Too Many Lukes

  Here a Luke, there a Luke, just how many of them are there now?   One's at the Qs and one's at Julian's.  Is there a third one still locked up at the loony bin?   Will the real Luke Spencer please stand up?

  LUKE-A-LIKE AT QUARTERMAINES:  So, cupcake, tell me about this grandson of mine?   He's a year old?  That can't be possible.  No, really, it can't.  You didn't have him ten months ago.   Hey, Tracy, want some of my drink?   Whoa whoa whoa!  Easy with the Corinthos impressions!   Don't be too hard on yourself.  My impostor was a damn good actor.   If there was an Oscar for Best Performance by a Luke Spencer, it would go to him.   But I'm back now.

  LULU:  Your grandson's name is Rocco.  He just turned a year old two months ago.   Yeah, I know the math doesn't add up, but it's a long story.   One I can tell you later.  I'm just so happy you're back.

 TRACY:  Dammit, Luke!   I still can't believe I fell for this fake.   I married him.  I HAD SEX WITH HIM!   How did I not know?  HOW DID I NOT KNOW????

 ALEXIS:  Julian was being threatened by the Luke-a-like that was acting as his boss.  The guy shot Lucas, for crying out loud, not to mention blowing up my house.   He was under duress the whole time, Ned.   I didn't say he wasn't at fault, but the man committing those crimes was the LUKE-A-LIKE, who very well may be YOUR FATHER! 

 NED:  Why do you keep defending Julian?   He had Luke locked up at an institute for the criminally insane for almost a year!   Just how involved IS my father in all of this?   Here I thought he was just a bumbling drunkard.   

 DANTE: Commish, how would you like Julian Jerome's head on a silver platter?

 ANNA:  Hello, Duke.  Lucy, you didn't get the memo?   Alexis didn't set Duke free.  Sonny did.  For a price.   I'll let him tell you all about his new gig.   OPEN UP!  POLICE!   Julian Jerome, you are under arrest!    What do we have here?   You are no Luke Spencer.   (pulls off mask)  Oh. My. God.

 LUKE-A-LIKE AT JULIAN'S:  Going somewhere, Jerome?   The only way you're leaving this place is in a body bag.  You set Luke Spencer free and you're gonna have to DIE!    Sure, I'll tell you my REAL NAME.   Then I'll have to kill ya.  You know how that goes.  Anna, Anna we're buddies!   Friends with benefits.  Remember?   Hey, don't touch me!

 JULIAN:  If it isn't my nameless boss with Luke Spencer's face.   You mind telling me just who the hell you really are?   All I need is your name.  Your REAL NAME.   Dammit!   Commissioner, what are you arresting me for this time?   Did I look at you funny or something?

 SILAS:  Game over, Ava.   You're not going anywhere.   I KNOW what YOU DID!   You killed Connie Falconeri.   You're not hiding from Sonny's men.  You're hiding from the POLICE.   Guess what, Ava?   You're about to be found.   Commissioner?   Dammit, it went straight to voice mail.  Don't you dare use the baby as an excuse.  Or Kiki, for that matter.   You lied to me, Ava.   You tricked me into harboring a fugitive.   Sonny's in The Big House, Ava.  He's not going to kill you from behind bars.  Besides, he's had chances to whack you and he hasn't done it.   Doesn't that tell you something?    Fine, I won't turn you in.  I'll help you find that baby, but you owe me, Ava.

 AVA:  Silas, please don't call the police.  If you do, I'm dead.  DEAD!   Yes, I killed Connie Falconeri and it was wrong.   Yes, I lied to you, but I am a MOTHER!   I will do ANYTHING to protect my children and right now I have a tiny, helpless BABY out there with a lunatic and a serial killer.  What if KIKI'S life were in danger?  Wouldn't you move heaven, earth, and a bunch of other planets to save HER?    If I go back to Port Charles, one of Sonny's men will find me and plug me.   What will you tell Kiki when she finds out you had a chance to keep me safe, but you refused?   What will you tell the BABY when she is old enough to wonder what happened to her mother?   Just go back to Port Charles.  I'll go find my baby on my own.

 NINA:  OF COURSE WE CAN KEEP THE BABY!  Smell her head, Franco.  SMELL HER COCKADOODY HEAD!   It's the aroma of pure joy!   We deserve Baby Dimples and we are keeping her.  Not Morgan.  Not Ava.  Not Sonny.  Not Kiki.  WE ARE.  So are you in or are you out?  Who better to raise this baby than us?   We're gonna be a BITCHIN' ROCK STAR FAMILY FROM MARS!   Where did I hear that before?   Oh yeah, when you were filling me in on the last 20 years of Hollywood gossip on the boat to Canada.   This baby really likes us, Franco.   If we give her to someone else, she'll miss us.   She'll cry and cry and nothing anyone can do would make her stop.  Do you want our Baby Dimples to suffer like that?

 FRANCO:  We can't really keep this baby.  What do you mean, smell her head?   Is this like a wine tasting?  What's it supposed to smell like?   Hmmm, it smells like a baby's head.   I've kidnapped babies before, Nina.  By babies, I mean a baby.  I snatched Elizabeth Webber's kid Aiden right out of the hospital when he was a newborn.  It was going to be for some really awesome performance art piece, but I couldn't go through with it so I gave him to the woman who raised me.   I wasn't the world's best son so I thought Betsy deserved another chance.   Now, it seems like Aiden's gone missing again because when I'm in The Chuckles, I never, EVER see the kid.  Anyway, are you REALLY SURE you want to keep  this baby, seeing that we might, I don't know, GET CAUGHT?

 NIKOLAS:  Britt, what's this about, this thing that can ruin our relationship?   Do YOU have Ava Jerome's baby?   What are you lying about this time?   It's rather difficult teaching Spencer honesty when his mother figure has a truth problem.   So, what's the secret.   Or do I need to ask Spencer?   Spencer, Britt has never lied to you about anything, has she?   Spencer, go eat your turkey and spaetzel.   Britt and I have to have a grown-up conversation.  

  BRITT:  Nikolas!   I was just arguing with my mother, as usual.   Trying to talk her out of harboring a terrorist in your house and all.  You'll thank me later.  Lying?  What would I be lying to you about?  Hey, don't go all truth police on Spencer.  I'll tell you.  Remember when Spencer went missing?   I kinda had something to do with it.

  SPENCER:  Hello?  Aren't we forgetting the EATING part of Thanksgiving?   What about Britt.  No, she's not a liar.  Well, not...really?   You're not gonna throw her out again, are you dad?