I'll Think of Something...

Helena & Obrecht's first scenes together!  Spencer's all kinds of pissed that Daddy kicked Britt to the curb...again.  Tracy's all kinds of pissed at Anna for Faison escaping and impersonating Luke--little does she know!   Sam's all kinds of pissed at Patrick for not telling her Jason is alive.   Liz is shocked that it was Helena who made the Turkey Day cameo. 

FAISON:  Anna, yous on my naughty list now!   Yous no better than me becoz you abandoned the law you pretend to uphold.  Dat makes you a criminal too.  So Is popular now?  Is no problem wit dat.  Next visitors, please.   Who's dis lovely lady?   You cryin' over your husband?   Who is dis Rafe Kovich kid.   Is did not run nobody off de road  Dat was Victor Cassadine.   Is got some news for yous sweetheart.  Your Jason Morgan is ALIIIIIIVE!   Just ask Doctor Drake.  

ANNA:  Alright, Cesar, since Wyndemere apparently cannot contain you, I'm having you sent back to Steinmaur, for all the good that will do.   I may have abandoned the law, but the justice system was an EPIC FAIL in keeping you locked up.   You TORTURED my family for decades and you KIDNAPPED my daughter and made us believe she was DEAD for almost two years!   There is NO WAY I'm on your level, Cesar Faison.  By the way, since there's no attorney stupid enough to try to defend you, you can have as many visitors as you want.  In fact, here are some right now.   Sam, Patrick, have at it.   Luke, Tracy, I'm glad I found you here.  I have to apologize for my role in what happened to Luke.  I hid Faison in what Robert and I called a "subterranean cell" at Wyndemere and he managed to escape.   Tracy, I understand why you are angry and I'm very sorry Faison impersonated Luke and kept him prisoner.  Thank you, Luke, for defending me.  Faison has been apprehended and he is in police custody now.   Hello, Elizabeth.  Thanks for the heads up on Helena.  We'll keep our fur and diamonds radar our for her. 

NIKOLAS:  Spencer, Britt doesn't live here anymore.  I found out that she once again lied to me and she helped you run away.  Really? Scheming with a 9-year-old?   Britt is a BAD, BAD PERSON!   I know you miss having a mother, but your real mother, Courtney, was nothing like Britt.  Courtney was a GOOD PERSON.   It's because of her you have an Uncle Sonny who you adore so much even though he's a BAD PERSON who is in jail now for killing someone.   Spencer, you will NOT talk to me that way.  It's UNACCEPTABLE.   Do you want me to sic Grammy Hella on you?   She may be a very BAD PERSON, but at least she can teach you manners. 

SPENCER:  Dad, WHERE IS BRITT???   Why did you make her leave?  I miss Britt.  The running away thing was MY FAULT.  She just helped me because she LOVED YOU and wanted to get back together with you.   I WANT BRITT!!!   I MISS BRITT!!!  I LOVE BRITT AND I HATE YOU!!!! 

BRITT:  Hi Brad.  How was your Thanksgiving with Lucas?   Mine kinda sucked, seeing that Nikolas kicked me outta the castle again.   He found out I helped Spencer run away.   I think I've lost him for good this time.  But wait, there's more.  He's pressing charges.  Child endangerment.   Diane, I need to talk to you, like, yesterday.  Call back STAT.   Like I can afford her anyway.   Alexis is out of the question because she's related to Nikolas.   I may be a doctor, but I'm in permanent debt because my mutter preaches self-sufficience and wouldn't pay a dime of my med school bills.   You would really help me pay for a lawyer?   That is so sweet, Brad, but you don't make much moolah.  I would know.   Thank you so much, Brad.  You're the best bestie EVER! 

BRAD:  Britt, how was Turkey Day?  I hung with Lucas and we watched the Golden Girls for 8 hours straight.  Sorry I couldn't join you at the Creepy Castle, but having Obrecht there would have cramped my style big-time.  What did you mutter do this time?   Nikolas?  I thought you guys were cool now.   He kicked you out AGAIN?   Man, that totally sucks!  What a bummer of a Thanksgiving.  He's pressing charges?   You know, there are more than two lawyers in town and it's not as if you can't afford one.  You're a DOCTOR!   No sweat, I'll help you pay.   Seriously!   I'd better get to work, though, before your mutter docks my pay.   What are besties for?   

LIESL OBRECHT:  Oh, Cesaaaah, vat kind of trouble have you gotten yourself into now?  Ve vere supposed to go away togezzer and now you are in ze slammer again.  Helena?   I sought you ver dead!  Please don't kill me, Helena!  I only killed Victor to protect my son.  You know vat it's like to vant to protect your family.  Is zat a gun you are pulling out of your exkvizite mink coat?   Oh, it is just a compact.   My Cesaaah has been captured and he is going to ze Big House in Shteinmaur again.  Alas!   Ve vere supposed to run away togezzer.   Vat do you mean, Cesaaaah won't be in prison for long?  You are going to bust him out?   How vill you do zat, Helena?   Of course!  It is alvays important to have good goons on ze payroll.   I am so happy, Helena!  How vill I repay you for setting my Cesaaah free?   Oh, Britta, don't worry about a sing because every little sing is going to be alright! 

HELENA:  Missing something, Liesl?   It has been far too long since we have last seen each other.   I am indeed alive, thanks to my brother-in-law Victor, whom you killed.  That was not very nice of you, Liesl.  Why so frightened?   It's merely a compact.  One must always make sure one's makeup is absolutely flawless.   But fear not, Liesl.  Victor was rather far down on my list of favorite Cassadines.   Mikkos, despite his unfortunate infidelity was at the top of my list.  I was even more fond of Cesar Faison than I was of Victor.  After all, when I was immobilized by my ineffectual, tedious son Stefan all those years ago, it was Cesar who provided me the antidote that restored my mobility.  Victor had someone else defrost me.  He couldn't bother with doing it himself.   Cesar will not be imprisoned for long.  He will be set free in the very near future.  Don't worry, Liesl, I have people for that.  How can you repay me?   I'll think of something.   You know how creative I can be.  

SAM:  Faison, you killed my husband!   I am Sam Morgan.  My husband was Jason Morgan and you shot him in the back and kicked him into the harbor like he was some sort of animal.   You know I have some Cassadine in me and I'm not afraid to use it.   What do you mean, Victor Cassadine ordered Rafe Kovich to run Patrick and Sabrina off the road?   You're lying.  Jason is NOT ALIVE!   He died two years ago.  If he were alive, he would have found me.  Patrick?  Tell me, did you know?  DID YOU KNOW JASON WAS ALIVE?  

PATRICK:  Not only did you kill Jason Morgan, Faison, but you also killed: my son.  Gabriel was born four months early due to a car accident where his mother and I were run off the road.   What do you mean, you have no idea?  What does Victor Cassadine have to do with anything?   Uh oh!  This is where Sam finds out I knew about Jason being alive.  Busted. 

TRACY:  Anna, do you mean to tell me you hid Faison IN A HOLE?  A FRICKIN HOLE?   OF COURSE HE ESCAPED!   And he pretended to be my husband while Luke tied up in a looney bin for Criminally Insane BLT Lovers.   Not only that, I MARRIED THAT IMPOSTOR.  I MARRIED CESAR FAISON BECAUSE OF YOU, ANNA!   I hold you personally responsible for what happened to Luke! 

LUKE-A-LIKE AT THE Q'S:  Alice, you're looking good.  Pretty soon I'll have to start calling you Slim #2!   Wait a minute, if you suspected that faux Luke was an impostor, WHY DIDN'T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?  WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL SOMEONE?  WHY DIDN'T YOU ALICE?  WHY DIDN'T YOU?   Hey, relax!  I was just messing with ya.   You had a heart attack?   When was that?  So, you've got the heart of a gangster.   You're now officially a badass, my friend.   Hey, Slim, what's shakin?   Tracy, go easy on Anna.  She didn't know Faison was the psycho going around impersonating me.   She thought he was still hangin' with the horses.   So, Original Recipe Luke, how do you like your new hideout?   Not a fan of duct tape?  Too bad, so sad. 

ALICE:  Good to have you back Mr. Luke.  I had my doubts about that double.   He just seemed off.  His personality and voice had some sinister undertone.   Whoa, Mr. Luke!  I didn't mean to upset you.  Gee, I didn't tell anyone because it's not like they'd believe me.  I'm but a servant.  There was really nothing I could do.  You were away for so long and then I had the heart attack and the transplant.  But guess what, Mr. Luke.  You're gonna love this.  I got the heart of a GANGSTER beating inside me!   Am I badass or what?  

LIZ:  I never said you imagined that woman, Jake.  Oh. My. God.  That is HELENA CASSADINE!  She is evil personified and a psychopath if I ever saw one.   Her main target was the Spencers and I was once married to one, so she had a field day with me.  She called me every insulting name in the book.  Strumpett, trollop, slut, you name it.  She called herself an old friend?   Are you sure she didn't mean old fiend?   Where are you going, Jake?   A job interview?   Don't feel you have to work because of me.  Free room and board for handsome houseguests.  Indefinitely.   But if it will make you feel better, go for it.   Good luck!   Anna, it's Elizabeth.   I'm calling to report a Helena sighting. 

JAKE:  Hey, whaddaya know?   There's a picture of that woman who stopped by on Thanksgiving.   See, I wasn't hallucinating her.   You..know this woman?   Whoa, this lady sounds even scarier than Dr. Ich War Eine Battleax at the hospital.   No wonder she seemed a little "off'" to me.  So what did this wicked woman do to you?   Yikes, sounds very dangerous.   Well, I'm off to a job interview.   Yeah, I thought I'd make myself useful.  I can't sponge off you forever, you know.  If I run into any elegant, yet psychotic older women, I'll run the other way.   Oh, it's you again.