Bionic Baby

One baby, so many names!   Franco wants female artists.  Nina wants horses named for allergy medicine.   One of my favorite GH facebook pages, General Hospital Snark is teeming with crypt-themed names for the baby that was possibly conceived during Sonny & Ava's crypt sex.   Then there's Dimples and Baby Zyrtec.   It looks like Nina and Franco settled on a name...

NINA:  Oh, you are so CUTE!   Even when your diaper is full of POOP!   Sweet, sweet poop!   Yeah, Franco, I agree we need to name her.  Zyrtec was fun for awhile, but I think she developed an allergy to it.   YOKO?  Wouldn't that be kind of conspicuous if the baby's not Japanese?   How about Allegra?  After my FAVORITE horse out of whose hoo-hah I pulled a foal, hoof-first?   Oh yeah, that's an allergy medicine too.   There's nobody in MY family I want to name this precious little angel after.  Certainly not my mother, who treated Jay like the favorite child and me like someone she wanted to put into a 23-year COMA!   But then there is Jay himself.  Jay always had my back, even when he found out I was his cousin, not his sister.   Let's name her after him.  Not James, but Jamie.  Like the Bionic Woman.  YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THE BIONIC WOMAN IS???   Must. Stream. Episodes. Now.   I want this baby to grow up to be BIONIC!  

FRANCO:  Just a friendly reminder, Nina:  Having a baby with us will make it harder to disappear off the face of the earth.  Not only are Sonny and Ava after us, but so is your mother, seeing that you kinda tried to kill her with Mr. Lamp.  Unfortunately, Mr. Lamp paid the ultimate price.  You know, this baby kind of needs a name.  A REAL name.   Dimples was cute, Zyrtec was weird, even for me, but she needs something to put on a phony birth certificate.  How about Piper?  Krueger?  Yoko?   Oh, come on, Nina, Baby Yoko sounds SO CUTE!   Okay, we'll go with a more "normal" name, not like either of us know what NORMAL is.   As long as it's not Carly or Betsy or Heather.   Allegra?  I thought we were done with pharmaceutical names.   Those are okay for horses, but humans is where I draw the line.   You want to name her after your cop brother?   Well, the whole gender-bending thing is in for girls' names, I guess.   Who the hell is the Bionic Woman?   Okay, Jamie, the Bionic Baby it is!  

OBRECHT:  Britta!  Stop zis nonsense about confessing to Prince Nikolas!   You see, Prince, I am ze one who convinced her to use the young child to vin you back.  My Britta was heartbroken zat you vouldn't even look at her and groveling vas not very attractive, so I told her she must find a vay to bring ze two of you closer togezer.   Nassan!  I sought I'd find you here.  Magda, vat are you doing here?  Cesaaaah!   Vy aah you arresting my Cesaaah!   Anna Devane IMPRISONED him in a hole under ze stables at Vyndemere and HE is ze one being arrested?   Nassan, don't let zat policeman talk to your mutter like zat!   Yes, Cesaaah, Nassan is my son.  I had him viss anozzer man vile you vere avay.  But zat does not mean I don't love you viss all my heart!  Cesaaah!   EINUNDZVEIZIG LIEBFRAUMILCH, MAGDA!  Everysing is RUINED!  Magda, vy would I testify zat you vere coerced by your unstable daughter?  

MADELINE:  James, what is the word on Nina?   I'm sorry all this had to drag you away from your Thanksgiving at that spooky castle with my sister.   I swear I'm telling the truth about Nina leaving with Franco.   Wait, James.  I need to tell you something before I go.  I'm headed to P-ville as soon as the wardens finish eating their turkey.  I know we've had our issues, but I love you, James and I'm so proud of you.  I like to think you got your best traits from me and not your biological parents.  What's this about Victor Cassadine?  What does he have to do with anything.   So that's what my sister led you to believe, that Victor is your father?   Maybe she shot him so he wouldn't tell you the truth.   Oh, Liesl, don't tell me you were going to skip town with that walking bucket of crazy!   Can you dial back the German diatribe for two seconds, Liesl.  Did you tell James that Victor Cassadine was his father?   Now I have you right where I want you.   You will testify that Nina coerced me to go along with her diabolical plans or I will tell James who his father really is.  

 NATHAN:  Madeline, we meet again.   Why would we fill you in on Nina.   You're a person of interest in her disappearance.   Besides, you know as much as we do, that Nina left with Franco.  That is, if you're telling the truth.   You're not going anywhere, mother-aunt.  You're cuffed to the desk, remember?   Issues with you, that's one way of putting it.  By biological parents, I'm assuming you mean Liesl and Victor.   Victor Cassadine is my biological father.  At least that's what he told me before Liesl shot him.   She claimed she was trying to protect me.  Wait, so Victor WASN'T my father?   Who IS my father?  I'M SO CONFUSED!   Mother, I wasn't expecting to see you here.   Is everything okay at Wyndemere?   Where are you going?   See you later, mother.  I have to go interrogate your boyfriend. 

 FAISON:   Come on, Julian.  Yous remember me, even dough we haven't met face-to-face.  Is de one calling de shots!  Dis is all ANNA'S FAULT!   She imprisoned me in a hole underneat de stables at Wyndemere.  She took de law into her own hands.   Tell your young detective!  Tell him, Anna, how yous held me captive!   Liesl!   Is dis young man your son?   Yous had a son wit anoder man?   Is not going to answer any of your questions until Is get a phone call.   Hand me de phone.   So, Luke-a-like, hows things going at de Q's? 

DANTE:  Hey, Eyebrows, watch your mouth.   You imprisoned my wife's father and caused her to go crazy with worry.  I will see to it that you never see the light of day again, let alone get a brow wax.   It's okay, Anna.  If I were in the same situation, I would have done the same thing.   Time to haul you off to the station, Cesar Salad.   Hey, Lulu, I got ol' Faisy in cuffs and I'm on the way to the station.   Give my love to the kiddo.   Hey, pipe down German lady!   You're boyfriend's going away for a long long time.  So, Cesar, what do you have to say for yourself? 

ANNA:  Faison, you sick bastard!  OF COURSE you would be involved in this.  You would be the one to imprison Luke Spencer.  Julian, in case you didn't already know, this is the PSYCHOPATH who has been terrorizing me and my family for decades.  Dante, I will explain later what I did to this unkempt lunatic.  It would be best if you would be the one to take him in.   Julian, Julian, Julian.  You are going to be joining your co-conspirator in lockup for your role in keeping Luke Spencer locked up in a padded cell for almost a year.   I don't care what your excuses were.  Tell those to your lawyer.  Alexis.  I just brought your client in.   You aren't representing Julian?  Alexis, there is something you need to know about Ric.  He is alive.  

JULIAN:  Who's this clown?   I don't know any Cesar Faison.   I'm not any part of these shenanigans, I assure you.   Look, Anna, I was following my boss's orders under duress.   You know how dangerous this Faison character is.  He had Lucas shot and the threatened to go after Alexis, Sam, Danny, Molly.  What was I supposed to do, Anna?   The guy doesn't make empty threats. 

LUKE-A-LIKE AT THE Q'S:  Take it easy, Tracy.   Remember, I was a thoughtless spouse who took off without bidding sayonara.  Only I was imprisoned in a PADDED CELL!   If Anna and Dante are doing their job, they'll pry the name of my dastardly doppleganger out of Julian's piehole.  So this is the little rugrat.  None of this grandpa talk.  We're on a first-name basis.  Rocco, Luke.  Luke, Rocco.   Hey, this kid looks a little like me.  I could always use another double!   By the way, when did you pop this kiddo outta you?  I was only in the funny farm for 10 months and this kid's got a few months on that.   Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!  Some lovelorn doc knocked herself up with you and Dante's clump of cells and gave birth to your kid?   You miss a lot when you're trussed up in a straitjacket.   Now if you'll excuse me, I have a maniacal Danish doppelganger to bump off.   Fine, I won't plug ol' Cesar, but if he breaks loose from the hoosegow, all bets are off.   Hey ol' buddy!  All is going swimmingly.  I've snowed these morons into thinking I am the rescued Luke Spencer.  Luke-a-like for the win!    

LULU:  Look who's ready to meet his grandpa!   Daddy, this is Rocco.   Isn't he the cutest thing you've ever seen.  Oh, about that.  I didn't actually give birth to this bundle of cuteness. Britt Westbourne did.  Under the orders of her Dr. Frankenstein of a mother, Britt implanted Dante's and my embryo inside of her to hold on to Patrick.  This was before she was into my brother, by the way.   I didn't know Rocco was mine for the first six months of his life.  Even though he looked just like me.  I'm so happy you're home, Dad.  Now you and your grandson can get to know each other better.   Hi Dante.  You got Faison?  Just be careful, sweetie-pie.   Daddy, what are you doing?   If you're not going to not kill Faison for me or Tracy, please do it for Rocco.  He just met you and he wants to get to know you better.  

TRACY:  When Anna was duped by Faison in a Duke mask, I totally judged her and called her an idiot.  Guess who's wearing the dunce cap now!   Where the hell is Dante anyway.   Can't he see his wife is worried about him?   There's nothing worse than husbands who disappear without saying "See ya'" to their wives.  Oh, yeah, being locked in a loony bit gives you immunity, Luke.  I hope that bastard who stole your life pays for what he did.   Freeze, Luke.  You are not going to kill Faison and get thrown in jail.  Not when I just got you back.   Come up to bed, Luke.   I have to wash the memory of having sex with your doppleganger out of my brain. 

ROCCO:  Dat man SCAAAARY!   ME NO LIKE HIM!    He my gampa?   NOOOOOO!  

ALEXIS:  How was your Thanksgiving, Molly?  Sorry I couldn't spend it with you.   I was with Julian, but not in a lovey-dovey sort of way.  He helped me rescue Luke Spencer.   I don't know how to tell you this, but Luke's double was Julian's boss.  Ric was innocent.  You were right all along.  I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.  Molly, I made a mistake when I trusted Julian.  He lied to me and I should have known better.  I love you!   Okay, I'll leave you alone.   Anna, I'm not here to defend Julian.  He framed Ric by falsely naming him as Julian's boss.   He broke my daughter's heart.  What?  What do you have to tell me about Ric, Anna?   He's ALIVE??? 

MOLLY:  Some Thanksgiving.  TJ and I just went to see a movie.  He wanted the distraction since he's still royally pissed at his mom and Shawn.   He's back in his dorm now and he can concentrate on school.  No, I can't really tell you more.  You know, TJ's privacy and all.   What?  I thought you broke up with Julian and were dating Ned now.   I knew my dad was innocent and NO ONE WOULD LISTEN!  Don't touch me you Julian sympathizer!   I love you too, but right now I can't stand the sight of you because it makes me think of my dead dad.   Oh Daddy!  I knew you were right.   Why didn't my mom believe me!  

NIKOLAS:  Britt, what's this all about?  Obrecht, what's German for BUTT OUT?   You were behind Spencer's disappearance?   You ENDANGERED MY SON?   He was wondering around Port Chuckles ALL BY HIMSELF!   Do you have any IDEA how many crazies have been roaming around town lately?  Heather Webber, Franco, Nina Clay, YOUR MOTHER, maybe even a few resurrected Cassadines!   Scram, Obrecht!    Britt, you REALLY screwed the pooch this time.   You're always playing the victim, blaming your wacked-out mother and never taking responsibility for yourself.  You were about to confess before YOUR MUTTER offered up excuses for you.   Pack your bags, sister because you've been voted OFF THE ISLAND again.   Oh, and get a lawyer because you're gonna need one.  

BRITT:  Nikolas, I was behind Spencer disappearing.   I thought if he ran away and I supported you while you worried about him, it would bring us back together.  Mother, it's okay.  I need to tell him.   Alright, mother.  Have it your way.   I'm so sorry, Nikolas.   Spencer was never in danger.   I knew where he was and I was in touch with him the whole time.   Nikolas, please try to understand.   I love you and I wanted you back in my life.   Nikolas, can we please sleep on this.  Preferably together?   What is it?  You've changed your mind?  You're pressing charges?  Damnit, Britt, you really screwed up this time.