyed.
    LIZ:  Why would Hayden lie about having sex with Jake?
    RIC:  Because she's a nymphomaniac?  

    JAKE:  I need a drink.
    CARLY:  Still pining over Elizabeth, I see.  
    JAKE:  I am a married man.
    CARLY:  We'll see about that.