New Year's Wormhole Eve, Part I

Christmas Eve lasted one day, Christmas Day was nonexistent/offscreen, but New Year's Eve will probably give Halloween a run for its money in the Port Chuckles Holiday Time Warp.   Badass improviser Jordan spares herself a bullet hole or two by saying she works for "Duke's Organization".   Then again, this is Chuckletown, where guns are usually only conversation props.   Jake says sayonara to Hotel Liz and hits the road in search of who the hell he really is.   Maxie, Lulu, Nathan, and Spinelli are victims of a Gift of the Magi-style travel dilemma.   Duke invites Lucy to spend New Year's Eve with him.  Agent Sloane appears out of the blue to meet with Anna.  Patrick and Sam decide to throw caution to the wind and go for it.

JORDAN:  Is that a gun, Julian, or are you happy to see me?   Look, I saved your pregnant sister from Sonny's men, so you kinda owe me for that.  If you think about it, I did you a favor.  Ric is Molly's father.  Molly is Alexis's daughter.  You do the math.  Let's try this.  Shoot me and you answer to Duke Lavery's men.  Yes, Duke Lavery's men.  Duke curses the ground you walk on.   He hates you even more than Sonny does.  Shoot me and you're a dead man.   Anna, you win.  I'm in with the Sonny/Duke mafia and TJ will have to wait even longer to find out I'm not a drug dealer.

JULIAN:  Jordan, you're kinda gonna have to die.  You sprung Ric and my boss is pissed.  As usual, he sent me to do his dirty work because he's the biggest coward that walked the face of the earth.   Looking for these?   You know, Jordan, when you shoot a gun, it helps to have bullets in it.  Just a helpful hint.   By the way, about Faison, you didn't get the memo.  He's left the building, so to speak.  How do I know you're working for Lavery?   Fine, you live, but I'll be watching you, Robert DeNiro-style.   Sorry, Bossman. Jordan lives.  We've got a problem. 

ANNA:  Duke, you know where I stand when it comes to you and your mobbishness.   I may have squirreled Faison in a hole, but he deserved it.  You are working for a mob kingpin and that's worse than hiding an international terrorist under the stables of a haunted island.   So, we're still at a stalemate.   Agent Sloane, what gives?   You know I don't want to shoot the breeze with you, just as you don't want to shoot the breeze with me, so what's up?   Are you looking for other terrorists who have escaped from holes?  

DANTE:  I swear, Maxie calls Lulu more than the station calls me.  Fashion emergency, I presume.  What's this about work, Luke?   Did Kelly's hire a new BLT artist?   You and Tracy are selling derivatives.  Fascinating.  Should I even ask what you're deriving? 

LUKE-ALIKE:  It's been fun kibitzing with you and my "daughter" but I've gotta go.  Work calls.  Yes, I'm gainfully employed, but don't tell Lulu.  It's a big surprise, and boy will she be surprised!   Tracy and I are going into business together selling derivatives!   What are derivatives?  Who cares?  I leave those details to Tracy.   See you around, "son-in-law".   Hey, Duke, what's shakin?   We have something in common.  Faison has masks of both of us.  Isn't that hilarious?   So Julian, did you finish your "homework"?   No?  What sort of "problem" do we have?

DUKE: Luke Spencer, do what do I owe this visit?  Yes, we have both been victimized by Cesar Faison and latex mask factory, but we have another important thing in common:  Our first names rhyme!  Why am I not 100% convinced you are Luke Spencer?   Hello Anna.   Maybe I am working on the wrong side of the law, but I never hid anyone, international terrorist or not, in a hole.   Lucy Coe is here to see me.  I sure am popular today.   What is this, Lucy?  You DON'T want to spend New Year's Eve with Scott Baldwin?   I'll bite.  Why don't you spend New Year's Eve with Port Charles's newest kilted mob boss?

LUCY:  Hello, Duke!  Hi Anna.   Duke, I don't WANT to spend New Year's Eve with Scott.  He chose BOOBIE over me and I REFUSE to be BOOBIE's sloppy seconds!   So I'm gonna eat cookies, drink wine, and watch Ryan Seacrest.  Spend New Years' Eve with YOU?  I thought you'd NEVER ask!

AGENT SLOANE:  Funny thing happened, Anna.   The WSB, headed by your good buddy Frisco Jones, is now investigating ME for conflict of interest!   Totes unfair!  After all, if anyone has a conflict of interest, it's Frisco, being old, old, OLD friends with YOU! 

LULU:  Maxie, what's the emergency?  Nathan's in PORTLAND?  What wrinkle in the space-time continuum made THAT possible?   And how did you get HERE so fast?   Last I heard, your teleporter was on the fritz and so was Nathan's.  Wait, wait, hold the phone!  YOUR DAD is the new head of the WSB???  When did this happen?   We ARE talking about Frisco and not Mac, right?   Any dress would do, Maxie.  Nathan thinks you're gorge even in a burlap sack.    Nathan himself would be gorge in a burlap sack too, but that's beside the point.  How was Portland and little...Georgie?   I'm so happy for you even if Georgie used to be my daughter by a different name even though she obvi looked like Spinelli.   But I have Rocco now so all is copacetic.   Nathan thinks he can make it here by midnight?   Awesomesauce!

MAXIE:  OMG, Nathan's MISSING!   Lulu, you HAVE to come over.  I'm at my apartment and Nathan is NOT HERE!   No way, he's in PORTLAND?  HOW???  I thought his teleporter was just as broken as mine.   My dad, the new director of the WSB (surprise, surprise!) helped me fix mine.   This SUCKS!   We were supposed to spend NEW YEAR'S EVE TOGETHER!   WHAT are we going to DO?   New Year's Day is NOT New Year's Eve!   Nathan?  How are you in PORTLAND now?   That's totally crazy.  If Spinelli can't fix a teleporter, no one can.   Your mother-aunt's friend can turn her plane around?  She is the BEST!   Nathan's mother-aunt's rich friend's plane can get Nathan home by midnight.  What should I WEAR?   This slinky silver one?   This halter?  This blue one that goes with my shoes by might be too blue?    Come on, Lulu, we used to work for Crimson together.   Find your fashion sense ASAP!!!!   (at the airport)  WHERE'S NATHAN WHERE'S NATHAN WHERE'S NATHAN??????   Nathan?  You're still in Portland?   Tell Spinelli to kick his brain into turbo and fix that damn teleporter. 

NATHAN:  So Maxie's back in Port Chuckles?   DAMMIT!   It's like Gift of the Magi.   For a cop, I am very literate.  My mother-aunt insisted on the best education money can buy.  She also arranged for one of her rich society friends to commandeer her private jet to get me here.   I just have to find a way for her to get me back home.   So, for a guy with a new girlfriend, you sound really into Maxie, but since you're on the other side of the continent, this new girl must be something special.   Maxie, I had the same idea as you and I crossed the country and met your baby-daddy but you're not here.   How did you get back home?   Well, I'll try to catch Mother-Aunt's rich friend's plane before it leaves the airstrip and if I can, I'll be back by nine.   So, Spinelli, I'd love to meet Maxie's daughter.  Is she awake?   Hey, Georgie.   She looks just like Maxie...and you.   A lot like you, actually.   She's a beautiful, adorable girl and I hope Maxie and I...well, when the time comes.  We need to go on our second date first. 

SPINELLI:  It is most unfortunate that you and Maximista's two planes, or teleporters, crossed in the night--or morning.   How did you arrive at our fair city?   Your mother as in the most fearsome Dr. Liesl Obrecht?  Ah yes, your mother-aunt.   Maxie is a unique and luminous creature.   At present, I am romantically involved with another lovely, intelligent, and scientifically endowed creature named Ellie.  You would like to make Georgie's acquaintance?   I shall retrieve her.   You are most adept with children.   We must depart for the airport with haste. 

PATRICK:  What about that kiss, Sam?   Hey, I'm just glad you haven't written me off completely after the Faison/Jason debacle.   Do you want to give this relationship thing a try?   I'm game if you are.  Let's hit the MetroCourt for the New Year's Eve festivities.  After I go perform some brain surgery.  See you at nine. 

SAM:  Patrick, we need to talk about that kiss.  Did it mean something.  Are we a Samtrick now?   Do you want to couple up?   You answer first.  Okay, I do too.   New Year's Eve at the Metro Court.  Sounds like fun.  I'll find the phantom babysitter for Danny and I'll see you at nine.

JAKE:  Uhlizabeth, thanks for putting me up for a month and change, but I'm outta here.  Ric said I'm in the way.  Besides, I've gotta go find my missing memory and my missing wife and missing kids who are missing me.   I'm going to be shoveling some snow on Spoon Island and trying to find a better job.   I suck at making martinis so bartending is out of the question.   Thanks again, but I really gotta go.  Tell the kiddos bye for me.

LIZ:  Jake, why are you leaving?  You know I have no problem with you staying.   I love taking in stray--strangers.   Please stay.  I would feel totally guilt-ridden if you left because of me and Ric.   Please stay, Jake!  Pretty please with a cherry on top!

HOSPITAL CLOCK:  It's three o'clock.  Six hours sucked into the wormhole!  It's now nine o'clock.  Let the games begin!