Not Gonna Happen

   Ric declines Hayden's proposition.  Nikolas is immediately suspicious of Hayden being Jake's wife.  Liz wonders why he cares so much about Jake being married.  Could it be because HE ACTUALLY KNOWS WHO JAKE IS?   Spencer swipes Jason's ring and offers it to Emma, who is truly creeped out by being anyone's one true love at age ten.   Meanwhile, in his freeze-dried state (because crazy evil never dies), Stavros is smiling, saying "That's my grandson!"  Sam hangs out with Jake at the garage and Jake takes that shiny motorcycle for a spin as he drops Sam off at Patrick's.   Michael suspects that the Cassadines are trying to take over ELQ.   Kiki and Morgan, who are sharing a brain cell between the two of them, enact their plan to get Michael wasted around Avery/AJ.  Gee, NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN NOW, can it?  

    METROCOURT

    HAYDEN:  Jake won't give me sex.  I have needs.   What do you say, Ric?  
    RIC: Nice try, but NO SEX FOR YOU!   I only have eyes for Elizabeth. 
    HAYDEN:  You're no fun, you big stick in the mud you!  
    RIC:  You're just gonna have to try harder with that fake hubby of yours.  
   
    HOSPITAL

    NIKOLAS:  Say WHAAAAAAAT?   Jake has a WIFE?   (to himself) That's not Sam?
    LIZ:  Why so shocked?   It isn't inconceivable that such an attractive man could be married.  
    NIKOLAS:  How did said "wife" find him?  He has a different face.  
    LIZ:  Where there's a will, there's a way, I guess. 
    NIKOLAS:  Does she have proof? 
    LIZ:  Right down to Jake's brain scans.  His name is Jacob Barnes, by the way.  Apparently he has a habit of having brain surgery.  
     NIKOLAS:  I smell Helena's expensive perfume all over this.   Where is this wife and what is her name? 
    LIZ:  Her name is Hayden and she's staying at the MetroCourt.  But don't tell her I sent you.   On second thought, do.  After getting all up in my face with her TMI sex tales, she has it coming. 

    GARAGE

   JAKE:  Sam!  I didn't expect to see you (to himself) in my waking hours. 
   SAM:  So my dad has you on grease monkey duty.  
   JAKE:  Hey, it's work.   Beggars can't be choosers.  
   SAM:  Well, my car's on the fritz.  Something's wrong with the engine. 
   JAKE:  I'll take a look-see, but it might take awhile.  Need a ride back home? 
   SAM:  Sort of.  Not home, as in my penthouse, but home as in Patrtick's house.  We're shacking up! 
   JAKE:  I even have a driver's license now.  Only it has my old face on it.   Problem is, I don't have a car.  But check it out!  This bike looks like one sweet ride.  Whaddaya say? 
   SAM:  Sure, why not?  
  
    PATRICK'S HOUSE

   SPENCER:  Emma, why were you not at Wyndemere throwing me a Welcome Home party?  
   EMMA:  I was going to come over, but Daddy told me that Sam and Danny are moving in and we have to get ready.  
  SPENCER:  Okay, I guess I can forgive you.  As long as you accept this ring and agree to marry me. 
  EMMA:  Spencer, we're TEN!   We're way too young to get married. 
 SPENCER:  Not NOW, silly!   When we're, like 16 or something.  Until then, you will love no man but me.
  EMMA:  Spencer, you're scaring me.
  SPENCER:  It's my face, isn't it!  I KNEW IT!  YOU THINK I'M HIDEOUS!  WELL, FINE, GO BACK TO THE TOWNIE!
  EMMA:  Spencer, it's not your FACE that's scaring me.  You're just kind of acting crazy.  
 
  METROCOURT

  KIKI:  We are SOOO going to make Michael look like a drunken menace to society today.
  MORGAN:  Damn straight we are.  Guess what the Dominator told me?   Michael is losing ELQ too.
   KIKI:  Fist bump!
  MORGAN:  Right back atcha!  
 
  MICHAEL:  What the haaaaaaaaaaaTCHOO?   I've aaaaaaaaaaTCHOO lost MORE ELQ shares?  
  SABRINA:    Are you okay, Michael? 
  MICHAEL:   My aaaaaaaaaTCHOO allergies are killing me and my meds aren't working.  Plus, I think the Cassadines are taking over aaaaaaaaaaTCHOO ELQ.  
 
  REPORTER:  I'm from TMZ Port Chuckles and I have a few questions.
  MICHAEL:  Make an aaaaaaaaaTCHOOO appointment.   
  REPORTER:  Fine, I'll run the ELQ takeover story as written.
  MICHAEL:  Go ahead.  See if I care.  
 
  KIKI:  Hello Avery! 
  MICHAEL:  It's AaaaaaaaTCHOO!  AJ, and I want you two to stay away from her. 
  MORGAN:  Says who?  Not the court. 
  MICHAEL:  Says me!  Her legal guardian. 
  KIKI:  Oh, by the way, Morgan and I are back together, right Cap'n? 
  MORGAN:  Aye aye! 
 
   MICHAEL:  And here I thought they were just friends.  
   WAITER:  Can I get you anything else? 
   MICHAEL:  Scotch on the rocks.  With extra Scotch!